


Complications of the Mind

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Canon, Child Abuse, Ethan Gold Bashing, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Michael Novotny Bashing, Season/Series 04, Season/Series 05, Sequel, Suicide, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-24
Updated: 2005-02-16
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:48:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 125,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: After Brian's invitation to move in, the boys deal with many problems in their own ways.Warning: Some of Brian's actions may seem out of character.  Reviews are welcomed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

After Brian’s backhanded invitation to move in, such as it was, Justin sat at the counter until he heard the shower click on. He hadn’t really thought it was a proposal but he thought Hemingway had once written, “Wasn’t it pretty to think so? He tried not to think of all the ways that simple phrase could apply to his life with Brian. He feared how Brian would react to his news but he doubted it’d be good. Then, he considered, of course it won’t be good.

 

He had to admit he’d been waiting years for Brian’s invitation and had thought it might have come after Brian’s bout with cancer but still he’d hoped that it wouldn’t cause a life crisis for the man to make the move. This time he felt sure the words were genuine and heartfelt. It seemed Brian was finally growing up and somehow that thought made him sad. It also reminded him of Miranda’s words. He had no idea how he was going to break the news to Brian about Brett’s offer and his immediate acceptance. Hell, he thought, I didn’t even think about it. I just went ahead and said yes. He had just impulsively said yes without giving a consideration to Brian. Since he nearly always thought of Brian first, his action was even more surprising and out of character.

 

“Hey,?Brian said, from behind him. “I expected you to join me.? He wore only a white towel, the towel riding low on his hips, the shadow of his pubes just faintly visible. 

 

Justin took a deep breath; he always loved seeing Brian wet but now it was distracting. He looked like a Greek god coming out of the sea, an always erotic image. His very own Greek God come to life. “We need to talk.?

 

The change in Brian’s attitude was immediate. Justin could see him stiffen his carriage, standing taller. He could practically see the walls going up. “Let me get dressed,?he said in a terse voice. Something told Brian he wouldn’t want to do this naked. He felt a tiny frisson of fear as he disappeared out of view, emerging in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. His collar bone still ached from where he’d broken it and the hot water had felt good. It would have been even better if Justin had joined him. 

 

“What??he asked, aware his voice was sharp.

 

“You know I want to move in with you. It’s what I’ve always wanted.?

 

Reduced to repeating ourselves, Brian thought, knowing that when Justin was less than fully coherent it was never good. He resigned himself to the fact that he wasn’t going to like what his partner was going to say. “But?? He knew there was a “but? The blond’s statement practically begged for its inclusion. “Spit it out, Justin.?

 

No Sunshine, no Sonny boy, just my name, Justin thought. He’s just erected a wall. Fuck. That he had that effect on Brian made him hurt and nearly brought tears to his eyes. “Brett offered me a job as assistant art director on the movie.?

 

Brian carefully kept his face devoid of any expression. Well, he thought, I suppose that’s my answer. Well, we had a good run. Time to buck up, kiddo. You knew this wouldn’t last. Brian could practically hear his father’s voice in his head saying that he wasn’t worth jackshit. Don’t let ‘em ever see how much they hurt you, he reminded himself. “And.?

 

“I took it,?Justin said, looking down at the floor.

 

He can’t even meet my eyes, Brian noted. “I see.? You’re leaving me again! The thought that it wasn’t another guy was of little comfort to him at the moment. He’d known that wasn’t it even though there was a tiny hint of something when Justin had told him about fucking Connor James. Miranda’s reminder about telling Justin how he felt sooner than later suddenly flashed in his mind. Nope, not going to do it. Not going to say, I love you. Don’t go. Not going to be weak over him. Knew this was always going to happen, that one day he’d move beyond me. Instead of voicing his fears and undeniable regrets, Brian asked, pleased that his voice didn’t break, “When do you leave??

 

“A month,?Justin said. “Maybe a little less. I’m not renewing my lease at Daph’s.? As he looked at Brian, he saw him retreating further away, into the shell that had once guarded his heart. He wished fervently that the man would just talk to him. But that wasn’t Brian’s way and even when they were talking because they couldn’t have sex it was a last resort.

 

Not much time, Brian thought. He couldn’t believe how much this was hurting him. He was giving Justin everything he could and once again he was being left behind. He couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth. “You should go. It’s a great opportunity for you. Just think of all those stars you’ll fuck.? Like Connor James. The name gaining some mythic importance every time he rolled it around in his head. And the timing just couldn’t be worse.

 

Justin stared at him. Fuck. This is killing him and he won’t tell me because of his pride. “Are you withdrawing your offer?? His voice was soft and small. Please don’t ask me what’s with the tiny voice. I can’t bear it. As much as this is hurting you, it’s not any less painful for me.

 

Brian had to take a moment to think and a deep breath. He was so tempted to say “yes?out of spite, but simply shook his head. Open another vein, he thought. “No. I would still like us to try the living together thing even if you’re Hollywood-bound. You’ll have a home to come back if—when you come back.?

 

“Brian, I don’t have to go,?Justin said, knowing that his lover would carve out his own heart before telling him to stay and sacrifice this opportunity for him. And he hadn’t missed the slight correction from if to when.

 

“You should,?he insisted. “We’ll be okay,?he said, wondering if he was giving voice to a lie. This would be their first prolonged separation since the fiddler. His mini-breakdown was excluded because everyone knew he was just losing his mind during that period. “Have you told your mom yet??

Justin shook his own head. “No, I haven’t decided what to say.?

 

“Just say it’s a fabulous opportunity,?Brian forced his voice to be cheerful, knowing he’d never been less genuine. “She should be happy for you. Her baby boy is going to be a success.?

 

Justin couldn’t bring himself to smile. He was too sad. 

 

Was this how you felt when I told you I was going to New York? Brian wondered. Then he’d been in denial about what Justin meant to him. Now he wasn’t. He thought of the song, “The Show Must Go On,?and the line about going on even when your heart was breaking. He understood it now.

 

“Let’s go to Woody’s. Play a game of pool.?

 

“Don’t want to.? Don’t want to chance seeing any of the guys. Don’t think I can maintain this brave front for too much longer. It is hard being the strong one, the one with the fa?de of not caring especially when I care as much as the next guy and can bleed. Especially when it comes to a certain blond twink. 

 

“Want to fuck??Justin asked, knowing too well what Brian's answer would be.

 

“Too tired,?Brian said, his words having a grain of truth in them. This so wasn’t what he’d been anticipating as the outcome of his proposal, er suggestion.

 

“I should go tell my mom,?Justin said, sensing Brian’s withdrawal and need to be alone.

 

“Tell Jennifer and Molly I said hi. Take the car.?

 

Justin hesitated and then walked over to Brian, kissing him on the cheek. He started to say “I love you?and then thought better of it. No idea how Brian would react to the words.

 

“Keys are on the night table.?

 

Justin nodded, aware of just how hurt Brian was and slightly irritated that Brian wouldn’t just admit how he felt. He didn’t know how he could possibly fix this. So he walked up the stairs and retrieved the keys, returning to find Brian in the same position as if he were permanently affixed to the hardwood floor. “I’ll be back.?

 

“Bring it back in one piece.? 

 

“Later.?

 

“Later.?

 

Brian heard the loft door open and then slide closed. Sex was the last thing he wanted at the moment. He looked over at the liquor cart and noted that he was running low on alcohol. That meant one of them was drinking more and since the radiation he’d been drinking and drugging less. He was not unaware of the fact that Justin had not said I love you before he left. He was trying hard not to put too much emphasis on the oversight or the fact that it bothered him more than he cared to admit. He’s already moving away from me, he thought, reminded of his thought that Justin was moving into shadows whenever he looked at him. Seems my subconscious picked up on it before it actually came to pass.

 

For the first time, Brian truly felt his age. He’d lived hard, drunk and drugged hard, fucked hard, and he’d let few people close to him. He moved over to one of the light boxes and sat down on a cushion, then rested his head on his hands. He was emotionally hurt but he was also fucking pissed as hell at Justin for doing this without, at least, talking to him about it before accepting. For the first time, Brian was beginning to understand what a partnership actually meant. And it wasn’t making executive decisions without consulting the other person involved in the relationship. Especially about something as important as a job across the whole fucking country. Even after Stockwell when he was shopping his resume around, Brian would have discussed a job offer from anywhere farther away than New York or Chicago. And he wouldn’t have just accepted it arbitrarily.

 

When the phone rang, he knew it was not Justin. He’d call him on his way home from Jenn’s. And Brian rather doubted it was Michael. His best friend was too wrapped up in his new little girl and his new marriage. Strange thinking of Mikey as someone’s husband. “Hello.?

 

He could hear noise in the background and then Lindsay’s voice came on the line. “Hey, Bri. I need a favor.?

 

Of course you do. “What? Need me to write a check for diapers??Okay so it was borderline insensitive. Not borderline, he thought, really insensitive. He tensed waiting for the killing blow the blonde knew how to deliver so well. She’d learned some things over the years from her wife.

 

Sensing something in his voice, Lindsay walked outside, not wanting curious passersby to speculate about her conversation. “What’s wrong??

 

“Nothing.? Big lie. “What do you need, Lindz??

 

“I’m staying here with Mel and Gus is going a little stir-crazy.?

 

“Why don’t you call Dusty? I’m sure she’d be glad to watch him.?

 

“He’s asking for you. He wants his daddy. He’s bored stiff, Bri. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need you.?

 

At least someone does. “Justin’s got the car. I don’t know when he’ll be back.?

 

She heard a note of something in his voice that concerned her. “Everything all right??

 

“Just peachy,?he said sarcastically. “Can you hold out for a couple of hours??

 

“I’ll bring him by. I really appreciate this.?

 

“He’s my son,?he reminded her.

 

“Our son,?she reminded him.

“Hey, Lindz, how are things going between you and Mel? You think you two are going to patch things up?? Never thought I’d want the two merry munchers to get back together. But then again I never thought Lindz would get a yen for a hard dick either. Shows how well I know her, he thought resigned.

 

“Don’t know. She’s pissed at me for the thing with Sam and I don’t blame her.?

 

“Not your fault you got a yen for dick.?

 

“Not helping, Brian. I’m moving out of the house with Gus.?

 

Things were that bad, he thought. Strange I never thought Lindz and I would end up the single ones. At least not her. She was like an earth mother and her brief, lamented affair with Sam Auerbach was nothing more than a midlife crisis. He wondered if one could call it that when you were barely in your thirties. He hesitated and then he heard her voice again. “I can drop him by. Do you think you might be able to watch him for a couple of days, maybe four at the most??

 

“Planning on leaving the country??he snarked before he could think better of it.

 

“Asshole. No, but I need time to pack up stuff and it’s hard to do that with a feisty three-year-old running around. Please, Brian.?

 

“When have I ever turned you down?? He couldn’t help thinking that maybe spending time with his son would prevent him from dwelling on his lover’s impending departure.

 

“Brian, thanks.?

 

“Yeah.?

 

He hung up the phone. There went his plans for getting shit-faced. He stood and walked over to his computer, bringing up his internet browser. He pulled up Los Angeles and then began doing some research on what exactly Justin would need. God knew LA would be a completely different world than what he was used to. Maybe they needed to take a trip together before he left. That thought made him feel a little bit better. Justin would like that. They’d never done that. Never had the time to do it. Now they had the time and the money. If only Justin would agree to it. Tempted to make the airline reservations Brian decided against it. Not going to play the tit for tat game. 

 

Jennifer’s condo?

 

Jennifer Taylor was stunned to see the Corvette drive up and see her son emerge alone. Brian lets him drive his car, she thought. Wow, how things have changed. She knew he never let him drive the Jeep unless it was because he was drunk and from what she understood that was more often than she might have liked. She was pleased to see him.

 

She went to the door to let him in. “Hi, honey.?

 

“Hi, Mom. Mollusk around??

 

“No, your sister’s at your dad’s. Sweetie, don’t you think she’s a little too old for you to be calling her by that nickname??

 

Justin smiled and shook his head. “It pisses her off and its fun to do that.?

 

“Well, that’s mature.? She just barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. “To what do I owe the honor of your visit??

 

Justin got the sense that his mother was hurt by the infrequent nature of his visits. Frankly, he didn’t think it had bothered her. Guess I was wrong, he thought. “Do I need an excuse to see my mom??

 

“No, honey, it’s just that you went to LA for the promotion and then Brian got home from the Liberty Ride with a broken collar bone and I just thought I’d only merit a one or two-line email. Maybe a phone call if I was very good. What’s up??

 

“He asked me to move in. And I accepted a job offer out in LA to work on the Rage movie.?

 

She was rendered speechless for a moment. “I think I need to sit,?she said. Justin in California? Without Brian? 

 

They moved into the living room area and took seats on the sofa. Jennifer went to the wet bar and poured herself a glass of wine and then turned back to her son. “You want anything??

 

“No, I can’t. I’m driving Brian’s car. He’ll kill me if something happens.?

 

She smiled at that. She could see that happening. “So tell me about California.? She wanted to tackle that first before addressing the whole moving in thing.

 

“Well, it was amazing. I’m learning a lot. Brett’s pretty amazing though I have some worries that my artistic integrity might be compromised. I know there’s some pressure to ratchet down the sexuality.?

 

“Uh huh. So did you meet anyone while you were out there??

 

Justin paused and studied his mother for a moment. Jennifer Taylor had changed a lot in the four years since her divorce. She was no longer Craig Taylor’s wife but a person with her own values and business and identity. “I had a thing with Connor James.?

 

Thing being a euphemism for “I fucked him,?Jennifer realized. It still took her aback to realize that monogamy was still not a part of her son’s relationship with Brian. But it seemed both were okay with it and as long as Justin was happy, she wasn’t going to push it. “I see.?

 

“I accepted the job offer to be Assistant Creative Director.?

 

“How does Brian feel about it?? She imagined that her erstwhile son-in-law was not too happy about the idea of Justin moving so far away. Brian didn’t seem the type to handle a long-distance relationship well.

 

“I think he’s upset about it but he won’t tell me anything. He just put up this wall. He says I shouldn’t pass up this opportunity because of him.?

 

“So he asked you to move in? That’s a big step.? It was a big step for anyone but for Brian and Justin it was huge. Megalithic in proportion.

 

“Yeah, I agreed.?

 

“Honey, that’s wonderful,?Jennifer enthused.

 

Justin narrowed his eyes as he looked at his mother. “You’re happy??he asked, incredulous.

 

Jennifer smiled. It had taken her a long time to accept her son and Brian together. She still remembered the afternoon in her kitchen when her bright, beautiful son had told her that he loved the man more than he loved anyone else in the world. And the day he’d stood up to Craig and told him that he knew all about discipline. She wouldn’t let herself wonder just what that meant. But she returned her focus to the present and said, “I don’t hate Brian, honey. In fact, I’ve grown to love him. He’s kind of like a rose, beautiful but thorny. And, he’s the closest thing to a son-in-law I’ve got for a while. And it’s not likely I’m going to be a grandmother any time soon.?

 

Justin just barely suppressed a shudder. “Um, Mom, you know you kind of are a grandmother.?

 

“You have a child I don’t know about??she asked.

 

Justin smiled at his mother’s expression. She looked rather perplexed by the idea. “I meant Gus. Gus considers you his grandmother, Mom. He asks about Gamma Jen.?

 

The tears sprang unbidden to her eyes as she let that sink in. “Oh, honey,?she said, reaching for a Kleenex. Then she realized something. “Does that mean Brian considers me his mother-in-law??

 

“I think he’d prefer the term second mom but yeah he’s not completely averse to the concept. Even though he and I won’t be walking down the aisle.? Ever. The thought that Brian was okay with Jennifer filling that role still gave him pause.

 

“Honey, what’s right for other people, like Ben and Michael, doesn’t mean it’s right for you and Brian. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Monogamy isn’t for everyone.? 

 

There was a note of discord in her voice that Justin picked up on. “Mom, do you regret marrying Dad??

 

“No, honey. I couldn’t regret that because he gave me you and Molly. But I do regret staying as long as I did.?

 

This was news to him. He’d thought his parents?had a picture perfect marriage. Justin stood and walked to the glass door and looked outside at the lawn, and then he turned back to his mom. “Want to tell me about it??

 

Jennifer quickly hid her surprise. She’d expected Brian to tell her son about their conversation after the Craig debacle but it seemed he’d kept her confidence. “I don’t want to give you a negative impression of your father.?

 

Justin laughed; a short bark that reminded her of his lover. “He does a brilliant job at that himself, Mom. Somehow I don’t think anything you tell me is going to make me think any less of Craig.?

 

He no longer calls him dad and Jennifer felt a twinge of pain and sadness. Those feelings were quickly replaced by anger at Craig for being such a homophobic prick who’d thrown away his relationship with his son because of bigotry. “You might want to sit down.?

 

“I’m not going to like this, am I??

 

Jennifer shook her head. “No, honey, I don’t think you will. But I think it needs to be told. And your father would never have told you this.?

 

Justin sat down on the sofa again and folded his legs underneath him. Jennifer was reminded of how often her son had done this as a child. But being a man fit him. He had lost the last vestiges of childhood that had begun to slip away the night he met Brian. “You know your father and I met in college, right??

 

“Yeah, he was a senior and you were a freshman. Typical story. BMOC finds beautiful freshman and takes her back to his frat house to fuck her senseless.?

 

Jennifer smiled a little at his summation. Her relationship with Craig hadn’t begun quite that way but it was close. “He was finishing up his bachelor’s degree in marketing. I was undecided but I loved art and interior design. I didn’t really have the talent to be a really good artist but I loved interior design. So I chose that as my field of study. One afternoon, I was walking across the quad when I ran into this older boy. I looked up and I felt my heart skip. You know that feeling??

 

“Yeah,?Justin said softly. “It’s the way I felt the first time I saw Brian. Like this man was going to change my life forever.?

 

For the first time, Jennifer realized she and Justin were connecting on a different level than just mother-and-son. They were actually sharing experiences. “He asked me out and I said yes. We dated for two years and finally he took me out to a really nice restaurant and sat me down. He said that he wanted to marry me but he knew that I still had a couple more years of school to go.? She paused and Justin nodded slightly so she continued. “I told him that I wanted to be with him. Honey, I was desperately in love with him and I was young and na?e. The first blush of love hadn’t yet worn off.?

 

Justin nodded. He knew how that felt. But that first blush of love had worn off pretty fucking quickly thanks to Brian’s constant refusal to admit his importance. 

 

“Six months later, we got married. I was three months pregnant with you, honey. The gown had to fit a little looser than usual because I was beginning to show. Grandma didn’t really care so long as I was getting married and my child wouldn’t be illegitimate. Besides, she was happy that we were having an open bar.?

 

Justin smiled at that. He loved his grandmother deeply. She, too, was an artist. And an alcoholic which was why he’d known to make Brian his hangover cure. “Go on, Mom.?

 

“When I was eight months pregnant, I decided to take Craig dinner at his office. I hadn’t called ahead because I wanted to surprise him.? Boy did I surprise him, she thought. “The security guard let me go up. His office light was off but I could hear voices from the conference room. I pushed the door open and saw my husband fucking the young intern. She couldn’t have been more than nineteen. I ran out and I was really lucky my water didn’t break from the shock. I could have gone into premature labor but I just wanted to get out of there.?

 

Justin kept his face carefully composed. His father was such a fucking hypocrite. “Why did you stay??

 

It was the same question Brian had asked her, Jennifer recalled. Great minds really do think alike. “I had a bachelor’s degree in interior design which was barely worth the ink. I was pregnant and really had no marketable job skills. So I bought into it when he told me it would never happen again because I still foolishly loved him.?

 

“Mom, Grandma would have helped. She always hated Dad.?

 

Jennifer smiled. “Yeah, Mom didn’t much like Craig. From day one she thought he was too slick, too polished. She didn’t believe a word out of his mouth. Thought it was all spin and no substance.

"Is that what you thought about Brian?" Justin realized for the first time the similarities.

"No, honey, my concerns about Brian lay in the fact that he was twelve years older than you. That he was more experienced and troubled. Yes, I acknowledge that I found a certain beauty about him but I never thought he didn't have substance."

"Did Da-Craig continue cheating on you?"

Jennifer nodded. "The last time was a few months before you came out to us. I was taking his shirts to the laundry and I found a white shirt with a lipstick imprint on the collar. I knew then that he wasn't able to keep his dick in his pants."

"So your splitting up really wasn't about me and Brian? Or me being gay?"

"Oh, Justin, sweetheart. No, it wasn't about you. I was tired of being the cuckolded wife and having a homophobic asshole for a husband. And there were financial issues, too. But I would never have used you as a reason to file for divorce." She wasn't so sure about his father.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Jennifer sighed and finished the rest of her wine. "He's hurt you enough, honey. I didn't want you to lose any more respect for him than you already had. Craig's done you enough harm as it is."

"Brian really told him off, though." Justin couldn't keep the pride from entering his voice. And he knew his mother would be able to pick up on it as well.

"Yeah, he did," Jennifer said, smiling. "I don't believe the self-effacing shit he pulls anymore, Justin." 

"What did you say to him about that?"

Jennifer grinned at her son, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "I told him I was onto him."

Justin returned the grin. That's my mom, he thought, reminding once again just how lucky he was to have Jennifer as a mother.


	2. Complications of the Mind

Back at the loft

 

Brian heard the knocking on his door and slid it open to find a frazzled Lindsay and an excited Gus at the door. “Daddy!?

 

“Hey, buddy. You see your new little sister??

 

“Yeah, she smells funny.?

 

Brian and Lindsay exchanged glances. He closed the door behind him as Gus made a beeline for the cushions. “Gus, be careful,?Lindsay warned. “Daddy has breakable things.?

 

“You want something to drink??Brian asked, sensing that she wanted to talk.

 

Lindsay nodded and said, “White wine, if you’ve got it.?

 

“I’ve got Pinot Grigiot, will that work??

 

“Yeah, since I won’t have Gus in the car with me, I can have a glass.?

 

“Sure you don’t want the whole bottle??Brian asked with a teasing note in his voice.

 

Lindsay sighed as she took a seat at the counter watching as Brian poured the wine into a glass. She took the proffered glass from Brian and studied the man standing in front of her. She noted a subtle difference but couldn’t exactly identify what it was. “How’s your collarbone??

 

“Fine,?Brian said. “I’ll have full mobility in a few weeks.?He hesitated a moment to see if Gus was okay. After reassuring himself that he was, he said, quietly, “I asked Justin to move in.?

 

Unable to hide her shock and pleasure, Lindsay said, “Brian, that’s wonderful. That’s a big step.?

 

“Yeah. He’s accepted a job offer in LA, Lindz.?

 

That wasn’t so good, she thought. “I take it from your lack of thrill that he didn’t talk to you about it first.?

 

“Uh uh,?Brian admitted, taking a swallow from his own glass of wine. “It kind of came out of the blue.?

 

“You okay with it??

 

Brian found himself speaking directly from the heart. “No, not really. I pushed myself to finish the Liberty Ride, Lindz. It wasn’t because of Mikey’s incessant encouragement or haranguing. It was because for the first time I had someone I wanted to come back home to. It was his face that helped me ride across that finish line. I’d proved something to myself. So I’m happy for him because I know it’s a great opportunity but I can’t help wondering what’s going to happen to us. If there’s even an us left.?

 

Lindsay didn’t know quite what to say. It was rare for Brian to reveal the truth about how he was feeling like that. A full disclosure. “Brian, there’s always planes. And e-mail. And the phone.?

 

“It won’t be the same. I got used to having him here again, Lindz. I can’t imagine how it’ll feel to walk into an empty loft again day after day. The life in this loft is due to him. I used to think of this place as just a place to fuck and sleep. He made it a home.? Brian paused, realizing just how upset he truly was. “I’ve been talking to Miranda.?

 

Gulp. Lindsay still thought about Miranda on  
occasion. “Really??

 

Brian nodded. “Yeah, I started talking to her after Justin and I got back together. Then I talked to her about the cancer. And Justin and I’ve been going to joint sessions.?

 

Couples?counseling? Brian? But she knew better than to say that aloud. Instead, she simply said, “Is it helping??

 

“Yeah. She’s helping me with a lot of stuff. Lindz, I love him.?

 

“I know you do, Bri. I’ve known that since you went to New York to bring him back here. You wouldn’t have done that for an ordinary trick. It’s just taken you time to see just how important Justin is to you. Have you told him??

 

“No,?Brian admitted, squirming under the accusing glance she sent his direction. “Lindz, I can’t say it.?

 

“You can say it to Michael. You can say it to me. You say it to your son. Hell, I bet you even say it to Miranda. But you can’t say it to your partner??

 

“I know it’s fucked up, Lindz. But if I say it now he’ll think I’m just saying it to keep him from going.? And he’d never use the sentiment as a tool of manipulation.

 

Lindsay considered that for a moment, and then reluctantly nodded her head. She had to agree with him. If Brian admitted his true feelings now, Justin would probably stay and sacrifice this opportunity. “Did you trick when you were on the ride??

 

“No.?

 

“Brian??

 

“No, I didn’t. I had a few interested parties but I didn’t.?

 

“Um,?was all she could say.

 

Brian glared at her. “I can keep my pants zipped up, you know. I don’t fuck every hot guy I see.?

 

“That‘s new,?she retorted. “When did that change??

 

“When I lost a ball,?he shot back. “And we aren’t going to argue about my sex life or discuss it.?

 

“We discuss mine.?

 

“Under severe duress,?he reminded her. “So how is Melanie??

 

Time to change the subject, he thought. Lindsay took another sip from her glass of wine and glanced over at their son who was quietly playing with building blocks. He was looking more like Brian every day even though he had her eyes. “She’s fine. Tired. But she’s spending a lot of time with Jenny Rebecca.?

 

“Michael becoming a permanent fixture at the hospital??

 

Lindsay slowly shook her head and met Brian’s curious eyes. “No,?she said. “He left a few hours ago.?

 

“So when does he sign the document giving up his parental rights??Brian asked.

 

Lindsay nearly spat out her wine at the sudden and unexpected question. “Um, he’s not going to.?

 

“What??Brian asked, going from curious to pissed in 2 seconds flat. “He’s not signing the fucking papers that I did?? What the fuck is up with that?

 

“We decided it wasn’t necessary.?

 

“Let me guess,?he said, dryly. “Because Michael is not me, he doesn’t have to abide by the same rules as I do.? It was a struggle for him to keep his voice down so as not to disturb his son. “That’s fucked, Lindsay. That’s absolute bullshit. Do you know how hard it was for me to sign those papers?? How many nights Justin found me sitting on the couch, with a bottle of Beam in front of me, agonizing over the role I’d play in my own son’s life? The fears and worries I had?

 

“Brian,?Lindsay began. The look on his face stopped her cold. “I think its bullshit too,?she said quietly.

 

His face looked like a storm cloud, it was so dark. “But you didn’t seem to think that it wouldn’t be fair to me. I’ve sacrificed time with him, Lindsay. I’m not going to do that anymore.?

 

“And that means what??

 

“It means I want acknowledgement as his father. I think I deserve that. I’ve shelled out enough money over the past four years. And if you and Melanie do split and she wants joint custody, I’ll fight her on it.?

 

“Brian,?Lindsay tried again. She’d never seen him this pissed and then she heard herself admit something she never thought she’d admit in a million years. “It was my idea. I didn’t think Michael should sign them because he wouldn’t ever cause us the problems you have. I agreed with her.?

 

Well, fuck me. Seems it’s the day to wound me to the core, he thought. “I see.?

 

“Brian, I’m sorry.?

 

“Do you really feel that way? Or were you just trying to appease your cunt of a wife??

 

“Don’t call her that, Brian,?Lindsay automatically moved into defensive mode. “She’s still his mother, too.?

 

Not really. But he’d taken up for Melanie on occasion. Like getting them back together when Lindsay was getting ready to marry the frog. Like the time in the hospital when the administration refused to let her in because she wasn’t the birth mother. Like saving their fucking wedding. Hell, the times were too numerous to count. “Do you remember what I said when I handed you those papers??

 

Lindsay had briefly skimmed them and she knew Melanie had looked at them in more detail but neither of them had really taken the time to study the minutiae of the document. “Not really,?she admitted.

 

Brian’s lips curved in a slight smile that worried her more than it reassured her. “I told you two that the only way rescinding my parental rights would work was if you two got back together.?

 

“I remember that,?she said.

 

“There was a clause in there, Lindsay. The clause stated that if you two were ever to split up, that I would retain my parental right as Gus’s father. My name, after all, is still on Sonny Boy’s birth certificate.?

 

Lindsay’s blood ran cold. “Would you really do that to me??

 

“Lindz,?Brian said, beginning to feel a calm, sort of coldness settle in as he spoke. “I’m not doing it to you. I’m doing it because I don’t believe that Melanie should have more rights than I do when I gave you two the jizz to make him.?

 

“You’re so pissed at me,?she said, never having had the full force of his anger directed at her.

 

“No, I’m hurt, Lindz. You’ve betrayed me.?

 

The words were an eerie echo of what Melanie had said after she realized just what had happened between Lindsay and Sam. “Brian, what can I do to fix this??

 

“Not fight me on this. Stand behind me if this does come to pass. I’m not saying that I’ll do any of this without provocation but if you and Melanie don’t end up working this out…” his voice trailed off. His words were ominous enough without the inevitable conclusion.

 

“Are you blackmailing me??

 

“No,?Brian said and he honestly didn’t think about it like that. “Call it my insurance policy when it comes to our son.?

 

“You didn’t even want him. You bitched about jacking off into the cup and ragged on us about having to use a turkey baster. You kept popping E that night like it was candy, Bri.?

 

“Gus wasn’t real then, Lindz. The second I held him I realized that I was a father. I can forgive you for this but I won’t forget.? He paused a moment and then said, “You weren’t the only one who was vulnerable that night. And I did come even if I was high.?

 

No, she realized, he would never forget. And he’d use this like a hammer over her head every time he needed ammunition. She had no idea how she was going to make this up to him. Before she could speak again, the loft door slid open. She’d never been so relieved to see Justin in her life.

 

“Lindsay,?Justin said, coming over to hug her. “I guess congratulations are in order. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to you at the hospital.?

 

“Yeah, I came to drop Gus off.?

 

“Oh??Justin’s eyebrow arched towards his hairline as he spared a glance for his silent partner. The look on Brian’s face was inscrutable and dark. It left him wondering what had happened between the two of them.

 

“Yeah, I’m moving out of the house. I’m packing up all my stuff so I asked Brian if he’d mind watching Gus for three or four days.? She paused, avoiding looking directly at Brian herself. “I hear congratulations are in order for you.?

 

“Yeah,?Justin said, his pleasure tempered by Brian’s glowering countenance and obvious displeasure. “I leave in a month or so.?

 

Wonder if I can talk him out of it, both Brian and Lindsay wondered for completely different reasons. 

 

Fifteen minutes later, Brian closed the loft door behind Lindsay. An awkward silence stretched between the two lovers. “Can I talk to you??

 

“Yeah.?

 

“Kitchen,?he said, mindful of little ears. Gus was blessedly oblivious to the rife tension.

 

When Brian and Justin were in the kitchen, Justin sat down at the counter, Brian standing behind it. The counter might as well have been a whole continent between them. “I need to do this,?he said.

 

“I know.?

 

“I should have talked to you first.?

 

“Yeah, that would have been nice.?He wasn’t going to get pissed. No, he wasn’t going to get pissed. “How long would you be gone??

 

Justin hesitated. “Six months.?

 

“At the minimum. What’s the most??Need to know worst case scenario.

 

“Between nine and ten.?

 

Jesus, that’s nearly a year. Fuck. I don’t know if I can do this. “Brian,?Justin said. “I can still turn him down. I haven’t signed any paperwork. I don’t have a contract. If it’s going to wreck what we’ve built I’ll stay.?

 

Slowly Brian shook his head. He looked at his lover, misery clear in both of their eyes. “No,?Brian said. “You’d hate me if I told you to stay. We’ll figure something out. I can always fly out on the weekends. Now that Kinnetik’s more stable I have the money to do stuff like that. And I wanted to talk to you about us going on a trip.?

 

“A trip??

 

“How would you feel about going for four days to New York? Actually get to see some of the sights and not just hole up in a hotel room. We never did get to Vermont and I’d like to do this.?

 

“You really want to go??

 

Brian nodded. “Yeah, we’ve spent time alone together lately,   
but you and I have always been where the gang can just drop in on us at any time. I think we need this.?

 

“Are you sure??Justin asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure. I started to book the tickets and then I waited. We’d have to leave after we take Gus back to Lindsay’s.?

 

Justin stared at him. Where is Brian Kinney and what have you done with him? “Yeah. So you going to tell me what’s going on between you and Lindsay? She seemed a little tense when she walked out of here.?

 

“She doesn’t think she and Melanie are going to be able to work it out. She’s getting her own place. I have a feeling I’ll end up helping her with that. I’m not having my son live in some hovel.?Brian hesitated. Was it fair to lay this on Justin when he was leaving? Then he made a split-second decision. Justin was a big boy, he could handle it. “Michael doesn’t have to sign papers giving up his parental rights to the girls. I was expressing my displeasure at that fact.?

 

Justin couldn’t hide his shock. “What?!? That’s fucking bullshit.

 

Brian was relieved that his partner was nearly as livid as he was. “I let Lindsay know that I wanted more direct involvement in my son’s life. That I wasn’t content to just stay on the periphery anymore. If Melanie wants joint custody if they do split up, I am going to fight her on it.?

 

“You’re serious, aren’t you? When you were talking about all the changes you were going to make, I thought you were kidding.?

 

Brian shook his head. “No, I wasn’t. I want to go shopping for a new light fixture and I want to hang your sketch of me in the nook.?

 

Justin slid off the stool and walked around the counter so that he was behind Brian. He snaked his arm around the man’s waist, and said, “I’m coming back to you.?

 

Brian turned and met Justin’s eyes. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, sonny boy. You may fall in love with Sunny Cal. God knows its better than this icy armpit of hell we call home.?

 

“You could come with me. Work remotely. Kinnetik practically runs itself with Cynthia and Ted taking on so much responsibility.?

 

“Uh uh,?Brian said, resting his forehead against Justin’s. “We’ll figure something out, I promise.?

 

“I thought you didn’t do promises.?

 

“I thought I didn’t do a lot of things and then I met you,?he retorted. “It’s a changing day, Justin.? Say you love me, he silently implored. Just say that you still love me.

 

“I love you, Brian.?

 

Brian kissed him gently, just a slight brushing of their lips. When he pulled back, he saw the expression in Justin’s eyes. “Hang on a second, Sunshine.?

 

Brian disappeared into the bedroom and returned a moment later with the jewelry box. After their argument weeks before, Justin had put it back in its safe place. “Brian??

 

“I, um,?he began. Christ, when do I ever have to search for words? Just spit it out, Kinney. Like someone’s foul tasting cum. “I got it engraved. I want you to wear it.? There, it’s done.

 

The expression on Justin’s face was priceless. He couldn’t have been any more stunned if Brian had hit him. Um, not a good analogy. “Are you sure? You were so adamant about not wanting to put it on me.?

 

I’m turning into a lesbian, Brian thought, and then he sighed. A sigh that was so loud that Gus was startled into saying, “Daddy??

 

“I’m okay, Sonny Boy. Justin and I are just having a conversation. Go back to playing. We’ll be there in a minute.? He returned his focus to his partner. “Look at the inscription.?

 

Justin turned it over and then saw: To JT from Rage, 2004. The font was tiny and Justin didn’t want to think how much Brian had paid to have this done. That wasn’t the point. The point was he’d done this for him. Tears welled up in his eyes and threatened to spill over. Just when he least expected a romantic gesture, Brian surprised him. Fucker.

 

He stepped closer and looked at Brian. He was rendered speechless. Brian touched his face, coming away with a wet fingertip which he slowly sucked dry. “Allergies??

 

“No, just honest emotion. I don’t know what to say, Brian.?

 

“Come here,?Brian said, opening his arms wide like he had when Justin was first acclimating himself to walking down the street by himself again.

 

Justin went into his arms and Brian’s grip tightened about him. “It’s so you don’t forget me.? Or what we have.

 

“I’d show you just how much this means to me if we didn’t have a miniature version of you playing in our living room.?

 

“How long have you been waiting to say that??Brian asked, pulling away slightly so he could see Justin’s face.

 

Justin started to be obtuse and then knew now wasn’t the time to play games. “Since I came back,?he said softly. 

 

Brian pointed up to the bed and said in a tone equally as quiet, “You know, that’s always been ours.?

 

“What??

 

Brian smiled. Sometimes his Sunshine needed things spelled out for him. Sometimes the 1500 SAT score was a complete bust. “The bed. From the first night, that bed has been as much yours as it has been mine.?

 

He stared at him. “But you got so pissed at me for assuming that I could sleep in it with you.?

 

“Pretty soon I gave in,?Brian reminded him. “I think I gave up fighting it when we came back here after your dad went psycho on me on Liberty. When you crawled into bed beside me, I was happy.?

 

“You didn’t seem happy. You seemed bloody pissed because my mother had invaded your private sanctum.?

 

Brian smiled at the memory. “Your mom has balls, Justin. That’s beside the point,?he said. “You are the only person aside from Michael who I’ve let share my bed. I got used to sleeping alone and I always kicked the tricks out. Not you. You taught me the merits of cuddling and spooning.? It is strange how important those simple things are to me now.

 

“So what am I to you??Justin asked, not seeking a compliment or an admission just simply curious.

 

The simplicity of Brian’s answer shocked him. “That’s easy. You’re mine.? As Brian said the words, he took the pendant from Justin and said, “Turn around.?

 

Justin turned his back to him and felt the cool metal against his neck as Brian fumbled for a second with the clasp. When he felt Brian’s hands slip away, he turned back to face him. “What am I??he asked again, unsure he’d really heard Brian the first time.

 

Brian smiled softly. It was the smile he only ever gave Justin and it came directly from his heart. “You’re mine.?

 

“I always have been,?Justin whispered. “I love you, Brian.?

 

Brian might have said more but then he heard his son say, “Daddy, come play. Justin, come play.?

 

Justin and Brian looked at each other in shock. “When did he learn to say my name??

 

“I don’t know,?Brian said, equally as shocked but very, very pleased. He wondered if someday Gus would add a Daddy in front of Justin’s name. It no longer bothered him that he was looking to a future that had Justin in it. In fact that gave him great pleasure.

 

Brian and Justin joined Gus in the bedroom and Gus smiled at his two favorite people; his daddy and his Justin. “So Sonny Boy, you hungry??

 

“Yeah, diner,?Gus said, and then lifted his arms up in an invitation or order for Brian to pick him up.

 

Brian and Justin glanced at each other and then Brian said, “Sorry, kiddo, but my car won’t allow that. Would you like Justin to fix you something to eat??

 

Gus’s eyes pooled with unshed tears and Brian felt guilt swamp him. He fucking hated disappointing his kid. Justin glanced at the miniature version of his lover and said, “Gus, how about pizza??

 

Gus’s expression brightened while a scowl crossed Brian’s face. Fuckin?kids with their fast food. He doesn’t have to worry about carbs, Brian thought. Just another lovely benefit of youth.

 

Sensing Brian’s displeasure, Justin wrapped an arm around Brian’s waist, and leaned closer to him to whisper, “We can order you Thai, Daddy.?

 

Brian had to suppress his initial urge to shudder and then glanced at Justin. It’s Justin, he reminded himself. It doesn’t mean what you think it means but trying to tell that to his psyche was a different story. Justin spared a glance at him and Brian knew he was going to apologize and slowly he shook his head. He’d talk to him about it later. Felt like he was having an Emmett moment, pulling a Scarlett O’Hara, but he couldn’t talk to Justin about this without getting high. There were some times even Beam didn’t cover the pain. 

 

Forcing himself to smile or at least not grimace, Brian sighed and said, “Just remind me that I need to put in time at the gym.? It wasn’t that he needed the reminder; it was just that he knew that he’d be counting down the days until he put Justin on that plane to fly away from him. He knew that one day the cub would leave the den, to scout bigger and better things, to have adventures without him, but he hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. And, he realized, I have to do this for him. It’s not about me. 

 

“You look fine,?Justin said. “Better than fine. Amazing.?

 

“For a cancer survivor??Brian asked. “Or for Brian Kinney??

 

Understanding perfectly what his lover was asking and hating that Brian felt like that, Justin said, “Both,?knowing that his words would not ease the pain but it was all he could do.

 

Sensing something in the undercurrent of adult emotions, Gus moved closer to his father. “Daddy, are you okay?? Then he turned to Justin and said, “Justin, make Daddy okay.?

 

Sometimes a kiss couldn’t fix a boo-boo but in Gus’s world things were much more simplistic. A four-year-old didn’t have to worry about mortgage payments or movie sets or lovers going far away. Still Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, their tongues sliding against one another in a dance that was so familiar that when they broke apart, Brian’s eyes were darkened with pain and lust. Justin’s eyes mirrored his own. Justin read something in Brian’s eyes but before he could question it, a small squirming boy was in between them.

 

“Hey, kiddo,?Brian said, voice soft as he spoke to his son. Then he looked at his blond and said, “Why don’t you order the pizza? You know what mini-me wants and what I want.?

 

Justin did but he also knew that what Brian really wanted couldn’t be contained in a delivery box from Luigi’s Pizza. Still he nodded and walked downstairs, feeling much older than his twenty-one years. This shouldn’t be so fucking hard, he thought, and honestly he hadn’t thought that Brian would react this way. He fingered the pendant as he picked up the phone and wondered why Brian couldn’t have done this a year ago. Then, he realized, that Brian hadn’t been in that place a year ago. Neither one of them had been.

 

Brian studied his son and then hugged him tightly. Gus squirmed a bit and Brian let him free. Gus sat back on his haunches and looked up at his daddy. “Daddy, I love you,?he said because he thought his father needed to hear it.

 

The simple words brought fresh tears to his eyes and Brian knew it wouldn’t take much for him to lose it entirely. Just a simple phrase and it would make all the difference in the world if he could just say it. “I love you too, Gus,?Brian said and saw Justin pause on the stairs. He saw the pain in his partner’s eyes and felt a fresh wave of pain. Though he valued spending time with his son, he also wanted to be alone with Justin. At the moment, he’d have given anything for the ability to open up and admit his true, honest emotions. “Pizza ordered??he said, clearing his throat.

 

Justin nodded and said, “I’m gonna go.?

 

What the fuck?! When things get difficult you run, don’t you little boy? When I don’t say the things you want me to say, you run away from me. You have since that second night and then you ran after me when I was the one running away from you. But Brian said only, “Where??

 

“Daphne’s.?

 

Brian looked down at his son and said, “Sonny boy, stay here. Daddy and Justin need to talk a moment. We’ll be in the bathroom. If you need us knock. Do you understand??

 

Gus nodded. He’d heard his Mommy and Mama fight and could sense that something was wrong between his daddy and his Justin. Did I do something wrong? He wondered.

 

Justin went first into the bathroom and Brian closed the door behind them, leaning his forehead against it for a moment before turning to face his lover. “I’m only going to say this once. You run away from me now and we’re done. No more second chances, no last minute reprieves, no encore performances. Done. I’m too fucking old for this shit. I have a son out there whose whole world is fucked up right now. He needs one stable person in his life right now. And I have to be there for him. I’m not going to have my son come to me in twenty years and ask me where the fuck I was. So tell me right now if you want out. If you can’t handle this, tell me.?

 

Justin stared at him and realized that he’d never heard Brian more serious in his life. “Brian, I lo—”

 

His words were cut off when Brian’s mouth clamped down on his again, hand roughly cupping his balls as he pulled him closer. Brian’s fingers unzipped the jeans and fumbled the top button loose. “Gus,?Justin reminded him and Brian exhaled, and then backed away. Christ, he’d been about to fuck him with his son in the next room. Then he remembered that his mommies went down on each other with him sleeping next door but that was different. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember how that was different but he knew it was.

 

“We’re not done here,?Brian said. And he looked down at himself and realized that he was sporting a semi-erect dick. Fuck, he thought.

 

Justin looked down at Brian’s semi-erect dick and couldn’t bring himself to smile. They couldn’t keep doing this to each other, he realized. This wasn’t fair to either of them. “If you want me gone, I’m gone,?he said. He didn’t know if he was calling Brian’s bluff or not. For once, he fervently hoped that Brian was bluffing.

 

Three little words, a voice whispered inside Brian’s head. You’re gonna lose him, Vic’s voice said. Then he heard his father’s voice saying, Should never have been a family man, sonny boy. Men like you and me were meant to be unfettered. Brian couldn’t help wondering if one of Jack’s many mistresses had gotten knocked up and if there was a bastard Kinney out there somewhere. But he turned his attention back to the present. Nothing good could come from looking to the past. Just tell him the truth, Brian. Have the balls to tell him how you feel. “Go,?Brian said, stunned when the words came out of his mouth. 

 

Justin looked equally as stunned and then he spat out the words at Brian, “Fuck you. Fuck you!? 

 

The tears fell and Brian knew his own were precariously close to the surface although they wouldn’t spill. He wouldn’t allow himself to cry, couldn’t allow himself the vulnerability. 

 

Justin flung open the door and walked out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and opened the loft door. He didn’t look back and didn’t see Brian standing at the top of the stairs. He flew blindly down the six flights of stairs, tears obscuring his vision, and it was lucky that he knew the distance by rote. He could walk it in his sleep. He reached the corner of Tremont and Fairmont, and dug in his pocket for change. He dialed the apartment and was relieved when Daphne answered, “Hey, Daph.?

 

Instantly aware that something was up with her best friend, Daphne sat up and said, “What’s wrong??

 

“It’s over,?Justin said, sobbing freely now, uncaring that he must have looked like a lunatic to anyone passing by.

 

“What is??Daphne asked. Surely he didn’t mean him and Brian, but she had a sinking feeling that was exactly what he meant.

 

“Me and Brian,?Justin said, acknowledging her greatest fear. “Can you come pick me up??

 

Already putting on her shoes, Daphne said, “Yeah, I’m on my way. Where are you??

 

“Corner of Tremont and Fuller in a phone booth. You’ll find me easily.?

 

“Justin,?Daphne began but then she heard a fresh wave of tears begin and knew Justin was barely holding on.

 

“Just come get me, Daph,?Justin said, hanging up the phone before she could reply. Then he collapsed to the floor of the phone booth, hugging his knees to his chest, as he cried. Cried for him and cried for Brian and cried for him and Brian together. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.


	3. Complications of the Mind

Meanwhile, back up in the loft

 

Brian scooped up his son and then the phone. He dialed the pizza delivery place and cancelled their order not wishing to incur an empty charge on his overly used card. “Want to go to the diner, Gus??

 

“Where’s Justin??Gus asked, his tiny mouth forming a pout. “What you do, Daddy??

 

Even my son thinks it’s my fault, Brian thought. This is not my fault. It’s better this way. Truly it is. But even he had to wonder who he was trying to convince. “He had to go, little man. Want to see Debbie??

 

Gus smiled slightly and nestled his head on Brian’s chest. After the loft door had slammed shut, Brian’s erection had run away and hid. Too bad he couldn’t do the same thing. “Yeah, Daddy. See Debbie.?

 

Brian grabbed his keys and Gus. He armed the alarm and then closed the loft door behind them as they waited on the elevator to make its way up to the top floor. “Daddy, where Justin go??

 

“To his friend Daphne’s. You remember Daphne, right??

 

“Like on Scooby Doo,?Gus said. Yes, it was much simpler to be four. Brian envied his son that.

 

When they arrived at the diner, they took a booth and the brassy redhead came over to take their order. “Hey, Gus,?she said. And then she took one look at Brian and knew something was very wrong.

 

“Where’s Justin??she asked.

 

“Don’t know.?

 

“Kinney,?she began in a warning tone of voice. And then Brian looked up and met her eyes, the pain so clear that she couldn’t bring herself to chastise him. When he wanted to talk he would. Of course, knowing Brian, that might be never. “What can I get for the two Kinney men??

 

“Cheeseburger and fries,?Gus said.

 

Arsenic, Brian thought. “Turkey sandwich—”

 

“Yeah, kiddo, I know. It’ll be right out. Brian, you look like shit.?

 

“Thanks, Deb. I really needed to hear that.? Brian said, avoiding her eyes. 

 

“Hey, Gus, I think Jaime is in the back. Do you want to go watch him cook??

 

Gus nodded, then looked at his father for permission, and Brian said, “Yeah, it’s okay. Just be careful of the grease, sonny boy.?

 

Gus hopped out of the booth and headed for the back. When Gus was safely out of earshot, Debbie stared hard at Brian and asked, “What did you do??

 

“Why is it always my fault? Justin’s not perfect, Deb. And I’m not always the prick.?

 

Though this was true, she had reason to think that Brian was most often the party at fault. “So what happened??

 

“None of your fuckin?business. Let it alone, Deb.?

 

“Hey,?she protested, totally not appreciating his attitude.

 

“No, Deb. Let it alone. It really is none of your fuckin?business. It’s over. He’s going to Hollywood to be a stah,?Brian said, exaggerating the last word.

 

“Don’t give me that shit. He’ll be back.?

 

“Nine months, Deb. Nine fucking months. I’m not going to wait around for him like some dickless fag.?

 

No, honey, you wouldn’t. But he would. “Brian, baby, he’ll come back. He loves you.?

 

“Sometimes love isn’t enough.?

 

“You told him??

 

Brian snarled a, “No!?

 

She gave him a knowing glance and then bussed him on the   
cheek. “Kiddo, he’ll come back to you.?

 

Somehow Brian doubted that. He’d made it pretty clear that the door wasn’t open. He didn’t run a revolving door loft. Life would be so much simpler if he’d just stuck to the one time only rule. “Don’t want him to.?

 

There was something in Brian’s voice, a note of such utter dejection and hopelessness, that it concerned Debbie. More than she wanted to bust his balls for being a prick or a fool, Debbie wanted to help him. Help him and Sunshine. “Brian, I’ll watch Gus tonight. Why don’t you go find Justin and talk to him??

 

Brian looked at her and, though he was tempted, slowly shook his head. “I’m not shunting him off on you, Deb. He’s my kid and I made a promise to Lindsay.?

 

Okay, that didn’t sound like Brian. It sounded like one of the pod people. Granted, he’d changed since his cancer was diagnosed but his core had still remained intact. “I’m offering. One night, Brian.?

 

“You sure? I thought you’d want to go see Jenny.?

 

“My granddaughter will still be there in the morning,?Debbie said, grinning as she said the word granddaughter. She fairly beamed at him. “Go, Brian.?

 

Brian looked at her and realized that she’d done more for him than any other woman in his life. She truly was his mother in all the ways that counted. Then, he felt the tears begin. Brian fucking Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue, was crying in the Liberty Diner. Of all the fucking places to lose it. Debbie stared at him in horror. She’d never seen him like this. She’d seen him cold and distant but she’d never seen him so desolate since the night of the?

 

She moved her bulk out of the other side of the booth and scooted in next to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and then pulled his head forward until he was crying against her ample bosom. The sobs were great, heaving things that shook his whole body. Oh, poor baby, she thought. This is killing you, isn’t it? “It’s okay, Brian,?she said, her words soft and soothing as she patted him on the back. “Cry it out, honey.?

 

The other patrons slowly filed out, stunned by the emotional turmoil of the living legend, and Kiki, watching from behind the counter, silently went to put the closed sign on the front door. She slipped into the back and quietly told Jaime to keep an eye on Gus. Sometimes it was better to stay uninvolved. 

 

Debbie felt his tears cease and then he pulled back from her, tear tracks staining his handsome face. It had been a long time since he’d needed her like that. It was only around her and Michael that Brian allowed himself to be free. In other ways, he was freer around Justin but not when it came to emotions, for the most part. 

 

“Christ,?he said. “I got your shirt all wet.?

 

“Fuck the shirt,?she said. “Are you okay?? So it was a stupid question and she didn’t really expect an answer. In fact, she expected a famous Kinney retort. But when none was forthcoming, Debbie became worried again. 

 

Brian shook his head and said, “I need some time alone.?

 

“What you need is to talk to Sunshine,?Debbie said.

 

“No,?Brian said. “It’s better this way.?

 

“Better for whom?? For such a smart man, Brian could be an idiot. “You’re fucking miserable,?she said.

 

Brian cracked a slight smile. “And that’s new because??

 

Sometimes Brian could be an insufferable asshole and sometimes all she wanted to do was cuddle him. Now she was torn between wanting to smack him upside the head and cuddle him. So she settled for the next best thing, “Let me call Michael.?

 

Brian vehemently shook his head. “No,?he said. “He and Ben are practically on their honeymoon and they’ve got the kid there. I don’t need him.?

 

“Was once a time when you would have called Michael away from anyone. Doesn’t matter who they were,?Debbie reminded him.

 

So I’m a shit, he thought. Is that news to anyone? “No, Deb. He’s Ben’s husband now. He’s got his own life. Don’t worry him with this.?

 

“Brian,?she began. “He’ll be pissed if he didn’t know.?

 

Brian nodded and said, “So we won’t tell him. Deb, I’ve got to handle this on my own. Besides he’ll just blame Justin and I don’t need to hear that shit right now.?

 

Since she knew her son would always have some feelings for Brian, she agreed with his assessment of the situation. There was once a time when Brian would have had her call him anyway. Looking at him now, she saw how the events of the past year and a half had changed him. She also recognized a man in emotional pain. She knew what Brian’s method of pain management was and she feared that this deal with Justin would land him in the backroom or the hospital. She never thought she’d be hoping for him to end up in a backroom, with his dick down someone’s throat, but she did. “Want me to call Miranda Jameson??

 

Brian stared at her and Debbie smiled hesitantly. How the hell did she know? “What makes you think I want to talk to Miranda??

 

“Because when you tree yourself, she’s sometimes the only one who can coax you down off the limb. And you won’t let me call Michael so my options are limited.?

 

Brian ran through the list of people who actively gave a shit about him and was surprised to realize just how small it really was. He didn’t really want anyone to see this moment of private pain but then he met her eyes again and said, “Call Daphne. See if she knows where he is.?

 

Huh? Why on earth would he want me to call Sunshine’s best friend? “Okay, kiddo,?she said. She stood and watched Brian reach for a napkin to dry his eyes and wipe the tears from his cheeks. Even when he was fucking miserable he was more gorgeous than he had a right to be. But sometimes it was to Brian’s disadvantage to be so hot. She wanted to kick Justin’s ass right now for putting him through this. “I’ll call her.? How the hell am I going to explain this? She wondered.

 

As Debbie was determining to call Daphne to help pull Brian out of his funk, Justin stood at the refrigerator door and pulled out a beer. Then he opened the cabinet and removed the bottle of Jim Beam.

 

“You really think that’s gonna help??

 

No, he didn’t but he had to do something. He turned around to face Daphne and said, “I’ve never seen him like that, Daph. It was like he just gave up. End of story.?

 

“And nothing happened to precipitate Brian’s reaction??

 

“No,?Justin said, and then he remembered what he’d said. “I told him I was gonna go. I ordered the pizza and I heard him tell Gus he loved him.?

 

Suddenly Daphne understood why Justin had turned tail and run. But she could also understand just how hurt Brian must be. “Oops, you’ve done it again,?she said. Then she gestured to the bottles and said, “Pulling a Brian is not going to fix this. All that’s going to do is make you miserable and bitchy in the morning when you have a hangover.?

 

“If I was pulling a Brian, I’d be fucking half of the backroom right now,?Justin said. “Maybe I should.? He set the bottles down on the counter with a bang and said, “I’m going to LA in a few weeks. Why shouldn’t I spread the wealth that Brian’s been enjoying all these years??

 

“Um, because you’re not a slut,?Daphne said. She didn’t really think either Justin or Brian was a slut but come on. “And that’s Brian talking not you.? She was not pleased with the way things were turning out. This really sucked and she was tempted to call Brian and tell him exactly what she thought. 

 

“And we know this because of what, Daph? Who knows where Brian ends and I take over? Fuck this. I’m going to Babylon.?

 

“Justin,?she said, and then saw that he was dead serious. Recognizing there was no dealing with him in this mood, she gave up. “Don’t call me at four in the morning to come pick your ass up when you’re tweaked and fucked out. I won’t do it. This is stupid and irresponsible.?

 

“Exactly like Brian. I guess I have learned from the master,?Justin shot back as he disappeared into his bedroom. He emerged nearly forty-five minutes later in tight black leather pants that Brian had bought him and a sheer gauzy black shirt over a black wife-beater. He looked like a blonde Brian. It was a disturbing image to Daphne but if she were honest she’d admit that he looked like a walking wet dream. Just the effect he’d been working towards.

 

“Well??he asked, turning around for her to inspect him.

 

“Hot. Slutty, Perfectly fuckable,?Daphne said. Brian, I could kick your fucking ass for this. She sighed and said, “Be quiet if you come in late.?

 

When Justin arrived at Babylon, he knew he was attracting stares. It wasn’t the first time he’d come without Brian but still he knew he was drawing attention just by being alone. He left his jacket at the coat check counter and walked further into the club. Meanwhile, Daphne sat on the couch, cursing both Brian and Justin equally. So when the phone rang, her mood was curt to say the least.

 

“Hello,?she said.

 

“Daphne,?Debbie began, peeking out at Brian, who sat slumped in a corner of the booth. He looked morose and as miserable as she’d ever seen him. “It’s Debbie. Debbie Novotny.?

 

Daphne stifled a sigh and said, “Hey, Deb. What’s up??

 

“Sunshine and Brian had a fight,?Debbie began. “Brian’s here and he’s absolutely miserable.?

 

Misery loves company, Daphne thought. Instead of responding snidely, she said, “Justin’s miserable too. He was headed out to Babylon. I think the guys need to talk.?

 

Since Debbie wholeheartedly agreed, she couldn’t help but smile. “Brian’s being stubborn. But yeah, I think the boys need to talk.?

 

Daphne sat up straighter and said, “What do you have in mind??

 

“Well, I’ve got little Kinney here with me. I told Brian I’d watch his son if he wanted to go talk to Justin. I don’t mind watching him for the night. I’ll try to talk the asshole into going to Babylon.?

 

“Good luck,?Daphne said, knowing just how stubborn Brian could be. She thought a minute and then said, “Those two have been through too much to just throw it away now. That would be stupid.?

 

“Yep,?Debbie concurred, sparing another glance at Brian. He was now shredding a napkin, carefully arranging the strips in rows. Anal retentive, yup, that was Brian. Christ on a fucking pogo stick, she thought. He’s absolutely miserable and too fucking stubborn to do anything about it. “I’ll try to get Brian over to Babylon. This is a disaster.?

 

Daphne smiled a bit. “Of their own making, Debbie. You know what they fought about??

 

“Sunshine got offered a job in Los Angeles and Brian’s freaking about it. So he’s pushing him away in his inimitable way and doing a bang-up job of it, as usual. You know, I miss the days when I could just hit Brian upside the head and tell him to fly right.?

 

“Now, he’d probably just tell you to fuck off.?

 

“Kiddo, you ain’t lying. You know Brian pretty well, don’t you??

 

“Yeah, I kind of do. I know that he loves Justin even though he’s too proud or too scared to admit it to anyone, least of all Justin.?

 

Debbie looked at the few people in the kitchen and saw Gus stirring a pot. He looked so much like his father that it took her breath away for a moment. God, Brian really was lucky, she thought. “I’ll get him over to Babylon. I don’t know how but I’ll talk him into it. How long ago did Sunshine leave??

 

Hearing the response, Debbie uttered a curse under her breath. “I better hurry,?she said, “or Brian will arrive to find him fucking someone else.?

 

She hung up the phone with a clatter and turned to find Brian standing before her. A hand went to her heart as she looked at him. When Brian spoke, it was in a voice that was entirely too calm for comfort. “Brian will find who fucking someone else??

 

“Um,?she began, taking a step backward. The expression on Brian’s face was not entirely pleasant. Deciding to answer honestly, she said, “Daphne said that Justin went to Babylon.?

 

Great, he thought. Just fucking great. I so don’t want to talk to him about this shit while he’s getting his dick sucked. His right hand went to the back of his neck and began to rub in a nervous fashion while he said, teeth gritted, “Your offer for watching my kid still on??

 

Debbie nodded. “Yeah, kiddo, I can watch Gus for you. Just call me later and let me know when you want me to drop him off. It’s a little early for Babylon to be hopping, isn’t it??

 

That was the only thing that gave Brian any comfort. Maybe the audience wouldn’t be as big as he feared. He nodded and said, with feeling, “Thanks.?

 

“Don’t mention it, Brian. I’m happy to do it.?

 

He sent her a skeptical look and then said, “You’re happy to do it because you’ll give me grief if I fuck things up between me and Justin.?

 

She shrugged and winked at him. Her boys knew her so well and Brian was no exception. “Go,?she said, quietly for her.

 

Brian looked at her and smiled slightly. Then he turned and walked back into the main portion of the diner. When Debbie heard the door clang shut behind him, she felt a strong sense of relief. God, I hope they’re able to fix things, she thought. They’ve come through so much together to fuck it up now.

 

Brian arrived at Babylon and found the familiar blond head in a sea of guys. He knew that Justin was the center of attention, not an unusual place for his lover to be. Still, he felt a twinge as he watched Justin lose himself in the music. Pulling himself together, he pushed through the mass of dancing men and came to a halt near Justin. Not wishing to draw attention but needing to get Justin’s attention, he pushed himself between Justin and his partner, ignoring the other man’s muttered asshole.

 

Justin avoided looking at Brian as he said, “What??

 

“We need to talk,?Brian said, keeping his voice low even under the rhythmic pulsation of the techno music.

 

“Done talking.?Justin said. “I’m dancing,?he said as he began to move away before he completely lost his vibe or his nerve.

 

Brian grasped his arm and Justin met his eyes, a simmering heat in the blue depths turning them almost cobalt in the light. “What??he hissed.

 

“Talk. You. Me. Now.?Brian said, feeling his temper flare even as he tried to keep his voice level.

 

“Don’t want to. Leave me alone.?

 

“We’re partners. Remember??

 

Justin turned to him and said, “I’m still wearing the fucking pendant, Brian. I have the balls to tell you that I love you. Why can’t you do the same??

 

“You know why. And this really isn’t the place for it, Justin.? He felt his temples begin to throb, a precursor to a headache. A bad one if memory served him.

 

Justin looked around; their conversation wasn’t really gathering any attention. Yet. He wondered briefly if he could change that. “Why not, Brian? Everyone knows we’re together even if we fuck around.?

 

Brian couldn’t really dispute that but he really didn’t want to have this particular conversation in public. “C’mon, Justin. Let’s go.?

 

“Not back to the loft,?Justin said.

 

“Fine. Neutral territory. The park??Brian suggested. There was a small park located a few minutes away from the loft. Both of them had wound up there on occasion.

 

Sighing, Justin nodded. He was resigned to talking to his partner even if he was an unmitigated asshole. It crossed his mind that Brian was actually being mature for once. Amazing. Still, he followed the other man out of the club and he took a deep breath of fresh air. Brian turned to him and said, “If you’re pissed at me, that’s fine. I went from 0 to 80 really quickly. But you need to understand why.?

 

“The park,?he gently reminded Brian. The older man nodded and Justin walked beside him. Once he would have followed behind Brian; not now. Just another small way their relationship had changed. It was only when they were halfway there that Justin remembered Gus. “Where’s Gus, Brian??

 

Brian bit his lip and then said, “With Debbie. I kind of had a meltdown in the diner.?

 

Eyes wide, Justin asked, “What kind of meltdown??

 

Not wanting to discuss the fallibility of his character, Brian nevertheless realized he’d opened this door. He paused underneath a street light and faced Justin. “I lost it. Okay? I fucking lost it. Cleared out the whole fucking diner.?

 

Shit, Justin thought. He didn’t know what to say. Anytime Brian gave into his emotions was a rare occasion. He could count the number of times it had happened on one hand. It was never a pretty sight. Brian hesitated and then began walking again, modifying his stride so he didn’t outpace Justin. He was relieved to see the park was relatively deserted. At this time of night, most people had gone home. He found a bench and they sat, side by side, but not touching. Both were acutely aware of the distance between them and unsure of how to bridge the gulf. But both knew they had to try, just the same.

 

Half expecting to be required to start the conversation himself, Justin was surprised when Brian began to speak. “I didn’t trick on the ride, Justin. I had opportunities but I didn’t do anything.? It was an odd way to start the conversation but Brian felt the need to let Justin know that he hadn’t fucked around, by choice, not because of lack of opportunity.

 

“Are you pissed at me about Connor James??

 

Brian slowly shook his head. “A little jealous, maybe. But I’m not pissed. I just have this image on repeat of you on the cover of the Los Angeles Tribune in some pretty boy’s arms.?

 

“You are an idiot.?

 

“Hey!?

 

“Brian, he was just a trick. A one-night thing. Kind of a novelty act.?

 

“You know his name,?Brian pointed out. “And I’m betting his address and phone number.?

 

“I thought the rules didn’t matter. Especially when it’s you I come home to.? It was ironic, he realized. Trotting out the old rules in the face of Brian’s jealousy but he didn’t know how else to reassure him. It wasn’t really fair considering both of them had pretty much held to only one of the many they’d laid down so long ago.

 

“You won’t be coming home to me for six or nine months. That’s a long time, Justin.? A really, really long time. A lot of one-night stands.

 

Startled, Justin had to confirm that he was hearing what he thought he was hearing. “Are you asking me about monogamy??

 

Brian took a deep breath. Jesus Christ, he thought. I never thought I’d be the one in this situation. Actually suggesting monogamy. Me, Brian fucking Kinney. But he was and so he slowly nodded. “Yeah, I guess I am.?

 

“That’s not fair when you’ll be fucking everything that moves within 10 hours of my departure.?

 

Don’t get pissed. Don’t get pissed. Nope, he realized, that’s not going to work. “How many times have I tricked in the past four months, Justin??

 

Justin shrugged his shoulders and Brian gave a grim little smile. He hadn’t even noticed. “How many times have we gone out to Babylon and then gone home together??

 

“Almost all,?he conceded. Then realization dawned. “You’ve been cutting down on tricks??

 

It was almost painful for Brian to nod but he forced himself to do it. “Yeah, I’ve been tricking less.?

 

“Why??

 

Twat. “Because I thought that’s what you wanted!?he burst out. “You’ve been harping about it just being us from the very beginning. You’re finally getting what you want from me and now it’s you who is doing the experimental thing. What the fuck do you want from me?? He was clearly exasperated.

 

“Shit.?

 

Then Justin stood and walked a short distance away. He stood looking at the copse of trees and pictured them weighted down with the white silkiness of snow. He was going to miss the winters in Pittsburgh though he wouldn’t miss trudging to the diner through sleet and snow. He sensed Brian come up behind him and then slowly turned to face him. “I don’t know what to do, Brian. This is a fabulous opportunity for me. I can’t just turn it down.?

 

“I’m not asking you to. I’m not proposing marriage either. I think part of what draws us together is that neither one of us really sees that as an option for us. Yeah, Michael and Ben may be able to make it work, but you and I don’t need that binding us. There’s more holding us together than a piece of paper or a pair of rings.? Brian pulled Justin close and Justin went into the embrace, tucking his head under Brian’s chin. “It’s been nearly four years. Maybe it’s time for us to grow up.?

 

“What about forever young, forever beautiful? Living your life with no regrets.?

 

“I still believe the forever young, forever beautiful part of that credo. But I have regrets, Justin. And I need to be stable right now for Gus.?

 

“If Lindsay and Melanie weren’t splitting up, would we even be having this conversation??

 

Brian started to give a snarky response, but then he was reminded of a younger Justin asking him if he’d be there if he hadn’t been bashed. No, he thought, I’m not going to give him a snide, smart ass response. “Yeah, we would. The Liberty Ride gave me time to think, in between Michael’s haranguing me.? For just a moment, he considered telling Justin that he was the reason Brian had made it across the finish line, proving to himself and everyone else that had been a naysayer that he could do it. But he pushed it aside. “I realized some things. You once said that we were better together than apart. I think you’re right.?

 

Thinking of the monogamy issue, Justin shifted and tilted his head back so he could see Brian’s eyes. “I thought you were happy fucking every hot guy in Pittsburgh.?

 

“I was. But then an irritating, blond little twink came into my world.? He cracked a smile and Justin mirrored the action, though his didn’t quite meet his eyes. “And he offered me an irresistible challenge and the opportunity to plow the finest ass in Pittsburgh. How could any self-respecting fag turn that down??

 

Justin smiled, so pleased at the compliment he nearly smirked. “But monogamy??

 

“When is the last time I brought a trick back to the loft??

 

Justin thought about it and was startled to realize that he couldn’t remember. How could I have missed this? He wondered. “I don’t know. It’s been a while.?

 

“I’m not saying that I want us to turn into some old married couple, Justin. I just think that maybe we should try this. I don’t want to reinstate the rules because they didn’t really work for us. Just maybe you and I should try this.?

 

“You realize that you’re making a solid effort at commitment, Brian??

 

Brian smiled hesitantly and said, “I thought you realized that when you found out that I didn’t mind so much that your mother considers me her son-in-law. Besides, we have the DPA on file with the state.?

 

“But that’s just legal formalities,?Justin began and then noted the look in Brian’s eyes.

 

Slowly Brian shook his head. “I didn’t do it just for legal reasons. I did it because I care about us and I don’t want things to get fucked up again. I don’t think either one of us can handle that.?

 

“Is Rage admitting to vulnerability??Justin teased.

 

“No,?Brian said. “Brian Aidan Kinney is admitting to being vulnerable when it comes to you.?

 

Stunned, Justin simply nodded. “Okay,?he said, quietly. “Shall we go get your son??

 

“Our son,?Brian gently corrected. “Gus is our son.?

 

Touched beyond reason, Justin felt his eyes well up. He leaned against Brian and felt the other man’s arms tighten about him. No, Brian might never say he loved him, but at times like this, Justin wondered how he could ever doubt that the man felt the sentiment in the marrow of his bones.


	4. Complications of the Mind

Before leaving the park, Justin turned to Brian with a serious look on his face. Recognizing the look on his partner’s face as one of deep contemplation, Brian sighed. “What??

 

Justin hesitated and then said, “Can you do me a favor while I’m gone??

 

“Depends on what it is,?he said, cautiously. He didn’t want to commit to an action without first knowing what it was Justin was asking of him. The thought of monogamy was surprising enough. For both of them.

 

“Watch out for my mom and Molly. And Daphne.?

 

Brian nodded. It still baffled him that somehow over the years he’d become someone’s son-in-law. It baffled him even more that it didn’t seem to bother him as much as it once had. “Yeah, no problem.?

 

“Really??

 

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to look a gift horse in the mouth?? Brian asked, and then Justin leaned in to kiss him. He moved away before Brian had a chance to deepen the kiss. Brian became more somber as he said, “It’s just really important for me to be stable right now for Gus. I’m thinking about selling the Corvette.?

 

“Why??His surprise was genuine.

 

Brian wrapped his arm around him and said, “It’s not really practical. If I’m spending more time with Gus, I need a car that has an actual backseat. All the childcare professionals say that a child should ride in the backseat. It’s safer.? When did I become so fucking old?

 

Justin raised an eyebrow. When did Brian begin reading childcare books? It wasn’t like him, he thought, wondering just how much Brian had changed.

 

Then Brian said, “I’m going to have Cynthia list it tomorrow.?Until the words left his mouth, Brian didn’t realize he’d already made his decision, that it was just a formality now.

 

They continued walking and Justin said, teasing the other man slightly, “I just can’t picture you in a Volvo or mini-van.?

 

“Bite your tongue, young man,?Brian said. “I was thinking more along the lines of a Jeep Cherokee and maybe a VW Bug for you.?

 

Justin stopped stock-still in the middle of the sidewalk and said, “You’re thinking about buying me a car??

 

“You need one, don’t you??

 

“I don’t want to be a kept man, Brian. I want to buy my own car.? Grr, he thought.

 

“Don’t be so sensitive. It was just a suggestion. It’s not locked in stone. Don’t be such a princess.? 

 

Justin smiled slightly. “Okay. Sorry. So have you decided what to do about Lindsay and Gus??

 

“I’m thinking that I should maybe talk to Melanie. She’s cheated on Lindsay before and they were able to work things out.?

 

“You worked things out for them,?Justin reminded him. “They might have broken up for good if you hadn’t signed the parental rights over to Melanie.?

 

Brian grimaced. He still wasn’t a 100% sure that he’d have done that if it weren’t for the fact that he didn’t want to see Lindsay with that fucking Frenchman. And he’d hated seeing Melanie beating herself up over the indiscretion. “I want Lindsay to be happy. If that’s with Melanie, then that’s okay. I just hate to see them throwing away a decade together over one night. But if it’s with someone else then that’s okay too.?

 

“Melanie cheated on Lindsay with a woman. Lindsay fucked a guy. Kind of a big difference there, Brian.?

 

Brian looked at him and said, “Surprised you’re so judgmental. I’d have thought you, of all people, would understand where Lindsay’s coming from.?

 

Justin winced at the reminder of his actions with Ethan, and then realized Brian didn’t sound angry, just resigned to the reality of the circumstances. “I’m not judging Lindsay, Brian. I’m the last person in the world to criticize someone for cheating. It’s just: would you have been more or less pissed if I’d fucked a woman instead of another guy??

 

Brian paused a moment and then said, “I don’t know.? He continued walking and then said, softly, “I can’t see you having fucked another woman so that’s not exactly a fair analogy. But considering how I reacted to Ethan, I’d have been less pissed if you’d fucked a woman. I could have chocked it up to youthful naivet??

 

“And Connor James??

 

“I’d have thought less of you if you hadn’t taken the opportunity to fuck a star,?Brian said, smiling slightly. “I’m okay with it. Just another of Justin Taylor’s experiences in Hollywood.?

 

Justin heard the hint of sadness that lay underneath Brian’s casual words and said, “I’ll look back, Brian.?

 

Hearing the words, Brian stopped and stared at the younger man. “What??

 

“I’ll look back, Brian.?

 

“Jesus,?Brian muttered. “You aren’t making this easy, Justin.? Why can’t I just tell him that I don’t want him to go? Why is it so difficult for me to say those three little words?

 

“I didn’t think you wanted me to make it easy.?

 

Brian began walking again and said quietly, “I know you have to go. But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.? Did I just admit that I’m not okay with this whole California thing?

 

Justin took a deep breath and said, “It’s not locked in stone, Brian. Brett can still get someone else. I can stay here and work in the diner.?

 

“Or you could work as an assistant in the art department at Kinnetik.? He realized as he spoke that he’d been thinking about the possibility for a while now. He knew Justin was talented and versatile; he’d proven that during his internship at Vanguard. Yes, he’d paid attention to the younger man’s work even when he’d been thinking about various and sundry ways of getting the blond into bed and back into his arms.

 

Justin had caught up to Brian and at the words he put a hand on Brian’s arm to stop him. “Look at me,?he said, quietly.

 

Brian faced him and said, “What??

 

“Are you serious about me working at Kinnetik??

 

“You’re my partner. And yeah, I’m serious.? Christ, I’m in dangerous of losing my other ball here tonight, he thought, nearly wincing at the thought. 

 

“I thought you didn’t believe in nepotism.?

 

Brian took a deep breath and then said, “Deb said that she could keep Gus tonight. I think you and I need to talk.?

 

“I can count the number of times you’ve said that on one hand,?he teased but Brian didn’t even smirk. In fact, his countenance didn’t even change. “Brian,?he began.

 

Brian looked at the crosswalk and then began to cross the street when the symbol for pedestrian flashed. Crossing the street to their building, Brian took a seat on the top of the steps and Justin sat between his legs. Brian wrapped his arms around his lover and said, “Things are never easy for us, Justin. But it doesn’t mean that we have to make things harder for each other. I hate talking but sometimes a good, hard fuck isn’t the solution.?

 

Justin began to snicker but then realized that reaction wasn’t healthy. Whenever Brian decided it was necessary to talk, he had better listen. “I’m not entirely happy about this LA thing but I know you need to go. You are on the board of Kinnetik so it’s not entirely unreasonable that I offer you the position. I’d offer you the position of Director but, and don’t get pissy, I don’t think you’re quite ready for it yet. This thing with Rage will give you that necessary experience. Besides, if you and I are in it for the long haul we’re going to have to deal with separation.?

 

“I haven’t dealt with it very well,?Justin said, remembering the aborted trip to Vermont and the subsequent demise of their relationship. That thought tempered his elation at the idea of him and Brian being in it together for the long haul.

 

“You were young and I didn’t really explain the ramifications of what happened when the agency shifted ownership. But this is different. You’re going into this with your eyes wide open. It’s me that has to be mature,?Brian said. “After all, you aren’t the one who hired a hustler because I was fucked up over you walking out on me with the fiddler.?

 

Still not entirely comfortable with the knowledge that Brian had fucked a hustler, pretending that said hustler was Justin, Justin said, “I’m not looking for a way out or another fiddler, Brian. I know what to expect from you. I’m happy with you, happy with us.?

 

“Really?? Brian asked. “Would you tell me if you weren’t??

 

Shit. Justin turned to face his lover and said, “Come upstairs with me. This isn’t very comfortable and I don’t think our neighbors really want the Brian-and-Justin show in live living color. Again.?

 

Brian snickered and said, “I think they’ve seen it and heard it all, Sunshine.? But he still followed his boyfriend up to the loft. Forgoing the stairs, they waited for the elevator, hearing the familiar clang. They both remembered a very memorable night when the elevator had gotten stuck between floors and they’d ended up fucking each other in the cart. It was a good thing that Brian was always prepared. 

 

It was Justin who unlocked the door and disarmed the alarm, to Brian’s amusement and slight alarm. He unzipped the tight leather pants and Brian bit his lip as the blond’s creamy white ass was slowly and teasingly revealed. He was on the younger man before Justin had a chance to fully remove his shirt. “God, Brian,?Justin moaned as Brian’s mouth attacked the slender column of his neck.

 

“No God here, just me,?Brian said, as he found Justin’s pulse point, sucking on slightly. “What do you want??

 

“I want you inside me,?Justin whimpered. What he really wanted was to feel Brian’s naked flesh inside him, but he knew that wasn’t possible for a multitude of reasons. Then he stopped thinking for a moment as Brian’s mouth attached itself to one of his nipples, hard-sucking the nubbin of flesh.

 

Brian paused for a moment, looked at Justin, and then said, quietly, “You want me to fuck you bareback, don’t you??

 

Justin hesitated for a second, and then slowly nodded, unsure of where Brian was going with the question. The last time they’d discussed it hadn’t gone so well. He wasn’t sure he wanted to answer the question. Brian could be cruel when he wanted to be. “Yeah,?he whispered.

 

“If we’re monogamous for a year and get tested every six months, I’ll think about it.?Brian couldn’t believe what he was saying but it was something he’d been thinking about a lot lately. Would Justin understand the concession he was making for him? He hadn’t fucked anyone raw in more than a decade.

 

Justin could barely breathe as he took off the gauzy shirt and slowly stripped the wife-beater off, tossing it to the floor. He took a step closer to the still fully clothed Brian and said, “You so love me. You are in love with me.?

 

Okay, time up. Checkmate. “Yeah, I am.?

 

The words fell like a bomb in the suddenly quiet loft. The air conditioner clicked on as an accent to the proclamation. Justin had only been teasing but the response from Brian wasn’t delivered in a teasing vein. He looked at Brian and asked, “What??

 

“Don’t make me say it again.?

 

“I don’t think I heard you right, that’s all. I think I heard something wrong. Can you repeat it for me??

 

Shit. Holy fucking shit. Brian’s mouth was suddenly dry. Then he met the blond’s eyes and said, “Ask me how I feel about you.?

 

“You’re in love with me,?Justin said, knowing that he’d forever remember this as the moment everything changed.

 

Brian took a step closer and felt like he was in some fucking 1950s movie. “Yeah, I am.? So he couldn’t say the actual three little words but this was good enough. And, strangely enough, he didn’t feel like he was losing any of himself. Then he said, “We don’t have to tell the guys, right? I mean, we can just keep this between us, right??

 

Slowly Justin nodded. He couldn’t speak. “I think I can handle this just being between us. I mean, nobody else needs to know how things really are between us.?

 

Brian felt relief and then found his arms full of a blond. “I’m not ashamed of us. It’s just that our life is like a soap opera for the guys and I want something that’s just ours.?

 

“And my mom??

 

Brian’s arms tightened around Justin and then he said, quietly, “Your mom already knows how I feel about you, Sunshine. And Debbie has known for a long time. I think the only person who still has a problem with understanding exactly how things are between us is Michael.?

 

“My mother knew before me??Justin couldn’t help the slight indignant tone of voice but his mother! God it was as if he’d fucking told Michael.

 

“I told her when we had the whole conversation after we got back together. She asked me if you were just my fuck buddy and I told her you are my partner.?

 

“I remember.? He hadn’t thought Brian did, though. “I walked in on that and you looked so shell-shocked.?

 

“Well, I hadn’t talked to you about it and then you walked in and had a look on your face like the air had just been knocked out of you. I’m not good at the whole romantic gesture thing.?

 

“You’re learning,?Justin said. He didn’t want to go to Los Angeles now but he knew how Brian’d react.

 

“I can’t give you the words,?he said.

 

“It’s okay. It’s enough to know that you care.?

 

“I more than fucking care.?

 

“I know, Brian. I know. Can you fuck me now??

 

Slowly Brian shook his head and watched the shock play across Justin’s features. Then he slipped a foil packet into Justin’s hand and said, “No, now you can fuck me.?

 

Understanding was not slow to dawn and Brian watched as Justin’s face was transformed. God, he looked like a kid in a candy store. “You know if I didn’t know better, I’d swear your boyfriend didn’t let you fuck him.?

 

“Partner.?

 

Brian didn’t miss the emphasis on the word partner and took Justin’s hand. “Yeah, partner.? He wasn’t going to get weepy or anything but even Brian Kinney recognizes a monumental occasion when he’s smack-dab in the middle of one. 

 

But before Justin could make a move on him, his cell phone rang. Muffling a slight curse, Brian answered it to hear the faintly acerbic tone of a certain faux redhead. “Yeah, Deb, what’s up??

 

He spared a look at his naked and aroused partner and bit back a sigh. Then he said with feeling, “Yeah, I’ll be over in a few minutes. No, you weren’t interrupting anything. I’ll come get him.?

 

Justin sighed and Brian hit the off button, looking at him with genuine regret. “I have to go get Gus. Seems he’s been asking for his daddy.?

 

Justin nodded and said, “It’s okay, Brian. I’ll be here when you get back.?

 

“Promise??

 

Justin smiled at him and Brian thought again just how lucky he was to have found someone who loved him as much as Justin did. “Yeah, Brian. Go get your son. I’ll make some coffee.?

 

Brian arched an eyebrow and said, “We’ll be up all night and not in a positive, life-affirming way.?

 

“I’m living with an insomniac and a rambunctious four-year-old. I’ll make sure it’s decaf, Brian.?

 

Snorting, Brian grabbed his keys and kissed Justin hard before leaving to go fetch his son.

 

Once he heard the door slide closed, Justin picked up the leather pants and his shirt, heading into the bedroom. He pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants and re-donned the black wife-beater. It was a good look on him. He picked up the phone and dialed Daphne’s number. When a sleepy Daphne answered, her voice sounded as if it were muffled in cotton, ?‘ello.?

 

“Daph, it’s me. Sorry to wake you but I just wanted to say thanks.?

 

“Things all right in the Taylor-Kinney household??

 

“Yeah, things are all right.? No need to tell Daphne that he’d finally gotten the words from Brian. He wanted time to bask in that without sharing it with others. And he really didn’t want to go to Los Angeles now. Suddenly the very idea seemed very, very bad. And it wasn’t just because of the distance but because of what Brian was now offering him. “Thanks, Daph.?

 

“Good night, Justin.?

 

“Night, Daph.?

 

Justin hung up the phone and sat on one of the pillows waiting for his lover and son to arrive home. It was well after Gus’s bed time but he fervently hoped that the younger Kinney would sleep late the following morning. After all, the elder Kinney was grumpy enough when he didn’t get enough sleep. But dealing with father and son was enough to make anyone wish for divine intervention. He curled up intending to shut his eyes for a moment, but then was fast asleep. 

 

He didn’t stir when Brian and Gus arrived back home, the four-year-old relatively quiet for once, a condition that had Brian wondering just what it was that Jaime had treated him to in the kitchen. He started to say a teasing, “Honey, I’m home,?when he saw Justin curled up on one of the pillows, fast asleep. In slumber, Justin looked exceptionally angelic. Tonight was no exception.

 

He looked at his son and held his forefinger up to his mouth as he said, “Ssh, sonny boy. Justin’s asleep.? He and Gus climbed slowly up the stairs and Brian said, “Stay here for a minute. Daddy’ll be right back.?

 

He left his son sitting in their bed and then retrieved a blanket. He crossed to Justin’s side and tucked it around his sleeping partner, feeling Justin move slightly. Then he saw the blue eyes open slightly. “Hey, I didn’t mean to awaken you.?

 

?‘s okay. How’s Gus??

 

“Fine. I think I’ll set him up in our bed,?Brian said. “You okay with sleeping on the futon??

 

Justin nodded and then said in a tone that was tentative, “You might want to think about buying a rollaway for Gus. I think he’s old enough for it now.?

 

“Where would I put it??

 

“The nook. You barely use it after all,?Justin suggested. “You could put in the storage closet when Gus isn’t here.?

 

Since it wasn’t an entirely bad suggestion, Brian simply nodded. “I think Mini-Me can forgo a bath tonight.?

 

“You’re spoiling him rotten,?Justin teased. “What would the mommies think??

 

“It’s a father’s prerogative. Besides, he’s bound to be wondering what’s going on between his mommies. He doesn’t need to worry about what his father’s doing. I understand just how traumatic a chaotic household can be.?

 

“Brian, do you want to talk about it?? He decided to make the overture even if it was rebuffed as usual. Brian never wanted to talk about his childhood. So he was astonished when Brian responded, in a relatively non-sarcastic fashion, “Not tonight. Maybe. Just don’t push. I’ll talk when I’m ready.?

 

Justin simply nodded. It was a major concession and one he didn’t want to have Brian regret making. “I know you appreciate the time you spend with Gus, Brian. I know you’re a good father.?

 

“You’ve said that about me from the very beginning. How did you know that I wasn’t going to fuck things up royally??

 

Justin merely smiled and held his hand out to Brian, who helped him up. “Because, baby, I’m onto you.?

 

“Shouldn’t it be I’ve got you, babe,?Brian said, unsurprised when Justin got the reference to the Sonny-and-Cher song. 

 

“Yeah,?he said softly watching as the look in Brian’s eyes gentled. He knew that there were moments of genuine affection and emotion between them that would go unmarked by those closest to them but it was those times that he treasured the most. Deciding to change the subject because they’d done enough of the mining the emotions thing, Justin said, “You want me to order you some Thai??

 

“No, I had a turkey sandwich at the diner,?Brian said, and might have said more had Gus not piped in with a, “No, you didn’t, Daddy. You didn’t eat.?

 

Turning back to Justin who had a “you’re so busted?expression on his face, Brian had the grace to look momentarily abashed. “I was dealing with shit,?he said quietly. “I lost my appetite. You know how the diner food affects me.?

 

Justin merely gave him a look (Brian sometimes ate diner food for three meals a day) and then said, “So do you want Thai or not??

 

Brian smiled and said, “A peanut butter and avocado sandwich, honey.?

 

Raising an eyebrow at the endearment which wasn’t delivered too sarcastically, Justin nevertheless found his way in the kitchen. The sandwich was one of the few things Brian could fix without making a disaster in the kitchen. Justin smiled to himself remembering the one time he’d come home to find Brian trying to make a chicken casserole. They’d ordered out that night.

 

Brian watched his partner make his way around their kitchen and felt a sudden pang. I’m really going to miss him, he thought. He knew that it would only take one word from him for Justin to call Brett Keller and turn down the opportunity. He also knew that if he gave Justin that incentive that the younger man might never forgive him. Turning his attention away from his partner for the moment, Brian walked up the stairs and glanced at his son. “Hey, Gus. Want me to get your PJ’s??

 

His son nodded and then said, “You and Justin all right, Daddy??

 

“Yeah, kiddo. Daddy and Justin are all right,?Brian said, meaning the words. 

 

He hadn’t forgotten his admission of earlier that evening but was relieved to find that Justin wasn’t harping on it. Somehow he’d thought that Justin would make him repeat it over and over again. The other Justin, the Justin pre-Prom might have, but the Justin post-reconciliation and post-cancer wouldn’t. Brian found himself admiring his partner even more. Brian knew he hadn’t made it easy for him but somehow Justin had stuck and they’d found themselves closer than ever. He sometimes wondered what might have happened had it not been Justin who asked for the second chance but knew better than to do the hindsight thing. All that mattered now was that he had him back.

 

“Daddy,?Gus said, and brought his father’s attention back to the present. “I want to wear the PJ’s.?

 

Brian hunted for the bag Lindsay had dropped off and then handed his son the pair, proud that he didn’t wince at the sight of the cartoon characters emblazoned on them. Christ, can’t either of those women have some fashion sense? Then it occurred to him, of course not, they are lesbians after all not denizens of haute couture Like me. Have I mentioned that Brian’s narcissism was as innate as his psychological demons?

 

Gus quickly put on the PJ’s with a speed that impressed his father. As Brian watched his son settle in to the center of their bed, he was unaware of the very loving and gentle expression on his face. Justin, watching his partner from a not insignificant distance away saw the look in Brian’s eyes. He slowly walked up the stairs and lightly touched Brian on the arm. “He looks just like you,?he said softly. 

 

Brian turned and smiled. “Yeah, he does.? Then he reached out and took the plate with the sandwich and said, “Thanks.?

 

Justin shrugged, letting Brian know that he’d been happy to do it for him. Justin and Brian sat watching Gus shift as he got more comfortable, finally curling up in a near-fetal position that both men recognized. Brian was kind of surprised that his son hadn’t asked him for a bedtime story but he figured the kid was just worn out. Putting a finger to his lips, Brian took Justin’s hand and led him back downstairs. They settled on one of the pillows and Brian put the plate on the light box as he said, “I know why you were upset earlier today. I know it bothers you that I can say it to everybody else but not you.?

 

Justin shook his head and began to respond but stopped when he saw that Brian wasn’t through talking. “I know that I’ve been shitty to you. That I’ve kicked you out and told you that you weren’t my partner (not one of his finer moments). I think I’ll get there. It will just take me some time.?

 

The fact that Brian even worried about the fact that Justin needed to hear him say “I love you,?was a balm to Justin’s bruised feelings. But now he didn’t need the words as much as he once had. Hell, if he didn’t know that Brian loved him by now, he’d never know it. And he was willing to accept a lot of the shit that came with loving Brian, because he had the parts of Brian that were good and loving and only ever directed at him and for him. There were things and actions that Brian would only do for him. Not Michael. Only him.

 

“And you don’t need to worry about Michael,?Brian finished.

 

At that Justin looked up to see Brian wearing a somewhat worried or conflicted expression. He seemed genuinely concerned about his partner’s reaction. “I know how you feel. I know you love Michael. I’m okay with that. Besides I think his husband would have something to say about it if he made a play for you now.?

 

“God, that’s strange, isn’t it??

 

“What??

 

“Michael as someone’s husband. It’s just I—” Brian began and then cut himself off as he realized what he started to say.

 

“You always thought he’d be there hanging out in your shadow?? Justin was mighty pleased that no heat accompanied the words. 

 

Yeah, there was still some bitterness between him and Michael but it was now mellowing. He had to admit that he had reason to be grateful for Michael not saying anything about the job offer to Brian. Yet he somehow doubted that Brian would be as grateful. In fact, he figured Brian would be pretty fucking pissed when/if he found out that his supposed best friend had kept such an important detail from him. Of all the times for Michael Novotny to keep his mouth shut. Justin was relieved that he could find the amusement in the situation. But he knew that if Brian got a wild hair up his ass to confront Michael and see if Michael knew about the possibility of a job on the set, it would be bad for everyone.

 

Brian’s eyes narrowed as he took a bite of the sandwich to keep from delivering a snarky, sarcastic comment in response. He swallowed before answering. “No. I just thought that he’d end up someone’s wife.? Okay, so that wasn’t really what he thought but I think we all know Brian Kinney’s views on marriage by now. “Ben’s a good guy. And Hunter’s a mixed-up kid. Ben and Mikey will be good for him.?

 

Justin snickered at Brian’s summation of Hunter as a “mixed-up kid? That supposedly mixed-up kid did a pretty good job of flirting with his lover every chance he got and Brian, damn him, encouraged him slightly. Though Justin had noticed lately that Brian’s temper was flaring a little bit more when the kid made his suggestive comments, accompanied with the prerequisite wiggled eyebrows. God, Justin thought, the poor kid didn’t have a chance. Brian’s mine, he thought.

 

“What??

 

“Just that you’re remarkably accepting of Hunter all of a sudden.?

 

Brian’s eyes narrowed again. “I would never fuck him,?he said, a little indignant at the assumption Justin was making. He did have some discretion and lanky, greasy-haired kids just weren’t his style.

 

“I know,?Justin said, recognizing dangerous water when he felt it. Damn, they’d been having such a good conversation. And he really didn’t want to fuck it up now. “I’m not jealous. And I know that Mikey’s your best friend and you’ll always love him.?

 

And that lay at the crux of the matter. Brian was smart enough to realize that. “You two need to get over your petty jealousies. Michael’s got a husband and I’ve got you. You’re my little shit and I intend to keep it that way.?

 

“Ooh,?Justin said. “Am I Jane??

 

“Me Tarzan. You Jane.? Brian said, doing a passable imitation of the character. Gus had recently coaxed him into watching the cartoon version because he refused to watch Brendan Fraser cavort in a loincloth though he hadn’t minded him so much in The Mummy. Hell, that movie at least had the hot Billy Zane in it. “Seriously Justin. I know you and Michael have come to some sort of truce over me. But I hate being pulled between you two. It’s like watching two dogs with one bone and I hate being the fucking bone.?

 

“Okay, Mufasa,?Justin said and was rewarded with one of Brian’s rare genuine smiles. It brought back good memories. Deciding once again that a change of topic was in order, he watched as Brian finished the sandwich and then emitted a very self-satisfied belch. In some ways, Brian was still a typical man. In others he was all but typical. “So you want to do New York??

 

Brian nodded and said, “We’re steering clear of the East Village and Chelsea.?

 

“Why??

 

Hesitating, Brian found himself standing, looking out at the sleeping city. It was weird that somehow he didn’t mind the nights he and Justin spent alone at the loft so much. He found that Babylon was losing its allure to a degree. Well, he was never into recycled goods and lately that was all he’d found at Babylon. He sensed Justin move up beside him and turned his head to look at his partner. “Did I ever tell you that when I was twenty I made a trip to New York??

 

Justin slowly shook his head and moved closer to Brian. Brian marked the action and said in a low, husky tone, “Come here.?

 

Justin found himself tucked in beside Brian and then the other man began to speak again. “I wanted to go for some reason and Mom and Dad didn’t want to pay for the trip. I was busting my ass with school and work and soccer. I knew that Michael didn’t have the money to go and I didn’t want to make him feel worse by not asking him. So one night I found myself in the gay district and this guy approached me. He said he’d give me $300 if I’d suck him off. It wasn’t the worst offer I’d ever had and the guy wasn’t that bad looking. Kind of hot in a rough way, you know the type.?

 

Justin was silent. He’d never heard this story before. But now Brian’s reaction to him dancing at Babylon was suddenly much clearer. It made sense now that more lay behind the reaction than just jealousy. “I let him suck me off and he gave me the three bills. He said how nice my dick was and told me I could earn an extra $100 if he could suck me off. I’d never done anything like what he was asking me, at least not for money. I felt a little weird about it but it was an easy $400 if I didn’t let myself think about what I was giving up.?

 

“Brian,?Justin began.

 

“Let me finish. So I knelt in that dirty alley and got the guy off. He paid me and said that there were ways I could earn that much money nightly if I wanted to. I shook my head. I wasn’t na?e enough that I didn’t understand what he was implying. I wanted the money but I had no intention of becoming a hustler. I had more self-respect for myself than that.?

 

“Is that why seeing me hustle for Sap bothered you so much??

 

“Yeah, it’s part of it. I don’t think anyone would like seeing their boyfriend shaking their ass for a bunch of tweaked-out crystal queens and horny queers. But yeah, I didn’t want to see you drifting down the same path I did. I wanted more for you. That’s why I wanted you to take the money from me.?

 

“Why are you telling me this now??

 

“Because I understand how seductive the thought of a quick buck can be. But you’re worth so much more than that, Justin. When you go out to Hollywood, don’t sell your dreams for a dollar. Remember that you have them and what you’ve had to go through to get there.? Brian hesitated a moment, “I just have some bad memories of that particular trip to New York. Can you understand that??

 

Justin nodded. But he still didn’t entirely understand the man. “Why don’t we make new memories to replace the bad ones??

 

“Maybe.?

 

Then cracked a smile as he asked, “A pep talk? From Brian Kinney?? He could tell from Brian’s noncommittal reaction that his attempt at levity was lost on the man.

 

“Hey, I’m having a moment here,?Brian said. “I just don’t want you to let some Hollywood jack-off persuade you into giving up the strength and fiber of what went into making Rage and JT a success.? Tempering his serious tone, Brian smirked as he said, “Besides I am Rage after all.?

 

Yes, Brian was Rage but he’d mellowed a bit. Justin seriously doubted he would live to see his 22nd birthday if he reminded Brian of that fact. Besides, after the blow-up earlier that evening when he’d walked out, he’d half wondered if he’d ever see the loft again. It was weird seeing it through a lens that now said that he lived here. Again. And for real, this time.

 

“Hey, Sunshine, what’s with the gerbil routine??

 

Okay, moment over. Justin began to glare at him and then decided it wasn’t worth the effort. Brian wouldn’t change that much. “Nothing. Just thinking.?

 

“Thinking is highly overrated,?Brian said, with a suggestive look on his face that said he’d rather do something else. Something very likely illegal in several states.

 

But the story Brian had just related was still fresh in Justin’s mind. He didn’t think Brian would ever understand just how much it hurt him when Brian was hurting. Sometimes it was actual physical pain, like the pain you get when someone is sticking a needle in your arm to draw blood. Other times it was just a topical sensation. But he couldn’t imagine just how Brian had felt when he’d given some guy head for money. And not even for desperate reasons, that would be bad enough, but for a trip to New York.

 

Brian marked the sad look in his partner’s eyes and regretted for a moment telling Justin the story. Then he realized that Justin was possibly the only person who would understand. “Michael doesn’t know.?

 

Justin moved into his arms and Brian embraced him, Justin nearly sitting astride him. There was a slight twinge in his collarbone but he could deal with the pain as long as it made that look in his Sunshine’s eyes go away. “I love you, Brian,?Justin said quietly and Brian knew he was forcing back emotion.

 

“I know,?he said, resting his chin atop Justin’s head, breathing in the clean scent of shampoo and the faint scent of the expensive moisturizer that Justin had only recently begun using. Better to start early he guessed but he figured that any lines Justin might have were a direct result of a relationship with him. 

 

Justin knew, he just knew, how difficult this had to be on Brian but he was elated by the other man’s admission. What a major thing it was for Brian to admit his feelings. He began to say something and then heard a banging on the loft door. Both he and Brian looked up at each other; Brian with a bleak look in his eyes. Fuck me, they both thought as Brian sluggishly walked towards the front door. At least, they weren’t fucking, he thought, though it was of little comfort at the moment.


	5. Complications of the Mind

While Brian went to the door, Justin went to check on Gus, making sure that he was still sleeping. Gus had turned onto his side and Justin stood there for a moment just watching the child sleep. He was about to go back to join Brian when he heard his lover’s voice say, “Why are you here?”

 

Justin went to the top of the stairs and looked down, stunned speechless when he saw Brian’s two nephews standing framed in the door. What the fuck are the Terrible Two doing here? And where the hell is Claire? He had no idea just how close his thoughts paralleled Brian’s but wouldn’t have been too surprised.

 

Justin walked downstairs to join his lover and saw John’s eyes go a shade darker. “Oh, you’re here,” he said derisively.

 

Brian glanced at his partner and refrained from making a snide remark. Clearly the kids were here for a reason. He just couldn’t fathom a reason that the demon spawn of his sister would darken his doorstep and alone. “He’s my partner, John.”

 

Before John had a chance to respond, Peter, the younger of the two, spoke up. “Uncle Brian, what does that mean?”

 

Since Peter had never done anything cruel to him, Brian saw the sense in at least being kind to the kid. It wasn’t his fault that his mother was a cunt and his older brother was a homophobe in training. “He’s my boyfriend, Peter. He lives with me.” Brian said.

 

John snorted and said, “He means that they suck each other’s cocks and fuck each other.”

 

Brian glared and took a step forward when he felt the calming pressure of Justin’s hand upon his arm. He glanced at his partner and took a deep breath. Justin knew that Brian was never good at dealing with family and particularly not his nephews. He’d heard the story of Brian telling the young boys that he had their grandfather’s head in a bowling bag at the wake of Brian’s dad. So he figured it was up to him to broker some sort of peace accord. “Peter, we have a Play Station 2. Why don’t you come with me?”

 

Peter followed Justin into the living room and left John and Brian staring at each other. Finally realizing that he wasn’t going to win a staring contest with his uncle, John began to speak. “I think something happened to Peter,” he began.

 

“Like what?” Brian asked. If the kid could make an attempt at being civil, so could he. After all, he was the grown up. Supposedly.

 

“He’s been spending a lot of time with the older altar boys and spent some time alone with Father Padraic O’Connell.”

 

Brian had begun paying more attention. With all the headlines about corrupt priests and pedophilia running rampant within the Catholic Church, even a lapsed Catholic like himself paid attention. “You said Padraic O’Connell?”

 

John nodded. “You know him?”

 

Brian sighed and looked at his nephew. Before getting any further into this conversation, he knew that he needed to tell Claire that her offspring were safe. Somehow he doubted that she’d see it that way but he knew that John had to be desperate to come to him for help. “Where does your mother think you are?”

 

“Asleep,” John said. “We snuck out through the bedroom window.”

 

Realizing a smile would be seen as a sign of encouragement, Brian simply said, “I pulled that one myself on nights when your grandfather beat the shit out of me.”

 

John’s eyes went wide. “Granddad beat you?”

 

Brian nodded. “Yeah, he did. You remember that story I told at the funeral?”

 

John studied his uncle and then nodded. “Yeah. It was true?”

 

Trust Claire to make it seem like Brian was a master of prevarication when she was no novice at it herself. He didn’t ever want to lie to his son. “Jack Kinney was a mean son of a bitch when he drank. And sometimes when he was sober as a judge. He didn’t want another kid and he certainly didn’t want me.”

 

“Because you are gay?”

 

Of course John would think that. “Dad didn’t know that until a few months before he died. No, he didn’t want me because I was me. I wanted more than a pension plan and a job with the union.” He glanced at his nephew and said warily, “What do you think happened to Peter?” I’ll be damned if I get accused of fondling another one of my nephews.

 

Sensing his uncle’s reluctance to get involved in anything involving him and his brother, John bit his lip. “I shouldn’t have taken the money and the bracelet, Uncle Brian. I shouldn’t have accused you of what I did. I was just pissed at Mom for dumping me on you.”

 

“I was pissed at your mother for dumping you on me,” Brian said, realizing that his young nephew probably had just as low an opinion of his mother as he did but for different reasons. Claire was just his sister. He had no idea what it would be like to grow up with his sister as a mother. “And I shouldn’t have shoved your head in the toilet.”

 

To his amazement John just grinned.

 

He glanced over and saw Justin and Peter playing Lara Croft. Somehow his partner had convinced him to buy the game and since various sexual favors were promised in return, he’d acquiesced. “Uncle Brian,” John said tentatively.

 

Brian returned his attention to his unexpected guest and said, “Yeah. Let me call your mom, John. Can I trust you not to take anything?”

 

John nodded, looking sheepish and guilty. “I’m not going to accuse you of anything. Uncle Brian.”

 

Okay, the uncle part was beginning to bother him. So Brian said, “Drop the uncle. Just call me Brian. So you want anything to drink?” Thank God, he and Justin had gone to the grocery store. He had all kinds of junk food and other unhealthy items. 

 

“Beer,” John said, obviously testing the limits of what his new unexpected ally would allow him to get away with.

 

Brian cracked a smile. Smart-ass kid. “Try again.”

 

Well, John thought, it was worth a try. “Soda. Can I use your bathroom?”

 

“Yeah,” Brian said, turning to grab a bottle of soda and then a glass. It was only as he turned back that he realized he’d forgotten about his sleeping son. Shit, he thought. Well, the kids had to find out about their cousin someday. He looked up to see his partner staring at him. “What?” he asked softly.

 

Justin smiled slightly. “You’re a good uncle,” he said.

 

Brian snorted. “Try telling Claire and my mother that. You get anything out of Peter?”

 

“Only that something is going on at church and at school. You ever notice that the kids who go to parochial school are sometimes more fucked-up than the kids who go to public school?”

 

“I think it depends,” Brian said. “Nothing much out of John except that his brother’s been hanging out with an older crowd. Sixteen-year-old altar boys.” Brian remembered himself at sixteen and knew just how much trouble kids could get into when they wanted to.

 

“Christ, Brian,” Justin said and then said nothing as they were joined by a wide-eyed John.

 

“Brian, who’s the kid in your bed?”

 

Brian and Justin exchanged glances and then Brian swallowed hard. “My son,” he answered.

 

“No shit?”

 

“No shit,” Brian responded in kind. “His name is Gus. He’s four.”

 

“I thought you didn’t sleep with girls.”

 

“I don’t. It happened through artificial insemination, John.”

 

“You mean that you jacked off in a cup and then they inserted it into her.”

 

Well, shit. It was scary just how much John’s interpretation matched what Brian had told Justin about the experience. Brian nodded. His nephew seemed to have grown up a slight bit though Brian still didn’t entirely trust him. He glanced at his partner and saw the gleam of amusement in Justin’s eyes. He found little about this whole situation amusing.

 

“I’m going to call Claire,” Brian said, leaving his partner and nephew in the kitchen.

 

Justin watched Brian out of the corner of his eye, knowing that Peter was engrossed in the game, and said, “You okay, John?”

 

Rather than answering the question, John looked at him, really looked at him, and then said, “I think someone did something to Peter.”

 

Justin took a deep breath and said, “Something bad?”

 

John slowly nodded, taking a sip of soda. He remembered Justin coming up to him in the arcade and how he’d reacted. Granted it had only been a few years ago but he’d grown up in a household where homosexuality was not condoned or even discussed so he’d felt uncomfortable especially remembering the confrontation at their house later. His mom had a habit of referring to her brother as “that queer” or “that fag”. His grandmother wasn’t much better. “I think someone touched him or made him do something.”

 

“Like what?” Justin said, not intending to put words in the kid’s mouth. If John had suspicions it was better he talk about them than respond to suggestions.

 

“Maybe Father Padraic got Petey to suck his dick,” John said, looking down as he spoke. “Or got him to touch his dick.”

 

Wasn’t living with Claire bad enough? Justin wondered, stealing a look at his partner. “Have you gotten any kind of sense that might have happened from Father Padraic?”

 

John set the glass down and then his expression changed. “Yeah, because he did it to me,” he burst out and then to Justin’s surprise he began to cry.

 

Brian glanced over and then hit the redial on the phone again. Claire better be there, he thought. He had no intention of taking care of his nephews for longer than an hour. He muffled a curse when he heard the answering machine again. Where the fuck are you Claire? Knowing his sister she’d probably call the cops if she knew her offspring were with him.

 

Rejoining his lover and nephew in the kitchen, he was astounded to see John crying. He raised an eyebrow and met Justin’s eyes. His lover mouthed the words, It’s bad, and Brian stifled a groan. He was not equipped to deal with this shit even though he was usually the only calm head in a crisis, except when it involved someone he cared about, like Justin or Michael. “John, does your mom have a cell phone?”

 

The weeping teen looked at his uncle and shook his head. Brian rolled his eyes upward. Couldn’t she join the technological age? “She said it costs too much money. And Grandma said only drug dealers and pimps have cell phones.”

 

Brian couldn’t help snorting at that. “Sounds like something my mother would say. There’s no answer at your house. You think she might have gone out looking for you two?”

 

John shook his head again and Brian was struck for the first time by the familial resemblance. He’d never seen it before or he’d just never cared enough to look. “No, usually she just passes out. She really likes vodka.”

 

Like mother, like daughter, Brian thought. But he couldn’t blame Claire for that too much since he shared his father’s affinity for well-aged scotch. “You want to tell me why you’re so upset?”

 

John glanced at Justin, his sudden and unexpected ally. He supposed his uncle’s partner wasn’t too bad. Justin gave him an encouraging look and John said, “Father Sean’s been touching me, Brian.”

 

Brian took ahold of the bar stool and stared hard at his nephew. The little fuck better not be making this up. As if the kid had read his uncle’s mind, John suddenly stiffened his spine, a move both men recognized from their encounters with Joan Kinney, and said, “I’m not making it up, Uncle Brian. I think he’s been touching Peter too.”

 

“When did this start?” Brian asked, taking great breaths to keep from exploding. Couldn’t one generation of Kinney children have a break?

 

“About a year and a half ago,” John admitted, not meeting his uncle’s eyes. He knew what his uncle was going to think and couldn’t exactly blame him.

 

“Is that why you accused me of molestation, John?” He couldn’t quite keep all the anger out of his voice but he tried. 

 

John’s eyes welled up with tears again and then he said, “I didn’t think about how it could fuck up your life. I just needed someone to believe that something bad was happening.”

 

“And you couldn’t tell your mom the truth?”

 

All three were astonished when a voice from behind them said, “No, Uncle Brian, we couldn’t tell Mom the truth. We can’t tell Mom the truth because she’ll punish us for saying something bad about the Catholic Church.”

 

Brian turned around and saw his youngest nephew looking at him. “Claire beats you?” Well, there goes the last option of my remaining neutral, he thought. He couldn’t just stand by and do nothing while his nephews were going through this. And where the hell was their father in all of this?

 

“What about your dad?” Justin asked, not missing the dark expression on Brian’s face as he asked the question.

 

“Don’t know where he is. The alimony and child support checks stopped coming a long time ago,” John answered, taking another sip of soda and putting an arm around his younger brother. "And she doesn't exactly beat us, but she has pulled out the belt on occasion."

 

Brian suddenly had a better idea of why his nephew had tried the five-finger stroll through his wallet. He ran a hand through his chestnut hair and then said in a gentler tone, “John, is that why you were taking money from me?”

 

“Partly,” John admitted. “And part was because Mom always talks about how you have more money than God. But I knew that Peter needed a new pair of sneakers and even with Mom working all those hours at the hospital it isn’t enough.”

 

“Did you think about telling me all this then?” Brian asked, not sure he would have listened.

 

Again, John asked, “Would you have listened?”

 

“Maybe.” 

 

Brian looked down at the portable phone and then said, “Do you want me to call Grandma to come get you?” He knew it was a useless question. His mother was usually deep into the cups by ten o’clock in the morning. Still he was somewhat surprised when the boys chorused, “No!”

 

“Can’t we just stay here, Uncle Brian?” Peter asked with a look on his face and Brian knew he’d feel like a shit if he said no. Besides he couldn’t just turn the boys down and send them back into the night.

 

Resigned to the company of his nephews, Brian glanced at his lover. Justin had a matching expression on his face. “Yeah, the bed’s up there. There are spare toothbrushes in the cabinet.” He turned to Justin and said, “You have any extra boxers that John could borrow?”

 

John suddenly flushed as the reality of his uncle’s living arrangement came home to him. Brian’s not such a bad guy, he thought, feeling guilty for the way he’d treated him a few years back. “It’s okay, Brian. I can sleep in my jeans.”

 

“I’ve got some sweats,” Justin said. “They may be a little big but it’ll be okay for one night. Want me to help you guys get set up?”

 

John and Peter nodded and Justin led them into the bathroom, while Brian stood in the kitchen, wondering what exactly he was going to do. Then he picked up the discarded portable phone and dialed Claire’s number again. He had little hope that his sister would actually answer but still he knew he needed to make the call. When the answering machine picked up again, he said, “Claire, it’s Brian. Your kids are here. When you get this message, call me or come over. Do not call the fucking cops on me.”

 

He had just hung up when Justin and the two boys returned. Sure enough John was nearly swimming in Justin’s sweatpants but it was Peter who concerned Brian. “Are you okay, Peter?” Brian asked.

 

“What Father Padraic’s been doing is wrong, isn’t it?” he asked, the plaintive note in his voice tearing at Brian’s heart.

 

“Yeah, Peter, it’s wrong.”

 

“But isn’t what you and Justin do wrong too?”

 

Brian avoided looking at John, sure that the elder of the pair would have a smug expression on his face. “Justin and I are in a consensual relationship, Peter. What Father Sean is asking you to do is wrong and it’s not something you can consent to.”

 

He wasn’t sure that Peter understood but he’d given as delicate an answer as he could. He’d never been one to carefully craft his words but he knew better than to give a smart-ass response. The kid wasn’t trying to be rude or insensitive. “He made me do things, Uncle Brian,” Peter said. “Bad things.”

 

“How old are you now?” Brian asked. He could never remember his nephews’ ages and why would he when he made great effort to stay away from his family?

 

“Twelve,” Peter answered, voice quavering.

 

“You can’t consent to what Father Padraic did to you, Peter. It was wrong. Evil behavior.” Not intending that this stretch any further into the wee hours of morning than it already had, Brian said, “You two try to get some sleep. I’ll call your mom in the morning.”

 

Peter went up the stairs and Brian heard him getting comfortable. It was John who took a moment to linger. Brian sent him a questioning look and then John said, “Thanks. I think you made him feel better. He’s still just a kid.”

 

“So are you, John. We’ll talk some more in the morning. I’ll introduce you two to Gus then.”

 

John nodded and took a step towards his uncle and then hesitated. Brian marked the action and then said, “It’ll be okay, John.”

 

Later, once they were sure the two boys were asleep, Brian and Justin found themselves talking in low tones so as not to disturb the three children. Though both usually slept nude, Brian had slipped on a pair of crimson silk pajama bottoms and Justin wore a pair of sweatpants. “Did you try Claire again?” Justin asked.

 

“Yeah. I got the answering machine again. You know, if Claire would talk to her kids it would be different.”

 

“You know how difficult it can be to trust parents, Brian.”

 

Brian nodded and then said, “I can’t believe they came to me. I nearly shut the door in John’s face when I saw it was them.”

 

“I know,” Justin said. He glanced at his partner and said, “You did good tonight, Brian.”

 

It always made Brian feel good when Justin praised him. It made him feel even better when he could hear the pride even though he didn’t always acknowledge it. “I couldn’t just shove ‘em out, could I?” Then a sudden thought occurred to him, “How the fuck am I going to get them to school tomorrow?” He really did need a bigger car.

 

Justin nearly smiled and then thought better of it. “You will call them in sick tomorrow. And I will stay here with the kids while you go track down Claire and talk to Carl. He may not be in the child abuse division but I’m sure he knows some cops who are.”

 

Brian groaned quietly. “I’m not exactly a friend of the boys in blue, Justin. And I nearly ended up wearing prison orange. And I don’t look good in orange.”

 

Justin slid closer to him, wrapping his arms around Brian’s neck. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll be fine. The boys will be fine. Let’s just sleep.”

 

“I’d rather fuck you,” Brian said, morose that it couldn’t happen. Then he felt Justin’s lips on his and they kissed long and passionately. When the kiss broke, he looked into Justin’s eyes and spoke quietly, “Thanks.”

 

“Anytime.”

 

They were awakened a few hours later by a fierce knocking on the door. Since it had begun to be a pattern, Brian rolled away from Justin and crossed to the door. He slid it open and was faced with an obviously angry and hung-over Claire. “You fucking pervert,” she hissed. “Where the hell are my kids?”

 

“Up there,” Brian said, indicating his bedroom. “With my kid.”

 

Without another word, she clomped up the stairs and stopped dead when she saw the young child in bed beside her sleeping sons. She turned and was faced with an equally angry Brian. “What did you do to my kids?”

 

At her harsh words, John stirred in his sleep and then slowly opened his eyes. “Mom,” he said, voice harsh with sleep. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I could ask you the same thing. Get your little butt up. We’re leaving. What did your uncle do to you?”

 

John looked at his mother and then at his uncle. Gathering strength from some hidden reserve of resolve, he said, “Nothing. Mom, he didn’t do anything to us. He let us crash here. He was nice to us.”

 

Startled at the unexpected praise, Brian was pleased but knew better than to show that reaction. “I don’t believe that,” she said.

 

“Fuck you, Claire,” Brian said quietly. “You didn’t even know where your fucking kids were. I won’t be blamed because you are a miserable excuse for a parent.”

 

“How dare you?!” she said, raising a hand.

 

Brian marked the action and then said dryly, “You hit me and I hit you back, Claire. I’m not ten anymore. I don’t think you want to play that card.”

 

“You fucking little faggot,” she said.

 

“Claire, you have it right on all but one count. I’m not little,” Brian said and then his sister’s hand was arcing through the air making dead-on contact with his cheek.

 

John watched in horror and saw Justin sit up, rubbing his eyes as he looked around for his partner. Justin heard the impact and then was up the stairs. He stood between Brian and Claire. “We did nothing wrong, you malicious cunt. Your kids came here because you were in an alcoholic stupor. They needed their uncle’s help because you aren’t doing your job as a mother.”

 

“We’re leaving,” Claire hissed. “Get your clothes now!”

 

Brian fully expected his nephew to heel but was surprised when John stood his ground. “You hit Uncle Brian for no reason, Mom. Just like you hit me and Peter. Father Padraic has been touching both of us. He made me touch his dick and suck it.”

 

If it were any other person, of any other age, Brian might have asked if he’d enjoyed it. But the horrors of child abuse were nothing to joke about. Apparently John wasn’t done because he said, “Father Tom’s gay, Mom. Uncle Brian never did anything to me. I stole the money and the bracelet because I was pissed off at you.”

 

“Don’t use such language and don’t say that about Father Tom,” Claire said, knowing that she’d lost face in front of her eldest son. But the horror of her son’s statement was suddenly penetrating the alcoholic haze. “Father Padraic has been molesting you?”

 

John slowly nodded. “Yeah, Mom. Did you really think all those times he wanted to give me private lessons was because I didn’t know the verses? You and Grandma drill them into me enough.”

 

Brian was beginning to understand his nephew a little better. He could still quote chapter and verse of the Bible on occasion. It wasn’t a talent he used but he remembered. “Claire, I think your son has been through enough. Let the kid go back to sleep,” he said, rubbing the place on his cheek where her hand had made contact. He was grateful that she wasn’t wearing rings. That would have hurt more. Now it was the indignity of her action that bothered him more.

 

“I don’t listen to you,” she said. “Don’t tell me how to raise my kids, Brian.”

 

“You’re not raising them. You didn’t even sense there might be a problem.”

 

“And you’re such a saint with your fucking teenage boyfriend.”

 

“I’m twenty-one,” Justin said. Christ, didn’t this woman ever learn?

 

“He’s my partner, Claire. And our relationship is none of your fucking business. Now, let John get some sleep. I’ll make coffee.”

 

Claire glanced at her son and saw how tired he looked. Of course, her brother looked gorgeous as usual, except for his usual case of bad bed-hair. Not wishing to argue, Claire simply followed Brian back into the kitchen. She took a stool and Justin took the other, surreptitiously moving it a bit further away. He rather doubted Claire would notice. 

 

Claire slumped into the chair and Brian pulled down the coffee pot. He wondered briefly if he had anything to knock her out. But then he said, “John’s right. Father Tom is gay.”

 

“That’s blasphemy,” Claire said. “I don’t believe you.”

 

Brian and Justin looked at each other. “I fucked him in the baths,” Brian said. “He sure does look different when he’s on all fours begging for my dick.” As he spoke he couldn’t look at Justin knowing that the other man would probably, no definitely not approve of his last statement.

 

“You are disgusting,” Claire responded. “How could you sleep with a priest?”

 

“Sleeping wasn’t involved,” he said with a smirk, avoiding Justin’s eyes. He knew his partner would think the comment was ill-advised but at the moment he didn’t give a fuck. When did the loft turn into Grand Central Station? “And I didn’t know until I took Mom to church, Claire.” Brian said, measuring out coffee. “Don’t you think your sons are more important?”

 

“Don’t tell me how to raise my kids, Brian. I’m the only one they’ve got.”

 

“They’ve got me,” Brian pointed out. “They were so desperate for someone to listen to them that John came to me. He came to the man he accused of molestation because he couldn’t talk to you, Claire. Don’t you see how fucked up that is?”

 

Suddenly weary, Claire slowly nodded. “What do you want me to do, Brian? I work fifty hours a week and I’m barely making ends meet. The boys are growing and need new stuff every other week it seems.”

 

“And their dad?”

 

“John, Senior, has all but disappeared,” she said. “The last time I heard from him was two years ago. That’s when the alimony and child support checks stopped coming.”

 

“Is that when you started telling your kids about how much money their Uncle Brian had and how selfish he was for not giving you any?” Justin asked. He had lost all sympathy for Claire if he’d ever had any. Man, she was a miserable human being.

 

Claire turned to meet his eyes. “How can you sit there and talk to me like that? He’s your sugar daddy, isn’t he?”

 

Both Brian and Justin winced. “No, we’re partners, Claire. I may not make as much money as Brian but I don’t depend on him for everything. In fact, I’m leaving for California in a month to work on a movie.”

 

“What exactly does ‘partner’ mean?” Claire asked, voice sarcastic.

 

Justin began to answer and then Brian cut him off, “He’s the closest thing to a brother-in-law you have, Claire. So just fucking deal with the fact that I’m in a relationship with another man. A hot younger man.” He took a deep breath and then said, “Cream and sugar?”

 

“No, I drink it black.” Claire said and then openly began to study Justin. “So you two love each other?” she asked.

 

“I love him,” Justin answered. He couldn’t look at Brian.

 

“Brian?” Claire inquired with little of her customary acidity.

 

Brian poured coffee into three mugs and looked at his sister. “I care a lot about him, Claire. Shouldn’t you be more concerned about your kids?”

 

“What about your kid?”

 

“Lindsay’s his mother, Claire. Artificial insemination. Your kids, Claire. I’m not the issue here tonight.” Why can’t she stay on topic?

 

“What do you suggest I do, Brian?”

 

“Well, Claire,” he said, with exaggerated patience. “You call the cops and they’ll take John and Peter’s statements. And then you get them away from that school.”

 

“I can’t afford another private school,” she said. “They’re on a partial scholarship, Brian.”

 

“Public school, Claire. It’s where I went. I still went on to get my bachelor’s degree and own my own business. There’s no reason why John and Peter can’t do the same.”

 

“But there are all the problems in public schools. I don’t want my kids walking through metal detectors and dealing with all the security measures.”

 

Priorities? “Would you rather them stay in an environment which is even more unhealthy to their mental and physical health? Claire, the boys deserve to go to school in a safe environment.”

 

She sighed and then took a sip of her coffee. She looked at her brother and said, “What about you?”

 

“What about me?” Brian said, figuring he knew where she was going next. “I’m not their father, Claire. It’s not my responsibility to bail you out every time you have trouble.”

 

“But—” she began. 

 

“Claire, public school isn’t so bad. I’ll help you do the research and see which one is best for the boys. But you can’t have them go back to Saint Ignatius’.”

 

Hearing the logic in what her brother was saying, Claire nodded with resignation. “I’m sorry they dumped all this on you, Brian.”

 

“Your son apologized for lying about me molesting him, Claire,” Brian said, hoping she’d take the hint. 

 

Of course, Claire didn’t. She simply continued to drink coffee. Brian glanced at his partner and said, “Justin, you can go back to sleep. I think the drama’s over for a little while.”

 

Slowly Justin shook his head. Brian had lost it if he thought he was leaving him to deal with Claire alone. United we stand, he thought.

 

John had laid awake in bed listening to his uncle and mother arguing. He cried silently as he tried to fall back asleep. His uncle seemed to have his best interests at heart and he hadn’t just kicked him and Peter out. He wished his mother would act like she cared more about them, that they were more than just a nuisance to her. Finally he kicked free of the sheet and walked downstairs.

 

“Mom,” John said quietly.

 

His mother turned to look at him. Certain he had her attention at least for the moment John took a deep breath. “Uncle Brian didn’t do anything to me. This is not his fault. Father Padraic is sick and he’s touched both of us. I need a mother right now, not a religious zealot,” he said, sounding much older than his years.

 

Justin and Brian exchanged glances and then waited. Claire set down her coffee cup and said, “What do you want from me?”

 

“I need a mom,” John said. “Do you know how it made me feel to spend time with him alone and then when he called Peter into his office? I knew something bad was going to happen but I couldn’t stop it.”

 

Claire looked at her son and then at her younger brother. “Brian, what do we need to do?”

 

“I think both John and Peter need to be examined for signs of sexual trauma. The best place to do that is at the ER. They can see if anything else has been done. They’ll notify the cops and then eliminate those males closest to the family as possible perpetrators. That includes me, I guess.” He looked at his nephew and said, “Go wake your brother up. It’s obvious that this can’t wait.”

 

While John did so, Brian thought about the logistics of how everyone was going to get to the hospital. “I’ll ride with you and the boys, Claire. Justin will drive the ‘Vette and I’ll call my friend Debbie to come stay with Gus.”

 

Claire’s eyes filled with tears. For years, she’d seen Brian as the bad guy, the one with all the money and success, the golden boy. Now she was seeing her younger brother as a man who had a family and a partner. She picked up a napkin and dabbed at her tears, finally meeting her brother’s eyes. “Thanks,” she said, not faltering over the word. “I appreciate your help.”

 

“Yeah,” Brian said, not sure he believed her or not. “I’m going to get dressed. Justin.”

 

Justin nodded and said, “I’ll call Deb and let her know what’s going on. Unless you’d rather me call Lindz.”

 

Brian shook his head and said, “Lindsay’s dealing with her own stuff right now. Besides this is family stuff. I think she’ll understand.”

 

Claire narrowed her eyes as she glanced at her brother and the young man he called his partner. Even she could see how much the two of them cared about each other even if she thought it a disgrace and an abomination in the eyes of God. She said nothing as they disappeared into the bathroom. 

 

Once away from Claire’s investigative eyes, Brian leaned against the wall and then felt Justin’s arms loop around his neck. “I love you,” he said.

 

“I know.” Not for the first time he wished he had the stones to say it back. “I—Justin, I,” he tried again and then just gave up. 

“It’s okay. Let’s get dressed and deal with this. At least, Claire’s listening and isn’t accusing you of ‘unnatural acts’.”

 

Brian nodded. He opened the door that led from the bathroom to their bedroom and saw that the boys were dressed and probably waiting downstairs. He heard the low murmur of Claire’s voice. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt and waited patiently as Justin got dressed. “You call Deb?”

 

Justin nodded and said, “She’s on her way. She was kind of sleepy when I called but she understood when I said it was family stuff and not our relationship shit.”

 

Brian felt a momentary stab of guilt but he wasn’t given time to dwell upon it because he heard the knocking on the door. Obviously Deb had made it in record time. Brian was relieved. He walked downstairs to open the loft door and was stunned to find that Deb had forgotten her wig. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen the woman without her red wig. 

 

“Hey, Deb,” Brian said and was engulfed in a hug.

 

“Hey, kiddo.” She said, releasing him and then her eyes took in Claire and her two sons. “Claire,” Debbie said cautiously.

 

Claire took in the sight of the woman and then she realized who it was. “You’re Michael’s mom, right?”

 

“Yeah, I’m Debbie Novotny. It’s nice to see you again.”

 

Not wishing to be rude but this was perhaps the least pleasurable experience Claire had ever gone through, she simply nodded. “These are my sons Peter and John Brennan.”

 

Debbie nodded and said, “Hello, boys.”

 

“Hi,” both John and Peter said.

 

Brian watched the stiff interaction and wondered what Claire would have said if Debbie had arrived in her usual regalia. He figured she’d have torn out of the loft without looking back. But now that Debbie was there he realized that he and Justin could just follow Claire and the boys to the hospital. That sent a wave of relief coursing through him. He hadn’t relished the thought of having to spend time with her in a confined space.

 

“Claire,” he said, and his sister turned her attention to him. “We should go now.”

 

Claire nodded and they said their goodbyes.

 

Once in the car, Brian flipped on the music, tuning into a heavy metal station that made Justin wince as he cranked up the volume. But he knew that Brian needed the distraction. Instead of speaking, he simply rested his hand on Brian’s thigh, knowing that the simple act would be of some small comfort to his lover.

 

They were halfway to the hospital when Brian turned down the volume and said, “You do realize that I’m actively helping my sister? This should qualify me for sainthood and several hours of the sexual acts of my choosing.”

 

“Planning on a visit to a backroom?”

 

“Smart ass. No, I meant you, you twat.” The insult was a running joke between the two men and Justin no longer felt offended by it. Now he was simply relieved that he seemed to be back in true Brian form. He always was good in a crisis, Justin remembered, excepting the time he’d spent in the hospital after Hobbs.

 

“This is the first time I’ve been in a hospital since—” Justin began and then stopped.

 

Shit. Brian hadn’t thought of that, hadn’t thought of the impact on his lover. “You can stay in the lobby if you want. I’m sorry, Justin. I didn’t even consider how this must be impacting you.”

 

“Stop. It’s okay, Brian. It didn’t even occur to me until a few minutes ago. Stop acting like Atlas because you’re not.”

 

“I love it when you compare me to mythological characters. Makes me feel immortal.”

 

“You’re not, you know. But I still love you even when you’re as stubborn as an ass.”

 

“You love my ass,” Brian said.

 

Justin grinned at him. “Yeah, I do. But I love other things about you too.” His tone turned serious as he remembered the errand they were on and desperately hoping it wasn’t a fool’s errand. “How do you think Claire’s doing with this? Really?”

 

Brian sighed as they pulled into the parking garage and he rolled down the window to take a ticket. He turned to his lover and said, “I don’t know. Claire always bottles up her emotions. She and I are a lot alike in that way. I think she is probably internalizing a lot of this and feeling like she failed her two kids. That this is her fault. But when she lets go, she really lets go. You should have seen her at Pop's wake.”

 

He pulled the car into a parking space and turned the engine off. “I hate dealing with this shit. Where the fuck is their dad, Sunshine? I never intended to participate in either of my nephew’s lives especially after that stunt John pulled. I was shocked when he apologized to me.”

 

“I know, baby.” Justin started to say more and then hesitated when he saw the look in Brian’s eyes. He was stunned to see tears form on the surface. “Brian, what is it? What’s wrong?”

 

“Just you’re the only one who can call me baby and not have me get my Irish up. You do realize that you make me do things I wouldn’t ordinarily do?”

 

Justin nodded and lifted a hand to trace his jaw. “Let’s go face the demons, Brian.”

 

Brian simply nodded, grateful that he had the support of his lover to get him through this particular trial.


	6. Complications of the Mind

Brian tensed as he walked into the hospital with Justin. It wasn’t the first time he’d been in the hospital since the incident but it still caused a slight burn in the pit of his stomach, following by the rattling of nerves. He saw his sister at the registration desk with her two sons and reluctantly left Justin’s side to go join her. A hero’s job is never done, he thought wryly.

 

He approached as the clerk looked up and asked him his relationship to the two kids. “I’m their maternal uncle,” he said, glancing at Claire. “Brian Kinney.” She nodded, handed Claire some paperwork to fill out, and then made a notation before handing the boys two medical bracelet with their names, time, date and social security numbers. Claire and the boys took a seat across the aisle from Brian and Brian sat down next to Justin.

 

“You okay?” he asked quietly. Brian looked far away, like he was lost in another time and place. For all Justin knew he was. He took Brian’s hand and waited tensely as he saw an older man look at them with a scowl on his face and then pointedly look away.

 

“I just wish the universe would stop fucking with me and mine,” Brian responded. “It’s enlightening to see Claire pulled out of self-denial but I wish it didn’t have to come at the cost of the boys.” He shook his head and looked down at stained linoleum. He hated this.

 

For the moment, LA and their own problems were forgotten in light of the trials of his nephews. His thoughts were focused on the plight of his nephews. “It’ll be okay,” Justin attempted to reassure him.

 

“I wish I had your faith, Sunshine. But I don’t and I’ve been smacked down too many times to believe in happy endings.”

 

Justin started to say, “what about us?,” but saw the bleak expression in his lover’s eyes and knew now wasn’t the time.

 

They sat there in companionable silence until Brian heard the names of his nephews called. Claire glanced back at him as she walked with the two boys into triage. It was a few minutes later that she returned and spoke directly to Brian. “They recommended that a man go in with the boys, thought they might be more comfortable with you than me. Do you mind?”

 

Brian shook his head. He’d known this would probably happen and he’d been prepared for the inevitability. “Are they okay?”

 

She shook her head and began to cry silently. “They’re a little shaken up, of course, and blame themselves. I feel like such a failure, Brian. How could I have not known this was happening to my kids?”

 

Now wasn’t the time for self-pity, he thought, but he could still feel a twinge of compassion for his sister. He took her hand and said, “Claire, it’ll be okay. The boys will be fine. They need you to be strong, not lose it.” Left unsaid was like she had done at their dad’s wake.

 

Justin watched Brian disappear into the swinging doors of the emergency section and was surprised when Claire opted to sit next to him. “I can’t believe how calm he’s been throughout this,” she said. “I’m a nervous wreck.”

Complete with hand-wringing, Justin thought as he watched her. “Want me to get you some coffee?” he asked, not quite sure how to deal with Brian’s sister. Their few encounters had led to bitter comments, accusations, and recriminations. He had no wish to cross swords with her now.

 

“I’m fine, thank you. Justin, is he always like this? So cool, calm, and rational?”

 

He smiled slightly. It was amazing and more than a little sad how little Brian’s sister knew about her own brother. “Yeah, usually,” he responded. “He lets down the emotional barrier sometimes. It’s just that he’s been taught over the years that showing emotions was a sign of weakness.”

 

“Our father’s legacy,” she said quietly. “Brian always was the child who succeeded. Great grades, good looks, success in sports, and other things.” She realized belatedly that she sounded jealous of her younger brother. But it was true that Brian had inherited all the things she lacked, including a loyal and loving partner, it seemed.

 

Justin wondered briefly if this would force a sort of uneasy détente between brother and sister. With John, Sr. out of the picture, there was certainly a lack of positive male influences in John and Peter’s lives. They could do worse than having Brian at their back but that was assuming he’d even want any further involvement. “It hasn’t all been easy, Claire. He’s gone through a lot of shit, a lot of it with me.”

 

Claire thought about that for a moment, remembered reading an article about the young man who’d survived a vicious attack at his prom, and said, “But somehow you ended up back together. Brian has you. I don’t pretend to understand my brother’s lifestyle but I’d rather see him happy than miserable. I guess you probably don’t believe that but it’s true. I don’t hate him. I’ve just spent a lot of years envious, watching him from the periphery, because he’s never allowed me to get close. I watched him get all these accolades and money and I’m sitting there struggling to feed myself and my two kids.” She paused, suddenly seeing how she must sound to Justin. It certainly wasn’t a very Christian attitude, she thought.

 

“He’s been lucky,” Justin said, reluctant to say anything more. He was never sure how much he could trust Claire and since Brian didn’t seem to trust her any farther than he could throw her, he became silent again. He wished he had a sketchpad or something but he’d forgotten to grab anything on their hasty departure from the loft. More important things had been on their mind.

Claire started to respond to his comment when they saw Brian emerge. She stood and went to meet him. “Are they okay?”

 

Brian’s face hardened as he looked at his sister. Such a stupid fucking question, he thought bitterly. Of course they aren’t okay. He wasn’t sure they’d ever be okay again. “It appears as though there was some trauma to John’s anus. It appears to have been stretched and anal intercourse was definitely involved. Claire, he’s been abused and over a period of time.”

 

Feeling another surge of guilt, Claire did what she did best. She lashed out at him. “I guess you’d know.”

 

Brian started to snap back at her and then remembered this had to be difficult for her as well. A demonstrable example of her failure as a mother; a legacy passed down by Joan. “Yes, I do know. I know that Peter’s lucky. There don’t appear to be any signs of anal intercourse. So he was lucky, Claire. I’d be more concerned about John if I were you. The kid’s been through hell and he needs his mother, not another fucking martyr to the Catholic church. Whatever you do, you need to make damn sure that it’s clear to him that you don’t see this as his fault. He’s a victim not the reason.”

 

Claire took a deep breath and looked at her brother. “Brian, I’m sorry.” The words sounded hollow even to her but she had to make the attempt. Brian was wary. His sister could be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. “I didn’t know. It’s not as if the boys ever want to talk to me. They’re always closeted up in their rooms. Can I go in now?”

 

“Yeah. The cops and CPS have been called. They’ll take a statement from you and then from the boys.”

 

“What about you?”

 

Taking a deep breath, he slowly exhaled. “If the cops want to take my statement, I’ll go downtown tomorrow. With legal counsel.”

 

It only took a moment for the implications of his comment to register with Claire and she had the grace to look apologetic. “I know you didn’t do this to them,” she said. “You haven’t had any contact with them for over a year. There is no way you could have been involved in this. I’ll make that clear to the police officers.”

 

“Justin and I are going to get out of here. He hates hospitals more than I do.”

 

She smiled and said, “You’re lucky to have him. He seems to be a great guy.”

Brian nodded. “If you need me call me on my cell phone.”

 

They were silent as they got into the car and it was only when he’d pulled out onto the main feeder road that Brian spoke quietly. “You know how I got pissed at you for saying the coach raped me when I was fourteen?”

 

“Yeah, you were furious when Miranda suggested the same thing. You insisted that it was consensual.”

 

Brian stopped at a red light, noticing an empty parking lot for a Super Foods up ahead. He cruised through the green light and then turned into the parking lot. He put the car in park, turned off the engine, and turned to Justin. “I think you were right. It didn’t matter that I was the aggressor, he was still the adult. He could have put the brakes on after I blew him but he didn’t. Instead, he played on my sexual naivete and my need for attention and used that to begin a sexual relationship with me. A relationship I later found I didn’t really want.” He began to idly rub his right wrist, and Justin reached out to gently still his motions, feeling the fine hairs on the wrist. He was surprised when Brian pulled him against him, the gear shift digging into his belly. Brian buried his nose in Justin’s hair as he held him. They sat there for a few minutes until Brian regained his composure. He pulled away and said ruefully, “God, I’m so fucked up. Why are you with me?”

 

It was an oft-asked question and Justin let the silence answer for him. He hoped that his mere presence would be enough of a comfort for Brian. As Brian eased out into the main street again, he flipped on the CD player and was surprised when he heard Frank Sinatra pouring out of the speakers. Learn something new every day, he thought. “I didn’t know you liked Ole Blue Eyes.”

 

“When you left I listened to a lot of Sinatra,” he admitted. “I had a hard time. And there’s something about his voice that is soothing. It goes without saying that you are not to breathe a word of this to the guys or I’ll tie your balls up.”

 

It made him feel better that Brian was able to tease him. Then he considered that for a moment and wondered if he was in fact teasing. Promises, promises. “I’ll file it away.”

 

Brian slanted a look in Justin’s direction and asked, “Doesn’t it bother you that I kept the reality of that experience buried and denied it for so long?”

 

He shook his head as another song began. “You needed time to accept the experience.”

 

“I’ll never have your patience. I guess I hated the thought that something like that could ever happen to me regardless of whether or not I was the instigator.”

 

“You were fourteen, Brian. Cut yourself a break. You were a horny teenager and an adult took advantage of you.”

 

“You were seventeen,” he pointed out, “and an equally horny adult took advantage of you.”

 

Intensely frustrated by the idea that Brian, on any level, still felt that way about their first time, Justin said, “I think we wore each other out that night. Our experience doesn’t compare to yours or your nephews. What we did that night and the nights following was completely consensual. You blew my world apart that night.”

 

“I think I blew a little more than your world that night,” he said with a smile. “I get your point. Our lives changed that night.”

 

He turned onto Fuller and he asked, “Do you ever think about that night?”

 

Brian was startled by the question. He nodded as he pulled into the parking place. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts and recover his composure enough to answer without feeling like a sappy fool. “Yeah, I do. I remember turning to you in the hospital and asking you what you thought about Abraham. I was so fucking relieved when you said that you liked the name Gus. It should have hit me then that you were different. That what I felt with you was different. Why do you ask?”

 

“Just because I felt like I’d seen the face of God that night. I said something to Daphne about it. I can’t believe nearly four years have passed. In October,” he pointed out that little fact.

 

“Buttering me up for an anniversary gift?” Brian asked, opening the door to the loft. He’d become accustomed to doing small things for Justin, deriving great pleasure from seeing the look of anticipation on his face. And then that smile, well that smile did things to him that he’d never imagined possible. He’d miss that smile, he realized, unaware that his expression subtly transformed as it did when he was deep in thought.

 

The first thing they noticed was that the loft was suspiciously empty. Of course, the absence of a certain redhead and a little boy could have been the first clue. “What the fuck?!” Brian asked, as Justin calmly went to the counter and picked up a piece of legal paper.

 

“Calm down. Deb left us a note. She said Mini-Me woke up and was upset. She took him home with her. She says that she has a rare day off tomorrow and one of us can pick him up in the morning.”

 

Brian felt his heart-rate settle as he heard that. Then he looked at Justin and offered a cocky smile, his intent as clear as if he were wearing a sign that read, “We can fuck now!” Brian leered at him suggestively and Justin asked, a little surprised, “You’re horny?”

 

“Always,” he quipped. “Never enough.” He gauged the expression on the blond’s face and asked, “What, you’d rather sleep?”

 

A little ashamed and more than a little irritated, Justin nodded. “I’m a little tired, “ he admitted honestly.

 

“Justin Taylor turning down sex. I can’t believe it!”

 

“Fuck you, Brian.”

 

“I was trying to,” he responded patiently. “But if you’re not in the mood—” he let his voice trail off.

 

“It’s not that. It’s just that it’s been an emotional day. I always want you, you know that. But can’t we just be close tonight?”

 

“You want cuddling?”

 

Justin knew he probably looked like a child to Brian but it wasn’t a crime to want tenderness from his lover and whether Brian admitted it or not, sometimes he was the one who needed it. So why the hell was he giving him shit for it now? “Forget it, Brian. Let’s just go to sleep.” He wasn’t quite sure where his sudden dark mood had come from but knew it wasn’t fair to blame it on Brian.

 

Cutting his eyes at the emotional blond, Brian thought he understood where he was coming from. Still it bothered him that Justin was caught up in his emotional entanglements. “Sunshine,” he began. “You can’t fix the problems of my past. You weren’t the one who caused me to have these fucking problems. I go see Miranda so she can help me to deal with them. Through her, I’m learning to become a better person and how to handle it constructively when I think I can’t.”

 

“I wish you’d come to me. I wish you’d trust me with some of those secrets and memories. I’m not going to use them against you.”

 

Brian didn’t necessarily believe that. “I need someone to talk to when you’re not around!” Startled by the force of his own emotions, he walked up the stairs to their bedroom and bodily turned Justin to face him. “You’re leaving, Justin. I’m fucked up and I won’t have you to lean on. Michael’s going through something and he’s not very supportive right now. You can’t blame me for wanting to have one safe emotional outlet, one person who isn’t secretly or openly in love with me. You view me a certain way and that casts everything we do together in a certain light. Don’t take it so goddamn personally. I don’t shut down to hurt you.”

 

“Enough emotional drama. I’m calling time,” Justin said. He looked at Brian and said deliberately, “I’m not rejecting you, Brian.”

 

“I know, drama princess. I keep thinking about what’s going to happen four weeks from now. You’re going off to have your own experiences and adventures and it’s our first separation since we got back together. And I’m not counting the break after my surgery.”

 

“A lot of people have bi-coastal relationships, Bri.”

 

“Those people aren’t us, Justin. I don’t begrudge you this opportunity. I think it’s fucking fabulous that it was offered to you at such a young age. Can you understand why this might be difficult for me?” He absolutely hated being so nakedly vulnerable with Justin but he felt that he had to say this to him.

 

“It’s not easy for me either, Brian. You think it won’t be difficult for me to walk down that runway away from you? I feel like I’m tearing my heart out, that I’m cutting each individual artery one by one. We can make this work. And no cliffs in sight.”

 

“No, kiddo, we have to make this work,” he said quietly. “The price if we don’t is too high for either of us to pay it.”

 

Justin stared at him in silence, the implications of Brian’s words coming in fast and hard. He’d never been so scared in his life, not even when he had put the trigger into Chris Hobbs’ mouth.


	7. Complications of the Mind

To a casual observer Brian might appear outwardly calm, but to Justin who knew him so well, he looked shaken. Justin did not doubt the veracity of his words as he looked at him. His lover looked tired and worn out. They’d both had a long night filled with emotional turmoil and a family crisis. “Are you okay?”

 

Brian turned to him with a bleak expression. He looked past Justin at the wall clock and uttered a curse. “Not really,” he answered. “It’s been a long night. That’s all.”

 

Not really believing that but not having the heart to press him on the matter further, he stepped towards him. Brian enfolded him in a fierce embrace that reminded him of the one they’d shared in Woody’s when Stockwell had been defeated. Brian let him go and said, “I need to e-mail Cyn and tell her I’m not coming into the office. Can you find a way to the Institute?” Though he hated to miss work, he also knew he would be a bear and difficult if he was dead on his feet. It was more a matter of sparing his employee’s the view of him as tyrant. Normally it was a role that didn’t even make him pause but today he’d be liable to take someone’s head off with a meat cleaver.

 

Justin nodded. “No problem. I’m going to drop off some prelim sketches at Michael’s. Do you want to grab lunch?”

 

“Yeah, that sounds good. Just not at the diner. I’ll meet you at the comic book store. What time is your class out?”

 

“11:30,” he responded. Then with a mischievous glance at Brian, he asked, “So is this a date?”

 

“Yeah, it’s a date,” Brian said, figuring that he’d done and said just about enough to make Justin realize that he had all the control in their relationship. 

 

Brian took in Justin’s appearance, noting that he looked as tired as he felt. Remembering the earlier offer for cuddling, Brian asked quietly, “Want to go to bed?” There was no hint of seduction in the question. The spark of desire had faded, and now didn’t seem the right time to attempt to rekindle the flame.

 

Justin reached for his hand, turned it and kissed the palm. It was an action that had a soothing effect on Brian when he was tense. He smiled slightly and let Justin lead him up to the bed. Justin helped him slip off his jeans and t-shirt and Brian slipped naked under the covers, watching as Justin undressed. He breathed a sigh of relief as Justin slid in next to him. Noting the distance between them, he inwardly smiled. “You can move closer. I won’t bite. Unless you want me to.”

 

Without a word, Justin adjusted his body position so that his head lay on Brian’s chest, the man’s good arm wrapped around him. The soft glow of the blue neon tube lights bathed them as Justin listened to Brian’s heartbeat, slowing as he drifted into sleep.

 

Morning came too rapidly as the harsh clanking of the alarm clock pulled him from slumber. Brian threw a hand up over his eyes, opened them slightly, saw the time, and muttered a fierce, “Fuck!” He gingerly dislodged a still sleeping Justin and padded downstairs to his laptop. Pulling up his e-mail account, he e-mailed Cynthia a brief, terse message explaining how he’d had a family emergency and was taking the day off.

 

Noting the time, he pinpointed the location of the portable phone and dialed Deb’s number. When the woman answered, Brian said in lieu of a standard greeting, “How’s my son?”

 

“He’s fine, Brian. Did you get my note?”

 

“Yeah, thanks. When do you want me to pick him up?” Brian asked.

 

“Whenever. I guess he has to be at daycare at 9 a.m., doesn’t he?” Deb asked as Brian pawed through the bag Lindsay had left, sure that his son’s schedule must be in there somewhere. Ah ha, he thought, as he founded the neatly printed schedule. He wasn’t the only one who was anal.

 

“Yeah. Justin’s still sleeping so I’ll leave him a note. He’s going into the Institute.” Brian paused a moment to take a breath and then exhaled, saying, “Thanks for helping out last night, Deb.”

 

“No problem, kiddo,” she responded, knowing that he was referring to his meltdown and taking care of Gus when his sister’s kids had shown up on his doorstep. “I’ll fix you something to eat.”

 

Brian smiled and said, “Thanks.” He hung up the phone to find a sleepy Justin standing at the top of the stairs with a morning woody. “Hey,” he said. Justin nodded, too exhausted to say anything. He glanced down and saw his erection, then glanced back at Brian. Brian simply smiled and then pushed the chair back as he went to join his lover.

 

“Happy to see me?”

 

“You think?” Justin said, unsurprised when Brian knelt and began to fellate him. He tilted his head back as his hands fisted in Brian’s hair. He found release within moments as Brian took every last drop, milking him dry. He sighed and looked down at Brian, remembering again just how much he loved him and it wasn’t just because he was an amazing lover. “So what’s the plan?”

 

“I drop you off at the Institute, pick up Gus, drop him off, and then I figure out what the fuck I’m going to tell the cops. Because the cops are going to call me because I’m gay and they have this skewed opinion that means I’m a pedophile. And I don’t trust Claire not to fuck me over. It would be her style to placate me and then screw me over. She’s the proverbial viper in the chicken house and I’m the cock of the house. Then you and I are going to have a long leisurely lunch followed by a long leisurely fuck and then we are going to talk about New York because we have to get the fuck out of this burg, Justin. And then I have to go pick up my kid at daycare.” Brian said, as he moved to a standing position. He glanced down at himself and then at Justin and smiled wryly. “Let’s go take a shower, kiddo.”

 

Half an hour later, Justin had been dropped off at the Institute and Brian was sitting in Debbie’s living room with Gus on his lap. “Daddy,” he whined, “I don’t want to go to daycare.”

 

Debbie fought a smile as she watched Brian in an unfamiliar role, that of caretaker, a job he’d so willingly relinquished to Lindsay. “Sonny boy, you have to. Tell you what, we’ll have ice cream sundaes tonight as dessert.”

 

“Resorting to bribery, Kinney?” Debbie asked, smothering a grin that threatened to split her face.

 

He sent her a pleading glance and her response was to shrug her shoulders. It wasn’t her job and he was surprisingly good with the kid. Debbie returned to the kitchen, piling a plate with eggs and sausage. She handed the plate to Brian who looked at it and then at her like she’d lost her mind. It was a familiar look and she returned it with one of her own. “Eat it. I made it special for you.”

 

“Deb, it’s a fucking heart attack on a plate. The doctors told me to eat healthier not actively raise my cholesterol level and my blood pressure.”

 

“Kinney,” she said patiently, “you don’t want to hurt my feelings, now do you? After everything I’ve done for you.”

 

His eyes narrowed as he realized that he’d just been manipulated. He shifted Gus off his lap and   
asked, “Can I at least have a fork?”

 

She grinned at him and handed him one. He was so predictable. “So how did last night go, really?”

 

“The boys have been sexually abused. John more severely than Peter. Claire was a nervous wreck but she was relatively calm when I left. I still find it difficult to believe that they came to me. I’m not exactly their most favorite person.”

 

“Well, your nephew is a frigging demon, Brian. You should have seen the way he treated his mom that day when we confronted him about your bracelet. Totally unapologetic like he was entitled to it. But Justin really lit into him and I gave Claire a piece of my mind.” She hesitated a moment and said, “I’m sorry to hear that the boys were molested. That’s terrible, Brian.”

 

Brian speared another forkful of eggs and said, “Good. Deb, these are really good. They’ve got an extra special kick. What is it?”

 

“Tabasco. And a healthy dose of pepper. Don’t change the subject.”

 

Neither one of them were paying much attention to Gus who figured out a new way to get his father’s attention. He began to undress with such speed that a Tasmanian devil would have nothing on him. Then he attached himself to his father’s denim-clad leg like a little barnacle. “Daddy!”

 

“What, kiddo?” Brian said, cutting into his sausage, trying hard to forget that this was perhaps the unhealthiest thing he’d had to eat in months, perhaps even years. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten like this but there was something about Debbie. It was a mortal insult to turn down her cooking and she’d been invaluable last night. He looked down at his son and began to laugh as Debbie noticed the naked child. Was there any doubt that he was a Kinney? She wondered, amused. The kid certainly shared the same propensity his father did for preferring nudity.

 

“Time to go, Daddy,” Gus insisted. Brian gave his son a glance and then looked at Debbie who was trying not to laugh at the expression on Brian’s face. Finally she just gave up and gave into a bout of belly-shaking laughter. His son could play his father so well.

 

“Let me finish eating and then we’ll go. Get dressed, sonny boy.”

 

Fifteen minutes later, he’d cleaned his plate and given Debbie the condensed version of the events of the previous night including his reconciliation with Justin. He ended it with a terse, “If you talk to Carl, let him know that I expect to have to give a statement but if he can keep my name out of it, I’d be eternally grateful.”

 

“Yeah, kiddo,” Debbie said. She’d noticed that conditions between her lover and Brian had warmed a bit. While Brian still had a relatively low opinion of cops, the two men had forged a grudging sort of respect for each other. “Take it easy.”

 

“Always,” Brian threw back as he closed the door behind him and Gus.

 

When Brian arrived at the daycare center, he was met by an administrator who immediately said, “Who are you and why are you with Gus Peterson?”

 

Instantly on his guard and not wishing to deal with this shit, Brian said, “I’m his father, Brian Kinney. His mother, Lindsay Peterson, asked me to take care of him for a few days. I’ll be by at 5:00 to pick him up.”

 

“I’m sorry but I can’t allow you to do that.”

 

Not accustomed to being told that he couldn’t do anything and resenting it, Brian narrowed his eyes at her and repeated himself, “I’m his father.”

 

“I was told by his other mother, Melanie Marcus, that Gus’s father had nothing to do with his life. That you weren’t involved.” The woman was nothing if not officious and was not in the least bit solicitous. And she had no idea that she was seriously pissing him off.

 

Brian glanced down at his son and said, “Gus, go inside. Mrs. Kincaid and I have to have a little discussion.”

 

Once Gus was in the classroom, Brian glared at the woman. “You do not tell me in front of my kid that I’m not allowed to pick him up. His mother, his biological mother, has given me permission to take care of my son.”

 

“You are not on the approved list of people who can pick up Gus Peterson,” Mrs. Kincaid said, snootily.

 

Brian felt a surge of anger and then whipped out his cell phone. He hit a speed dial button and was instantly connected with the gallery where Lindsay worked. “Lindz, its Brian. We’ve got a little problem at the Sunshine Daycare Center. Mrs. Kincaid is refusing to allow me to pick up Gus after school. Yes, I know, Lindz.” Brian handed the phone to the administrator and said, “She wants to talk to you.”

 

Mrs. Kincaid took the phone and listened for a moment, then turned to Brian with a chagrined expression on her face. She handed him the phone. “I’m sorry, sir. But you understand we have to adhere to certain security measures and since you are the non-custodial parent I couldn’t just allow you to pick up Gus.”

 

“Melanie is his non-biological mother. I’m his biological father and I pay for the outrageous tuition so my son can go here. I do not like having to deal with this bullshit. I assume that I will now be put on the approved list of people who can pick up my son.”

 

Mrs. Kincaid nodded contritely. “I am sorry, Mr. Kinney. Yes, the matter will be taken care of immediately. I apologize for the mix-up. We will see you at 5:00.”

 

Brian turned on his heel, knowing that anything he had to say further would only land him in hot water. He fucking hated people who didn’t understand the relationship he had with his own kid. He took his cell phone and dialed the number for the town house that Lindsay and Melanie shared. When his arch-nemesis answered, Brian immediately started in. “Melanie, you do not have the right to say that I cannot pick up my child.”

 

Melanie set Jenny back down in her crib and rebuttoned her blouse. She squinted her eyes and then said, “Brian, can this possibly wait? I do not have time for this.”

 

“No, it can’t wait. I have been up half the night dealing with family shit and then I go to drop my son off and am told that I can’t pick him up. Did Lindsay talk to you?”

 

“About what?” Melanie cautiously inquired. They hadn’t been talking much aside from the occasional question about post-partum recovery. Thoughts of reconciliation weren’t even on the horizon for her.

 

Being a new mother was hard enough, especially when she didn’t have Lindsay around as back-up.

 

“Custody. About the fact that I want more rights where Gus is concerned.”

 

Melanie sat down and took a deep breath before responding. “You want custody? You are the biggest whore in Pittsburgh, Kinney. No sane judge would give you custody. You give promiscuous a whole new meaning. I guess you taught Lindsay a few things about how to screw people over.”

 

“Not full custody, you cunt,” Brian hissed. “I want joint custody. He is my son. And for the record, I am in a committed relationship which is more than I can say for you at the moment. And don’t blame me for fucking up your relationship with Lindsay. I’m not the one she fucked.”

 

“Committed for the moment,” she retorted. “And last I heard nothing was formal with you and Justin. Besides, who is to say when you’ll toss him out again?” It was a low blow and she knew it but Brian Kinney could get to her like no other man alive. Then she responded to the last comment he’d made. “You do realize that she’s still in love with you. She fucked Sam because she couldn’t have you.”

 

Brian took a deep breath and said, “You know what, I think we should let our attorneys talk. Buh-bye.” He had heard the last thing Melanie said and took a brief moment to consider the comment. Was it possible that Lindsay still harbored a fantasy about them together? He wondered, unsettled by the thought.

 

Melanie sat looking at the phone in her hand and at the surprisingly empty living room. She’d never realized how empty the house would be when Lindsay left. The original artwork by Lindsay was gone, leaving only various impressionist prints that they’d picked up at galleries. She missed her with a sudden pang and then her eyes flooded with tears. Fucking asshole, she thought. I’ll be damned if I let him get custody of Gus. I’ll take his other fucking ball before I let that happen, she thought with sudden resolve.

 

Brian, on the other hand, dialed another number. When Liam Kilkully answered, Brian said, “Hey, Liam, it’s Kinney. What do you know about custodial arrangements?”

 

Brian listened a moment and then set up an appointment with Liam, including Justin. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was nearly ten. Michael would just be opening the shop, he thought, deciding that he should go visit his best friend.

 

When he reached the Red Cape, Michael had just hung the open sign. Obviously delighted to see his best friend, Michael greeted him with an enthusiastic, “Hey, Brian. What’s up?”

 

Without preamble, he said, “I’m going for joint custody of Gus. I learned yesterday that you didn’t have to give up your parental rights. When the fuck were you planning on telling me that? Why did I have to hear it from Lindsay?”

 

Stunned at the force of Brian’s ire, Michael took a step backward, nearly knocking a display cutout of Superman over. “Um, I didn’t think you’d care. After all, you barely see Gus.”

 

“I see my kid more than you think, Michael,” Brian said, his anger dangerously close to the surface, exacerbated by lack of sleep. “I pay for his daycare and some of his medical bills. I’m the one who is taking care of him while Lindsay and Melanie deal with their bullshit. Do you remember telling me that you wanted to be a better dad than I am?” Man, that one cut me deep, he thought. 

 

Michael winced at the tone and the reminder of a flippant statement he’d made. He slowly shook his head and met Brian’s blazing eyes. “I didn’t mean it, Bri. I know you’re a good dad.”

 

“Apparently not as you don’t have to sign away your rights to your daughter. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to do that?”

“I thought you didn’t care!” Michael blazed at him. “You didn’t even want him to begin with. I wanted Jenny. I know it was difficult for you.”

 

“No, Mikey, you don’t,” Brian said in a deadly calm tone of voice. “Justin is the one who woke up and found me with a bottle of Jim Beam, thinking about the role I’d play in my own son’s life. Justin was the one who kept reassuring me that I’d be a good dad. He was there for me on nights when I agonized about it. Where the fuck were you? You just thought this was one big joke that I agreed to while I was flying on E and coke. Tell me something, Mikey, did it ever occur to you that having this kid was my one chance to prove that the Kinney legacy could be good? That Jack Kinney’s evil would not spread to the next generation? That I’d be a different father than my old man?”

 

Michael slowly shook his head. He was stunned at the force of Brian’s emotions. “Brian,” he began but Brian glared at him with such ferocity that Michael cut his words off.

 

“Tell me something, Mikey. Did you know that Keller was going to offer Justin a job on the movie?”

 

“Yes,” Michael said. “I thought you’d be happy for him.”

 

Oh, the naïveté, Brian thought, feeling sorry for his best friend even as fierce anger roared through him. “You just want him gone. You are still jealous of him, Mikey. You’re Michael Novotny-Bruckner now, Mikey. You and I will never happen.”

 

“Why not?” Michael asked, and Brian just barely restrained himself from throwing another punch. He couldn’t believe his best friend was so delusional.

 

Brian took a deep breath and said, “Because I do not love you, at least not in the way I love Justin. And you have a husband. Or have you forgotten about Ben?”

 

“You don’t love Justin,” Michael scoffed. “You’re infatuated with the twink but you don’t love him. I love Ben. It’s different. What Ben and I have is real.”

 

“Don’t you dare tell me that what I feel for Justin isn’t love,” Brian nearly shouted. “You were there the night I almost lost him. You know how much pain I was in. How close to the edge I was when I thought I was going to lose him. His leaving is cutting me up inside and all you can think about is that you’ll have me all to yourself again. Michael, get a clue, you’re fucking married now. And I might as well be. In the eyes of the state, he and I are legally bound together.” Brian realized what he’d just admitted and felt the wind go out of his sails as he leaned against the counter. “Why can’t you let me be happy? Are you happier when I’m miserable? Do you really think that I’m going to turn to you for comfort? I’m not going to seek you out for comfort.” He left it unsaid that he’d done just that in previous times but he hadn’t turned to Michael when Justin had left him for the fiddler. Instead he’d turned inward because he’d known that his fair-weather friends had taken the young blond’s side over his because he was always the villain in every scenario regardless of the truth.

 

Michael looked pretty shaken up himself. Neither one of them had heard the door open during their argument, nor had they seen Justin walk inside. When they heard a throat clear, both turned to face Justin. Brian looked at his partner, then back at his best friend, or former best friend, and then said quietly, without betraying any more of his emotions, “Let’s get the fuck out of here, Sunshine.”

 

Justin tossed a portfolio onto the counter and avoided looking at a still shell-shocked Michael. He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard Brian admit to. Still he knew that he couldn’t take what Brian had said at face value. It was only when they reached the diner that Brian stopped. He turned to look at Justin and said only, “You want to make it formal?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Us, Sunshine. You and me. I’m not talking walking down the aisle. I still don’t believe in that shit but I think we need to make it known. I have dealt with enough bullshit today from my supposed friends. So can you give me a straight answer, please?”

 

Justin looked at his lover, fairly vibrating with suppressed rage, and nodded. “Yeah, Brian. I can deal with making it formal in the eyes of our friends and the state. You want to tell me why?”

 

“It’s time we stopped fucking around and dealt with what’s between us. I don’t want some fairy-tale relationship because that’s not us but what we have doesn’t come around very often. I never expected it and I’ll be damned if I lose it. Lose you. Lose whatever the hell we’re building.” Brian took a deep breath and said, “I’m still not proposing, Sunshine. But some shit happened today that reminded me of just how little respect people have for me, for our relationship.”

 

“Brian, I respect you.” Justin took a tentative step forward and embraced Brian, surprised when the older man leaned into him, as if gaining strength from him. He stroked Brian’s back and just let himself hold his lover. Oblivious to the stares they were garnering, Justin wondered just what had happened in the few hours since they’d parted.

 

Brian broke away and said quietly, “Let’s go home, kiddo. Can we take a rain check on lunch?”

 

“Yeah,” Justin said, wrapping an arm around Brian’s waist. “I’ll fix something at home for you.”

 

Brian leaned into him, and whispered quietly against his ear, “I meant what I said in there, sunshine. I meant everything I said. I don’t want you to doubt it.” He paused and said, “And I don’t mind you calling me ‘baby’, so stop fucking worrying about it. If it bothered me I’d let you know. It’s okay. Just don’t make a habit of saying it in public.”

 

Justin nodded as they began to walk back to the Corvette, wondering just what prompted Brian’s turnaround. He had never seen Brian go off on Michael like that before and was faintly surprised that the two men hadn’t come to blows. He hadn’t heard much but what he had heard shocked him.

 

He was quiet when they drove home, knowing that Brian was wondering what was wrong. Once in the loft, Justin grabbed a bottle of water as Brian hit the play button on the answering machine. When he wanted to talk about the vents of earlier that morning he would. Justin knew that yet he was still curious.

 

“Brian, it’s Claire. Call me at home.” She left her number and Brian scowled.

 

“Brian, it’s Cynthia. I cleared your schedule for the day. Call me if you need me to clear it for the rest of the week.”

 

“Brian, it’s Lindsay. You need to call me. Right away.”

 

At the last, Brian rolled his eyes and looked at Justin. “I’m so tempted to just ignore the messages and go back to sleep until I have to pick up Gus, but I’m supposed to be the adult here, right?”

 

Justin smiled at him and said, “Cynthia can wait. Lindsay sounded pissed so you should probably call her but I think you should call Claire first.”

 

Trust Justin to put the messages in terms of priority, Brian thought. He moved to his desk, sitting down, and rubbing his temples. It felt like someone was playing a bass drum in his skull. He dialed the number Claire had left on the machine and waited until he heard her nasal voice pick up. “Claire, Brian. What do you need?” He listened a moment and then sighed. “When?”

 

A brief pause and then he sighed again, saying, “Yeah, Claire, I’ll be there. I’ll be there.” 

 

When he hung up the phone, he rubbed his temples again and Justin came over to him. “What’s up with Claire?”

 

“The school is giving her shit. The cops want to talk to me and, oh yeah, she wants me to talk to her and mom. And, you’ll love this, she wants you to be there.”

Justin’s mouth dropped and Brian smiled slightly. “Close your mouth, Sunshine, I don’t intend for you to play sword swallower right now. Christ, that’s the last thing on my mind right now. And I’m always ready for sex.”

 

Justin swallowed a retort, settling for narrowing his eyes at Brian, and pouting. It didn’t work, he realized as Brian simply said, “Stop that. It doesn’t work. Hell, that look doesn’t even work for Michael.” Realizing what he’d said, Brian flushed.

 

“I’m sorry, Brian. I know how much your friendship with Michael means to you.”

 

“Not your fault. I should know by now that Michael plays saboteur when he sees that I’m happy with you. But he’s fucking married now and he should know by now that you’re not going anywhere.”

 

“Do you really believe that?” Justin said, resting his hands on Brian’s shoulders as he began to massage the tension away. “That I’m not going away.”

 

It took Brian a moment to respond. “Yeah, I do. You’re coming back. And we’re partners with whatever the fuck that entails. I know you’ll look back.” Brian knew he’d emptied the emotional floodgate and felt relieved rather than tense about the disclosure.

 

“Want to tell me what happened today to prompt all these decisions?”

 

“How much time you got?”

 

“Enough. I’m not going to like this, am I?”

 

Brian shook his head and said, “Most definitely not. I guess it started with the daycare. I went to drop Gus off and the bitch who runs the daycare center asked me who I was. When I told her I was Gus’s dad, she told me that I couldn’t pick him up because I’m not on the approved list of people who have the right to pick him up. So I had to call Lindz who is still upset with me because I want joint custody or partial visitation rights. She cleared everything up but I know that it was Smelly Mel’s idea to excise me from my son’s life. She had the balls to tell them that I had no involvement in my son’s life. I’m the one who pays the fucking tuition because those two don’t know how to save a frigging dime (so that was kind of unfair but Brian was really on a roll). Then I go to Michael’s and find out that he knew that Brett was going to offer you the job before we went on the ride and didn’t bother to give me a heads up.” He paused and looked over at Justin who had a stunned expression on his face. “I’m sure he figured that you’d wait till the last possible moment to tell me then he could swoop in and tell me that you were going to fuck me over again. God, how pathetic is that.”

 

Justin had to agree but he was still kind of surprised that Michael had known about the job offer and hadn’t mentioned it to him. It was of some small comfort to him that Brian was finally beginning to realize just how manipulative his best friend really was and how deep his dislike and jealousy of Justin still ran. “I’m sure he didn’t expect me to tell you first,” Justin said. “I wasn’t going to keep this from you. It was too important not to tell you.”

 

Brian cast a glance at him and said wryly, “You know, maybe we need to get new friends. Cause the ones we’ve got have a tendency to fuck us over. Remember the bet they made after you got out of the hospital and we had gotten back together?”

 

Justin inclined his head and said, “You’re still pissed about that, aren’t you?”

 

“Aren’t you?” Brian retorted. It made his blood simmer to think about it. “Nobody thought you and I could make it work. But we’re still standing. That’s a fucking miracle. I never expected to be in a committed relationship. Sure we’ve had our bumps and rough patches, namely the fiddler, but we’re the ones who are together. Not Melanie and Lindsay, though this thing over custody may just push the lesbians back together again to gang up on Big Bad Brian.”

 

A thought suddenly crossed Justin’s mind and he hoped that he wasn’t right and he knew he had to ask even though the likelihood of Brian getting pissed was about 100%. “You want to make sure everything’s stand-up with our domestic partnership agreement because it’ll look better to the courts if you are in a committed relationship, don’t you? You’ll have a better chance since Melanie and Lindsay are experiencing problems and Lindsay cheated on her longstanding partner.”

 

“You pissed?” Brian asked. He hoped Justin didn’t really believe that was the only motivating factor in his decision. He’d meant every word he’d said in the comic book store, every last syllable.

 

“No, I understand. But it’s going to look odd that we’re having a bicoastal relationship. I can talk to Brett and see if he can defer the offer. I don’t want to fuck up your chances of getting more time with Gus, Brian.”

 

Brian stared at him, the look intense and Justin looked away. “I’m not using you because of my kid. I want this, Justin. And the fact that we filed the DPA months ago will help us. This isn’t just about me. This is about all three of us; you, me and Gus. I made an appointment with a college friend of mine who knows about custody and parental rights. This may get ugly.”

 

“Are you prepared to lose Lindsay as a friend?”

 

Brian closed his eyes and then opened them, meeting the blue eyes he adored. “Yeah. It’ll hurt but Gus is more important. You know, Melanie told me today that the reason Lindsay fucked Sam was because she couldn’t have the person she really wanted.”

 

“And who was that?”

 

“Me. Can you believe that?”

 

Justin forced back a giggle. “Brian, Sam Auerbach is notorious for fucking anything in a skirt. He’s been married like four times and pays alimony out his ass. He’s like the straight you. And Lindsay is still in love with you. Why do you think Melanie has always seen you as such a threat? It’s because she knows that there is some small part of Lindsay that loves you more than she loves her own wife.”

 

“That’s insane,” Brian said. “How did I not see it?”

 

“Because you see Lindsay as a friend and it’s hard to face reality. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She may love Melanie but she’s still deeply in love with you.”

 

“Shit.”

 

“To put it mildly, yeah. So what else should I be prepared for?”

 

“To have our sex life examined under a microscope. To have every bad thing that has ever happened between us revealed. Our partners, how many times we had group sex, how many times we hunted together, Ethan. The prom. Every fucking thing. The fact that I have done pretty much every drug known to man and basically corrupted you. My perceived promiscuity.”

 

“You didn’t corrupt me,” Justin said. “I went after you,” he reminded his forgetful lover.

 

“Let me finish. This is going to be painful and they are going to say that I don’t have feelings for you. I’m going to have to get up on that stand and reveal things that you don’t know. Things that only Lindsay knows. But we need to hope that it doesn’t come to that, Justin. I don’t want to reveal painful stuff about her. I’m going to be depicted as a whore, a disco slut.”

 

“Are you ready for this?”

 

“No,” Brian admitted. “But Gus is my son. I hate the idea of going up there and laying myself bare. I don’t want to relive every bad thing that ever happened between us.”

 

“Then why?”

 

Brian looked at him and said, “Because you do this for blood. You do this for family. Gus is the only child I will ever have, Justin. I’m not going to lose out on his life because one of his mommies hates me.”

 

“I support you. But you know how pissed Deb is going to be at you and everyone else.”

 

“Let them be pissed at me. Gus is still my son and I’m sick of their hypocrisy, Justin. Deb uses the fact that she was a surrogate mother to me like a weapon. I’m thirty-three years old, a cancer survivor, and I’m in a committed relationship. I haven’t really tricked in several months. Lindsay and Melanie are not the only people who can be positive influences in my son’s life. I have a role there too.”

 

“What about the parental rights you signed away?”

 

“There was a clause in the contract that stipulated that I would retain my rights if they ever split up again. I’ll point out that the only reason I signed that was because Lindsay was going to break federal law by marrying Guillaume to enable him to get a green card.” He hadn’t forgotten saying that he wanted him to be raised by the two parents who loved him and loved each other but he was a different person now.

 

“Okay, I’m behind you 100%, Brian. Can we talk about something more positive now, like New York?”

 

At that, Brian smiled. “Yeah, let’s look at hotels and airplane ticket prices. I don’t want to think about any of the negative shit for a while.”

 

Since Justin concurred with that assessment, he watched as Brian logged on and pulled up his Internet browser. They spent an enjoyable hour, mock arguing over reasonable airfare and hotel prices, finally settling on the Waldorf Astoria. “This is going to be good for us, Brian. It’s just what we need. But I think we need to talk to Miranda before we go.”

 

Brian groaned. “I don’t want to go see the good doctor,” he protested. “Things are good between us.”

 

Justin arched an eyebrow at him and he sighed. “I know that you and I are going to give this bicoastal relationship our best effort but we need help. This is going to test us like nothing else has.”

“I’d say the cancer tested us,” Brian snarked. “Next you’ll be telling me that you have us booked on Dr. Phil.”

 

“Hey, I happened to like the Focus on the Family stuff he does. It’s kind of nice to see families more fucked up than ours. Brian, I know we can handle this separation but it’s still going to be hard. Especially with the monogamy thing. That can’t be easy for you.”

 

“I never said no occasional tricking,” Brian reminded him. “And I said it was something I thought we should try. It’s not locked in stone.”

 

Justin narrowed his eyes at his lover. “You backing out, Kinney?”

 

Recognizing the tone, Brian backpedaled. “No, I’m just saying that I fuck up. That we fuck up, we’re men after all. It doesn’t mean the death of us. I’m not saying that I’m going to go out looking for it, Justin, but if it happens, it happens. Same goes for you.”

 

“Okay,” Justin said, vaguely disheartened by the response. He’d rather liked the direction they were heading in and it kind of hurt to see Brian so casual about it.

 

“Hey, kid, I’m not saying that I don’t want to try. I know you want to fuck raw, to feel that connection with me. I want that to but not enough to jeopardize your life. So stop over-analyzing. We’re taking baby steps at this. One day at a time, Justin. Can you handle that with me?”

 

Justin nodded and embraced him. “Yeah, I can handle it. Sorry about the drama princess moment.”

 

“Oh, is that what that was?” Brian teased.


	8. Complications of the Mind

Michael stood there and fumed for minutes before he realized that his best friend had just given him the shaft, and not in a positive, life-affirming way. He looked down at the ring and then at the clock on the computer, sighing when he realized that his husband was still in class. It was a slow part of the day so Michael locked up the cash register and put the closed sign up on the door. One of the benefits of owning his own business was the fact that he didn’t have to answer to anyone. He also didn’t realize that he had overstepped with Brian and things would never be the same between them. Some things you just couldn’t come back from.

When he arrived at his mom’s, Debbie was dressed in a ratty old bathrobe and slippers, standard attire for a rare day off from the diner. Now that Vic was gone, she wasn’t working so many shifts. “Hey, honey. Come in. I was just watching Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Let me just put it on pause.” She noted his expression and figured it had something to do with his best friend.

“What’s wrong?” she asked when he was comfortably situated on the couch.

“Brian and I had a fight,” Michael said.

“He’ll get over it, honey. He always does. What did you two argue about?”

Michael gulped and said, “I told him that he didn’t love Justin. That what he felt for Justin wasn’t real, like what I feel for Ben. I told him that he should be grateful that Justin is going to California.”

Debbie just stared at her son in horror. She couldn’t believe he’d done that. Oh wait a minute, yes she could. She had just hoped that once he’d married Ben this adolescent shit with Brian would be done. “Michael,” she said, “that boy loves Justin. He loves Justin so much that he went through hell last night. Leave it alone. What they have is between them. It’s not a clusterfuck.”

“But Ma,” Michael protested.

“No, Michael. Brian’s entitled to a relationship of his own and doesn’t need you messing around in it. They’re partners. What he and Justin have may not fit the standard definition of partners but it is real. Don’t fuck with it.”

“I’m his best friend,” Michael began the familiar refrain.

Debbie took a deep breath and said, “Honey, you’re gonna lose him if you keep telling him that Justin’s gonna hurt him again. That boy is worried about enough right now without you adding to the agitation. If you push him too far I guarantee you won’t like the consequences.”

“He wants custody of Gus.”

That surprised Debbie so much she was momentarily speechless. Then she narrowed her eyes at her son, “Brian’s his dad, sweetheart. He has helped out the girls on so many occasions. It’s only fair that he gets to spend additional time with him. It’s even more important now when Lindsay and Melanie are experiencing problems.”

“He didn’t even want him. He got up on the ledge at the hospital the night Gus was born and asked me if I thought we could fly.”

“Michael Charles Novotny! Brian loves that kid. He’s everything that is good and innocent about Brian. Gus represents everything that Jack and Joan destroyed in him, the qualities Justin is helping him rediscover. Don’t begrudge him that. And, for Christ sake, get the fuck over it. Brian’s life is more stable right now than it ever has been. He has Justin and things are going good. Don’t butt your nose in where it doesn’t belong.”

Michael listened to his mother but he didn’t hear a word she said. He wondered how he was going to get back into his best friend’s good graces. He’d rarely seen Brian so pissed at him. Somehow he had to get his best friend to listen to him and understand that it was better for everyone if he cut things off with Justin for good.

Meanwhile, Brian dialed the number for Kinnetik. “Hey, Cyn. How are things?”

“Fine,” Cynthia responded, kicking off her Prada pumps and massaging the ball of her foot. Those damn things killed her feet but they made her calves look amazing. “You okay? You sound wiped.”

“Family shit,” Brian said, lighting a cigarette, aware of the disapproving look he was getting from Justin who was sacked out on the futon, trying futilely to get some sleep. “Do I have a busy week?”

Cynthia pulled the agenda towards her and looked at it. “Nothing that can’t be postponed. Nothing that I couldn’t handle if you needed me to,” she said, throwing a hint at her boss and friend.

“Fax me some ideas and I’ll think about it,” Brian said.

Cynthia had taken a bite from a dark chocolate candy bar and nearly choked as she heard what Brian had said. Is he actually going to allow me to pitch to clients more than once? Finally show my stuff as an ad exec? I’ve certainly learned from the master, she thought.

“Cyn, are you still there?” Brian asked, amused. “You choke on your chocolate?”

Cynthia glared at the phone, wondering idly if Brian had a mini-cam installed in the office that he could view remotely. Nothing about the man would surprise her. “Yes, I’m still here. Why don’t you go fuck something?”

Brian looked at the reclining blond and said, “Not in the mood.”

“What, it’s broken?” she retorted.

“Never baby. Just fax me your ideas and email me a presentation in PowerPoint. Call me if an emergency comes up.”

“That won’t be the only thing coming up,” she said, rolling her eyes. She knew him so well it was frightening.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” was his rejoinder.

Justin smiled at the interaction between his lover and his assistant. He knew that underneath their bickering there was a layer of respect and it was mutual. Brian knew that Cynthia had to have balls of steel to have continued to aid Brian while working for Gardner, risking her comfortable job.

“How’s my favorite blonde?” Justin asked, opening his eyes as Brian sprawled next to him, head on his chest. Justin traced Brian’s jaw with just his fingertips, happy when the man smiled up at him.

“She’s fine. Giving me shit as usual.”

“You couldn’t do without her.”

“Yeah, I know. She’s good. And Kinnetik is lucky to have her.”

“Good thing she fell out of love with you,” Justin said.

“Huh?” Brian asked, giving him an owl look. “Cynthia was in love with me?”

“God, Brian. Don’t you ever pay attention to any of the women in your life?”

“I pay attention to you.”

“Fuck you,” Justin said. “I am not a girl.” He pinched Brian’s shoulder, rewarded when the man said, “Ouch.”

“You act like a queen.”

“I have a dick, asshole.”

“Yes, I know, darling,” Brian drawled, watching as the blond’s expression changed to a fierce glare. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop fucking with you. Yes, you have a dick and I love your dick. All 8 and ½ inches of it. I love smelling you while I go down on you. So why don’t you explain what you mean about Cynthia being in love with me?”

“How can you be so oblivious?” Justin asked.

“Maybe because it just never occurred to me. Cynthia has always known I batted for the other team. She’s encouraged my liaisons. Why on earth would she fall for me?” He truly didn’t understand the way women’s minds worked which might be why he had never really clued into the fact that Lindsay still harbored intense feelings for him.

“Because you’re tall, gorgeous, successful, and rich? And you have a big cock which she’s seen on occasion. God, Brian. She adores you but she’s gotten over that.”

“Well, that’s good,” he said, relieved. Cynthia had been in love with him? Christ, what was it about him and straight women?

“Feeds your ego, doesn’t it?” Justin said, stroking his hand. “So what do you want to do until 5:00? I’m hungry.”

Brian laughed. When wasn’t he hungry? “C’mon, sonny boy. Let’s go get food. You mind if we go off-Liberty?”

“Nope,” Justin said, smiling beneficently at him.

“Don’t be so smug. It’s not a frigging date. Just two men having lunch together.”

“Um, Brian, that constitutes a date.”

“No, Justin, that constitutes a dining arrangement. There are no flowers, no candles, and no fucking violin music. There is no date.”

“Touché,” Justin said. “Okay, so it’s not a date. So am I okay wearing what I’m wearing?”

Brian cast a critical glance at his lover and sighed. Would the boy ever get fashion sense? He feared it was a lost cause. He sighed dramatically and said, “I suppose, if you must.”

“I could wear the black leather pants,” Justin teased.

“You do and I’ll end up fucking you on the bathroom floor and I don’t care if the President himself walks in on us. Let him see what he’s missing.”

“Okay, Brian, you’ve succeeded in ruining the mood by bringing that asshole into things. Let’s just go eat.”

Brian smiled and Justin realized he’d just been played by the maestro himself. Brian stopped himself from imagining Justin in those leather pants because he seriously doubted they’d make it out of the loft if he didn’t. And lunch would serve to take his mind off the other more critical matters looming on the horizon. Little did they know that trouble was not far behind them.

 

Across town, in a mid-town office, Craig Taylor closed the file he was working on and told his secretary he was going to get a bite to eat at Jean-Pierre’s, a French bistro not far from his office. He had no reservation but he was a favored patron of the establishment, having entertained clients there on occasion. His company also threw major business their way, having company dinners there.

So he was feeling pretty smug as he walked into the restaurant and saw his son and that monster he called a lover dining. Feeling his temper surge, Craig thanked the maitre d who showed him to his seat a few tables away. He watched as his son took the other man’s hand and began to seethe inwardly. Ever since the confrontation he’d had with Jennifer and the other man, he’d wanted to show him just who was more important, who had the bigger set of balls.

Justin looked up from the wine list and then gasped. Brian marked the sound and looked at his lover. “My dad’s here,” Justin croaked out as he reached for his glass of water.

“What?” Brian said. Absolutely fucking perfect, he thought. Just perfect. He let the famous Kinney icy calm begin to flow through his veins as he glanced over. Craig was dining alone, Brian noticed. Too bad he couldn’t have his little girlfriend join him.

“My dad is here,” Justin repeated.

“You want to go?” Brian asked. He’d never really been one to walk away from a fight but Craig Taylor never fought fair and he was more concerned about Justin at the moment than a pissing contest.

Justin shook his head and leaned across the table. “Kiss me,” he said.

Brian stared at him. “Your father will be over here in a flash. He’ll fucking kill me. Besides, I don’t want to make a scene. This isn’t the diner, Sunshine, and we’re in a very straight-laced part of town.”

Justin saw the sense in what Brian said but he couldn’t pretend it didn’t sting a little bit. Since when did Brian give a shit about impressions? “Okay,” he said. He set his hand on the table and Brian covered it with his own, their fingers laced against the tablecloth. 

A few tables over, Craig ordered a double scotch neat and watched his son. He couldn’t deny the intimacy of the two men; it was obvious that they were involved. The other patrons dining seemed oblivious but he’d never been so acutely aware of anything in his life. It took considerable effort for him not to storm over to the table and wondered if Kinney was experiencing the same emotions. Shit, he thought. Justin should have gone to Dartmouth. It never occurred to him that wouldn’t have changed his son’s sexual orientation. It would only have been changing the landscape.

“You okay?” Brian asked as Justin had gone rather quiet.

Justin met his concerned gaze and shook his head. “You know he won’t even know that I’m going to California unless Mom or Mol tells him. I think he’s content, denying that I even exist. I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, Brian. I know your father was a miserable bastard but mine was loving for a lot of those years. I still remember the man who took me fly-fishing in the summer and to the golf course on weekends and played catch with me in the backyard.”

“It’s okay to miss him, Justin. Just because my old man was horrible doesn’t mean you can’t still have good feelings about your dad.”

“Yeah, I have those feelings, and then I remember him telling you to get the fuck out of our house, and coming up to you and sucker-punching you. And I remember that he never once came to see me in the hospital while you paced the halls in the twilight hours before dawn. You are the one who cared and agonized over my recovery.”

“That’s what you do when you love someone,” Brian said softly, and only after he said the words did he realize what he’d just admitted.

“Brian,” Justin began, startled by the admission.

“Let it go.” Brian said. Knowing the blond had no intention of doing so, Brian shook his head. “I’m not going to recant, just don’t press it here.”

Nodding, Justin leaned forward and gave Brian a chaste peck on the lips that had Craig coming half out of his seat. Brian marked his action and met his gaze, daring the other man to do something. The loathing Brian felt for Craig Taylor was only eclipsed by the loathing he felt for his father and Chris Hobbs. “Brian,” Justin said. “Don’t.”

“I won’t start anything but I’ll fucking finish it.” Brian said. He said quietly, “You ever think your father has homoerotic fantasies?

Justin paled and looked at him. “Are you nuts? You’ll provoke him into starting something.”

“He wouldn’t dare,” Brian said, taking a sip of his scotch as they waited on their hors d’ouevres. 

Craig had heard the comment and felt himself flush with anger. How dare he?! He got out of his seat, tossing the napkin to the chair and made his way over to his son’s table.

“Justin,” he said in a tight voice. 

“Craig,” Justin returned in an equally frigid voice.

Craig scrupulously avoided looking at Brian. And Brian just waited, knowing that sooner or later the man’s emotions would cause him to slip and say something that would leave him wide open. Sneaky little bastard, wasn’t he? 

“Why are you flaunting your disgusting lifestyle here?” Craig hissed.

“It’s still a free country. There’s no amendment on the books. I’m having a lunch with my partner. That’s still permissible. I don’t have to check with you.” Justin said, infuriated by his father’s attitude.

“Partner?” Craig repeated, the color draining from his face. “You mean you two are—” he couldn’t finish the sentence, he was so appalled.

“No, we aren’t married, Craig. But we are legally bound together. Our relationship is recognized by the state,” Justin said, proud that he was able to keep his voice level and keep emotion out of it. He’d learned a few things from Brian over the years.

“Your relationship?” he repeated, aware he sounded like a parrot.

“Yes, our relationship.”

Brian just sat, calmly drinking his scotch as his lover and his nemesis talked. He was surprised that the older man hadn’t yet turned on him. He waited. Three, two, one. And then there it was; the expected explosion. “You corrupted my kid. And now you’re partners. I thought your credo was just fucking, no relationships.”

At that, Brian and Justin stared at each other, startled. Justin knew he’d never said those words to his father and Brian knew he’d never said them to him either. “Who have you been talking to, Dad?” Justin said.

“No one. I just thought all fags fucked anything that moved, that has a hole. I didn’t think Kinney here was any different. In fact, I thought he wrote the book.”

Brian clenched his fists in his lap. It was one thing when he spoke that way about himself, quite another when a man he loathed said the same thing. Not acceptable and completely out of line. “Straight men do that too, Craig. Who the fuck told you that?”

“Does it really matter, you fucking monster?”

“Yeah, it matters. It matters because I’m in love with your son, you miserable son of a bitch. It matters because I’m the one who comforts him when he cries and mourns the loss of his father. So who the fuck told you that?”

The maitre d watched the interaction between Monsieur Kinney and Monsieur Taylor with an expression of worry. It looked to be a heated conversation and it appeared that the older gentleman was the younger man’s father. 

“You are in love with my son? Last I heard you were promiscuous.”

“Dad, have you talked to Ethan Gold?” Justin asked, wondering if his ex had been in contact with his father. It was exactly the dirty trick his ex would play, feeding his father lies and misinformation about his relationship with Brian.

Brian’s eyes narrowed. Craig took a moment to answer and seeing little point in lying, nodded. “Yeah.”

“Don’t believe everything you hear.” He turned to his irate lover. “Brian, you ready to go?” Justin asked, his appetite gone.

Brian nodded, tossing a fifty down on the table to cover a meal they weren’t going to eat. “Yeah, baby,” he said. “Let’s go home.” He knew it was a childish thing to do, provoking a man so close to the edge already but at the moment Brian didn’t give a flying fuck. He’d been itching for a fight all day long, to get out his aggression and frustration. And he and Justin hadn’t even fucked. They’d simply masturbated each other to completion in the shower that morning. And he was craving his blond, like a junkie craves their next fix.

He turned his back to Craig and was unsurprised when the older man grabbed his shoulder, turning him to face him, and punched him in the nose. Brian was braced for the impact but it still hurt like a motherfucker. Jason, the maitre d who was about as French as Emmett, looked askance at the tableaux. He picked up the portable phone and dialed the nearest precinct.

“Assault, Craig. Thank you,” Brian said, smirking.

Craig paled as he realized that he’d just been played and by whom. Justin glared at his father and turned to Brian, saying, “You okay?”

“Yeah, kiddo, I’m fine. It’s not the first time my nose has been broken. It’s just been a long time.” He looked at his lover and said, “Really, Justin, I’m okay.”

“I’m not,” Justin said. He was pale and his breathing was shallow, a hand pressed to his chest. Brian stared at him, concern in the hazel depths, realizing too late what was happening as Justin collapsed.

Brian’s attention was immediately diverted from his aching and bleeding nose to the prone figure of his lover. Shit, he thought. A fucking panic attack.

Jason picked up the phone again and dialed 911 as Brian knelt down next to him, reminded of the last time he’d knelt by an unconscious Justin. Craig stood and said, “What’s wrong with him?”

“Panic attack,” Brian bit out. “Probably brought on by our argument.”

“Does he have them often?”

“No,” he said, tersely. He returned his attention to Justin, thinking that a vial of poppers would wake him up, but he didn’t have any on him. He looked around and saw a salt shaker on a nearby table. “Hand me that salt shaker.” It crossed his mind that it had been months since he’d had one; the last had been a few nights after the confrontation with Hobbs.

Craig did so and Brian unscrewed the lid and held it under Justin’s nose, hoping the salt would serve to wake him up. Justin stirred and said, “Brian.”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“What happened?”

“You had a panic attack and passed out.”

“I fainted?”

“Well, I wouldn’t put it quite that way, but yeah. You okay?”

He helped Justin to a sitting position and said, “My head hurts.”

Brian sat down next to him while Craig silently watched the interaction between the two men. “I bet,” he responded. He’d never seen this side of Brian. 

Jason approached the three men and said, “I’ve called the cops and the paramedics. Brian, is he going to be okay?”

“He had a panic attack but I think the paramedics will want to check him out anyway.”

“No hospital,” Justin said.

“No, no hospital,” Brian agreed. He turned to Jason and said, “The cops are on their way?”

As Jason nodded, Craig sat down with his head in his hands. Brian looked at him and then at Justin. He quietly said to Justin, “You want me to back off?” He wouldn’t file charges if that was what Justin wanted even though it went against the grain. The man had gotten away with so much. He’d hurt Justin way too many times.

Justin thought a moment and slowly shook his head. It hurt and he knew that he was going to have a major migraine. Already the sensitivity to light was beginning and he just wanted to go back to the loft. “No,” he whispered. “File the charges. He got away with it when I was 17. He shouldn’t get away with hurting you again, Brian.”

Craig heard what his son said and then glanced at Brian, whose concern for his son was obvious even to a mere observer. “Justin,” he started and then watched as his son’s expression went blank. He, too, remembered sitting in the living room of his old house watching as his son and wife slipped away from him. Both taken in by the charismatic monster known as Brian Kinney, he thought bitterly. Cost me my marriage and my son. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“For what?” Justin asked, finally looking at him. He leaned back against Brian.

Brian tensed, waiting for what the man had to say. Craig avoided looking at him. It was so blatant that Brian almost called him on it but knew that this particular moment was between father and son. There was no room for him in it.

Craig hesitated and asked, “Can you give us a moment?”

Are you out of your frigging mind? Brian thought. I’m not leaving you alone with him! He only thought it though and slowly shook his head. He started to respond and then Justin said quietly, “He’s my lover, Dad. Whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of Brian. It might be the only chance you get.”

Brian marveled at the strength of Justin’s words. “Okay, then,” Craig said, avoiding looking at Brian. He still remembered being accused of hating his son by the younger man. “I regret not understanding that you knew what you were and who you wanted at the age of 17. I regret plowing into the back of your jeep.” Brian tensed and Craig continued, “I regret sucker punching you. But I regret losing you, Justin. That’s what I regret most of all. I miss my son.”

“I’m still your son. It shouldn’t matter who I love. I needed you and you weren’t there for me. Brian has been. He’s been the one who fed me, educated me, and loved me.”

“He’s a pedophile,” Craig retorted. “Worse than that, he’s a pederast.”

Justin shook his head sadly. “No, he isn’t. I went after him and I was legal, Craig. That doesn’t matter now. I love him, Dad. I just wish you could see past your hatred and bigotry. He makes me happy.” He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.

Brian marked the action and silently wondered where the hell the paramedics were. At least Justin wouldn’t have to spend time in a hospital. He touched his nose and briefly wondered if the break would fix his deviated septum. He found the humor in that. He looked at Craig and the two men silently stared at each other. Both knew their emotions were too raw and to close to the surface.

The other patrons stopped and an older society woman addressed a comment to Brian. “Honey, if you need someone to tell the police what happened here, I’ll be glad to testify.” She handed him a business card with her name and phone number on it and Brian just nodded. She wasn’t the only one to do so and Craig watched, realizing that he’d just been fucked by Brian Kinney.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Pittsburgh’s finest arrived along with an overly solicitous paramedic who dressed Brian’s nose and determined it wasn’t a bad break. He sat next to Justin as they took his blood pressure and his heart-rate. Deciding that it was a panic attack, they determined that a visit to the hospital was not necessary which profoundly relieved both Brian and Justin.

The cops were another matter. When Brian told them his name, the older man snapped his notepad closed and said to his younger partner, “I’ll wait in the car. You take the statement.”

She looked apologetically at Brian and Brian smiled sardonically. “Friend of Stockwell?”

“Yeah. You want to tell me what happened here?”

“My partner and I were dining together. His father, Craig Taylor, approached our table. We had a heated discussion about my relationship with his son. When we decided to leave, I called my partner ‘baby’ and his father heard. It made him angry. He grabbed my arm, turned me around, and punched me in the nose.”

“Are you going to file charges, Mr. Kinney?”

Brian looked at Justin and said, “Yes.” 

Craig looked shaken and said, “Justin, please don’t do this.”

“What, turn my back on you? I learned it from you.”

They returned their attention to the cop and she said, “I’ll take his statement and then the DA’s office will be in touch with you to see if a court case will be necessary.”

Brian nodded. Justin looked at Brian and then at his father. He addressed the cop quietly. “It should be reported as a hate crime. He has a problem with gay people. He attacked my lover outside of Woody’s, a gay bar on Liberty Avenue three years ago, and on another occasion totaled his jeep when he was at a stoplight.”

“Is this true, Mr. Kinney?” 

Stunned by Justin’s words, Brian said, “Yes, I have the insurance records. I also have witnesses who will testify to the attack outside of Woody’s.”

“Okay, we’ll let the DA know about this,” she said.

Craig sent a venomous look Brian and Justin’s direction as the woman officer handcuffed him and read him his Miranda rights. “I won’t forget this,” he hissed as he was led out. “I no longer have a son.”

Justin leaned against Brian and whispered, “I want to go home. I don’t feel so good.”

“Yeah, baby. Let’s go home,” Brian said. He wanted to crawl underneath the covers and hibernate for a season. 

He looked apologetically at Jason and said, “I’m sorry for the disruption, Jason. I hope Jean-Pierre isn’t too angry.”

“No, he’s not angry, Brian. It’s okay. You’ve thrown enough business our way that I think he’ll forgive you just about anything and it’s not like any furniture or dishes were damaged by the altercation. Just your nose.”

Brian grinned as he turned back to Justin. “Okay, we’re going home.”

Once at home, Brian started to turn on the lights when Justin said, “Leave them off, please.”  
“Migraine?”

“Yeah,” Justin said. 

“Bad one?”

“Uh huh,” he said, slowly climbing up the stairs to the bed. He kicked off his sneakers and gingerly crawled onto the bed. He flopped onto his back and Brian stood for a moment, looking down at him. “Want me to go?”

“Uh uh.”

“Need your pain pills?”

“Yeah,” Justin said, voice weak. “Brian,” he said as the man turned to go to the bathroom.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

There was no need for him to ask what he was apologizing for. Brian figured he knew. “Not your fault. It’ll be okay.”

“Promise?”

It was at times like this that he remembered just how young he was. “Yeah, I promise. Rest now or you’ll get nauseous, and I don’t want to see you puking your guts out. Very unattractive.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he squeaked out, closing his eyes.

Brian grabbed a bottle of prescription meds from the cabinet in the bathroom and then went to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. He went back to Justin and found the younger man in an uneasy sleep. He brushed a strand of hair away from his forehead and kissed him gently. It was an expression of tenderness that few would expect from him. He set the water and the pills on the night table and quietly went to his desk. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Jennifer Taylor’s number.

When the woman answered, he said, “Hey, Jen, it’s Brian. I need to see you. Do you have time to stop by the loft?”

Jennifer Taylor glanced at the contract on her desk and then at her agenda. She didn’t have another showing until later that afternoon. “Yeah, I can stop by. Is something wrong?”

Brian barely kept himself from sighing. He was exhausted and grumpy and sexually frustrated; the combination of the three made him very surly indeed but he refused to take it out on Justin’s mother. “I’d rather talk to you in person. It’s important.”

Jennifer took her glasses off and set them down. At times like this she found herself wishing she had a nervous habit, like smoking or chewing Altoids. But her vices were relatively few and whenever her son’s partner called her, her guard went up and her radar antenna was deployed. “Okay, I can be there in twenty minutes.”

“Jen, thanks,” Brian said, glancing at the sleeping Justin. Surprisingly enough, he and Jennifer had forged a friendship in the aftermath of their reconciliation and she’d been cool about his cancer. So he respected her and he figured he owed her.

“No problem, Brian.”

He returned upstairs and gently pulled Justin’s pants off and then pulled the covers up over him. It had been a trying day for all involved. He had a sinking feeling that things were bound to get worse before they got better.

Finally, he found himself sitting at the bar, scrolling through emails that he needed to respond to and others that he immediately deleted. When he heard the tentative knock on the loft door, he closed his laptop and went to the door. Finally, a visitor he was expecting. Or so he thought. He slid the door open and saw his mother.

“Mom,” he said, silently wondering what he’d done to piss the gods off so mightily. This was rapidly turning into a nightmare of epic proportions that would only be completed by the complete decimation of him. He heard the elevator begin to make its progression up from the first floor and realized that it would be the first time that Joan Kinney and Jennifer Taylor had met face to face.

“Hello, Brian,” she said. “May I come in?”

“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?” He said, stepping aside to let her in. He didn’t bother closing the loft door. He sighed and said, “Justin has a migraine so please be quiet.”

“I didn’t come here to fight, Brian. That’s never my intention. I came to talk to you about the boys.”

“You talked to Claire.”

Joan nodded, noticing the disarray of the loft and said, “It’s messy.”

Rolling his eyes, Brian said, sarcastically, “Well, the cleaning lady is off today and I haven’t had much of a chance to sleep or clean, so pardon the mess. Why are you here, Mom?”

“To apologize and to say thank you.”

“What?” He stopped and stared at her.

“Thank you for taking charge. Claire wouldn’t have had a clue what to do. I’m just so upset about Father Padraic. I never would have expected it of him.”

“It’s always the ones we trust who betray us,” he said. Looking up, he saw Jennifer framed in the doorway.

“Hey, Jen,” he said, his tone much warmer than the one with which he’d addressed his own mother.

Joan turned and saw the forty-ish woman in the doorway. She wondered who it was and then Brian said, “Come on in. Mom just dropped by. It wasn’t an expected visit.”

“Brian, who is this?” Joan asked.

“Oh, you two haven’t met,” Brian said ironically. “Mom, this is Jennifer Taylor, my mother-in-law. Jennifer, this is Joan Kinney, my mother.”

To her credit, Jennifer’s mien didn’t betray her shock at being addressed as his mother-in-law. She could read the uneasiness in Brian’s posture and knew that he was ill pleased at having his mother there. She knew that his relationship with his family was tense; she’d just never witnessed it firsthand. “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Kinney”

“You condone this—this hedonistic lifestyle? This abomination in the eyes of God?” Joan asked.

Jennifer blinked and then said, “I love my son. As long as he’s happy, I’m happy. He and Brian are partners in a committed relationship. I’d think you’d be grateful that he found happiness. Happiness that you yourself didn’t find in your own marriage.”

It was Brian’s turn to blink. He hadn’t expected Jennifer to be quite so blunt. Joan flinched and said in a steely tone, “I can’t be happy knowing my son is sinning and is going to spend an eternity in hell. And my marriage is none of your business. Neither is my relationship with my son.”

Jennifer smiled, a slow smile that let Brian know just where Justin had gotten it from, and said, “I don’t think Brian and Justin are going to hell, Mrs. Kinney. Your relationship with your son is my business, however. It’s my business because over the years I’ve come to love him and I don’t like to see him hurting. I haven’t always liked your son but he and Justin have a good relationship.”

“And you are okay with the fact that he’s twelve years older than your son? That he corrupted your son, by seducing him into this immoral and licentious behavior.”

Jennifer laughed, a sound that startled Joan. She hadn’t thought she’d said anything amusing. “Justin was gay long before he met Brian. I thank God every day that he met Brian and not someone else. Yes, the age difference concerned me at first, but emotionally they are on the same level. They are good for each other, Mrs. Kinney. And, frankly, Justin gives Brian the love and support that he didn’t get from you and your husband.”

“How dare you presume to judge me?” Joan’s voice rose as her temper began to fray.

“I know that you accused your son of molesting his nephew without even asking him about it. You just automatically assumed that because Brian is gay that he would have done such a thing. I know that you continually tell him he’s going to hell and that you said that his bout with testicular cancer was a punishment for being gay. I know that you’ve done more damage to his psyche than can be explained away. I know that he was physically abused by your husband and that you stood by and did nothing, lost in an alcohol fueled haze. Would it surprise you to learn that he is well respected within the business community?”

“He brought down a great man who would have done much to clean up our city. To rid it of dens of iniquity and centers of sin,” Joan said, completely ignoring the other things Jennifer had said.

“That ‘great’ man covered up a murder of a young gay man, Mrs. Kinney. Brian did that at great personal cost to himself, risking financial ruin and nearly committing professional suicide. You should be proud of him, Mrs. Kinney, not ashamed. He’s your blood after all. Your baby.”

“I can’t accept this and I don’t think you should either.” Joan said, knowing that she’d made a mistake by coming here. It was as bad as talking to that awful woman Debbie Novotny, she thought. She clutched her purse tighter and said, “Goodbye, Brian. Goodbye, Mrs. Taylor.” With that, Joan made a sweeping exit that Greta Garbo would’ve been proud of.

Brian stared after her, waiting until she was out of sight to close and lock the loft door behind her. He met Jennifer’s eyes and went silent. “Brian, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to her like that.”

“Don’t apologize. I think that boat has sunk, Jen. You didn’t do anything wrong. Thank you for defending me.” 

Jennifer set her handbag down on the counter and looked at him. “Brian, you look awful.”

“Gee thanks. That’s just what I need to hear.”

“I’m sorry but you look like someone who’s been through a war zone. I just meant you don’t look like yourself. Want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Yeah. First, I’m going to attempt to get partial or joint custody of Gus. Lindsay and Melanie have split up and I don’t know if it is temporary or permanent but he needs me right now. Second, Justin and I found out last night that my nephews have been sexually abused by one of the priests at their parochial school and were up nearly all night dealing with that. Third, we ran into your ex at lunch today.”

Jennifer’s eyes had grown wide at the first two statements he’d made but she goggled at the last pronouncement. “You saw Craig?” For the first time, she noticed his nose. “Craig did that?”

Brian nodded and said, “Yeah. We kissed and it offended your ex’s delicate sensibilities. He hit me and Justin had a panic attack. Then the paramedics came and the cops. I told the cops I was pressing charges.”

“I think I need to sit,” she said and Brian hastily pulled a chair out for her. 

“I wouldn’t do it if Justin didn’t want me to but I think Craig just pushed him too far this time. He told the cops that the assault today should be treated as a hate crime and that it wasn’t the first time.” He met her eyes and asked a difficult question, “You remember when I got in that car accident?”

Jennifer nodded and said, “Yeah. Craig came home and the front end of the Lincoln Town Car was totaled.”

“Would you be willing to testify as to that?”

Taking a deep breath, Jennifer slowly nodded. “Yes, I’d be willing to testify as to that, Brian, if it comes to that.”

Brian wondered at the strength of the Taylor family and how she had bravely fenced with his mother. “Where is Justin?” she asked.

“In bed with a migraine,” he said quietly. “He got one before we left the restaurant. He fell asleep before I could get him to take his pain pills.”

“Has he been having panic attacks a lot?” 

“No, I think this one was brought on by the confrontation between me and Craig. It was pretty intense, Jen. I know how important his relationship with his father is to him. I think Justin finally realized that his father will never accept him.”

Jennifer inclined her head and said, “I take it you never lay a hand on the man.”

“No, I didn’t touch him.” He gave her an appraising look and noticed her suit for the first time. “Jil Sander?”

“Yeah, it cost me a fortune but I think it’s worth it,” she said, obviously pleased that he noticed and that he approved.

He smiled at her. “You want something to drink?”

“Just water, thanks,” she said, keeping her voice soft. She looked in the direction of the bedroom and then back at Brian. “You take care of him,” she said, wonder in her voice.

He handed her a glass of water and said, “I told him last night that I was in love with him, Jen.”

She took a sip of water and set it down on the counter. “Would you be pissed if I said it was about time?”

He chuckled. “No, I think that’s the majority opinion. I still haven’t said the words but I’ve conveyed the emotion. He knows how I feel.”

“And California? Are you okay with him going to California?”

“That’s a little tougher to answer. It bothers me, Jen. Nine months is a long time. And he’s nearly a day away so if something happened I couldn’t get to him.”

“You worry about that?”

He took a seat next to her and said, “I worry about how he’ll react when they shoot the scene where JT is getting bashed and Rage comes to rescue him. I worry that he’ll end up happier out there than he is here. Christ,” he said.

Jennifer studied him for a moment. “You really are desperately in love with him, aren’t you?”

He turned to her with a bleak expression on his face and blew out a breath, as he rested his head on his hands. “Yeah,” he whispered. “So much so it scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to lose him again.”

“Honey, you won’t. Remember our conversation the day you told me that he was your partner?”

Brian nodded and she continued. “In all the ways that matter, you’ve been protector, lover, friend, teacher, and now partner. Your relationship has evolved. You’ve let him make his own mistakes and learn from them. You’re encouraging him to have an experience that few are allowed. You are supportive and don’t make him feel guilty. You’re putting aside your own needs for him. Brian, I know my son. He has always loved you and always will. He says he’ll come back and he will.”

“How do you know?”

“A mother always knows, honey,” she said, reaching out to pat him on the arm. He covered her hand with his own and said, “I’m pathetic.”

She laughed a bit. “Then we both are, Brian. I’m going to miss him too. I’ve never been so far away from him either. It’s going to be an adjustment.”

“He told me to take care of you and Molly.”

“And you will. I believe in you, Brian. I have faith in you two, and I have faith in you as an individual.”

“Why?”

“Because,” she replied honestly, “you two share a love that transcends time and space. I realize that sounds ludicrous but you two are drawn to each other. It’s inexplicable and scary but it’s what you’ve got. It doesn’t come around often and you weren’t expecting it but somehow it found you. You’ve got to embrace it, Brian.”

“I’m scared,” he said quietly. 

“You’re human. It’s okay to be scared.”

“Not when you’re Brian Kinney.”

Jennifer felt a pang of hurt for him when she heard the quietly spoken words. She’d seen the icy composure of Joan Kinney and knew her son shared that quality in no small measure. She wondered just how badly his parents had wounded him. She started to say something and then saw his eyes. She knew then that words were the last thing he needed. She squeezed his hand and just let him be.

Brian saw her begin to say something and then stop, as understanding dawned in her soft eyes. He was tired and hurt and irritated by his own vulnerability. But he was comforted by the slight pressure of her hand squeezing his own. He took a deep breath, saying, “Thanks. Sorry about the Oprah moment.”

She was taken aback for a moment then realized that the sarcasm covered up embarrassment. She couldn’t begrudge him that. She’d witnessed his relationship with his mother firsthand. It was a miracle he was as warm as he was and at the beginning she thought she’d seen polar bears friendlier than Brian. “No problem. You need me to fix you anything to eat?”

“I kind of lost my appetite after seeing Craig but thanks for the offer.” He glanced at the clock and then back at her. “I’m watching Gus for a few days while Lindsay is dealing with her personal stuff. Do you want to stick around for dinner?”

“Thanks for the offer but I have a feeling you’d rather be alone with my son.”

He flushed as he nodded. “It’s been one drama after another the last couple of days. I wish it would all just slow down so we can stand still.”

She sympathized with him. “Call me if you need anything, Brian.”

“I think I’ve got it covered,” he said, as she began to get ready to leave. He walked her to the door and was startled when she pecked him on the cheek. “Thanks, Jen.”

She simply nodded as she hit the button for the elevator. “You’re welcome,” she said, as she pulled down the grate.

Closing the door behind him, Brian leaned against it and sighed. He returned to the bedroom, set the alarm for 4:30, and then sat down on the edge of the bed and unzipped his boots. He crawled underneath the covers, without disturbing Justin, and fell into an untroubled sleep. Justin stirred slightly, opened his eyes, saw the comforting presence of Brian and moved closer to him, and fell back asleep.

When the alarm went off at 4:30, Brian groaned and sat up. His audible groan woke Justin and he mumbled, “Wass wrong?”

“Nothing, go back to sleep. I have to go get Gus. I’ll be back in a little while.”

Justin turned onto his side, falling immediately back to sleep. Brian envied him that ability even though on occasion it had been a detriment. He ran a hand through his hair and imagined he must look a sight. So he pulled on his boots and left the loft, hitting the coffee shop around the corner. He needed a big cup of coffee and he had little desire to stop in at the diner. He’d had enough Michael for the day and he figured he’d have to deal with that issue soon enough. 

He was heading back to the ‘vette when his cell phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID display and inwardly groaned. Lindsay. “Hey, Lindz,” he said. “I’m on my way to get sonny boy now.”

“I heard you lit into Melanie. What were you thinking?”

“I was pissed, Lindz. I’m not going to apologize for it.”

He heard Lindsay take a deep breath. “So you’re serious about custody?”

“I always say what I mean,” he reminded her. “Lindz, I don’t want full custody. I wouldn’t tear him away from you. But he needs his fathers.”

Lindsay mentally slapped him and then responded coldly, “He needs his mothers, too.”

Brian switched lanes and topics. “What did you need, Lindz?”

“I may need you to co-sign for a loan for a townhouse.”

Brian groaned audibly. “No. You and Melanie may get back together and the last thing you’ll need is a mortgage. Think smaller. Like a two-bedroom apartment and then we’ll talk.”

“You’re not my husband, Brian. I don’t need your permission.”

“If you want my financial assistance, Lindsay, be reasonable. It can be something nice. Don’t go low end just because you’re pissed at me.”

“Fine,” she said, obviously irritated. “I’ll call you back. You think Jen would help me?”

“I think she may have a lot on her plate. I think she handles houses and condos, not apartments. But you can ask her. I’ve got to go, Lindz.” He severed the connection, leaving the blonde glaring at her phone.

He hated pulling rank on Lindsay but she was the same woman who had trusted Ted with their son’s college account and then been screwed out of the five grand. He trusted Theodore now but at the time he’d been bloody pissed at everyone involved. Justin had been the one to calm him down when he’d wanted to press charges. So he walked into the foyer and saw Gus playing inside. His son saw him and dropped his block as he ran through the open door to his daddy. Brian smiled and said, “Hey, kiddo. You have a good day?”

Gus stared at his father and then his lower lip crumpled as he touched the bandage on the bridge of Brian’s nose. Brian realized belatedly that his appearance was bound to upset his son. “What happened, Daddy? You got a boo-boo,” he said.

“Yeah, sonny boy. A mean man got mad at Daddy and hit him. It’s okay though. You can kiss it and make it better,” Brian said as his son pressed a delicate kiss to his nose and then his cheek. Yep, he mused, there was little that was better than spending time with his son. Gus hugged him and then said, “I’m hungry, Daddy.”

“What do you want to eat?” Brian asked.

“Cheeseburger and chocolate shake.”

“Diner?” Brian asked, surprised and relieved in turns when his son shook his head.

“McDonald’s.”

Brian refrained from groaning and simply said, “Okay.” So it was a heart attack in a bag but Justin was in no condition to cook and his stomach reminded him that he hadn’t eaten since 8 that morning. 

A little over an hour later, father and son arrived back at the loft. Brian noted the police car at the curb and figured that it was for him. “Daddy, why the cops here?”

“Um, because of the mean man that hit Daddy,” Brian said, figuring it was the lesser of the two evils and easier for a four-year-old mind to comprehend. 

Ten minutes later, Brian was being grilled by two of Pittsburgh’s finest. Finally fed up with the questions and their obviously homophobic attitude, Brian said, “Do I need legal counsel?”  
The two cops looked at each other and then said, “No. We’re not arresting you. We are investigating the claim by the minors John and Peter Brennan. It’s just that your name popped up in connection with an earlier allegation of sexual abuse, involving John Brennan.”

“Charges were never filed and the allegation was false.”

“We know that, Mr. Kinney, but we have to explore all possible angles. We are also aware of the incident at Jean-Pierre’s restaurant earlier this afternoon.”

“The two are unrelated.” Brian snapped at them.

Recognizing that the interview had come to an end, one of the cops said, “If we have any further questions we’ll let you know.”

Brian nodded and escorted them to the door. Now Justin wasn’t the only one with a headache. He walked up the stairs and looked at the blond and his son. Gus had curled up next to him, a thumb in his mouth, and Brian feared future orthodontic bills, but the picture was cute and he almost wished that Justin had the opportunity to sketch it. Then an idea struck him and he retrieved his digital camera taking a picture of the two. He scanned it into his laptop and then printed it out, knowing that Justin could sketch it from the print.

It was around eight o’clock when he finally heard movement from the bedroom. He was deep into a chapter of Reading Lolita in Tehran when he heard Justin pad downstairs. He turned to look at him and said in a low voice, “You feeling any better?”

Justin nodded, blinking sleepily, and asked, “You okay?”

“I’ve had better days. This has been a rough 36 hours. I’m exhausted.” Brian handed him the picture of him and Gus and watched as Justin’s face was transformed with a glorious smile.

“That’s cute,” he said.

“I think it’ll go on my desk at Kinnetik.” My two sonny boys, he thought.

Justin hesitated a moment and then posed a question, “We going to talk about today?”

Though Brian was fully aware of what he was really asking about, he chose not to open the topic up for discussion, opting for a lesser answer. “Eventually. Just not now. I’m too wiped. I just want to sleep twelve hours. The cops left a few hours ago.”

“Were they here about the boys or my dad?”

“Both. They are exploring all avenues. I guess it doesn’t matter that Peter and John can name the man who molested them. But they actually weren’t absolute assholes about it. They listened to me and didn’t jump to any conclusions. Did I tell you that we have a meeting in two days with Liam Kilkully?”

Justin nodded. “I need to give my notice at the diner.”

Brian paused to look at him and said, “Your mom was here earlier too. She and Joan met each other.”

Justin’s jaw dropped. “Close your mouth, alligator,” Brian said, laughing at his expression. “Jennifer really gave my mom what-for. I see where you get it, Sunshine. I told her about the incident with Craig and she’s willing to testify about the car being damaged. I’m sure she has insurance reports. Craig may be in more trouble if he filed a fraudulent claim for damages.”

Justin frowned and Brian noticed the expression. “What’s wrong?”

“Just thinking about all the court costs, Brian. And my leaving just seems like it’s the wrong time.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t obfuscate the issue. You made a commitment, Justin, even if you haven’t signed a contract yet. Everything will be okay and you’ll fly back if I need you too. We don’t even know yet what’s going to happen with your dad. The DA’s office may decide not to prosecute. After all, your dad is a scion of an influential banking family and he is influential in his own right. And we’re just two fags.”

Justin heard what Brian said and thought about it. “I’d like to see my father pay for emotional distress, Brian. I’m behind you one hundred percent.”

“Something’s bothering you, though. What is it?”

Justin moved towards him and said, “What if it wasn’t Ethan that talked to my dad? What if someone like Kip contacted my dad?”

“How’d he even know, Justin? Kip didn’t even know your name, right?”

“No, I didn’t tell him my name. I’m not that stupid. Blond hair does not equal stupidity. Something just seems off.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Brian said, though Justin’s fears laid the groundwork for his own concerns. “We could file a civil suit instead of a criminal case if you don’t want to see your dad go down for a hate crime.”

“No,” Justin said, meeting his eyes. “I’m okay, Brian. He stopped being my dad a long time ago when he told me that he couldn’t accept who I was. It’s just so much happened today that it’s colliding in my skull.” 

“I know what you mean. I didn’t expect to have a showdown with your dad.”

“You handled it well, Brian. I know you would have liked to have hauled off and hit him but you didn’t.”

“Violence never solves anything. It just obscures the issue,” Brian said.

“Yeah, I know. Violence often covers up what is really going on underneath the surface.” He looked at his lover and put a hand on his arm. “You ready to go to bed?”

Brian set down the book and smiled wryly. “We are officially becoming boring, Justin.”

“I know but we’re still more interesting than most. Come on, we’ll be dead on our feet tomorrow if we don’t get some sleep.”

Brian allowed his lover to lead him to bed.


	9. Complications of the Mind

Brian’s internal timer woke him around dawn and he sat up in bed, trying to remember desperately when his life became so fucked up. Oh yeah, it’s always been that way, he thought. How could I fucking forget? Just once he wished the powers that be would cut him and his a frigging break. He reached for the pack of cigarettes on the night table and lit one, face lit only by the orange glow. He’d turned off the blue lights because Gus claimed he couldn’t sleep with them on and Brian didn’t wish to deal with a tantrum. Simply easier to acquiesce and, as he reflected, he realized he’d been doing a lot of that later. Saying and doing things that were completely out of character and he wondered just what it was that was driving him. Sure, he was upset about the possibility of losing Justin but he was also happy for him and proud of him. But there was a part of him, a part he didn’t like to acknowledge that was worried that Justin would leave and wouldn’t come back. That he’d be left alone, at sea, lost and adrift. After the fiddler, he’d vowed that he’d never lose Justin again. He intended on keeping that vow.

 

As if he could sense the inner turmoil of Brian, Justin turned to him and whispered quietly so that he wouldn’t awaken the sleeping Gus, “What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing. Go back to sleep,” Brian said. Nothing could be further from the truth. He didn’t like lying to Justin but he also knew that he couldn’t deal with another emotional encounter. He hated what was happening to him, to them. And he couldn’t seem to stop it anymore than a conductor could stop a train on a collision course with another train.

 

“Brian,” Justin’s whisper was urgent. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

 

Brian took another drag from the cigarette, ignoring the fact that Lindsay would kill him not only for smoking in bed but also for exposing Gus to secondhand smoke, and handed it off to Justin. Justin took a drag and handed it back to Brian. They’d both cut down, a feat that had been greatly aided by the fact that Brian feared the recurrence of his cancer with a paranoia verging on mania. He handed the pack to Justin and said, “I feel like I’m losing myself.”

 

Justin looked at him and said, “Bathroom, now.”

 

Brian stared at him and then simply nodded. They slipped from bed and Brian faced the mirror with Justin standing behind him, arms loosely looped around him. “You are still Brian fucking Kinney. You are still a sex god. Nothing has changed.”

 

“Bullshit. I’m a family man. I’m in a committed relationship for all intents and purposes. I’m thirty-three, the same age Jesus was when he died. And I’m contemplating monogamy. Justin, I don’t know who I am anymore.”

 

Justin stared at him, knowing now wasn’t the time for teasing. “I haven’t been pushing for monogamy,” he reminded Brian. “It never even occurred to me. I know that you don’t see tricking as infidelity, especially not when you come home to me. I don’t even see it that way, anymore. I’m content with where we are now, Brian.”

 

“So you’d be happy if we ripped up the partnership agreement?” Brian asked, having no intention of doing such a thing but needing to ask the question for some inexplicable reason that he couldn’t rationalize.

 

For a second, Justin forgot to breathe. He sank down to the floor of the bathroom, and put his hands over his eyes. His slender shoulders began to shake and Brian felt sick. He sat down next to him. “Hey, no tears. Okay?”

 

“You’d really do that?”

 

Brian shook his head. “No. Even I’m not that cruel.”

 

“That was really mean, Brian. Even for you, that was mean.” Justin wiped his eyes, glaring at Brian, and stood up. “Asshole.”

 

“I just needed to make sure that we’re on the same page,” Brian said. He held out his hand and Justin helped him up. 

 

“There are easier ways of doing that, you know. Like asking me instead of gutting me like a trout, Brian. I thought we agreed to no more cliffs. That we’d talk things out when we got wigged about something.”

 

“Did I agree to that?” he asked, then seeing the look in Justin’s eyes hastened to add, “Okay, okay. Don’t queen out on me. I just started thinking about everything.”

 

“What have we said about thinking?”

 

“Highly overrated,” Brian responded, smiling. His tone turned more serious as he said, “I wouldn’t have done that, Justin. I’m just doing things I never thought I’d do.”

 

“Like being romantic?”

 

“Like admitting how I felt to you.”

 

“I know how you feel about me, Brian. It’s not about that. If all this is too much, too soon, we can do baby-steps. It’s a lot to decide right before I’m leaving.”

 

Amused and baffled and somewhat resentful, Brian shook his head, “It’s not too soon. We’ve been together off and on for so long that it’s ridiculous. I got pissed at Michael because he said that what we have isn’t as real as what he and Ben share.”

 

“He said that?”

 

Brian had thought he’d heard everything that had been said in the comic book store but as Justin voiced the question, he realized that the younger man hadn’t. “I thought you heard everything, Sunshine.” It occurred to him that this was an odd place for them to be having this conversation but they weren’t alone in the loft and couldn’t resort to usual methods. Not for the first time, Brian wondered about buying the loft below him and renovating it so that Gus would have a room. He didn’t have the money now because so much was sunk into Kinnetik and wasn’t liquid but he’d been thinking about it a lot lately. Of course, he hadn’t discussed it with Justin. He wasn’t sure how he’d feel. Hell, he wasn’t entirely sure how he felt. Seemed like a scary step into permanency, an area he wasn’t sure he was ready to explore. 

 

“No, I didn’t hear everything, Brian.” And he hadn’t. He had noticed that the comic book store had been empty when he’d come in and that their conversation had been heated. He’d rarely seen Brian so pissed at Michael, not since the fateful anniversary party.

 

“I told him I thought he still wanted me and that it would never happen.”

 

Justin gave him a raised eyebrow and Brian shrugged. “I don’t know. Give the guy a ring and he still doesn’t get it. Pay for his reception and he still doesn’t get it.”

 

“Maybe you should have fucked him,” Justin said quietly.

 

“I offered. Once,” Brian admitted. “He turned me down cold because he knows our friendship would never be the same. There probably would be no friendship because it would be too awkward.” Not that he was sure there was much of a friendship now if Michael still had unresolved feelings for him.

 

“This thing with Gus could cost you his friendship too, Brian. He wanted Jenny so bad and he’s got a bond with Melanie now too like you have with Lindsay. He may be your friend but that tide could change.”

 

“You telling me that you think Mikey would fuck me over in court, if it comes to that?”

 

“You honestly telling me that you don’t worry about that possibility? Come on, Brian, you’re not naïve. You know how far he’s gone to keep us apart. And he knows shit about you that nobody else does. Who is to say what he might do?”

 

“Michael wouldn’t do that,” Brian said, but even he wasn’t sure of that. He’d once thought that Michael’s loyalty was inviolable but now he wasn’t so sure. All he knew was that Justin hadn’t fucked him over once (at least not intentionally) in the eleven months that they’d been back together. And Michael had used the knowledge of Justin knowing about Brian’s cancer to drive a wedge between them. Of course, it hadn’t taken much effort on his part. The more Brian thought about it, the more he wondered if Justin was right.

 

“What you thinking about?”

 

“Loyalty and betrayal. Lovers and friends,” Brian answered with an enigmatic smile. “Let’s go back to bed.”

 

In a rare role reversal, it was Justin who rose first. He awakened before the alarm clock at 7:00 a.m. He gently shook Gus awake, pressing a finger to the little boy’s lips when he started to wail a protest at being awakened. “Ssh, Daddy’s sleeping. Want to help me with breakfast?”  
Gus nodded and took Justin’s hand as they crept down the stairs. “Daddy needs to sleep,” Justin explained quietly.

 

With a preternatural maturity, Gus soberly nodded. Justin put him on one of the bar stools and poured him a cup of milk. Gus sipped it and Justin watched to make sure he didn’t spill it. He opened one of the cupboards and scanned the contents. He finally pulled out a packet of pancake mix and found the griddle. Gus’s eyes lit up as he squealed, “Pancakes!”

 

“Ssh,” Justin said. “Yes, we’re having pancakes.” He looked at the small boy, so rumpled from sleep, and was reminded of Brian. The child shared his father’s propensity for bad bed hair, complete with an unruly cowlick. He pulled out the eggs, vegetable oil (which was actually being used in the manner intended on the label for once), and the 1% milk. He saw Brian shift in his sleep and held his breath but the other man fell back to sleep. 

 

“Can I help stir?” Gus asked and Justin nodded. 

 

“Not at that point yet, kiddo. But you can help.”

 

“Justin,” Gus asked, staring at the young blond. “How come Daddy doesn’t tell you he loves you? Mommy and Mama said it until Mommy went away.”

 

“Um, Gus,” Justin began, not sure how to answer the prickly question. Why wasn’t Brian awake when he really needed him? Crash course in Parenting 101, he thought. At least it wasn’t the birds and the bees’ question. He thought about that one for a moment and realized that was a topic better left to Lindsay than Brian. Who knew what Brian might tell the boy? Though, on second thought. Uh, no.

 

“Well, Justin?”

 

Okay, the boy had his father’s solemn demeanor and his mother’s natural tendency to push. “Sometimes an action means more than a word, Gus,” Justin finally settled on that response, thinking he’d gotten over the rough part. He’d learned that rather painful lesson. Unfortunately, Justin had forgotten that kids say the darndest things.

 

“Daddy loves you, right?” Gus asked.

 

Justin hesitated. “I think so,” he said. He wondered for a moment what Brian’s answer would be if Gus had posed the question to him.

 

Playing possum in bed, Brian heard every word of the conversation and noted Justin’s hesitant non-response. Wondering if he should go rescue the blond, he heard Gus scramble down off the chair and heard Justin’s hissed, “Gus, no!” a second before his son jumped onto him.

 

“Daddy!” Gus said.

 

“Grr,” Brian mock-growled to Gus’s delight and Justin’s trepidation. He never responded quite so well when Justin woke him up unless it was with his mouth on his cock. But then again, Justin felt the same way about Brian. He opened his eyes and noted that he’d awakened before the alarm. Surprise, surprise. “Hey, sonny boy. What are we having for breakfast?”

 

“Pancakes,” Gus said and then looked seriously at his father. “Do you love Justin?”

 

Brian glanced at Justin and saw the younger man avert his eyes. He knew that Justin didn’t doubt the intensity of his feelings but it was the first time his kid had actually asked him point blank. “Um, that’s a very grown-up question, Gus,” Brian said, having decided long ago that he wasn’t going to engage in baby talk with his son. Too demeaning and not at all healthy. He wished he could convince Lindsay of that fact. “I care a great deal about him.”

 

“That’s not an answer, Daddy,” Gus said, employing a pout that always worked wonders on his mommies. He wanted to see just how well his daddy would respond to it. He didn’t have to wait long. Not at all.

 

“I’ll explain when you’re older, Gus. Okay?”

 

Gus sighed and hugged his daddy. “Okay,” he said. “Daddy, you need a shower. You ‘tink,” Gus pointed out. Both Justin and Brian began to laugh. They exchanged glances and realized that Gus shared his father’s bluntness.

 

“Okay, sonny boy. Daddy’ll go take a shower while you and Justin finish making breakfast.”

 

Justin’s eyes narrowed at that toss away comment and wondered if he’d been lying in bed listening to their conversation. He figured it was just the type of thing Brian would have done. Devious devil.

 

“Come on, Gus. Let’s make breakfast and then we have to get you ready for school.” Justin looked back as Brian slipped out of bed and padded into the bathroom. 

 

Gus followed obediently behind Justin, wondering just why his daddy hadn’t answered the question. He thought his daddy loved his Justin but he didn’t understand why his daddy wouldn’t just say it. Sometimes adults were silly, he thought, as he was lifted back onto the chair. Justin handed him a wooden spoon and set the bowl on the counter so Gus could stir the batter. When all the clumps were broken up, Justin took it back and poured some on the heated griddle.

 

Ten minutes later, Brian emerged from the shower, dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans, with the top button undone. Justin inhaled at the sight of him, wanting to eat him. “Hey, we made you a pancake.”

 

“Trying to get me fat,” Brian protested but he took the plate. After all, it was probably a good deal safer than the fare he’d have gotten at the diner.

 

He sat down next to his son and Gus poured a liberal amount of syrup on his pancake which made his father wince. When they were entirely drenched and soggy, Brian said, “That’s enough, Gus. You’ll be a diabetic before you’re five if you keep eating like that. Christ, and your mommies tell me I spoil you.”

 

“What’s a dia--, Daddy?” Gus asked, mouth full of pancake. A line of syrup dripped down his chin and Brian reached for a napkin to wipe it away. Kids, he thought.

 

“It’s someone who has problems with sugar, Gus. It can make your body hurt, make you real sick.”

 

Justin smiled at the simplified explanation of the disease. He always enjoyed seeing Brian as daddy. As much as he hoped it wouldn’t end up in court, he knew that spending time with his son and being a parental figure would be good for Brian. And give Lindsay a break. He hoped that Lindsay and Melanie would patch things up and he also hoped that Lindsay would figure out just who or what it was she wanted. 

 

At Kinnetik, Cynthia was somewhat relieved that her boss was not there yet. She’d rarely heard him sound as tired as he had the previous day, but she remembered times he’d stumbled in looking like shit after a night of tweaking and fucking. She was somewhat startled to find the woman standing outside the office door. It took her a moment to recognize her and then it clicked for her. Brian’s sister, she thought. Claire. Not always a welcome visitor and Cynthia had vivid memories of the last time one of Brian’s “family” members had dropped by. 

 

“Claire,” she said. “Can I help you?”

 

“You're Brian’s assistant right?”

 

“Creative director,” Cynthia said. Then she added, “Basically his glorified assistant. He’s not here. Do you want me to tell him you stopped by?”

 

The other woman shook her head and Cynthia noticed for the first time just how tired she looked. There was a family resemblance although it was clear that Brian had gotten all the looks. “Want a cup of coffee?” Cynthia offered.

 

“No,” Claire said. “I made a mistake in coming here.”

 

“Claire, you can try the loft.”

 

Claire nodded and then began to walk away as Cynthia watched her leave. She watched her turn a corner and then dialed her boss’s home number. It was an in-case of emergency number but she figured this qualified as one and she had no desire to have him ream her out for an unintentional lapse in judgment. So she was relieved when Brian answered with little of his usual snarkiness but a lot of fatigue.

 

“Cyn, what’s up?’ Brian asked, as he watched Justin hand his son another pancake.

 

“Your sister was just here, boss. I offered to make her a cup of coffee and she said that she’d made a mistake by coming here. I told her that I thought you were at the loft. You’re not pissed, are you?”

 

Brian took a deep breath and then said, “No, Cyn, I’m not pissed. So I guess I should be expecting a visit from Linda Blair herself. Thanks for the warning. I should be in tomorrow. Did you ever send me those pitch proposals?”

 

Cynthia sat down at her desk and rolled her eyes upward. Sometimes she would love to throttle him. “On their way, boss. By the way, Marvin Telson called yesterday wanting to switch ad agencies.”

 

Huh? Brian remembered the older man and how he’d so callously disregarded his daughter’s injury until Brian had pointed it out. The older man’s priorities had definitely been fucked that night and he’d definitely wanted to fuck Brian. “Set up an appointment. My terms. No hotels. In Kinnetik with you.”

 

“You want to tell me why you didn’t land the account when we were with Ryder?” Cynthia asked, the question having bothered her for years. Along with the fact that she’d been counting on a percentage of Brian’s bonus.

 

Brian remembered feeling that he’d be able to pay the loft off if he came across and didn’t like himself much. It was one thing he’d never done. “It’s a long story. One I’ll tell you about later. Thanks for the update.”

 

Understanding that she was being summarily dismissed, Cynthia glared at the phone and said, “Call me when you know what your week is going to look like and tell Justin I said hello.”

 

“Yeah,” he said brusquely, severing the connection.

 

Justin looked at him and said, “What’s up?”

 

“Marvin Telson wants to meet. Claire stopped by the office and I’m letting Cynthia make a pitch.” He took a breath and said, “Do we have any Advil?”

 

“Headache,” Justin asked, concern evident.

 

“Yeah, Clara Barton. Is it in the medicine cabinet?”

 

Justin nodded as he looked at Gus. “How you doing buddy?”

 

“Full,” Gus said and then burped, looking sheepishly at his daddy who just grinned at him.

 

Definitely his father’s son, Justin thought. Brian disappeared into the bathroom and he scooped Gus up. Ten minutes later, Gus was dressed and Justin was tired. It was hard handling a four-year-old. Even harder when that four-year-old had Kinney blood. He dressed in a pair of cargo pants, forgoing a shower for the moment, and a FCUK t-shirt. The t-shirt clung to him like a second skin and Brian inhaled when he emerged from the bathroom, having undertaken his morning ablutions.

 

Justin marked the look and gave Brian a long considering look before saying, “You want me to take mini-me to school?”

 

Brian slowly shook his head and said, “No, if the dragon lady gave me shit yesterday she’s bound to have a conniption fit if my lover drops my kid off. I hate to leave you here to face Claire but just keep her away from the alcohol and the valuables.”

 

Justin glared at him and Brian knew that he was going to owe the blond big for handling his sister. Brian had donned a charcoal shirt, which cost $300, and his Diesel jeans. He looked positively yummy but then that was nothing new. “Fine,” Justin said. “I’ve got an art project to work on.”

 

Brian smiled, knowing that the blond’s mood was easily remedied. “I’ll owe you,” he wound up saying.

 

Justin simply nodded. Yes, he would. He was still pissed at Claire for striking Brian. “Bye Gus.”

 

“Bye, Justin,” Gus said, as his father took him by the hand as they left the loft.

 

Justin was in the middle of a rendering of Brian’s profile when he heard the knock on the door. He figured that the security system was on the blink again because nobody had hit the buzzer to be buzzed up. He set down the grease pencil and walked over to the door. He slid it open, expecting Claire, and was stunned to find his father at the door.

 

“Dad,” Justin said, shock overtaking him for a moment. “What the hell are you doing here?”

 

“I can’t visit my son?” Craig asked. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

 

“I don’t think so,” Justin said, hardly believing his father’s audacity. “I’ll ask again what are you doing here?”

 

“I wanted to talk to Kinney and see if I can get him to forget this foolishness. It wasn’t a hate crime, Justin.”

 

Justin took a deep breath, one hand balling into a fist. The hell it wasn’t. He was tired, grumpy, sexually frustrated, and pissed off. Not a great combination in anyone. “Brian’s not the one who said it should be classified as a hate crime, Dad. I did. I haven’t forgotten you kicking the shit out of him. His ribs were bruised for weeks. And he had whiplash from the car accident. You should learn that you don’t fuck with faggots, Dad.”

 

Craig stared at him, realizing that he no longer knew the person standing in front of him. He noticed for the first time the pendant around Justin’s neck and asked, “He give you that?”

 

Justin fingered the pendant, remembering the moment Brian had first given it to him, after they’d reconciled. “Yeah, he did.”

 

“So you’re his kept man?” Craig asked. He couldn’t believe his son was living with someone so much older than him and horrified that he’d chosen Brian over his own family.

 

Justin laughed at the sheer naïveté of the question. He shook his head as Craig wondered if he’d said something amusing. “No, we’re equal partners. I make my own way and contribute.” He took a moment to pause and then said, “We’re not going to drop the charges. If that’s why you came then you should just leave.”

 

“So you speak for him now?”

 

“I always have.”

 

Justin slid the loft door closed on Craig’s shocked countenance and slid the bolt home, leaning against the door until he heard his father’s footsteps fade away. He slumped to the ground and began to cry. He needed Brian. And going to California for the movie seemed like such a dream when faced with the reality of life in Pittsburgh. A luxury, an escape.

 

He pulled himself together and returned to the easel, picking up the pencil and beginning to sketch the curvature of Brian’s body. He always had been his favorite subject and still was. There were others who had better bodies but Brian was Brian. He was deep into his mode when he heard the knock on the door. Setting the pencil down with a muffled curse, Justin again went to the door, ruing the fact that the security system was not working. He’d have to ask Brian to say something to the owners of the building.

 

He opened the door and found Claire standing there. He stepped aside and said, “Come in, Claire.”

 

Since the younger man betrayed no shock at finding her at the door, Claire stared at him and said, “I guess Brian’s assistant told you that I stopped by Kinnetik.”

 

Justin nodded and said, “He took his son to daycare and he’ll be back. You want me to make you some coffee?”

 

Claire shook her head and said quietly and in a tone marked with sadness, “You and Brian must really hate me. You must think I’m a villain and a failure as a mother.”

 

Brian, you’re going to owe me so big for this. I’m not up to soothing your sister’s insecurities and my patience is not bottomless. He said nothing of his thoughts and said only, “I don’t know you well enough to hate you. And what’s happened to your sons is terrible, Claire.”

 

“It’s all my fault.” Claire said, her nose red from crying and her eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep.

 

Looking at her, Justin doubted that he and Brian looked much better. “Where are the boys?” he asked.

 

“Home.”

 

“Alone?” he queried. It was like trying to get blood from a stone, he thought, realizing that Brian and Claire shared that. Brian had always been like a cipher and he hadn’t thought that Brian shared that quality with his sister.

 

“No, they are with my mother.”

 

“That’s just fucking wonderful, Claire.”

 

Both turned at the booming voice to see Brian standing in the doorway, looking magnificent in his fury. He stormed inside and said, “You should have brought them here with you.”

 

“Don’t you have a business to run?” she snapped. “I didn’t think you wanted anything to do with my ‘demon spawn’ sons, Brian. And Mom is just sick about everything.”

 

“I’ll bet,” he said. “Claire, the last place in the world they need to be is with Saint Joan. You know that mom is an alcoholic. And what if Father Padraic stops by and Mom’s passed out?”

 

The color drained from Claire’s face. Clearly the possibility hadn’t occurred to her and Brian wondered again why he was the one who thought in this family. “I didn’t—I didn’t think about that,” she said.

 

“The boys are going to stay here for a few days, Claire,” Brian said, making an executive decision. “You need some time to sort through what you are going to do and I think it’ll do them some good to have a safe haven.”

 

“Exposing them to your lifestyle is not safe,” she hissed. “It’s what got them into this mess in the first place.”

 

Brian hadn’t struck his sister in over twenty years but in that moment he came closer than he’d intended. It was only Justin’s quietly muttered, “No,” that stayed the blow. And from the look in Claire’s eyes, he knew that she knew just how close she’d come to being knocked flat on her ass.

 

“Most pedophiles are straight men, Claire. John and Peter came to me for help. They trusted me, not you. They can have the bed and we’ll figure out what to do.” Brian’s look stopped Claire’s inevitable protest cold. “It’s not a question, Claire. So you’re going to scurry home, pry the sherry bottle from Mom’s hands, and bring the boys back here. Make sure they have clothes and their books and whatever else they need.”

 

Justin stared at him; the take charge Brian was back in full force. Claire started to protest and then said, “Okay, Brian. You know best.”

 

In that moment, both men realized that she’d been backed into a corner and had caved. She grabbed her handbag and said, “They’ll be here around 10. Is that okay?”

 

Brian nodded; it gave him and Justin time to talk or whatever and to put the loft back to rights. Gus was safely at school so he didn’t have to worry about that and he’d already talked to the cops. It was only when Claire left that he turned to Justin and saw the expression in his partner’s eyes. Uh oh, he thought, figuring he was about to be witness to one of the blond’s famous tirades.

 

He was stunned when Justin took his hand and led him upstairs. Justin slowly undressed him and Brian’s eyes went dark. Justin looked down at him, the hazel eyes nearly black, and kissed him, tip of his tongue tracing his lips. Brian inhaled and pulled the blond down to him. He said, in a voice gone hoarse with desire, “I want you to fuck me but we really don’t have time now.” He paused a moment, taking a deep breath, and then said, “I’m in love with you. You know that, right?” He held his breath, waiting on the response, realizing it was the first time in over a decade that he’d said the words to anyone.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Justin said, kissing him again. “I love you too.”

 

“God only knows why,” Brian said, as Justin rolled off him.

 

“I guess you should get dressed,” Justin said, unable to keep the somewhat mournful note from his voice. He not only wanted Brian; he needed Brian like he needed oxygen. It was rather terrifying, that simplistic and animalistic need.


	10. Complications of the Mind

Justin left Brian in the bedroom to get dressed and change the sheets, and hide the party favor box and lock their toy box, while he went to stow his easel in the corner of the loft. He was unsurprised a few minutes later when the man joined him. “Hey,” Justin said, turning into him.

“Want to explain to me why I’ve suddenly developed this need to rescue my nephews when I could give a shit about my sister?”

“Um, maybe because John and Peter are still innocent.”

Brian scoffed at that and Justin glared at him. “All I meant is that they haven’t developed the cynical hardness that you possess. And their lives have been fucked up by this, Brian.”

“That still doesn’t explain why I’ve suddenly decided to step in. I’m not Rage,” Brian said, running a hand through his hair. “I’m not a hero trying to save Gayopolis.”

Justin started to offer a flip response and sensed that wasn’t what Brian needed from him at the moment. He took his hand and led him to one of the cushions. He knew how much the events of the past couple of days had cost his lover and knew that it wouldn’t take much to push Brian to his breaking point, causing him to do and say things he wouldn’t otherwise admit and regret later. He didn’t want Brian to regret anything that had happened between them, though. Perhaps that was selfish but he recognized just how much courage it had taken for his lover to get over his pride and admit his feelings. “You’re still my hero,” he said softly. “Always have been. Always will be.” He couldn’t help wondering if Brian’s need to help John and Peter stemmed from his inability to save him when he’d gotten hurt by Hobbs. No matter how many times he tried to reassure Brian it wasn’t his fault, the older man seemed insistent on holding to that misconception regardless of how painful it was for him.

Brian stared at him. It never failed to amaze him that Justin had such blind faith in him, despite all the various ways they had ended up hurting each other, some intentional and some through no fault of their own. He ran a finger over the hairline scar on his wrist and met Justin’s curious blue eyes. “You always do that when you’re nervous,” Justin observed. “Want to tell me why?”

Whatever response Brian might have given was delayed by the knocking on the door. Both men groaned and Brian rose to answer it, sending a rueful glance back at the reclining Justin. He opened it to reveal a haggard Claire and a surly John and a seemingly befuddled Peter. It was John who pushed past Brian, flopping down on a cushion, backpack and pillow cast aside. Peter gave his uncle a wary glance and then tentatively stepped forward, offering a hug which Brian returned awkwardly. He couldn’t remember either of his nephews ever showing affection towards him. It just wasn’t done in the Kinney family.

Claire stared at her brother and Brian finally said, “Come in, Claire.”

She shook her head and said, “I’ve signed the boys out of school for the rest of the week. There’s an investigation pending and Father Tom has agreed to bear witness against Father Padraic.” She looked down at her hand, twisting the lone ring she wore in a nervous habit. “You were right about Mom, Brian. She was passed out and the boys were upstairs. Anything could have happened.”

He started to say ‘I told you so’ and then knew that it wasn’t something his sister needed to hear. For once he didn’t want to fuck with her just for the sake of fucking with her. She didn’t need it from him, not now at least. “I’m sorry, Claire.”  
“Not your fault,” she reluctantly acknowledged. “If you need me, you know where to find me. They can turn your hair grey.”

“I have one of those,” he reminded her. Justin glared at him and he hastily added, “My four-year-old, Gus.”

Despite her reservations, Claire smiled. “I owe you, Brian. I shouldn’t have accused you of corrupting them.”

He simply shrugged and cautiously said, “Any particular time the boys should be in bed?”

Claire shook her head and said, “I can’t enforce a bed time for the boys. John’s got his laptop so just keep him off porn sites.”

John heard his mother’s comment and glared at her. “Shut up, Mom.”

Brian glanced at his nephew and sent him a warning glance. John looked away, knowing that he had to tread lightly around his uncle. “They’ll be fine, Claire. I’ll let you know if I have any problems but it should be okay.”

Claire wasn’t so sure of that, but she nodded. She took a checkbook out of her shoulder bag and asked Brian for a pen. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“Writing you a check,” she said.

Brian’s hand stilled her hand as she began to write. “I’m not taking your money, Claire. Go home and make sure Mom’s okay.”

Justin watched the interaction between his lover and his sister and wondered at Brian’s calm. “So where did you two hide the beads?”

The question came not surprisingly from John and Justin turned to him. “What beads?”

“The beads Uncle Brian shoves up your ass,” John said, with a knowing smirk. “I’m not ignorant, you know.”

Justin turned red and Claire beat a hasty retreat, figuring her brother could handle her surly son. Before Justin could deliver a tactful answer, Brian crossed to them. He looked down at his nephew, glowering at him, and then said, “Justin, you stay here with Peter. I’m going to take John somewhere we can talk.”

John looked at his uncle cautiously and then slowly stood, figuring that this was one person he couldn’t push around like he did his mom. He looked at his younger brother, who looked happy to spend time with his uncle’s boyfriend.

Brian grabbed his car keys and headed to the door, looking back at John. “You coming?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” John shot back, ignoring the look Brian gave him.

Not responding to the perfect opening the smartass kid had given him took concentrated effort from Brian as he tried to remind himself that John was still, for all intents and purposes, a kid. Justin recognized the look on Brian’s face and figured that only one of them would be left standing. He figured John was in for one hell of an afternoon. He looked at Peter and said, “You bring any games?”

Peter nodded and Justin said, “Let’s play. I’m going to kick your ass.”

“Uh huh,” Peter said, as he watched Justin boot up the PlayStation.

Neither one of them heard the loft door slide open and closed behind Brian and his young, unrepentant charge. There was an uneasy silence between the two Kinney men as they rode the elevator downstairs. Once in the parking garage, John said angrily, “What the fuck are you going to do to me? Force me to give you head? There’s no toilet to flush my head down.”

Brian gritted his teeth and ground out a barely civil, “I shouldn’t have done that. But you pissed me off when you went through my wallet and then kicked me in the knee. And I’m not the one who hurt you, John. I don’t take advantage of young boys, no matter what your mother or grandmother might have told you. I’m sorry that you were raped.”

John paled and his bravado cracked a slight bit as he said, “it wasn’t rape.”

Recognizing the words as ones he’d uttered himself, not so long ago, Brian opened the car door and watched as his nephew reluctantly climbed inside. He turned on the engine and John hit the CD player button, grinning at the sound of techno music blaring from the radio. His pleasure was short-lived as Brian hit the mute button. “Hey!” John protested.

Brian just looked at him. “My car, my rules.”

“Fuck you,” John said.

“Being a little shit may work with your mom but it won’t work with me. I’m not the enemy here, John. I’m trying to help you. And just because you’re a male doesn’t mean that what Father Padraic did wasn’t rape. It was rape under any definition.”

John became real quiet and Brian was reminded of himself at that age, scared shitless of what would happen if his dad had found out just what he and the coach had been up to after soccer practice, knowing that Jack Kinney would have beat the living fuck out of Coach MacKenzie for busting his only son’s cherry, even if he had consented. Brian said nothing as he pulled out onto Fuller. He didn’t know quite where he was heading but found himself heading to the river. It was a place of refuge for him and a place he’d found himself often after he and Justin had split, when he needed to be alone and the thought of fucking anonymously didn’t offer any solace.

The silence was almost unbearable and Brian would have given anything for even a smartass comment. What he wasn’t expecting was brutal honesty from his nephew. “I shot my load,” John said, voice clearly miserable. “When he pushed himself inside me, it really hurt, but I got a woody.”

Not quite sure how to respond to his nephew, Brian said, “Open the glove compartment.”

John did so, noticing the condoms and lube with a sidelong glance at his uncle, and said, “What are you looking for?”

“There should be a pack of cigarettes in there and a lighter. Get them out.”

“Mom doesn’t let me smoke,” John said and Brian smiled sardonically.

“You’re not with your mother and we’re not going to tell her. It’s just us men,” Brian said.

Grinning at being referred to as a man, John handed him the cigarettes, and waited as Brian lit one and handed the pack back to John. “My cherry was busted when I was fourteen, John. By my gym coach. I know you think I don’t know what the fuck you’re going through but I do. The difference is I went into the locker room, thinking I knew what to expect, and then I was confronted with the raw reality of man on man sex. What happened to you is more horrifying but I was still sexually molested even if I thought I was man enough to consent.”

“But you wanted to be fucked by the gym coach,” John said, coughing as he took a drag. Brian suppressed a smirk as John held the cigarette out the window, absently flicking it when the ash grew too long. “You like being butt-fucked.”

Realizing that now wasn’t the time to clarify his position as the ultimate top, Brian took a pull off his cigarette. “I was still a kid, John. It doesn’t matter that I thought I wanted it. What matters is that the adult did something wrong, took advantage of the situation.”

“First time he wanted to watch me whack off, and then he made me give him my jockstrap and he jacked off into it, making me watch.”

Brian winced as he pulled up to the bridge. “None of this was your fault, John. He’s sick.”

They got out of the car and Brian walked to a bench. He’d never imagined having this conversation with his nephew. It was surreal. But he couldn’t help noticing that his nephew was opening up to him, despite his initial reservations. It seemed John was beginning to trust him, at least a little bit.

They sat and Brian noted the distance between them. He figured John needed that distance and wasn’t about to push him beyond necessary boundaries. “Uncle Brian, I’m sorry I accused you. I figured it wouldn’t matter if you went down for it. And Mom and Grandma believed me without question.” He looked down and Brian recognized it as classic avoidance. Seemed they had more in common than he’d like to admit. Then he met his uncle’s eyes and said, “Why don’t you wear the bracelet anymore?”

Instead of offering a caustic response, Brian pointed to the hairline scar on his right wrist. “See that?” he asked. John nodded and Brian proceeded to say, “When I was fourteen, I tried to slit my wrists. I got that bracelet when I was eighteen in Mexico to cover up the scar.”

“You attempted suicide?” John’s shock was genuine. “You tried to kill yourself?” He couldn’t believe that his strong, arrogant, successful uncle had tried to off himself. It just didn’t bear thinking about.

“Yeah, John, I did. Pop beat the shit out of me and I was getting fucked on a regular basis by the coach who really liked it when I told him it hurt. So I was pretty depressed and your grandmother was too deep in a sherry bottle to recognize what was happening to her son. I found the replacement blades to Pop’s razor in their bathroom and took one to my wrist. I passed out and your mom found me. Luckily she found me in time so I didn’t need to go to the hospital.”  
“What happened?”

Brian smirked as he said, “When your grandfather found out, he beat the shit out of me with a leather belt and told me that the next time I tried to commit suicide, I should fucking well make sure that the job was done, because he didn’t need my ass around to feed. That I should pick a method that would work.”

John blanched. Suddenly his life didn’t seem too bad, at least not when faced with the reality of his uncle’s life. “And Mom?”

“Your mom took care of me at times, John. But there were other times when he’d turn his rage on her and I’d step in to take the blow intended for her. Growing up in the Kinney house was fucked up. I don’t know how Claire and I made it through alive but we did.”

“How did you make it through?”

“By shutting down, internalizing everything, telling myself that if I didn’t let anyone close I couldn’t be hurt. That loving anything or anyone just caused pain. The exception to that was Michael Novotny, my best friend. You met his mom a few nights ago. And much, much later, Justin.” He studied his own hands as he took a deep breath. It was the first time he’d ever really talked to his nephew and he couldn’t help wishing the circumstance was different. “I love Justin, John, and he loves me. I know the age difference bothers your mother but emotionally he and I are on the same level. He’s a great person and, in a lot of ways, he saved me.”

“What do you mean?” John asked, sliding closer to his uncle.

“I mean that he has a blind faith in me. He saw the redeeming qualities in me when I was an unfeeling, unmitigated bastard who treated him like shit. He fell in love with me when anyone sane would have told me to go straight to hell. But he fought for me, John. The night I turned thirty, I tried to kill myself. My best friend, Mikey, walked in and reminded me of who I am. His words made a difference to me and I wound up going to Justin’s prom.”

“Is that when he got hurt?”

Brian glanced over at him and raised an eyebrow. “How’d you hear about that?”

“Mom cut out the article and has it in a scrapbook. She has a lot of your press clippings saved, Uncle Brian. Like when you went to the state finals in soccer and when you made dean’s list at Penn. And the article about you showing up at Justin’s prom and the aftermath of his beating. She also saved everything about you taking down Stockwell.”

Brian went silent. Why hadn’t Claire ever told him? “Yeah, that’s when he got hurt. It’s when I realized that I was willing to have a relationship with someone that wasn’t just based on carnal interest. I realized that I loved him. I wanted a future with him and some homophobic piece of shit took that away from us. He still can’t remember that night, John.” And I can’t ever forget it.

John inched closer to his uncle and Brian felt the slight movement. He looked over at his nephew and waited. “Will Father Padraic be punished for what he did to me and Petey?”

“Yeah, John, he’ll be punished. I know you can’t be comfortable with me and Justin but neither one of us has any intention of hurting you.”  
“I know,” he whispered. “And I’d rather be at the loft with you than at home with Mom and Grandma.”

Brian turned to him at the quiet admission. “No matter what happens, I’ll always be there for you, John. You can count on me.”

“I can’t count on my dad,” John said and Brian could hear the intense pain underneath the matter of fact statement.

“I’m not your dad, John. I won’t just sit idly by and watch your life be fucked because of some monster.”

The smile John flashed at him was genuine and Brian smiled back. “We Kinney men have to stick together, John.”

“I’m a Brennan,” John reminded him and Brian shook his head. “You’ve got Kinney blood coursing through your veins, kid, whether you like it or not. Don’t deny your heritage.”

“Thanks,” John said quietly. “Thanks for not treating me like some fucked-up kid who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. Thank you for being honest with me and not telling me to fuck off when I showed up at your door. I know you had to be pissed at me.”

Brian glanced at his watch and then at his nephew. “I was but I am more angry at what happened to you and your brother. I wasn’t mad at you, John. This situation is messed up and you deserve better.”

They walked back to the car and John got in quietly. He buckled his seatbelt and waited as his uncle started the car. “You pick the music,” Brian said, willing to give into John’s wishes for once. 

John grinned at him and said, “Thanks.” He paused a moment and then reluctantly asked, “How long can Peter and I stay with you and Justin?”

The question so stunned Brian that he almost rear-ended a Porsche Cayenne SUV. He hit the brakes, and the force of the sudden movement jarred both him and John. The driver flipped him the bird and he returned the gesture in kind. Since it was a red light, Brian gave his attention to John. “Don’t you want to go home?” He wasn’t really equipped to deal with two teenage children and he’d only intended this to be a temporary solution.

John shook his head, looking sad, and Brian mentally kicked himself for not having more tact. He took a deep breath and considered his nephew. “I think your mom will miss you and your brother, John. But depending on how things go with the court case and finding you a school, I’ll think about asking Claire about having you and Peter move in with me on a more permanent basis.”

“Into the loft? But there isn’t enough room.”

Brian agreed with that statement. There was barely enough room for him and Justin much less two other people. For the moment, he conveniently forgot that Justin would be leaving for California in a few weeks. As he realized that, he also realized that their trip to New York was probably postponed. “I’m working on a way to fix that problem. Let me have a few days and we’ll figure out a solution.”

“I don’t want to hear you guys fucking,” John said with a mischievous grin that did not go unnoticed by his uncle.

“Your mother know you talk like that?”

“You talk like that,” John reminded him.

“I’m thirty-three,” Brian shot back. “And I don’t have a mommy to worry about.”

John smirked, an expression that reminded Brian of his own. “You’re so old,” he said, the tone of his voice making it clear that he was teasing.

“Hey, brat, watch who you’re calling old,” Brian said, as his nephew turned up the volume as Forever Young came on.

“I’ll always be younger than you,” came the smartass retort.

Seeming to realize that he wasn’t going to win this argument or discussion, Brian simply gave in and let his nephew think he’d won. A minor miracle had occurred, he realized, as he gave a sidelong glance to his nephew who was bopping to the rhythm of the music, a motion that reminded him of his lover.

If he could fix this for John and Peter, he thought, it would all be worth it. Every fucking thing he’d gone through as a kid would be worth it. Every beating, every word of abuse uttered by his drunk old man, would be worth it. For the boys were entitled to a childhood devoid of further abuse and neglect. And he’d do everything humanly possible to make sure that things were better from here on in.

They were halfway to the loft when John posed a question that jolted Brian out of his reverie. “What did Granddad say when you told him that you were gay?”

“I told him after I found out he was dying of cancer. I went over to the house and told him; he said that it should be me dying instead of him. He didn’t say he hoped it would be AIDS but it was as clear as if he’d shot me.” Brian couldn’t quite hide the pain in his own voice and it did not go unnoticed by his nephew. “I almost hit him and then decided that the old man wasn’t worth it. I knocked over a pile of boxes instead.”

“Mom? And Grandma?”

Brian began to answer and then said, “Why all the questions, John?”

“Because you won’t bullshit me like Mom. You don’t think that just because I’m a kid I don’t know shit. So?”

“Claire found out when she came home and found me fucking her boyfriend in the bathroom. It wasn’t exactly a stellar situation, John. She wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. And your grandmother found out when she paid an unannounced visit to the loft a few years back. I went to answer the door and a few minutes later Justin emerged from the bedroom, asking when I was coming back. She told me I was going to hell.”

John stared at his uncle and said quietly, “You sound like it bothers you, Brian. I always thought you didn’t give a shit about the family. That you felt you were above all of us.”

Brian chuckled; the sound not the least bit humorous. “It does bother me. Even though the old bastard is dead and buried, I still want his approval on some level. I know how fucked up that sounds. And Mom, well, I don’t think mom and I will ever come to terms. The role of son has been pretty well filled by Father Tom.” He looked at his nephew and said, “Did your mom tell grandma that I fucked Father Tom?”

Shaking his head, John wondered at how deep his uncle’s pain really ran. It was a side of him that he’d never seen, had never even thought existed. He was beginning to realize just how his mother and grandmother’s bitterness towards Brian had affected his own view of his uncle. “No,” he replied. “I think knowing that would send Grandma into an early grave.”

“Sayonara,” Brian said flippantly.

“You really don’t care?” John asked, not believing that for an instant. He’d heard the pain in Brian’s voice, pain that his uncle tried to conceal with great effort.

“No, I care,” he answered. “But I remember her saying when I told her about my having testicular cancer, that it was my fault because I fuck guys. That if I repented and denied who I am, God would grant me mercy and forgiveness. The words I said to her when I got released after you pulled your little stunt were ‘fuck you’. The only reason she had me was to fuck with my old man, because she believes that abortion is a sin. But she didn’t do a goddamn thing when Jack got out his belt or paddle or I was blessed with his fist. I have little love for my family, John. Every time I’ve needed them, they’ve turned their back on me. I’ve given up.”

“So is that why you call us demon seed?”

Brian had the grace to look embarrassed as he turned onto Fuller. “You should know by now that I don’t put much stock in tact. I call situations as I see them. I don’t suffer fools. And the relationship between us hasn’t been great, John. I didn’t know your mother told you I called you that. That wasn’t right.”

“Nice, huh?”

“So why don’t you like your mom?”

“Because she wouldn’t have believed us. She would’ve thought we were making up some fantastical story so we didn’t have to go through catechism. I know Peter said she beats us but that’s an exaggeration. She’s used a belt on occasion but it’s not child abuse. It’s nothing like what Father Padraic did to me and Petey.”

Brian pulled into his parking space and stopped the car. His nephew made to get out and Brian’s next words stopped him cold. “Do you have any physical evidence?”

“Like a condom or jizz-stained underwear?” John asked, and Brian wondered at the logic of allowing young teenagers to watch so much television.  
He nodded. John nodded, saying only, “The first time it happened, he didn’t use a condom. When I took off my underwear at home that night, there was blood along with his goo.” He flushed suddenly and his lip quivered slightly.

Brian cursed himself, reminding himself once again that he so wasn’t meant to be in this role. He was silent for a moment and then saw the emotions overflow as John began to shake with quiet sobs. Fuck, he thought. “Hey, it’s okay. John, it’s gonna be okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you and your brother now. I’ll make sure of that.”

John used the corner of his shirt to wipe away the fresh tears and said, “I kept the underwear in a safe place. Today, I put them in a Ziploc bag. Can’t they do DNA or something?”

Brian nodded. “You did good, kid.”

He smiled through his tears. “You’re not such an asshole, Uncle Brian.”

Brian grinned at him. “Promise not to tell?”

A hesitant nod was his answer. Brian followed John into the corridor and as they waited for the elevator, he said, “I’ve got your back, John. Nobody’s going to fuck with you ever again. I promise.” He didn’t do promises but with this kid he was willing to compromise a little.

John turned to him, eyes questioning, and Brian smiled what he hoped was a reassuring smile. He wasn’t sure but since the kid didn’t begin to cry again or get defensive, he was reassured that so far things were going okay. Or at least as okay as they could go in light of this situation. He was fully aware that his sister might balk at the idea of having her boys move in with him but he thought he might just be able to convince her to allow at least one of the boys to stay with him temporarily. And his mother had better just butt the fuck out.

He opened the door to find Justin sprawled out on a pile of pillows and Peter in a similar position as they played a video game. “Kids,” he muttered, not realizing that John had heard his quiet comment and grinned. He dropped his keys on the counter and went to the blond, placing his hands over his eyes. “Guess who?”

Justin smiled, a radiant smile that couldn’t help warming the chill that threatened to pervade Brian’s heart. “Um, Brian?”

“Got it in one, kiddo. You get an “A” plus,” Brian said, remembering the night he’d first said the words to Justin. The night that had changed both of their lives. He pulled Justin to a standing position and pulled him flush against him. He dropped his mouth and took Justin’s in a crushing motion that had Justin gasping before he returned the kiss in kind. John watched his uncle and realized for the first time that no matter what shape love came in, the love his uncle shared wasn’t wrong or immoral.

They only broke the kiss when John cleared his throat. “You guys ever come up for air?” he quipped.

Justin looked at him and then back at Brian who simply shrugged. One way or another, Justin figured, he’d get the whole story. Things had definitely seemed to settle between Brian and his stubborn nephew. Brian looked at John and said, “There are takeout menus in one of the drawers, along with some petty cash. Order whatever you want. I like Thai but Justin likes pizza. He and I are going up to the roof for a few minutes.”

John nodded and smiled slightly. It was an expression that took Justin by surprise because he’d never seen the younger boy ever smile. It was nice to see that he could. He bumped Brian with his hip, and Brian wrapped his arm around Justin as they walked out the door. Justin was quiet as they made their way up the narrow staircase that led to the roof. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been up to the roof. But Brian needed to talk and whatever had to be said he didn’t want it said in front of the boys. Justin could understand that even if it made him curious as George. 

Sensing Brian wanted quiet, needing time to get his thoughts in order, Justin perched on one of the lawn chairs that he’d somehow convinced Brian to buy during the lean times after Stockwell. After things got pretty much back in order, Brian had determined he didn’t want to see the ‘fuckin’ eyesores so Justin had hauled them up to the roof, cursing Brian with every breath. He’d then been rewarded by one of their hotter fucks after the chairs were out of sight. So he just went quiet as Brian paced the length of the roof, finally settling down and standing in front of Justin.

Justin stared at his feet and Brian finally took ahold of his chin and tilted his chin up so that their eyes could meet. “Things are gonna change,” Brian said, without preamble. “John and I had a good talk. I told him a little about my childhood and he told me some things. The upshot is he wants to stay here with me. He doesn’t want to go back to his mom and frankly I can’t blame him. I don’t particularly like Claire, myself.”

Justin started to speak but the look in Brian’s eyes quelled his words. He sat and listened. “The loft downstairs is for sale and I’m thinking about buying it. I think it would be good for us. The additional space would provide you room to have an actual studio and I can have a room for Gus and the boys. If we have another blowout you would have a place to land and wouldn’t have to run away until things get cooler.”

“It sounds like a great investment for you,” Justin said, feeling cold. It sounded as though Brian had already made the decision and all that was left was finalization.

“Don’t do that, drama princess. We’re in this together, remember. Thick and thin. All that shit that you know I won’t ever verbalize. Don’t run away from me. Not now.” Not ever.

“You really want your nephew who has hated you for nearly all of his life under your roof?”

“He needs time to get his head back on straight, Justin. He can’t do that with his mom and grandmother hovering.”

“You trust him?”

At the question, Brian shook his head. “I don’t know. But I do know that I’m not sending him away again. This is one demon that a scared teen can’t face on his own and his mother’s all but useless. I’m not turning my back on the kid, Justin, and I can’t believe you’d even suggest it. Where would you have been if we hadn’t stepped in when your fuckwit of a father cast your ass out?”

“I know you took me in, Brian. I haven’t forgotten. But we were involved, despite your protestations to the contrary. You weren’t dealing with a kid who has just been sexually abused by a priest he trusted and felt so alone that he turned to a man he once accused of molestation. You once told me that you didn’t take in strays. That if Hunter had turned up on your doorstep, you’d have given him a couple of grand and sent him off. What’s different?”

“He’s family. Just like you would give your left nut for a relationship with your father, one where he doesn’t hate you for sucking cock and taking it up the ass and being my lover, John and Peter are blood. We don’t choose our parents. He’s blood, Justin. And I think I’m better equipped to deal with this particular demon than his mom. He can talk to me. When he’s scared about his sexual identity because this awful, hellish trauma is gonna fuck him up, he can talk to me about it. His mom will simply say that he needs to settle down with a good, little Irish Catholic girl and make babies. He needs a choice. I’d have thought you would understand that.”

“Why is this suddenly your problem?”

Brian sat down on the chair next to him and ran a hand through his hair. “Because I didn’t think to explore the deeper reasons that John accused me of making him suck my cock. I was too pissed at him to think straight. This is my problem for the same reason that it was my problem when you ran like a scared little rabbit and I chased your ass down. You do it for someone you love and you do it for family.”

“What are you saying?”

Brian glared at Justin and said quietly, “You’re going to make me say it? Aren’t you?”

Justin was deriving little pleasure from watching Brian get skewered by the depth of his own emotions. But he still nodded and watched as Brian’s expression underwent a subtle yet noticeable transformation. “I love you, twat. I fucking love you and you’ve known it since day fucking one. I didn’t intend to get sucked into this quagmire. I never wanted to love anyone but it’s only ever been you. So get the fuck over yourself.”

“And the monogamy we’ve skirted around?” Justin said, careful not to let his expression betray his elation at Brian’s words, though the delivery left something to be desired.

“If I trick occasionally it doesn’t constitute fucking around, at least not in my definition. The only way that’d change is if either of us met someone who we would consider a friend or a potential lover. But there’s only one person in the world who I consider capable of being my partner in the shit we both deal with: you.” Brian took a deep breath and said quietly, “I won’t be bringing any tricks home. I won’t be fucking anyone in our bed. I can promise you that I’ll limit my tricking to the baths or the backroom.”

“And we’ll be having plenty of hot, steamy phone sex,” Justin said, leaning into Brian.

“Absofuckinlutely. Now I have to talk to my accountant and lawyer about the loft downstairs. My life suddenly got a hell of a lot more complicated.” And you’re leaving, he thought, but didn’t have the energy to throw that gauntlet down. If Justin decided to stay it had to be on his terms not because Brian needed or wanted him to.

“What about barebacking?”

Brian glanced down at his hands and then at Justin. “The thought scares the fuck out of me. I haven’t fucked anyone raw in nearly a decade. But if we’re safe and we talk things through, I’ll think about it. I’m not ruling it out because the idea of coming in your tight, little ass, and seeing it seep out of your hole makes me hard. The idea is extremely hot. But even though I love you, I’m not going to put your health at risk for a fantasy. We’re not there yet, Sunshine.”

Justin felt heartened at his words. He hadn’t ruled it out and he had left it open as a possibility. At the moment, Justin couldn’t ask for anything more. He let Brian take his hand and was unsurprised when Brian whispered against his ear, “I think the boys will be okay. I want you to ride my hot, hard cock.”

Justin turned in his arms and grinned. “I think that can be arranged.” He tugged his shirt free from the cargo pants and let Brian hook his fingers inside, encountering naked flesh. Brian grinned and said, “I’ve taught you well, grasshopper.” He stroked the head and was rewarded by a silky drop of pre-cum. “You’re hot,” he murmured. Justin fumbled the buttons of his jeans loose and sank down to the pavement, ignoring the pebbles underneath his knees. He licked the underside of Brian’s shaft, from base to tip, and then gently flicked the tip with his tongue, rewarded when Brian grunted. Then he proceeded to lap at him as if he were an ice cream cone. He turned his attention to Brian’s balls and gently scraped his teeth over the tender flesh as Brian’s hands fisted in his hair. Going down on the shaft, Justin let his lips and tongue do most of the work, knowing that Brian was close when he moaned a, “fuck, Justin. I’m close.”

Justin redoubled his efforts, knowing when Brian’s balls drew up and tightened. He dug his tongue into Brian’s piss slit and with a jerk and a nearly shouted, “Fuck!” his tonsils were soon bathed with Brian’s jizz. He milked him dry, gazing up at Brian with an expression of wonder. Brian pulled him up to him and said, mouth hot against his ear, “I can hold off my orgasm with almost anyone. With you, I can’t. I lose all control. And that, baby, was fucking hot.”

Grinning, Justin watched as Brian tucked himself back inside. He let Brian get halfway to the door before he murmured a quiet, “I love you, Brian. And I’m standing behind you.”

Figuring Brian hadn’t heard him, Justin started to follow when Brian turned around and said, equally as quietly, “I know you love me, baby. I—hell, you know how I feel about you.”

“I know. It’s okay. Once is enough,” Justin said, surprised to find that the words were true. Once he’d heard the sentiment expressed by Brian, he didn’t need to hear it repeated again. It was enough to know that the man felt it and was willing to say it.

Brian was relieved to find that Justin wasn’t requiring him to repeat it every thirty seconds. He’d have to take it back if he did and he found that he didn’t want to take it back. The loft door was closed when they approached and Brian gave him a questioning glance. Justin simply shrugged and Brian went to slide it open and found that it was locked. He found himself in the rare position of having to knock on his own door. 

Expecting to have it opened by one of the boys, Brian and Justin were shocked to find themselves greeted by an irate Michael Novotny. “Where the fuck have you been? And why are the demon children here?” He took in Brian’s disheveled expression and then understanding dawned. “Oh, you’ve been fucking, of course,” said Michael, voice fairly dripping with sarcasm and barely concealed jealousy.

Brian hadn’t forgotten their earlier conversation and Michael’s betrayal by omission so he glared at his best friend. “How did you get in?” he asked, voice not betraying his intense anger.

“I used my key,” Michael said, staring at him as if he’d lost his mind. “I walked in figuring I’d find you and the Boy Wonder fucking and found the two demon spawn here playing your PlayStation. I thought something had happened to you. I thought I’d stay to find out.”

Brian took a step forward and Justin put a hand on his arm, which he shrugged off. This wasn’t Justin’s fight. “None of your fucking business, Michael. It’s between family.”

“I’m family,” Michael said. He glared at Justin and said, “He’s not. He’s just a convenient fuck.”

Brian felt a flash of anger and then felt the ice course through his veins as he shut down. Hitting him, satisfying as it might be at the initial moment of impact, wouldn’t fix a goddamn thing. “He’s my family, Michael. He’s my partner, not you. And since this is my fucking loft, I get to choose who I invite in. I don’t recall inviting you in.”

“But Brian—” Michael began and then cut his words off as he saw the expression in Brian’s eyes. He suddenly understood what shaky ground he was on.

“Remember after Justin and I reconciled?” Brian asked, voice cold and dispassionate.

Slowly he nodded. “Yeah, I came to see what the fuck you were thinking, taking him back.”

Brian smiled, a smile that worried Justin and scared Michael. He knew his lover was on the edge of a precipice and he didn’t think he could talk him down. This was between Michael and Brian, Justin realized, edging away from his lover. He was surprised when Brian said only, “Stay.” Not liking being treated like a pet told to heel, Justin nevertheless paused. Brian returned his attention to Michael and said, “Give me your key.”

Michael went beet red and said, “What?”

“It’s for emergency use only, Michael. I’ve told you that before. It’s not to be used so you can walk in whenever you damn well please. I know all about your voyeuristic tendencies and how you like to watch me in action. You’re not going to get that opportunity again. Give me your fucking key.”

“Brian,” he tried.

“GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING KEY, MICHAEL!” Brian shouted, the noise tearing the boys’ attention away from the dueling action figures in the game they were playing. “I’m not fucking around. The key and then you get the fuck out of my loft. And stay the hell out of my personal life. You don’t choose who I love. That’s up to me and I chose to love Justin, not you. I’m in love with him.”

Michael’s lower lip quivered and then he straightened up and pulled his key ring out of his jeans pocket. Brian and Justin watched as he fumbled the loft key loose. He started to hand it to Brian and then let it drop to the hardwood floor. Brian smirked sadly as he said, “Very mature, Michael. Now get the fuck out of my loft before I have you thrown out.”

“I can’t believe you chose him over me.”

“I can’t believe you thought that I’d choose you over him,” Brian said, sadly. He watched as Michael strode to the door, trying to keep what little remained of his dignity intact. It was like watching the last veteran of a war leave a battlefield. Michael slammed the door shut behind him and Brian leaned over to pick up the key. It took long moments before he could meet Justin’s eyes. When he did so, Justin could see the sadness in the hazel depths. This choice was hurting Brian and Justin didn’t like to see him hurt, for any reason. Brian gathered his composure and said only, voice devoid of any semblance of emotion, “Remind me to get the locks changed and change our security code.”

Justin simply nodded as the boys stared at their uncle. John hadn’t heard him roar like that since the day he’d come by the house to insist that John recant his accusation. “I’m sorry, Brian. I know how much you love him.”

“Loved him,” Brian corrected. He glanced at the key and tossed it aside. “I’m going to take a shower. Call the super about the locks. Pick a code that’s easy for both of us to remember and that won’t be easy for Michael to ascertain by dumb luck.”

“Okay.” Justin watched him stride into the bedroom, only stopping to unzip his boots, and take off his jeans and shirt. He stalked naked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, an action that he only ever did when he was intensely upset about something and didn’t want to let Justin in on his emotions.

Peter’s eyes were glued to the television screen and it was John who got up, saying to his younger brother, “Play solo for a little while, Petey. Okay?”

A noncommittal grunt was the only response, his attention focused on the game. John walked to meet Justin who had retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge. Sensing the younger boy’s approach, Justin met his questioning eyes. “Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Justin answered honestly. “He’s loved Michael for a lot of years. They share a lot.”

“Michael seems to be jealous of your place in Uncle Brian’s life.”

Justin smiled slightly at the kid’s accurate interpretation of the situation. “Yeah, he is. He’d like nothing better to be the one warming Brian’s bed. Only thing is, he’s married to a great guy who happens to have fucked Brian, something that never happened between Michael and Brian. He has never liked me because Brian loves me.”

“I thought you two worked on the comic together.”

“Yeah, but it’s always been an uneasy truce. A truce we instituted because we both love Brian.”

“You don’t like me much,” John observed, remembering their encounter in the arcade at the mall and later in the living room at his house.

“Not true. I don’t know you. I’ve heard bits and pieces from Brian.”

“Michael called me and Peter demon spawn.”

Neither of them heard the bathroom door emerge or Brian walk downstairs so both were shocked when they heard his voice. Brian was still dripping wet, a towel wrapped around his waist. “Michael was wrong. Don’t pay any attention to him. He’s not your concern, John. He’s about as inconsequential as a cockroach. He’s pathetic. And he won’t ever be a problem for you or your brother again. I promise.”

For once, referring to Michael as pathetic was not delivered by Brian in a teasing vein. Justin marked the difference and wondered at how the loss of his best friend would affect his lover. But he knew better than to say anything. If Brian wanted to talk to him, he would and not a second before he was ready. “Did you order food?” Justin asked, wanting to change the subject.

“Thai, for Brian. We saw the selections were circled on the menu. And a pizza with everything on it save anchovies for us, Justin,” John said. “We made sure to insist on sesame noodles.”

Despite his anger over the confrontation with Michael, Brian smiled. “Thanks, kid.”

“Yeah,” John said, flushing with pleasure at his uncle’s kind words. It struck both men that he probably hadn’t been exposed to many kind words in his household. “It should be here in a little while.”

Brian nodded and returned to the bedroom, pulling on a faded pair of blue jeans. He returned to the living room, shirtless and barefoot. He noticed that John carefully avoided looking at him and said, “You want me to put a shirt on, John?”

“Um, no. It’s just Mom always insists we walk around fully clothed.”

Understanding his nephew’s reluctance and discomfort, Brian felt an unfamiliar stab of something akin to guilt. He returned upstairs and then rejoined them wearing a white t-shirt. “Better?”

John turned to look at him and said, “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s just around here we tend to view au naturale as being natural. I should have thought about how it would appear to you. Tell me when something makes you uncomfortable, so I don’t make a faux pas again.”

“A faux, what?” John asked, expression confused.

“Mistake, John. It’s a fancy way of saying a mistake.” Brian looked at the wall clock and saw that it was 2. He had to pick up Gus in a little under three hours and had no idea of how to explain to his son who the strangers in his loft were.

“Where are we going to sleep?”

“In the bed. Justin and I will bunk on the futon and you’ll have to share with Gus. I’ll get a cot delivered so that Gus can sleep on that in a few days.”

John looked down at the floor and then at his uncle. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“Stop thanking me. You’ll probably want to kill me in a few days. But I’m trying to make things better for you and your brother. It may take me some time.”

“You already have,” John said. “I’m sorry if we’re causing you problems.”

Justin avoided looking at Brian, feeling guilty for his ill-advised comments up on the roof. He felt an elbow nudge him and knew that Brian was leaving this open for him to respond. “You’re not, John. We’re more than happy to have you and your brother here. And we’re working on a way to make it comfortable for everyone.”

“You two just want to be able to fuck,” John said, with a familiar Kinney smirk that made Justin grin.

“Well, yeah, there’s that,” Brian said bluntly. “I also need to call a cop friend of mine and see if they can rush DNA testing on that pair of shorts you said the Father donated his jizz to. If we didn’t want you here, John, you’d be back at your mom’s with your grandmother saying a hundred Hail Mary’s to save your immortal soul.”

John smiled despite himself. His uncle was a straight-shooter and he could admire that. His mother always beat around the bush and his uncle didn’t pull any punches. “You got any movies, around here, that aren’t porn or kiddie fare?”

“Somehow I doubt you like art films or avant garde. What kind of movies do you and your brother like?”

“Action, like stuff with Jackie Chan. Or Kill Bill.”

“Bloody stuff, huh?”

John nodded. “What, you like musicals?”

Despite the sarcasm, Brian laughed at the question. He glanced at Justin who looked embarrassed. “Nothing wrong with musicals,” Justin said, around an uncomfortable cough. He was going to kill Brian when he got him alone. Before he could instigate revenge against him, Brian’s landline rang.

“I’ve gotta get that,” Brian said, leaving nephew and partner staring at each other. No rest for the wicked, he thought, realizing that he’d been less wicked for the past couple of days. Pretty fucking responsible, he thought.

While Brian went to answer the phone, Peter set down the controller and saved the results of the game, going to join his brother in the kitchen. He was quiet and unsure of how to handle things. His uncle had barely spoken to words to him and he felt like this whole day had just been about John; that what was going on in his mind was of little concern. If he’d known that going in, he’d have stayed at his mom’s. There he was used to being ignored. He’d thought it’d be different, better somehow, with his uncle.

John noticed his younger brother’s approach and felt a pang of guilt. “Hey, Petey,” he said quietly. “You doing okay?”

Peter shook his head and said, “I’m scared, John. He said he’d hurt us if we ever said a word. He said that he’d make me sorry.”

Justin watched the interaction between the two boys and realized for the first time just how traumatic this whole experience had been for both boys. He’d spent the better part of the morning with Peter and hadn’t really broached the subject, not knowing how to ask what had really happened. He’d thought he’d be better at this whole thing and was stunned to recognize that it was Brian who was better at this than he.

John moved towards his little brother and hugged him, feeling the shudder at the gentle touch and cursed the priest for causing that reaction. “It’ll be okay,” he murmured. “Uncle Brian said he’d take care of everything. And he will, Peter. You don’t have to be scared.”

Justin heard the quiet words and glanced at his lover whose countenance appeared to be carved of stone. Uh oh, he thought, recognizing the expression on Brian’s face. It was one he wore when he was being reamed out by one of the family and refused to defend his actions. There were only a few people who could provoke that reaction from him, including Lindsay and Ben. He wondered who was giving Brian what for but then heard Brian say loudly, “Butt the fuck out, Deb. I appreciate your help last night but what happened between me and Mikey isn’t your concern.” Apparently Deb had a typically caustic response to that because Brian said, “I told Justin what I could never say to Michael, Deb. He can’t fucking deal with that. I’d have thought you’d be happy that I finally had the balls to admit my feelings.” On that happy note, Brian hit the end button on the portable phone and hurled it against the wall, the door to the battery compartment splintering as it hit the wall with a thud.

Peter shuddered and John gripped his little brother tighter. “It’s okay,” John said, even as he cast a wary glance at his uncle who sank down in the chair, head in his hands, fingers massaging his temples.

Justin glanced at him and walked over to him. Brian looked at him, with eyes full of pain. “I have a headache,” he said, misery clear in his tone. 

“I can see that,” Justin said. 

“They are here through a series of circumstances that have proceeded to give me the worst headache of my fucking life,” Brian said, unaware he’d once said those same words in a similar situation.

Justin almost smiled at the words and then said, “What can I do to make it better?”

Brian sighed and smiled wryly. “Give them back their childhood. Make it so that John’s first sexual experience wasn’t with a pervert. Make it so that their dad gave a shit about the welfare of his children and his mom isn’t a clueless basket case, and his grandmother isn’t a hypocritical bible-thumper.”

Since Justin could do none of those things, he simply wrapped his arms around Brian, and Brian rested his head against his chest. “I love you, Brian.”

“Yeah, so you keep telling me,” said Brian. He inhaled and then looked at the shattered remains of the phone and back at his nephews who still clung to each other. He met Justin’s eyes and said, “Did I scare the kids?”

Not sure that lying to Brian would solve anything, Justin reluctantly nodded. “Fuck!” 

The knocking on the door startled all of them and Justin let go of Brian. He retrieved Brian’s wallet on his course to the door, sliding it open to reveal two delivery people. He recognized one as a former trick of Brian’s, who clearly recognized him. Justin paid both delivery people and saw the hungry look on the former trick as he glanced at Brian. “Not happening,” Justin said, closing the door. There wouldn’t be any sharing, at least not tonight at the very least.

Brian had heard the last words Justin uttered and offered a hesitant smile. For one of the few times in his life, his depression wasn’t sending him away from Justin and into the arms of an anonymous trick. He found slight comfort in that. He joined the three younger people in the living room. Justin handed him his container of Thai food and the unopened package of chopsticks. 

He and the boys dug into the pizza with unrestrained glee. They were halfway through their meal when Brian’s cell phone rang. He sent his meal a rueful glance and then went to dig his cell phone out from the pile of clothes in the bedroom. He really did need to clean, he thought, as he noticed a pair of cum-encrusted jocks. Justin’s not his, he recognized, as he recalled a night when Justin had shot off in his pants before they could make it to the backroom.

“Hello,” he said. His expression changed slightly as he said, “Lindz.”

“I just heard from Michael,” she said, tapping her pen on the blotter on her desk at the gallery. “What’s going on with you? You casting everyone who cares about you out of your life?”

“No, just those who want to fuck with me and mine,” Brian said, looking at Justin as he sat down on the bed. “Can you take Gus tonight?”

“Why? Spending too much time with your son preventing you from fucking the shit out of Justin? You can’t put your sex life before your son.”

Brian bit his tongue as he counted to fifty before answering her. “I’ve got a family crisis here. It would help me if you could take Gus tonight or leave him with Smelly Mel. I will explain later but I don’t need you passing judgment on me. You know I love Gus. And Michael will have to get the fuck over whatever crawled up his ass and, unfortunately for him, it wasn’t my dick.”

“Brian!” she said, shocked.

Tired of dealing with those who persisted in judging him for sins committed and those only assumed, Brian said, “Lindsay, please do this for me. Go get laid. I don’t care if you take a ride on ten dicks, just give me this one thing.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, concern finally outweighing her enmity for him. He didn’t sound quite like himself, she thought.

“Family crisis, Lindz. My family.”

“So you turn Michael away and let Justin stay? That’s fair,” she said, sarcastically.

“Justin’s my partner, Lindz. Michael’s got a husband and a kid. He needs to grow the fuck up and let me have my own life and I choose to live it with Justin, not him. I’ve got a ‘wife’ or the next best thing to it, so just let me have this time. I’ll explain later just stop assuming that I’m the problem and Michael’s some innocent victim.”

Lindsay dropped the pen to her desk with a clatter, idly watching as it rolled off the edge of the desk. “You should have fucked him, Brian. Instead of cockteasing him all those years. What did you expect? You kissed him and fondled him and then didn’t follow through.”

“I offered,” Brian said, the headache rearing its ugly head like a dragon. “He turned me down. And from what I understand, the only reason you fucked Sam is because you couldn’t get me to fuck you again.”

Lindsay took a deep breath and said, “I’ll pick up my son, Brian. Call me when you know what the fuck you want. I have an apartment to show you. It’s not far from the loft and I think you’ll approve not that I give a shit. Fuck you, you arrogant bastard.” She disconnected the call and felt a shudder roar through her. How did he know that? She wondered, and then realized that it would be just like Melanie to tell him something like that, knowing how deeply it would wound her and irk Brian. 

Brian tucked the cell phone into the pocket of his jeans and looked up to find Justin framed in the doorway looking at him. “What?”

“You okay?”

“No.” He looked away from Justin and down at the floor. “I need to go out,” he finally said, avoiding Justin’s eyes, knowing that they’d be accusatory. He couldn’t deal with that right now. He just needed to get the fuck out of the loft before he quietly went mad. 

Justin, recognizing the mood and knowing that it wasn’t one he wanted to deal with, said, “Take your cell phone and plenty of condoms. I’ll stay with the boys.” His voice was tired and Brian gave him a sharp glance.

He turned to walk away, when Brian’s voice stopped him cold. “I meant what I said up on the roof, Justin. I meant what I said to Michael. I need some air, that’s all. I’m not going to indulge in my favorite pain management exercise because this problem is not between us.”

Justin faced him, not believing that for a millisecond because he knew Brian too well, and said, “Shower before you come home. I don’t want to smell some other guy’s sweat and cum on you all night long.”

Brian glared at the words and Justin knew that they were more than slightly hypocritical. How many times had Brian lain awake in the darkness, knowing that he was fucking someone else then coming home to his bed? “I’ll fuck who I want,” Brian finally said. “We’re not married!”

“I know,” Justin said, not willing to turn this into a battle royale. “Who am I to stop you? I’m not some little woman to stay at home while you fuck around.”

John silently watched the interaction between Brian and Justin and could sense the tension even from the safe distance. Peter ate a piece of pizza, ignoring the tension that stretched like an electrical wire between his uncle and Justin. He took another slice of pizza, diverting his attention from the argument, for it was clear to him that it was that even if their voices were low out of deference to the boys.

Brian took a deep breath and looked at Justin. “Fuck you, twat. I’m the one who dealt with that. You’re the one who lied to me about fucking around with the fiddler. I have never lied to you about my life. I’m not the one who has the history of cheating. That’s your department.” He whipped off the t-shirt and dug through the closet until he found a sleeveless charcoal tank top that clung to him like a second skin. “I fuck who I want, when I want. It’s just lately that’s only been you. But you shouldn’t get so fucking comfortable because that can change.” He snapped his fingers to accentuate his last point.

Justin’s eyes burned with tears. He realized that it was just par for the course; that the instant Brian admitted how he felt he’d run away or instigate a fight. “Run away,” he said. “Run away like a fucking coward. Like some dickless fag you’re always criticizing. Cause when it gets tough, you run.”

The words lay there like the proverbial elephant in the room as Brian slowly, very slowly, turned to face him. He stepped towards him and said quietly, “You have me. You have my heart, my soul, everything I am. And I’m not fucking running away from you. I need space. I love you but I’m not sacrificing everything I am to make you happy. If you want that, then get the fuck out. You know who I am, Justin. You know how I operate. I’m tired, I’m horny, and a quick blow job up on the roof does not make me a very happy man. I need more. So I’m going before I say something to you that both of us will regret.”

“Go,” he said, turning away to return to the living room with the boys.

A few minutes later, he heard the door open and close behind Brian. John stared at him and Justin finally snapped at him, “What?”

John shook his head and said, “You love him and yet you let him walk out of here, knowing that he’s going to fuck someone else when it could be you in his arms. What the fuck does that solve?”

Justin looked at the half-eaten slice of pizza on his plate and then at his lover’s nephew. “What else can I do?” he said, miserably. He hated fighting with Brian and knew that there would be little chance of makeup sex with the boys in the loft.

“Go after him,” John said, as if it were the clearest thing he’d ever said. “He’s hurting. He needs you not some other man.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“I know Brian,” John said, his voice weary as if he’d had years of experience dealing with someone as neurotic and fucked-up emotionally as his uncle. “And I can see how much the two of you love each other. It’s clear to me because I never saw that between my mom and dad. But it’s undeniable between you and Brian. Do you want to lose him?”

Justin shook his head and said, “I can’t go after him. I can’t leave you two alone.”

John grinned at him. “We’ll be okay. I’ve babysat Peter before. We won’t destroy the loft. Go make things right.”

Justin stared at him and then reluctantly nodded. “Okay. I’ve got my cell phone. I’ll leave you my cell number and Brian’s. We won’t be home late.”

John smiled at him and said in a near-whisper, “Fuck the shit out of him before you come home. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone as horny as Brian.”

Justin grinned at him, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the conversation. He grabbed his phone and wallet, noticing that Brian had left his behind. He wouldn’t really need it to get into Babylon or the baths but he’d need it to buy drinks. It was evidence of his emotional state that he’d forgotten it.


	11. Complications of the Mind

Author's Note: The scenario that Justin suggests WILL NOT come to pass! It's not something that would ever happen.

* * *

Half an hour later, Justin walked into the electrical union hall after looking for Brian in the baths, at the gym, and at Woody’s. He found the familiar form at the bar and noticed that Brian was drinking scotch on the rocks. He got the bartender’s attention and ordered a Chivas Regal on the rocks. He took a sip of his drink, knowing full well that Brian was aware of his presence and sitting there quietly fuming. They could always sense the other’s presence even in the early days. The bartender went to pour another patron’s drink and Justin looked at Brian. “The boys alone?”

“Yeah, John sent me after you.”

“Why?”

“I think you’ve won another fan.”

Brian swiveled in the chair to look at Justin. He was surprised that his lover had been able to track him down. It was truly the last place he’d thought he’d end up but the options were limited. Despite Justin’s accusation, a strange ass wasn’t what he wanted and a blow-job in a back alley didn’t really appeal to him. It had been weird that he’d found himself at his dad’s favored watering hole. Strange to find that what he really wanted was sitting on the next barstool over. Justin set his wallet down on the counter and Brian looked at it in shock.

“You left it at home. I thought you might need it.” He drained the glass of scotch and got up off the stool. If Brian wanted to drink in solitude, he was an adult and fully capable of making informed decisions, or at least that’s what he told himself.

Brian stared at the amber liquid in his glass, absentmindedly swirling the liquid. He hated fighting with Justin. But fighting with Justin was better than not having him around. Of the two, he much preferred fighting with his blond than spending nights alone. And that inevitability was quickly approaching so he was doing what came naturally: pushing him away. Driving him towards the edge of a cliff. “Stay,” he said, as he drained his own glass. He finally met Justin’s clear blue eyes and said, “Let’s get out of here.” He dropped a handful of bills on the counter and stalked to the door, knowing that Justin was on his heels.

It was only when they reached the Corvette that Brian spoke again. “Where to?”

“Daphne’s,” Justin said, surprised when the words left his mouth.

“Okay.”

Justin flipped through the radio stations finally landing on one he and Brian would both agree on. Classic rock. The silence between them stretched tautly and Brian finally said, “I’m sorry I was an asshole.”

“Yeah, well, I was a cunt. I think we’re even, Brian. I hate fighting with you.”

“It doesn’t make me none too happy either, Sunshine. I didn’t think that I’d be dealing with my two nephews like this. And losing my best friend and my lover. I think I have a right to a meltdown.”

Since he didn’t know quite how to respond to that revelation, Justin remained quiet. Brian’s eyes went dark as he acknowledged his lover’s lack of reaction. He didn’t take it personally though, for that would do no one any good. 

Finally Justin spoke, his own voice raw with emotion, “You’re not losing me.”

“Feels like it. I know that we love each other, sonny boy, but sometimes it isn’t enough. And who’s to say what’ll happen out in Sunny Cal.”

“Stop it!” Justin fairly shouted. “Stop pushing me away because you’re scared shitless now that you’ve admitted that you love me. I’m not leaving you, Brian. This is a fucking job opportunity. That’s all.”

“That’s what Kennedy & Collins was to me,” Brian reminded him, making a sharp turn. “A job opportunity.”

“Bullshit, you were scared of letting me in. Of acknowledging that you felt something for me.”

“It would have killed me if you’d gone to Dartmouth,” he admitted. “I would have gone quietly mad.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You would have proceeded to fuck blindly, setting a new world record. You wouldn’t have given me another thought.”

“I knew I loved you when I watched you fucking that guy after the King of Babylon contest, because it nearly killed me seeing you with someone else even if you were topping. So don’t _,_ tell me that I wouldn’t have been miserable if you’d gone to Dartmouth.”

“And it hurt me when I came home to see you fucking the zucchini guy on the sofa, Brian. I’d say we’ve hurt each other enough.”

“Nothing’s easy between us,” Brian said, softly. “You should have walked when I kicked you out after the cancer diagnosis.”

“I didn’t. And I’ve had plenty of reasons,” he reminded him. “You need me, Brian. And if I wanted easy I’d have settled for a milquetoast like Michael. I fell in love with you, you motherfucking piece of shit.”

Despite the harsh words, Brian found himself smiling. “I think you’ve called me that once before.”

“Yeah, I have. Let me love you, Brian. I’m not gonna hurt you again.”

“Who said I was hurt?”

“Everyone. Your eyes told the tale as much as anything else. It doesn’t matter now, Bri. We’re partners. We’re in this together and it’s time that we stop fucking with each other about inconsequential shit. The boys need you. I need you. Michael needs you.”

“I thought you’d be happy to see me cut Michael off.”

Justin stared at him for a moment, stunned speechless. “I accepted Michael’s feelings for you a long time ago, Brian. I’m the one in your bed, not him. I’m the one who comforts you when you cry. I’m the one who sees you vulnerable. I’m the one who has your heart.”

“About time you realized that.”

Brian pulled into a space in front of Justin’s apartment building. Justin unbuckled his seat belt and began to get out when Brian’s hand on his arm stopped him. “When I offered to fuck him, I knew that it was the one thing that would cost me you. I was so fucking relieved when he turned me down. That one thing would have been cheating on you. I know how my views on fidelity have affected you and our relationship. If I’d slept with Michael, you’d never have come home again. I’d have lost you for good. And it would have been a fait accompli for Michael, because he’d have won.” _By any means necessary._ “And I’d have hated him because he cost me you.”

“I never intended you to have to choose,” Justin said.

“Yeah, well, sometimes tough choices have to be made. And we have to deal with the fallout.”

“Everyone’s going to be pissed at you.”

“Not like it hasn’t happened before.” The resignation in his tone was overlaid with fatigue. “I can handle the gang.”

“He’s your best friend.”

Justin opened the door and Brian pinned him against the wall before he could gain the first step. “And you’re my lover. That’s more important than Michael’s pathetic shit. It was never a choice. He pushed me too far and he lost. It’s always been you. I thought he’d accepted that but I guess not.” Brian’s eyes were dark and Justin’s breath was ragged as he met the intensity of his gaze. He waited and Brian tentatively cocked his head, eyes searching for permission, before he ducked his head and took Justin’s lips in a kiss that was surprisingly gentle. Justin had been prepared for savage domination but Brian’s hesitation was almost as if he were waiting for permission; something he’d never needed before. Justin sucked his tongue, as his arms went up around Brian’s neck. When the kiss broke, Justin stared at him. “Where’d that come from?”

“Ridiculously romantic,” Brian nearly whispered, voice sounding almost pained.

Justin started to deliver a teasing response when a flash of an image of him in a parking garage with Brian leaning into kiss him flashed through his mind. His knees buckled and Brian said, “Justin!”

“Oh God,” Justin said, as he crumpled to the floor. Brian was left staring down at the prostrate figure of his lover for the second time in as many days.

Brian took the stairs two at a time as he pounded on Daphne’s door. She came to the door wearing a t-shirt and pajama bottoms, feet bare. She stared at him in incredulity, taking in the panicky expression in his eyes. “Brian,” she began. “What’s wrong?”

“Justin,” he said, voice nearly strangled. “I kissed him and said ‘ridiculously romantic’, and he passed out. Second time in two days.”

Daphne’s expression undertook a change as she gazed at her best friend’s lover. “Okay, Brian. It’ll be okay. Where is he?”

“Downstairs,” he said, eyes shocky. 

She went to the fridge and retrieved two bottles of water. She handed one to Brian and said, “Drink this.”

“I’m not thirsty.”

“I know,” she said patiently. “You’re in shock. The last thing he needs right now is for you to lose it.”

“I love him,” he said miserably.

“I know, Kinney. And he loves you. I need you to be strong right now and not lose it. Can you do that?”

Brian slowly nodded and then he followed Daphne down the stairs, limbs leaden. She couldn’t refrain from gasping when she caught sight of Justin, reminded unbidden of the night of the prom. She looked at Brian and knew he was remembering the same thing, but with more intensity. It had been the night he’d almost lost him and realized he loved him, nearly in the same instant. She wasn’t sure that she could handle having to deal with both Brian and Justin, but she knew she had to try.

Justin was starkly pale and Brian had gone pale underneath his tan. Brian knelt next to his lover, gently lifting his head and cradling it in his lap. He fought hard not to let memories of that horrible night swamp him. “Come on, baby, wake up. I need you to wake up,” he murmured. “Oh God, wake up. I love you, baby.”

Daphne could barely see through the haze of her own tears. It was rare that she’d ever seen Brian so openly vulnerable and she could see the love he had for her best friend, as if it were writ across the night-sky in neon. “Come on, Jus. Wake up,” she said, kneeling next to Brian, but not touching him, knowing instinctively that wasn’t what he needed at the moment. His attention was fully focused on Justin, as it should be.

Justin felt as if he were swaddled in cotton as he heard the softly murmuring voices. He fought to return, moving slightly and then he heard Brian’s voice, saying over and over again, “Oh God. No, no, no, no.” The litany of no’s pervaded his consciousness and he slowly opened his eyes.

Heedless of the pain coursing through his collar bone, Brian hugged him. “You okay?”

Justin slowly shook his head and said, “Were you saying ‘oh God, no’?” He was shocked when Brian suddenly went deathly pale. Slowly Brian shook his head. “No,” he admitted. He took a deep breath and met the questioning blue eyes and said, quietly, “I said that the night you—um, after—I just kept saying that I needed you and couldn’t lose you.”

“It’s a memory?” Justin asked, shocked.

Brian felt the unfamiliar burn of tears in his own eyes and fought back the emotion as he nodded. “Yeah, baby, it’s a memory.”

“Did you lean in to kiss me and say that it was ‘ridiculously romantic’? And wrap the scarf around my neck?”

Brian bit his lip, avoiding looking over at Daphne who had moved away, giving the two men some space. “Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you just kiss me?” Justin asked.

“I wanted it to be something we both wanted. I didn’t want to just take it from you,” Brian admitted, voice choked with emotion.

“Why did you come that night?”

Brian started to offer a flip answer and then knew that the time for flippancy had come and gone. All he had to offer now was utter and complete honesty. “Because I loved you and I wanted you to know that. When we danced, all I thought about was you. It wasn’t about saying fuck you to your homophobic classmates, though that was good too. It was about me admitting that you were more.”

“It was your way of telling me that you loved me,” Justin said, voice filled with awe.

Brian bit his lip, then met Justin's eyes. “Do you doubt how I feel about you?”

“No.” He took a deep breath, realizing that Brian was nakedly vulnerable at the moment. More vulnerable than he’d ever seen him. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

Brian sighed and brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. “I wanted you to remember, on your own. I didn’t want you to think I was forcing you to remember something you couldn’t. The doctors said that you might never remember. And I didn’t want you to remember the night I told you I loved you to be overshadowed by what that sick fuck did to you.”

“He hurt you, too.”

“Yeah, he did. If you hadn’t made it, Justin, I—” Brian couldn’t finish the sentence and Justin struggled into a sitting position, braced against Brian’s chest. The simplicity of the gesture caused the tears he’d been suppressing for so long to finally fall. Justin turned then as he felt the first drop hit his cheek.

“It’s okay, Brian. I’m here. I love you,” he said.

“Still think I know fuck-all about romance?”

Justin winced at the words, then wiped a tear from Brian’s cheek. “No, I remember you leaning into kiss me as if you were asking permission from me. It was as if everything that had gone before didn’t matter in the face of what we were sharing at that moment. I felt as if I was getting everything I wanted and I knew that you were scared shitless.”

Brian nodded shakily. “I wanted something more with you. Something more that I hadn’t wanted since I was a naïve kid of twenty-one. I laid myself bare that night and it hurt when you pulled away from me when I tried to recreate that night for you. You looked at me as if what we’d done was wrong and that cut me deep. I’d given you everything I had and you dismissed it and me. I think that’s when I realized that things weren’t going to return to normal. That whatever I’d imagined happening between us after you got hurt wasn’t going to happen.”

“I wish you’d told me.”

“You wouldn’t have listened. I tried to tell you the night of Pride. I wanted to dance with you, to provide you a single moment of purity between us that you’d remember. I didn’t want to take some stranger and fuck him. I wanted and needed you.”

Neither of them noticed Daphne leave them alone and return upstairs. “I’m sorry I hurt you. If I’d known it might have changed—”

“Everything? Nothing?” Brian asked, unable to completely hide his bitterness. “It wouldn’t have changed anything. The kid who followed me around with such adoration was gone and, in his place, was someone who judged me. Who felt betrayed when I fucked someone else, regardless of the fact that it was you who was sharing my bed. I think that you were beginning to hate me when you left me for the fiddler, Justin. The incident with the hustler was the beginning but it began much earlier than that. You found your way back to me but at what price? I considered you my partner, Justin. You were my boyfriend and you didn’t seem to realize that I had sacrificed nearly everything for you. Everything I believed in changed. I threw away my own rules when I accepted yours.”

“I’m sorry.” It didn’t begin to salve the hurts he’d caused Brian and he knew it but there was little else he could say.

“Yeah well,” Brian said. He started to offer his patented response to an apology and then just stopped. He’d admitted just about everything, so what was one more admission. “I don’t want you to go.”

“It’s a great opportunity for me.”

“And us?” _What about us?_

“We’ll be okay,” Justin said, surprised when Brian shook his head.

“I don’t put much stock in presentiment and prescience but I have this feeling deep in my gut that something bad is going to happen.”

Justin stared at him for a few seconds. “So do I,” he admitted.

“Where do we go from here?”

He smiled slightly and said, “Upstairs. At least for right now. I want to hold you.”

Brian’s smirk was slightly less cocky than usual but he nodded. He helped Justin up, letting the younger man lean into him as they made their way up the stairs to the third floor. Daphne had considerately left the front door open and her bedroom door was closed. Justin led Brian into his bedroom, waiting as the door closed behind the older man, hearing the lock click into place.

Justin lay down on the bed and Brian smiled a little bit. He felt the tears threaten to fall again as he stared at the angelic beauty of Justin. “What?”

“Just remembering the first night I saw you,” he admitted. He sat down on the edge of the bed, unzipping his boots, and then lay back on the bed, head cushioned on Justin’s chest. “I never imagined that fucking a virgin would lead to this,” he admitted.

“Yeah, well I never imagined I’d land the stud of Liberty Avenue,” Justin said, wryly. “I never thought my first time would be with a legend.”

“You give me too much credit,” he protested with little fervor, though secretly he was pleased with the words. “You’d have fallen in love with anyone who fucked you. You know how common it is to fall for someone when it’s your first time. I think you learned that the hard way.”

Justin smiled slightly. “You told me you loved me that night when you shot, Brian. I was so naïve that I thought you meant it.” It had taken him several more encounters with those who weren’t Brian to learn that it was often said in the heat of the moment and often meant nothing more.

Brian closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. While it was true that it was a common phenomenon to utter the words when you were shooting, he’d known that it was something different with Justin from that first night, even though he’d fought against acknowledging it for months. “I did.”

Ignoring that for the moment, Justin said, smiling a bit in embarrassment, “I thought I’d seen the face of God that night.”

“And I thought you were an angel. Seems we both had a religious experience that night.”

“Don’t mock this. That night changed both of our lives, Brian.”

“I know, sonny boy. And I knew that you were going to be something more to me because of Michael’s visceral reaction to you. He knew that you were bound to come between us. When I started to go down on you in the car, I wanted to taste you but I also knew that I was fucking with him.”

Justin stroked his bare arm lightly, running his fingers over the faint scar on his wrist. “Do you want me to turn down Brett’s offer?”

“Your call,” Brian responded.

“Don’t do that,” Justin said, feeling a twinge of hurt. This was something important and he didn’t want Brian to mock it. “Don’t tell me it’s my fucking call, Brian. This is too fucking important. I want you to be a part of this.”

Understanding his lover’s reaction, Brian laced his fingers with Justin’s and said, “Yeah, I want you to turn down Brett’s offer. I need you here.”

Recognizing the admission for the rarity it was and understanding how difficult it was for Brian to make such an admission, Justin said, “I’ll turn him down.”

“Michael will be pissed off,” Brian cautioned him. “He’ll think you’re betraying him.”

“You’re more important than the comic book. They can get someone else.” He paused a moment lest Brian protest his importance and hastened to add, “It’s my baby, Brian. But I’m not doing this because of you. I’m doing this because I want to stay here with you.”

“So you really want to sacrifice this opportunity? How noble of you,” he drawled, unable to keep the sarcasm from creeping into the tone.

“Bite me, lover boy,” Justin said in an equally mocking tone. “It’s not a sacrifice when it’s something I don’t want to do. It’s not like me giving up the trip to go on the ride with you instead.”

“You realize, of course, that we are in danger of becoming a boring, staid old couple,” Brian cautioned.

“So we do something about that, Brian. I’m not adverse to an occasional threesome. You are beauty in motion when you’re fucking someone. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t bother me sometimes but a lot of times it’s fucking hot.”

“I thought you were the one espousing the virtues of monogamy,” he reminded him.

Justin sat up and opened the drawer in his night stand. “Monogamy was well and good with Ethan. But he wanted to fuck bareback and I refused. Thank God I did since he was fucking that little groupie. The real reason I didn’t want to do that with him was because it would have felt like I was really cheating on you, Brian. There has only ever been one person in my life that I’d trust like that and it happens to be you.” He pulled out a box of condoms and a tube of self-warming lube and tossed them into Brian’s lap. “I want this next step but it has to be mutual. You have to want this too. I know commitment scares the fuck out of you but it’s the logical next step, Brian. We’ve both been safe and we know the risks and ramifications. If one of us slips it won’t be unprotected. I trust you enough to know that if you trick occasionally, you won’t play Russian roulette with my health.”

“So you’re okay with me tricking occasionally as long as I’m safe?”

“I’m okay with both of us tricking occasionally as long as both of us are safe,” Justin gently corrected. “I’m not pushing you into something. I know the risks. I’m not that naïve eighteen-year-old kid anymore.”

Brian sat up and then handed the condoms and lube back to him. “Give me three months. We’ll be retested tomorrow. Three months and if we’re both safe and sane after living with my nephews, we’ll fuck the way God intended. Without latex between us.”

“Are you sure?”

“No,” he admitted, meeting the clear blue eyes. “But I trust you. I know that if you fuck around, you’ll be safe. I know you won’t risk killing me for the sake of a hot fuck. I know that you love me, and that makes all the difference in the world.” He paused for a second and said, “This’ll change everything between us,” he said.

“I know. It’s a big step.”

“Commitment, Justin. It’s not just a big step for the sake of a hot fuck. It’s something that will tie us together as surely as if we had platinum wedding bands.” Brian looked down at his hands and said quietly, “It’s saying that we’re both committed to being partners. I won’t be domesticated but I can handle it being for life.”

“I believe that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Don’t mock me, brat. I’m dead fucking serious.” He fingered the pendant Justin wore around his neck and said, “It won’t be easy. We’ll fight like fucking cats and dogs but it’s time.”

“And the ‘family’?”

“Fuck the family. Fuck their judgmental behavior. And nobody needs to know we’re fucking raw except us.” Until the words left his mouth, Brian didn’t realize that he’d already committed himself to the inevitability.

“Did you mean what you said to Michael about him liking to watch you when you’re fucking?”

Brian nodded, suddenly uncomfortable. “There’ve been a lot of times when he’s come to find me in the backroom and found me with my dick down some trick’s throat or fucking someone’s ass and he won’t look away. It’s like his attention is glued to it, like he gets some sick thrill out of it.”

“I have a suggestion that you probably won’t like but I’m going to say it anyway. I want you to listen to me before you get pissed.”

He stared at the young blond and Justin squirmed under the penetrating gaze. “What if you and I were to fuck Michael? Have a three-way that he’d never forget.”

“You hate Michael,” Brian said, voice low. “And I think Ben would have something to say about his wife having an illicit liaison with us.”

“So we invite Ben in on it,” Justin said, voice trailing off as he saw Brian’s countenance darken. He felt that he’d suddenly baited a lion. “I don’t think you’d mind having him again and somehow I doubt that Michael would mind watching you and Ben in action. Witnessing what that long-ago weekend was like. Complete with ropes,” he added. 

Brian climbed off the bed and stared out the window. The sky was darkening as if the clouds were about to be split asunder under the weight of rain. He slowly turned back to face his partner and said, “That’s fucking brilliant. Michael will get what he wants. He’ll know how it was between me and Ben.” He picked up a discarded pencil and flipped it between two fingers as he added, “the only question is what you get out of it. I know Michael doesn’t turn you on.”

Justin stood and put his hands on Brian’s chest, feeling his breathing change. “No, he doesn’t. But the idea of watching you dominate Ben makes me hot. And I think this is one way where everyone gets what he wants.”

“Even you?”

“I would like to fuck you while you’re fucking Ben. The idea of you taking on another top makes me hard. And somehow I don’t think Michael would mind seeing that. If what you’ve said about his voyeuristic tendencies are true, then he won’t mind seeing me fuck you.”

“And the fact that Ben’s positive doesn’t scare you a little bit?”

“So you make damn sure that you won’t split the tip of the condom. Fuck me beforehand so your balls aren’t quite so full. I trust you.” Justin wasn't quite sure why he was suggesting the scenario but he was hoping that Brian would turn it down.

“If something happened, we’d never be able to fuck raw. That possibility would be taken away from us for good, Justin.” Brian found it difficult to believe he was even contemplating this. He hoped that Ben and Michael would turn down the offer, for the sake of his relationship and future with Justin.

“It’s just a suggestion. It doesn’t really matter to me if it comes to pass or not.”

“When I left the loft tonight, I was okay with not having Michael in my life. Yeah, I’ll miss him but my relationship with you is more important. He’s been in my life for a long time but it’s time to cut the ties. If we do this, it would cement things between us, make it more permanent. I don’t know that fucking Mikey would be good for either of us, Justin. It might solve things in the short run but in the long run I think it would harm what’s between you and me more. I’m not willing to take that risk. Are you?”

Justin realized belatedly that his suggestion made it seem like his feelings were less about their relationship than Brian’s. He shook his head and said, “No, I guess not. Forget I said anything.” And he was relieved at Brian's reaction.

“I’m not pissed, Justin. We haven’t been back together that long. We’re facing a long road with John and a possible custody battle with the merry munchers. I need you at my back now more than ever. I don’t need my best friend right now; I need my lover.”

“You’ve got me. Don’t doubt that.” He sighed and said tiredly, “I guess we should go back and make sure the boys haven’t wrecked the loft. I’m kind of surprised your sister hasn’t called or your mom.”

“Thank God for small favors. I should probably talk to Claire. How’s Peter?”

Brian knew he hadn’t been paying much attention to the younger of the two boys but it wasn’t because he didn’t care; it was simply that his relationship with John was so precarious that he’d placed more importance on that. But it seemed that the younger of the boys was the more fragile. “He’s scared that Father Padraic will take some vengeance on him for talking. I think the good priest threatened both of the boys. What happened with John?”

“Father Padraic fucked him without a condom. John had the foresight to keep the underwear the bastard jacked off into and realized when he took them off that night that his virginal blood stained them also. I guess he’s watched enough television to know that DNA evidence can be pulled from them. I think he’s desperate for a father figure.”

“If only one of the boys can stay with us, who do you want it to be?” Justin asked, knowing the way his lover’s mind worked. He figured he’d know the answer but he wanted Brian to say it.

“John,” Brian said.

“I know. I’m okay with that. He’s the one who told me to get my ass out of the loft and come after you. I can’t hate him so much for that,” Justin admitted. “I just don’t see how you’re going to convince your mom and sister of that.”

Brian gave an evil smile and said, “I’m not pushing for formal custody, sonny boy. Just enough so that John can stay with me through high school. Claire knows how I feel about her but I’m not willing to let her son endure that hellhole. You and I both know the suicide rate of child abuse victims. This is going to be tough on John. I don’t want to go to a funeral of a kid whose life was ruined through no fault of his own.”

“What if his dad comes back?” Justin asked, ever the pragmatist.

“Then we’ll clear that hurdle if it comes. I don’t know, Justin. I think Peter’s uncomfortable with me and he’s scared shitless. I don’t know that separating the boys is a great solution but I do know that John and I have come to a sort of détente and he’s even willing to joke around with me. He’s not throwing the fact that I’m a fag in my face anymore and he’s even talking to you. The poison Claire’s been feeding him for years is finally clearing his system. He’s living in a safe, loving environment for the first time ever. And he has two people who are actively in his corner and won’t fuck him over. I promised him that I’d have his back. I don’t want to be proven a liar. And my mother can go fuck herself if she thinks I’m going to let her have any say in this matter.”

“Okay. Let’s go home.”

Brian looked around the room and smiled a little bit. “I’ve missed your messiness,” he admitted. “Bring what you want and we’ll come back to get the rest.”

“I’m coming home,” Justin said, unable to hide the happiness in his tone.

“Yeah, baby, you are. You’re coming home.” Brian grinned at him and said, “I’m relieved to see that this isn’t an imposition for you.”

Recognizing the statement as one that was teasing, Justin reached for a bag and began to shove some things in it. Brian picked up a pair of discarded jocks with the tip of one finger, glancing at them and then back at Justin. He cleared his throat and Justin looked at him, then noticed the item Brian held, and flushed. “You took these?”

“Um, yeah.”

“And you kept them all this time?”

“Um, yeah.”

“When did you take these?”

“That first morning. I shoved them into the pocket of my jeans.”

“How did I not notice?”

“I think you and I were too busy and Michael was being his usual annoying self, irritated at having to pick you up and even more irritated that I’d spent the night in your bed.”

Brian tossed them to Justin who caught them. “Never knew you kept souvenirs. Kinky.”

“You’re not pissed?”

“Incredibly flattered. So how many times did you jack off into them?”

“Brian!” Justin exclaimed, flushing a bright tomato red. It was amazing after everything they’d been through that a casual comment like that could embarrass him. It amused Brian and ticked him off.

“Well?”

“A lot,” he admitted. “I didn’t think you’d ever find out,” he muttered, turning away to empty his night stand drawer, the handcuffs making a clinking sound. He sat down on the bed, feeling Brian’s presence behind him even as the bed shifted underneath his lover’s weight. Brian leaned against him slightly, saying, “You got beads?”

“Yeah.”

“I think it’s time we go up a size and time that you use them more frequently on me.”

Justin inhaled sharply, and then exhaled on a sigh. “Are you saying that you’re going to let me top more often?”

“Give you a chance to prove your versatility,” he corrected then saw the blond’s mutinous expression. “Yeah, I’m saying that you can fuck me more.”

The grin brightened the room and he couldn’t help smiling in answer. “Home.”

“Home,” Brian concurred. For the first time in a long time, he was truly and indisputably happy. Happy with Justin and happy with his life. Too bad such happiness didn’t last long in Brian’s world. For the fates still had more in store for him and his lover.

When the two returned back to the loft, John turned from the episode of Friends he and his brother were watching and smiled slightly. He got up and said, in a voice only slightly snarky, “Did you two kiss and makeup?”

“Yeah, brat. It’s all good. I suppose I owe you now,” Brian said. He tossed his keys on the counter and said, “Any calls?”

“Um no, you kind of broke the fucking phone, remember?” John said, voice snarky now. “And I don’t think I’m telepathic, Brian.”

“Okay, smartass. It was just a question.” He tossed John his cell which the teen caught one-handed. “Call your mom. Tell her that she and I need to talk without the old witch.”

“You want me to say it any different?”

Brian shook his head and said, “Say it exactly that way. Tell her it’s a direct quote so she doesn’t get pissy with you.”

John made the call as Brian took a seat at his desk. He checked the fax machine and saw that Cynthia had faxed him his agenda and a note saying that Telson was desperate to talk to him. ,i>Well, Brian thought, that can wait. _I’m not just some ad exec now who has to fuck for the sake of a commission or an account. Telson can wait on me cause my ass is not for sale, not for any price. Justin’s bought it, lock, stock, and fucking barrel._ He lit a cigarette and glanced at his other nephew who was engrossed in the television. He pushed his chair back and flopped down next to Peter. Peter jumped slightly as Brian said, “Hey, Peter.”

“Um, hi, Uncle Brian.”

The kid was shaking he was so scared, Brian observed. “I’m not Tony fucking Soprano, kid. Want to tell me what’s going on?”

Peter turned onto his side so he could look at his uncle. “I don’t want him to hurt me again. I don’t want him to make me touch his penis again. I don’t want to suck it again.”

“I don’t blame you, Peter,” Brian said, silently cursing the bastard who hid under the guise of being a servant of God’s.

“But you like that, Uncle Brian.”

Brian sighed and wondered what sins he’d committed to be faced with a scared teen. “I’m an adult and I have my own sexual identity. It’s different when you are grown-up and it’s by choice. It’s not right when it’s forced upon you. What he did is wrong. And he won’t hurt you or your brother ever again. I promise.”

“When can I go home?” Peter asked, sounding younger than twelve. Brian wondered if he’d ever been so young. He didn’t think so; Jack Kinney had forced every ounce of naïveté out of him by the time he was ten.

“I have to talk to your mom, Peter. You want to go home?”

Peter reluctantly nodded. “You have a lot of neat toys here but I miss my room. I miss my comic collection and my bed.”

“I understand, Peter.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No, kid, I’m not mad. I understand that you want to go home.” It had not escaped Brian’s notice that the kid had not said that he missed his mom. He didn’t think Claire would appreciate hearing that. “I need to talk to your mom. Do you want to go with me?”


	12. Complications of the Mind

“What about John?”

“He’s going to stay here with Justin, Peter,” he responded honestly. “I think he needs some space.”

With a maturity that belied his age, Peter nodded with solemnity. “Okay.”

“Hey, Brian,” John said, “Mom wants to talk to you.”

Brian stood, smiling reassuringly at Peter, and walked over to retrieve the phone from John. “Hey, Claire. We need to talk. Want to meet somewhere?”

He listened a moment and then said, “Peter wants to come home.”

A few minutes later he broke the connection and looked at the three younger males. Addressing Peter first, he said, “Your mom said that she’d like that. She sent your grandmother home. So it’ll just be you and her.” He looked at John and Justin and said, “I’m leaving you two here, together. I trust you won’t kill each other.”

Peter scrambled to his feet and grabbed his backpack and pillow, suddenly looking like a very young twelve-year-old. Brian marked the action and wondered how he’d not noticed how very like a scared rabbit his younger nephew was. “You ready?” he asked.

Peter nodded and slowly approached Brian. He hugged his older brother and John whispered, “If you need me, send me an email.”

“Okay,” Peter said.

Brian kissed Justin goodbye, a bare brushing of lips. He touched a fingertip to Justin’s mouth and then glanced at Peter. “Let’s go, kiddo.”

It was an uncomfortable car ride with a silent Peter. As they approached the comfortably blue-collar neighborhood of Claire’s, Peter said, “Thank you, Uncle Brian.”

“You’re welcome, Peter.”

He pulled into the driveway and Peter made posthaste to get out of the car. Claire must have been watching from the window in the living room because the door opened before Peter had a chance to knock. She met her brother’s eyes with a questioning glance and Brian made his way carefully up the walkway. “I’ve got a neighbor here who will stay with Peter. I guess you’re happy I sent Mom home.”

He simply shrugged, saying only, “I think Mom will do more harm than good, Claire. You and I need to talk and she’d only complicate things. You ready?”

Claire grabbed her purse off the hall table and nodded. She felt uncomfortable and hated that she always felt this way around her brother. As if he were likely to tear her head off at the slightest provocation. “Where are we going?”

“I thought I’d buy you an early dinner.”

Claire’s eyes widened. She couldn’t remember the last time she had ever eaten with her brother. “Do I need to change?”

Brian looked at her, careful not to appear too critical. Claire looked tired and drawn and older than her thirty-six years. He wondered how much of that was due to their childhood and how much was due to raising two sons alone. “You’re fine. I’m not taking you anywhere that has a dress code.”

She looked relieved suddenly and Brian said, trying not to sound irritated. “Come on, let’s go. I left John and Justin at the loft.”

Claire climbed into the car, marveling at the feel of leather. She’d never owned a car with a real leather interior and somehow she doubted that her brother would settle for anything less than the best. “How’s John doing?”

“He doesn’t seem to hate me so much,” Brian admitted. “He and I had a good talk, Claire. He’s not such a bad kid.”

“I’m sorry he accused you of touching him inappropriately, Brian.”

“Water under the bridge. We’re dealing with real trouble now, Claire.”

She gazed out the window as the landscape changed, as they moved into the more industrialized area. For a moment, Brian entertained the thought of taking her to the diner on Liberty Avenue but realized that would be cruel and unusual punishment for both of them. She fumbled the strap on her purse nervously until Brian said, “For Christ’s sake, Claire, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not Pop.”

She had the grace to flush as the meaning of his words hit home. “I’m just not used to being alone with you, Brian.”

“Jesus,” he sighed. “Claire, I have no intention of hurting you. I’m not your husband and I’m not a violent man.”

“That surprises me,” she retorted.

“I worked really hard to make sure I was nothing like Pop.”

“You fuck everything that moves, Brian. You drink and do drugs. The only thing that is different between you and Daddy is that he liked women and you like men.”

“That’s not the only difference, Claire,” he said, trying to keep his voice from rising. He didn’t want to fight with her. What they had to talk about was too important and he didn’t want to fuck up his nephew’s future just because he and his sister couldn’t come to an amicable conclusion. “I happen to love the man I’m with and I love my kid. I’m in a happy relationship.”

“But you’re not married?”

“All but,” Brian admitted. “A partnership is pretty close in the eyes of the state but he and I won’t be having a civil union, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Oh,” she said, going suddenly quiet. Seemed her brother was able to maintain a relationship when that was beyond her. Just another area where Brian succeeded and she’d failed. It was no wonder she resented him. Brian had all the attributes she’d kill for. It never occurred to her that his happiness was hard fought and had not come easily to him or been accepted easily for a long time.

He pulled into a parking place at a small, intimate restaurant and Claire looked down at her drab attire and then at her brother who looked immaculate even in fairly casual clothes. “You sure I’m dressed okay?”

“Yeah, Claire, you’re fine. You’re with me. They’re not going to kick you out for not dressing like you’ve just come out of Saks.”

They were seated quickly and Brian silently remembered fucking the host once. It appeared the host remembered also because he looked Brian over, from head to toe, paying careful attention to his package until Brian met his eyes directly and he had no choice but to conform to social conventions or risk a public humiliation.

Claire ordered a glass of water and turned up her nose when Brian ordered a Glenlivet on the rocks. “Just like Daddy,” she murmured.

“He could never afford the good stuff, Claire,” Brian corrected. “I didn’t come here to cross swords with you. Let’s just enjoy a pleasant meal or try to.”

She glanced over the menu and gasped as she saw the prices of the entrees. “Brian, it’s so expensive.”

Christ, he thought. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I can afford it. Order what you want and for God’s sake don’t just order some little thing because of some misguided guilt. I don’t intend you to go home hungry, Claire.”

She stared at him with barely disguised shock and he felt vaguely uncomfortable. “Okay,” she finally said, smoothing the napkin in her lap.

Brian sat back in his chair, and sipped his scotch. This was going to be a long night, he thought with resignation. Their waiter finally returned after what seemed to be an interminable time and Brian ordered a rare steak with a side Caesar salad while Claire ordered a steak medium well and a salad, looking with apprehension at Brian. He nodded at her order and then smiled slightly. “Thank you,” she murmured.

While he didn’t want to do this more often, Brian felt an unfamiliar sensation of guilt as he realized that he’d made a conscious effort not to get to know his sister. Not that she’d made it a welcome proposition but the fact remained that she was his only sister. “So what do you want to talk about?”

“You don’t want to eat first?” he asked, glancing warily at the glass of red wine he’d finally convinced her to order. He had images of her throwing the contents in his face as he made his proposition.

Claire shook her head and said, “Peter came home. I want to know why.”

“He wasn’t very comfortable. He missed you and his room and his bed.”

“And John?”

Brian took a deep breath and said, “That’s a bit more problematic.”

Instantly on her guard, Claire narrowed her eyes at him. “Why?”

“He wants to stay with me and Justin.”

Claire inhaled sharply and then took a sip from her glass of wine. “Your loft isn’t exactly conducive to having a teenager around. You wouldn’t be able to have a sex life, Brian. Do you want to have him around? He hasn’t exactly been your biggest fan.”

Brian just barely kept his jaw from going lax as he marked his sister’s reaction to his news. She looked up and saw his expression, then laughed bitterly. “I do believe I’ve shocked you. I didn’t think that could be done, Mr. Jaded Executive.”

He took another sip of his scotch, savoring the burn at the back of his throat. Before the night was out, he had a feeling he’d be switching to icy cold vodka. He’d expected more of a fight from her. “The loft below mine is up for sale, Claire. I talked to Justin today about putting an offer in. We could open the loft up and enclose a room for John. Install a staircase so that there would be an upper level and a lower level. Justin would have a studio and John would have his own space.”

“Are you really open to this?” she asked, calmer than she’d expected to be. After all, this was still the man she’d once believed capable of the worst act she could imagine.

“Yeah, Claire.”

“How long?”

“ Maybe till he graduates. It depends on what John wants.”

“College?”

“I’ll start a college fund for him,” Brian said. “It won’t be bad, Claire. I won’t be exposing him to unsavory influences.”

“How does your partner feel about this? I remember him standing in my living room when John stole your bracelet. He’s fiercely protective of you, Brian.”

“He’s okay with it, Claire. I think he and John will be okay. They are closer in age than he and I are, after all.”

She took another sip of red wine and studied her brother closely. “It’s a big responsibility, Brian. Are you sure you’re up for it?”

“Yeah, Claire, I’m sure. There are a few good schools nearby and I can get him enrolled for the fall and see if he can take makeup classes to make up the credits he’s losing this semester.” He glanced at his sister and quietly said, “Are you okay with this? Are you okay with your son staying with me?”

“His dad doesn’t give a shit about him. Mom’s perfectly useless, Brian. I have enough on my hands trying to deal with her alcoholism and two teenage sons. I love John but he’s fourteen. It’s a difficult age for anyone but the stuff he’s dealing with I don’t really understand. You’re stable, Brian. You have a committed relationship with a man who loves you and you’re in love with him. Considering the environment you and I grew up in, it’s a wonder that either of us are able to have a relationship.”

Brian laughed sharply. “It hasn’t always been easy, Claire. It’s been fucking hard but somehow Justin and I have made it work.”

“Where’s he sleeping?”

“Our bed,” he said, and then hastened to add lest she draw the wrong conclusion, “Justin and I have been sleeping on the floor on a futon. We had to get rid of a lot of furniture when I lost my job. I haven’t had much time to interior decorate.”

“A friend of mine at work has a truck. John has a twin bed. I can ask him to bring the truck and load it. Let me know a convenient time and I’ll have him drop it off.”

Brian stared at her in abject shock and slight confusion. She’d acquiesced way too easily which made him wonder what she was up to, whether or not she was setting him up for a fall. “You promise me that you aren’t preparing to fuck me over?”

Claire smiled slightly and then said in a voice, colder than the depths of hell, “You’re taking my son, Brian. You have made a difference in John’s life, which is more than I’ve been able to do. If you can help him, then I want him to be with someone who can understand what he’s going through.”

Brian glanced at her as she focused her attention on the linen tablecloth. “What makes you think I understand?” he cautiously inquired.

She met his eyes with a blank expression of her own and Brian recognized the mask for what it was. “Because I know what happened between you and Coach MacKenzie, Brian. I know that you had a sexual relationship with him when you were John’s age. I know it’s not exactly the same thing because you consented and liked it, at least for a little while until he began to use you roughly. But as a woman I can’t countenance it. I know that young boys have urges and you’re better equipped to deal with that, than I.”

He drained his glass of scotch and motioned to the waiter for another. He didn’t want to get quietly drunk but he didn’t see how he could maintain sobriety in the face of this revelation. He’d had no idea his sister knew. “I didn’t know you knew,” he finally managed.

Her answer was delayed by a few moments by the arrival of their salads. Claire took a bite of salad and then responded to her brother. “I know it happened because I heard you talking to Michael about it.”

“What else did you hear?” Brian asked.

“I heard enough to know that you were gay long before I found you fucking Sean Cannon in our bathroom, Brian. I knew the time Mom found you masturbating, it wasn’t because of that picture of Bo Derek in that swimsuit from 10 like you told her. There was a picture of a young Tom Cruise opposite that article. I wasn’t blind, Brian.”

“I had sex with girls, too,” he said, taking a bite of his own salad. "A few times. Just enough that I knew it wasn't what I wanted."

“Experimentation and it wasn’t what you really wanted. You think I didn’t notice how your eyes lit up that first semester of college when you came home talking about your art history class and the pictures of Greek statues. God, Brian, I wasn’t naïve but Mom and Dad had no clue.”

“Really?”

Claire stared at him and then said, “If Dad had known, you wouldn’t have lived to be nineteen, Brian. He would have beaten the ever living shit out of you. It would have been the worst beating of your life and I don’t think you’d have made it out alive. Concealing it as long as you did took work and was the only way to keep yourself safe. I understand why you disassociated yourself from us because of that and because growing up the way we did was pure unadulterated hell.” Her eyes glittered with emotion and he suddenly wondered how it had been hell for her. Jack seemed more likely to raise a hand to him than to his daughter. He’d always counted himself lucky that Jack hadn’t abused him in other ways.

“Claire, why was it hell for you?” he asked, voice suddenly quiet.

“I can’t talk about it, Brian.”

Brian remembered nights when his father’s footsteps passed by his door and heard him open his sister’s. He’d thought it was because he adored Claire; in a way, that he couldn’t countenance his own son. “Claire?”

She dragged her eyes up to meet his and, with complete misery, slowly nodded. “It’s what you think,” she said, tears overflowing.

“That fucking bastard,” he said, eyes glittering with rage. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Because you’d have killed him.”

“I thought you’d have been glad to see him dead, Claire. I thought I had the worst of Jack Rory Kinney. I remember him taking me out into the garage, making me strip down, and then lashing me with that bullwhip he’d gotten from a cousin in Texas. I was surprised that he didn’t take away strips of flesh. But I didn’t think he was doing bad things to you. I never thought that he was having sex with you.”

“He raped me,” Claire said. “You weren’t the only one hurt by Daddy, Brian. I didn’t tell you because I knew that you’d have beaten the shit out of him. And if Mommy had seen you do it, she’d have pressed charges because she was so codependent on him that she couldn’t see beyond the bottom of her liquor bottle.”

Brian drained the glass of scotch that had mysteriously appeared on the table. The wine steward was remarkably unobtrusive. “Christ, Claire. I don’t know what to say.”

“Not your fault.”

“Why were you such a fucking basket-case at his funeral?”

“Because despite everything I loved him!” she wailed, drawing attention from the next table over. Brian simply glared at the other patron and the man finally dragged his eyes away from them. 

“He hurt me and I loved him. You can’t understand that, can you?”

Brian laughed, a sound that was more akin to a bark than anything else. “The night of the funeral I wore Dad’s Eastway Kings bowling shirt. I had his bowling ball in the back of my jeep. I’d picked up Michael. It must have been forty degrees out and I didn’t even feel the cold. I took the bowling ball out and rolled it down the street. When it disappeared out of sight, I said ‘so long Jack, you son of a bitch’ and then I lost it. Michael had to drag me home, Claire. The only thing I ever wanted from him was approval because I was the child he didn’t want. Yeah, I can understand loving the old man despite the pain he caused both of us.”

“And I was the child he wanted,” she said, miserably. She took another bite of salad and it took effort to swallow. “Brian, I don’t have any intention of fucking you over. If John has any hope for survival, it’s with you. At least with you, he’ll be out from under Mom’s thumb. She won’t be espousing her Catholic shit at him and making him feel guilty. I know you have no reason to trust me, but I have no intention of playing you for a fool.”

She became quiet again as their steaks were placed in front of them. Brian took a deep breath and then said, “If I’d known, things would’ve been different. I wouldn’t have let him hurt you.”

“I know, Brian. I believe you. I know you and I won’t ever be great friends, won’t ever be close like some brothers and sisters, but can we at least stop the cold war between us?”

“Yeah,” he said. He scooted his chair back and said, “I’ll be right back. Enjoy your steak, Claire.”

Brian walked away from the table, tears obscuring his vision. He walked blindly into one of the stalls and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the closed door and felt the tears come, unbidden and unwanted. Why? He asked silently. Why did the children of the Kinneys’ deserve this? He’d never dreamed that something so horrific had happened to Claire. It explained a lot and it even explained her resentment of their mother and her frequent pleas for him to take more of a role in their mother’s life. He wiped away the tears and then returned to the table. 

The steak lay untouched in front of Claire and he said, wryly, “You lose your appetite, big sister?”

“Yeah,” she admitted. “You mad?”

“No, I’m not mad. I’ve kind of lost my appetite, too. Want to get out of here?”

She nodded and Brian caught the waiter’s attention. “Two to-go boxes and one slice of your chocolate mousse cake.”

She looked at him with a curious expression and he smiled an unforced smile. “I think you need chocolate.”

“Thank you,” she said, amused despite everything.

He shrugged with an uncomfortable expression on his face and she smiled to see his discomfort. It was a few minutes later when the waiter returned. “Was everything to your liking, sir?”

“Yes, thank you.” Brian reached for his wallet and the waiter shook his head. “The owner said your meal is on the house.”

Brian gave him an inquisitive look and then handed him a twenty anyway. “Consider it a very grateful tip.”

“Yes, sir,” the waiter said, as he disappeared to check on another table.

“Quite generous, Brian,” she said, as they turned to exit. He held out his arm and Claire glanced down at it incredulously and then took it.

Brian opened the door for her and Claire said nothing, wondering where her brother’s sudden solicitousness had come from. Brian was wondering the same thing but he had come to the conclusion that he could no longer hate his sister as much as he hated his mother and father. She’d suffered too and, in some ways, greater than he. Before leaving the parking lot, he flipped through his wallet and pulled out a few bills, putting them in the palm of Claire’s hand, and closing her fingers around them. “Brian, why?”

“Because you need it more than I do. Treat yourself to a manicure and a pedicure, Claire.”

Recognizing what he was doing and feeling warmer towards him, she took his hand in hers and said, quietly, “You have nothing to atone for, Brian.”

“Somehow I think I’ll be lighting a candle anyway,” he said, wryly.

“I didn’t intend to send you back to the church,” she said.

“You’re not. I never said I’d be going to a church,” he said, expression suddenly mischievous.

Claire blushed as the meaning of his words became suddenly clear. “Thank you, Brian. For everything. Dinner and John and letting me talk to you. For the first time, I feel like I actually have a brother.”

“I feel like I have a sister for the first time,” he admitted. 

“Well,” she breathed, “I never expected this outcome.”

“And you think I did?” he said somewhat sarcastically.

“No, I know you didn’t, Brian. I just meant that I’m glad that you and I had a fairly civil dinner.”

Realizing that she wasn’t trying to needle him for once, Brian calmed down a slight bit. He wanted Justin, he realized. He wanted Justin to hold him and comfort him and make everything all better. Once, he realized, it would have been Michael he’d have turned to, but that ship had passed. “Me too,” he said. “Don’t use that money to pay bills, Claire. That’s not what I intend it for.”

Recognizing that he was deadly serious, Claire nodded. “Okay. I’ll use it to get some tips and a pedicure. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to spend money on myself.”

“Claire, if you need help, I want you to call me.”

“I don’t want to impose on you, Brian. You were right when you told me about how much of my medical expenses you’ve ended up paying for. I have to stand on my own two feet.”

“Claire, don’t let stubborn Irish pride prevent you from asking me for help, if you really need it.”

Brian pulled into her neighborhood and then into her driveway. “I’ll bring John by this weekend to pick up some more stuff. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to make an offer on the loft but I have a new client and it should grant me some leeway.”

She opened her door, both boxes in hand, and looked back at her brother, noticing the regal profile. “Thank you,” she said, voice quiet.

“Yeah,” he said, brusquely to cover his own emotions. Hell, he thought, as he watched her close the door behind her, taking a moment to pause on the sidewalk and wave to him. He reached for his cell phone and hit the number for Justin’s cell. When Justin answered, Brian said, without preamble, “I’m stopping by a store to pick up a new phone. Ask John if he needs anything.”

Justin put his hand over the phone and looked at John. “Your uncle wants to know if you need anything.”

“Um, another blanket would be good. One of those goose-down things.”

Justin grinned at him, knowing full well what the teen was up to. “And some earplugs,” he said mischievously.

“You hear that?” Justin asked.

Despite everything, Brian found himself smiling. “Yeah. I’ll pick up some DVDs while I’m there.”

Recognizing an unfamiliar note in Brian’s voice, Justin said, “You okay? You sound funny.”

“Long night,” Brian said. “I’ll tell you when I get home.”

“I love you, Brian.”

“I know. I love you, too.”

“Later.”

“Later.”

Justin set the phone down on the desk and met John’s inquisitive eyes. “Everything okay with Brian?”

“I don’t know. He sounded funny.” He wasn’t about to admit to the kid that Brian had told him that he loved him again. And it hadn’t seemed to cause him any agitation, either. He was glad that Brian felt that way but something just didn’t seem right. He thought he’d known his lover long enough to know when things weren’t all right with Brian.

“Brian always sounds funny,” John said, ducking as Justin launched a pillow at him, giggling.

At the store, Brian knew the guy in the electronics department was cruising him and felt a familiar tug in his jeans. “I have a key to the supply room,” the guy said, intent clear.

“I’m in a relationship.”

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

“I just want to buy the fucking phone,” Brian said. “I don’t fuck around on him.” He heard the words as if they’d been said by someone else. For a brief instant, he entertained the thought of taking the man up on his offer. Then he thought of the blond waiting for him at home, and the fleeting thought was pushed out of his mind.

“Okay, man. Sorry.”

Brian nodded curtly and asked, “So you come on to random guys, often?”

The guy smiled and Brian felt like a piece of meat. It had been a long time since he’d allowed himself to be perused like this, and not felt anything. “Only when they are as smoldering as you. You’ve got that sense of danger about you. You even smell like pure sex.”

Brian stared at him and realized that if Justin wasn’t in the picture, he wouldn’t have waited or turned him down. He’d have shoved him up against the wall in the supply room, and fucked the shit out of him. Am I getting old? He thought.

“Hey, I won’t ask again,” he said. 

“Eight hours ago, I wouldn’t have turned you down,” Brian admitted. He picked up the box carrying the phone and then looked back at the guy. “It would’ve been hot.”

He felt the guy’s eyes boring into his back as he walked away, shocked that he’d turned down a casual trick. He picked up a few DVDs for John and a couple for him and Justin and went through the express checkout, ignoring the checkout girl’s blatant interest in him. He handed her his credit card and waited for her to swipe it. He signed the sales ticket and fairly tore out of the store.

When he reached his car, he realized he was shaking. In no condition to drive, Brian took deep cleansing breaths reaching for his phone as he did so. He pushed a number programmed into speed dial and was relieved to hear Miranda’s voice answer. He’d been hoping to get her and not her answering service.

“It’s Brian,” he choked out.

“Brian,” she said. “What’s wrong?”

“Think I’m having a panic attack. Got ginger ale in my skull.”

“Is Justin with you?”

“No.”

“Are you driving?”

“No, I’m sitting in a fucking parking lot. I just turned down a casual fuck. I’m having difficulty breathing.”

“Tell me where you are,” Miranda said, ignoring the baleful look her companion of the evening gave her. He let the sheet slip, revealing his dick which was impressive even while soft. She glared at him and he began to idly stroke it, knowing full well what he was doing to her. She found it difficult to pay attention to Brian and then forced herself to focus on her patient.

Brian gave her the direction. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Stay calm, Brian.”

She hung up the phone and looked at Luis, or at least that’s what she thought his name was. “It’s been fun, but you’ve got to get out.”

“But we’re not finished playing,” he protested. “I thought you wanted to play mistress and pool boy.”

Despite herself, Miranda found herself smiling. “Leave your number on the table. I need to go see a patient.”

“He can’t be more important than me, Luis.”

“If you ever want to play that game, you’ll write down your number and leave,” she said, voice growing progressively colder.

Seeing the intent in her eyes, he nodded and slipped out of bed. He donned the jeans, bending down to give her an unobstructed view of his ass and balls. It was a deliberate ploy and one she might have admired were she not so worried about Brian. He pouted and then scribbled his number on the notepad she kept by the bed for just such occasions. She heard the door close behind him and pulled on a t-shirt and jeans and a pair of mules. For once, she wasn’t very concerned about her appearance.

It was a little over twenty minutes when Miranda pulled into the parking lot next to Brian’s car. She was reminded for a brief moment of the episode of The Sopranos where the psychiatrist had met the troubled mobster for a session in her car. She tapped on Brian’s window and saw him jump. He rolled down the window, face pale and eyes dark.

“You look like shit,” she observed.

He glared at her and said, “That’s just what I needed to hear, Doc.”

“Want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I just found out that my dear old man was banging my sister on the nights when he wasn’t treating me to the back of his hand.”

Miranda blanched. “Jesus, Brian.”

“Yeah, you could say that. I told Justin I love him today. I’m seeking partial custody of my son. Michael and I had a huge blowout fight and I think our friendship is over. Oh, and I’m taking care of Claire’s son because the priest at their parochial school has been fucking him and making him suck his cock. The younger one is staying with her for the time being but I’ve got the older one with me.” The words came out in a rush and Miranda stared at him.

“Holy shit, Brian.”

“And I turned down a casual meaningless fuck because Justin and I are going to try monogamy. He wants me to fuck him raw and, God help me, I want that more than anything.”

She stared at him and said, “Open the passenger door.”

Brian hit the button to unlock the door and Miranda climbed inside. “I want you to make an appointment for you and John to come in to my office sometime this week.”

“Done.”

“Somehow I expected more of a fight from you, Kinney.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know who the fuck I am. And somehow I think I’ve been fighting the wrong people all these years, Miranda. I’m fucking tired. I’m at odds with Lindsay and I made Michael give me back his key.”

“That’s good,” she said.

“I know you’ve never really liked Michael but he’s been there for me.”

“Michael never really liked me because I had something he never did.”

“You know people keep reminding me of that fact. Justin even suggested we have a foursome so he’d know what it would be like to be with me.”

“What did you say?”

“I think it’s a crazy idea,” he said. “I think it’ll be fucking difficult for Justin to watch me and Michael together. He had a hard enough time when I kissed him on the mouth, much less seeing me fucking Michael.”

“What do you want, Brian?”

“World peace. An end to a fascist regime.”

“Drop the sarcasm, Kinney. I kicked a lover out of my bed tonight to come see you. So answer me: what do you want?”

“I think that fucking Michael even if Justin is there would be the ultimate betrayal of everything we’ve worked so hard to attain,” he said, thinking that it would be difficult for him as well when he’d rather be with Justin. “I think it would jeopardize everything. I offered a long time ago to fuck Michael and was relieved when he turned me down.”

“Why were you relieved?”

“Because the tricks don’t mean a goddamn thing to me. It’s just habit, Miranda. If I had fucked Michael, I would really have been cheating on Justin.”

“I thought you didn’t care about fidelity.”

“The tricks aren’t cheating ‘because we both do that, Miranda. If I’d slept with Michael, I’d have cheated on Justin and he would walk away from me. I’d end up losing him for good.”

“And you don’t want that?”

“Absolutely not. I love Justin. I’ve lost him twice, Doc. I can’t do it again. He’s like the other part of my heart.”

“Well, that’s a sentiment I never thought I’d hear you utter.”

“Don’t patronize me, Miranda. It’s taken me four years to tell the kid I love him. Don’t disparage me. It’s a big fucking deal and I don’t want to betray what we have. Besides, I don’t think Michael’s that good.”

“Are you willing to lose Michael as a friend?”

Brian took a deep breath, realizing that the worst of the attack had long since passed. “He forced me to make a choice, Miranda. He lost, and he never thought he’d lose me. He thought it would be ‘Brian and Mikey’ forever. That we’d end up a couple of old queens in Palm Springs. What he doesn’t realize is that he’s married now and I’m as good as married. My forever is not him. My future is tied up with that of a certain blond and I’m happy. For the first time in my life, I’m happy.”

“You don’t seem happy, Brian. You seem resigned to your fate. You turned down a casual trick who you wanted. You’ve said yourself that Justin accepts your tricking and doesn’t consider it cheating. So what stopped you?”

“Monogamy was my idea, Miranda. Justin hasn’t brought it up since we reconciled. It hasn’t even been on his radar screen. The only rule we stuck to was no names and no numbers received. He didn’t even ask me not to kiss anyone else on the lips, and frankly, I wouldn’t have minded keeping that one. I’m thirty-three, Miranda, nearly thirty-four. I’m fucking tired of the grind. Frankly, anonymous sex is just too much work and I’m a legend on Liberty Ave. It’s hard living up to that reputation especially when it’s well known that I’m in a relationship.”

“Peter Pan’s grown up,” she quipped.

“Yeah, I guess so. Then why am I fucking terrified?”

Miranda suppressed a smile. “Because the young blond feels something for you that you never thought possible. He loves you without reservation. He’s willing to take you on whatever terms you offer. And you’re finding out that coming home to Justin isn’t such a bad proposition.”

He heaved a heavy sigh and said, “Commitment scares the holy fuck out of me, Miranda. I don’t know how to do commitment.”

“You’ll learn, Brian. That kid loves you and you love him. Just go with it. It’ll be a period of adjustment but you’ll do fine.”

“Why do you have such faith in me?”

She smiled then. “Because, Brian, I remember the kid who came to me scared shitless after realizing that he had gotten hard watching the sweaty boys playing soccer. I remember that scared kid and I see the man you’ve become. You can do this. You deserve this. You found love, Brian. Don’t run away from it.”

He sighed again and said, “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m serious about you bringing John in for a session and I want to see you and Justin again. You both need to talk to me before you participate in unprotected sex.”

“Yeah, Doc,” he said. He reached to hug Miranda and felt her whisper, “I love you, Brian. And you deserve to be happy. If Michael can’t deal with you being happy, then fuck him.” 

Brian sat in the car, replaying Miranda’s words, before he finally turned the car on. He’d never imagined that his friendship with Michael would come to such an end. Hell, he’d thought that it would be Michael who would finally get fed up with him for not ever offering what he so desperately wanted. He wondered if maybe Justin was right and he should just bite the bullet and offer again. With those thoughts whirling through his mind, Brian thought about the blond waiting at home with his nephew and dismissed them as a bad, very bad idea.


	13. Complications of the Mind

Author's Note: Warning: this chapter is long!

* * *

While Brian was debating the future of his friendship with Michael, Michael was trying to figure out a way to make things right with his best friend. He opened the door to the apartment and threw his keys halfway across the room, narrowly avoiding hitting Hunter who’d just opened his bedroom door.

“Dude, what the hell is your problem?” Hunter asked, warily eyeing his guardian and sometimes friend. He’d found that he much preferred hanging out with Michael to hanging out with Ben; sometimes the professor got just a bit too cerebral for him.

“Nothin’,” Michael said, flopping down on the sofa.

“Uh huh. You have a fight with Brian?” Hunter asked. “The stud turn you down or something?” Though he was joking, the comment had the effect of holding a match to a stick of dynamite: Michael exploded.

“He told me to give him back his key, the fucker. He chose the twink over me. Told me I wasn’t family but the twink is. I’m the one who has been there for every major event in his life and I’ve never left him.”

“You forget about your husband?” 

Michael glared at the teenager and Hunter flinched, then stood his ground. What the fuck was he thinking? “No, I didn’t forget about Ben. I love Ben. I wouldn’t give up my relationship with Ben for anything. Not even Brian.”

“But you still wonder what he’s like in the sack? You still wonder what it’s like to be fucked by the famous, the legendary—”

“Hunter, shut the fuck up,” Michael said. “I’m trying to think here. You’re not helping.”

“Excuse me. I didn’t know you could think, Mikey.”

“Don’t call me that,” he snapped, irritated that Hunter had used the nickname Brian had laid claim to so many years ago.

Hunter sat down on the sofa next to him and Michael moved away. “I flirt with the stud but I know it’s going nowhere. I know he’s never gonna fuck me. And I like girls, too. But the ‘twink’ isn’t going anywhere, Michael. Even I can see how much Brian loves him. If you want him as a friend, you’re going to have to accept the fact that there are parts of his life that you aren’t a part of anymore. It’s not a dynamic duo anymore and you’re not Robin to his Batman anymore.”

“I love him,” Michael said, miserably.

“I know, Michael. And you’ve been Brian’s family for a long time, but he’s got Justin now and he’s not going anywhere.”

“He left him before.”

“And he came back twice,” Hunter reminded him. “They love each other and nothing’s gonna change that. The stud’ll cool off and then things’ll be back to normal between you two.”  
Michael wasn’t so sure. He’d rarely seen Brian quite so pissed off and it worried him that he’d been asked to give up his key. There had been so many occasions over the years when that key had been a lifesaving device for Brian. When things might have gone terribly awry if Michael hadn’t had access to the loft. He couldn’t help but wonder what would happen when Justin was gone, gone to California. How Brian would handle things.

As it drew closer to midnight, Justin and John shared a pint of chocolate chocolate chip ice cream. “So you were seventeen when you met my uncle?”

“Yeah,” a faint smile graced Justin’s lips.

“You get all moony when you think about it,” John observed, amused.

Justin licked some ice cream from the back of the spoon and narrowed his eyes at John. “I thought he was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.”

John took another clump of ice cream and sucked it off. Hanging out with Justin while Brian had gone to do whatever the fuck he needed to do hadn’t been bad. His uncle’s lover wasn’t half bad, he acknowledged. Much more fun than he’d thought. “So when’d you know you were gay?”

“When I was around your age,” he reluctantly admitted. “But I think I knew when I was a lot younger and just couldn’t define the feelings.”

“So how often did you beat your meat?”

The question startled Justin at first and then he remembered that the kid had Kinney blood even if he was only Brian’s nephew. But there were so many striking similarities between nephew and uncle that it was disconcerting to a bystander. “A lot. Even more after I met Brian and he told me that we couldn’t fuck again.”

“He turned you down?” John asked, incredulously.

Remembering the night he’d appeared at the loft and been so summarily dismissed by Brian, Justin took a few seconds before responding. “Yeah, he turned me down. He said that I was too—”

“Young for me. And I was too old for you because I was twenty-nine. Why are you telling the kid fairy tales?”

Justin and John turned to face the voice coming from behind them. Brian had quietly come in and closed the door behind him, not wanting to intrude on their conversation. He tossed the down comforter in John’s direction and said, “There are earplugs in there.” 

He removed the phone and plugged it into the outlet, carefully picking up the shattered remains of the dead phone and tossing them in the waste basket. He was silent as he did so and Justin and John stared at each other, wondering at his mood. Justin could sense danger on the wind, as easily as he could tell when a rain storm was blowing in.

Brian said nothing as he finished his task and then went to the bedroom, shedding clothes as he disappeared into the bathroom. John watched his uncle disappear and then glanced at Justin, who looked shaken. “Go find out what’s wrong. I’ll turn the music up. Just let me know when it’s safe so I can go take a shower.”

Justin scrambled to his feet and followed his lover’s path into the bathroom. He opened the door and locked it behind him. The water was running and it was steamy in the bathroom as he shed clothes. He opened the shower door and winced at the heat. He looked at Brian and saw the tension tautening his muscles as he stood under the water.

He put his hands on Brian’s shoulders and the older man allowed him to turn him. “You okay, Bri?” Justin asked, needlessly because he knew all too well that Brian was far from okay.  
“No,” he answered in a strangled voice. “I’m as far from okay as you can get. I bet John thinks I’m crazy.”

“He’s worried about you, Brian. So am I. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Brian reached for the loofah and the bath gel, handing them to Justin and said only, “Get me clean please. I feel so dirty.”

“You’re clean, baby.”

“No, I’m not,” he replied. The seriousness of his tone clued Justin into the fact that Brian was deadly serious and this wasn’t one of their customary games. There was little play in Brian’s voice.

Justin silently poured a little bit of the gel onto the loofah and began to lather Brian’s shoulders and back. He then progressed down his lover’s back, lathering the curve of his buttocks, and then the backs of his strong thighs, and the hollow behind his knees. As he was washed clean, Justin kissed every inch of skin as the soap was washed away. He could feel Brian shudder under the gentle touch and wondered at his lover’s skittishness. The last time he’d seen Brian like this was after his surgery when he’d been so reluctant to be touched, even by someone he loved.

“Justin,” Brian’s voice sounded alien even to his own ears. Justin moved around to face him and saw the naked fear in Brian’s eyes. 

“You’re scaring me,” Justin admitted. “What’s wrong?”

Brian shuddered and then slid down the wall to the floor of the shower. He grabbed Justin’s hand and pulled him down to sit next to him. “You know how you always complain that I don’t tell you everything?”

Justin hesitantly nodded as Brian looped an arm around him, to pull him closer. “I found out tonight that my old man was raping Claire on the nights he wasn’t beating the shit out of me.”

He couldn’t help gasping at the unexpected admission. “What?!”

Brian laughed dryly. “I thought I was the one who had the fucked up relationship with him. I guess I got off lucky. At least, he never fondled me.”

“Why didn’t she tell you years ago?”

“Cause she knew I’d have kicked his ass and probably ended up in juvie or worse because Mom would have taken that bastard’s side. I think she thought it was better for me if I didn’t know.”

“So Claire was actually protecting you?”

“In a way, yeah. It just never occurred to me that I got the better bargain, having the shit kicked out of me. I went to school with so many shiners that I got a nickname for it. But Claire was playing surrogate for Mom. Christ, Justin. My family is so fucked up.”

He didn’t know quite how to comfort his partner so he just stayed silent, letting Brian hold him for the moment. Neither was aware when the water began to run cold until they both began to shiver. They looked at each other and laughed nervously. Justin stood up first, turning off the water and opened the door, preparing to step out, when Brian said, “I do need you. Don’t let me push you away.”

He looked back at Brian who stood up and smiled half-heartedly. “Not a chance. No cliffs in sight.”

“I called Miranda tonight.”

Justin paused as he reached for a towel and looked back at Brian. The question “why” died unasked on his lips as Brian closed the shower door behind him. “The guy at the store was cruising me and for a brief second, I entertained the thought of fucking him, and then I remembered that you were waiting for me at home. I turned him down, saying I was in a relationship. The guy said that what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you but I couldn’t. When I got to the parking lot, I was having a panic attack, not full-blown but for the first time I understood what it meant when Tony Soprano described the sensation as having ginger ale in his skull. I called Miranda and she came to the store. She talked me down. She wants us to go in and talk to her before we fuck bareback. She also wants a session with me and John.”

The reason for Brian’s dinner with Claire had fled Justin’s mind as soon as he’d heard about Claire’s experience with their father and now it came back to the forefront of his thoughts. “Um, what did Claire say?”

Brian responded with arid delivery, “It is fine if John stays here. I’ll enroll him in classes next semester and in the meantime try to get him the makeup work so he doesn’t fall so far behind. I think she’s kind of relieved that she won’t have to deal with him. Talked to me about urges teenage boys have and how she thinks it’ll be good for him to be out from underneath Saint Joan’s thumb.”

“You going to put in an offer on the loft downstairs?”

“We are going to put in an offer on the downstairs loft, sunshine.”

“Equal partners?”

“Equal partners, kiddo. No bank would grant you a loan but they’ll grant me one and your name will be on the title.”

“I think you’re doing the right thing, Brian.”

“Doing the right thing often fucks my life up.” Remember Stockwell?

“And sometimes it makes things all better,” Justin reminded him. “Sometimes it reminds you that you haven’t lost everything.”

At his words, Brian took a step forward, cocking his head as he heard the blaring music, and laughed genuinely. “I think John thought we were going to fuck, Sunshine.” He turned more serious as he met his lover’s gaze and said, “Shouldn’t disappoint the kid, now should we?”

Justin smiled brilliantly at him. “No.”

He spread a towel on the floor and lay down on his stomach, legs spread apart. Brian glanced down at his lover’s form and then knelt down next to him. “Something’s wrong with this picture.”

“What?”

Brian smiled as he said with a straight face, “You’re not on top.”

Justin turned over and looked up at Brian. He found himself hesitating and saw Brian’s expression change. “You not in the mood?” he snapped.

Fuck. Fuck. In answer, Justin opened the shower door and retrieved a condom packet and the tube of lube. He watched as Brian lay on his back, looking up at him. “Slow, baby. I want this to last.”

They’d fucked a thousand times or more, Justin knew, but this was different. It dawned on him as he looked down at Brian that this would be the first time they’d made love, knowing that they both loved each other. Seemed the realization occurred to Brian as well because he said, “I love you, Justin. I don’t regret telling you.”

“I love you, Brian,” Justin whispered. He lay down next to Brian and they turned onto their sides so they faced each other. Brian’s expression was questioning and Justin ran a hand down his arm, over the curve of his hip, and down his thigh. “You sure?”

“I think that’s the first time you’ve ever asked me that.”

“I just don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do. I want to be sure that this is what you really want and isn’t coming out of the mess that we’re dealing with.”

Brian put a finger to his lips and Justin’s tongue darted out to lick it. Brian smiled as Justin’s mouth opened up to take his finger inside, sucking it as he did his lover’s dick. Brian pulled his finger free and met his lover’s eyes. “I’m sure. You know how you once said that this was the place we first made love?”

“Yeah,” Justin said, in a near whisper.

Brian shook his head, “All that’s come before is just practice. This is the real deal.”

Tears shone in Justin’s eyes as he stared in shock at Brian. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “That’s romantic, Brian.”

“Yeah, well, I know it’s not candlelight and roses and a string quartet but it’s the best I can do.” He heard the words and realized he was falling back on his old companions of sarcasm and dry humor.

Justin laid a finger to Brian’s lips and met the hazel eyes. He saw trepidation in the hazel depths and said, “I’ve had candlelight and roses and a string quartet, Brian. I’d rather have you than any of that. Just you. Only you.”

“That’s incredibly sappy, Sunshine. Way to ruin the moment,” he teased.

Justin turned so that his face was near Brian’s dick and his own was near Brian’s mouth. Recognizing the maneuver and realizing what his lover wanted, Brian smiled slightly. I can do this, he thought. He felt Justin’s tongue on his cock and then Brian stopped thinking. He gently stroked his lover’s cock, feeling it jump under the gentle touch and smiled again. The day he couldn’t have that affect on the blond would be the day he’d throw in the towel. He opened his own mouth and licked the underside of Justin’s silky shaft in long, leisurely strokes as he felt Justin offer the same ministration to his own. 

In the living room, John found himself scrolling through the hundreds of television channels finally coming across an old rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. He couldn’t help wondering when Brian and Justin would emerge from the bathroom. Christ, they’d been in there long enough, he thought. He was laughing along with the audience when the phone rang, disturbing him. John cast a glance at the closed bathroom door and figured there was no harm in answering the phone. The men were clearly engrossed in their own nocturnal activities.

“Hello,” he said, forgetting to check the caller ID display.

“Hello, John,” a familiar voice said. “You think I don’t know who you told about our little adventure. What do you think your grandmother would say if she knew that you got off on it? That you liked it as much as I did. And that her son fucked her favorite minister.”

“You sick fuck,” John breathed. “Leave me alone!” He ended the conversation and glanced at the closed bathroom door, figuring that he’d given them enough time to reacquaint themselves with each other’s bodies. He looked at the Bose audio system and turned down the music as he made his way up the stairs and knocked on the door.

Both men were drawing close to an orgasm, when they heard the knock on the door become increasingly insistent. Brian jacked Justin’s dick as he sucked, digging his tongue into the piss slit as he felt the blond do the same to his own. Justin shot before Brian did, and Brian welcomed the warm flow of jizz as he felt his balls unload in Justin’s mouth and him swallow.

Satiated, the two sat up and glanced at each other, with dopey smiles on their faces. “Fucking hot,” Brian breathed as he glanced at his lover.

“Yeah. Love the taste of jizz in the morning,” Justin quipped. He heard the knock on the door and then heard John’s voice, “Come on guys. Stop fucking.”

Brian recognized the panicky note in his nephew’s voice and saw a worried expression on Justin’s. Reaching underneath him for the towel, Brian wrapped it around his waist and Justin did the same with a fresh one. Brian opened the door and saw his nephew’s pale and panicky expression. It reminded him vaguely of the day he’d come home and found out that Justin had run into the fucker Chris Hobbs at the hospice.

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked, leading his nephew to the bed. For once, he didn’t care that he was getting the duvet and sheets wet.

John let loose a strangled sob and Brian looked at Justin. “I’ll make some tea,” Justin said.

Brian only nodded, grateful that his lover knew what to do. His country-club upbringing came in handy sometimes. “It’s okay,” Brian murmured, voice soothing as it only became when he was trying to calm Gus down and prevent a tantrum. “Tell me what happened.”

“I just,” John gulped and then said, hiccoughing, “heard from Father Padraic. He said he was going to tell Grandma that I enjoyed what he did to me. That I got off on it. And he was going to tell her how you fucked her favorite minister.”

Brian felt himself go hot and then the familiar Kinney ice began to flow. “Is that all he said?”

“I hung up on him, Brian.”

Justin handed John a cup of tea and then handed one to Brian, saying only, “There’s more Beam in yours than tea, Bri.”

“Thanks, Sunshine,” Brian said, returning his attention to his nephew who was now shaking. “It’s okay, kid. He can’t hurt you.”

Justin wore a questioning expression and Brian met his eyes, as he said in explanation, “Father Patrick called to tell John that he was going to tell the martyr how he enjoyed being raped by him.”

“Shit,” Justin breathed and Brian nodded wryly. “That about sums it up.”

Brian looked down at his nephew who still looked pale and said, “I’m going to call my friend Debbie’s boyfriend, John. I’m going to tell him what happened.”

“Do I have to go home to Mom?” John asked, a pleading expression on his face.

“No,” Brian said. “She’s okay with you staying here. In fact, I think you can stay here for the long haul unless you don’t want to. If my life with Justin makes you uncomfortable, you just say the word and you can go home.”

“I had a friend at school who is gay, Brian. I know that not everyone is a perv or scary. You’re not.”

“Thanks,” he said dryly.

“I just mean that I know you’re not into weird shit. So I really don’t have to go home to Mom and see Grandma?”

“You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want. That includes your grandmother,” Brian said, resolving to keep his nephew as far away from his grandmother as he could. The last thing the kid needed right now was to hear his grandmother espousing the virtues of the Catholic Church. “Stay here with Justin while I make the call.”

He glanced at the digital readout of the bedside clock. “Deb’s going to kill me for disturbing her beauty sleep.”

“I think she’ll understand, Bri.”

Brian walked downstairs and found the phone where John had dropped it. He scrolled through the incoming call readout and realized that the bastard had called from the Diocese. Brazen fucker, Brian thought. He dialed Deb’s number which hadn’t changed from that of his childhood. When the sleepy voice of Deb came through the phone, Brian said without introduction, “Is Carl there?”

Debbie squinted at the readout of her clock and then said, “Brian, do you know what time it is?”

Like mother, like son, he thought. “Yes, Deb,” he said with a patience he was far from feeling, “I know what time it is. Is Carl there?”

Recognizing the desperate note in Brian’s voice, Debbie struggled to a sitting position and turned on her lamp. “He’s at the station. He pulled a double shift today. Baby, what’s wrong?” Her earlier ire at him for what was happening with Michael went unmentioned.

“Police business,” Brian said, not really wanting to get into it with her. “Does he have a direct line? I don’t really want this call to go through the central phone system.”

Debbie reached for the small phone directory she kept in the drawer of her night table and thumbed through until she reached the ‘H’s. She rattled off the number and he said, “Thanks.”

“No problem, kiddo.” She paused a moment and then said, “Brian, I wish you’d tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’ll fill you in later, I promise. Thanks, Deb.”

“Yeah,” she said, then realized she was listening to dead silence. She hung up the phone and turned off her light, settling back into an uneasy sleep as she wondered what Brian needed with her boyfriend.

Brian sat down at his desk and waited as the phone rang. “Horvath.”

Relieved that he hadn’t gotten the aging detective’s voice mail, Brian said, “It’s Kinney, Carl.”

Carl sat down at his desk and said, “Brian, what’s wrong?” He knew something had to be dire when Brian Kinney enlisted his aid.

“You know what’s going on with my nephews, right?”

“Yeah, I heard something about it. That’s fucked up, Brian. So why are you calling me?”

“The sick fuck who raped my older nephew just called the loft and threatened him.”

Suddenly Carl became more alert, reaching for his cup of coffee and taking a deep swallow of the tepid brew. “What exactly did he say, Brian?”

“That John would be sorry for saying anything. That he enjoyed it and he’d be sure to tell my mother that. That he’d also tell my mother that I fucked her minister, who she regards as a son.”

Carl set down the mug and narrowed his eyes. “Um, you fucked your mom’s priest?”

“I didn’t know, Carl. He was naked and, hell, you know the rest. The point is the sick fuck knows he’s staying with me. And he’s threatening the safety of my nephew. Can’t we do something about that?”

“I don’t know that I can get a warrant to put a tap on your phone. And, frankly, I don’t know if you’d want me to do that.”

Brian narrowed his own eyes and cursed aging cops with lingering homophobia. “I have a partner, remember?”

“Yes, Brian, I remember. But I also know that you haven’t always and that you aren’t a stranger to paying hustlers for sex.”

Fucking Michael, Brian thought angrily. “I haven’t done that in months. If you run my credit cards and my internet account you’ll see that the most dangerous or nearly illegal thing I’ve done in months is charge a shitload at Armani and Prada. Not that it’s any of your fucking business.”

“Okay, Brian, calm down. I didn’t mean to piss you off. I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, I suggest you keep your nephew off the phone. If the bastard calls again, let me know.”

“Frankly, it bothers me that he knows where I live and that John is staying with me.”

“You want me to put you boys up in a hotel room? Would that make you feel any better?”

Brian thought about the suggestion for a moment and then shook his head, feeling foolish as he realized Carl couldn’t see the gesture. “No, I can do that myself. Maybe a few nights at the Hilton will do the boy some good. He can veg out and forget about all the hard shit.”

“If you decide to do that, let the cops know.” Carl hesitated a moment and then said, “I’ve never known you to run scared, though.”

“The boy’s fourteen,” Brian reminded him. “Fourteen and scared shitless.”

“The ‘boy’ also accused you of molesting him, not so long ago.”

“He’s not crying wolf, Carl. The boy has been fucking traumatized by this. You saw the detailed statement he gave the cops when he accused me. He wouldn’t know all that if he wasn’t telling the truth.”

“Okay, okay,” Carl said. “I don’t think a priest is likely to fuck with you, Brian. You can be a scary fucker when you want to be.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“I’ll tell the cops on duty and make sure a report is made. Keep them updated.”

“They didn’t seem to care much once they heard my name. Seems Stockwell still has a long reach.”

“Yeah, the boys in blue have a long memory and a lot of us are old dogs who had a lot of respect for the man, Brian. But that shouldn’t prevent us from doing our job. I’ll keep an eye out and make sure that the cops assigned to your nephews’ case are doing their job. You’ve got my word on that.”

Since Horvath’s word was as good as platinum, Brian said, “Okay. Thanks.”

He hung up the phone and looked up to find both Justin and John standing beside him. “You hear all that?”

Both nodded and Brian said, “It’s late. I’ve got to make an appearance at the office tomorrow and I think you’ve got class, Sunshine.”

“I can skip it,” Justin suggested.

Brian shook his head. “No way,” he said, eyes reminding his lover that it was he who was financing his education.

“Does that mean I’m gonna be stuck here by myself until you two get home?”

Brian and Justin met each other’s eyes and then looked at the teen. “You can either go with Justin to the Institute. Or you can come with me to Kinnetik. I can put you to work running off stuff.”

“For free?” John asked, wrinkling his nose with distaste.

“No,” Brian said, grinning at his nephew. “I’ll pay you, you little shit. And it’ll keep you safe and under my watchful gaze.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” John snarked. “I’m fourteen, you know.”

“Yeah, kid, so you keep telling us. You think about and let me know. Now go to bed.”

John headed to the pile of blankets that covered the futon mattress and retrieved the goose-down comforter and the earplugs. He climbed fully clothed into the nest and curled up in a fetal position, knees drawn up to his chest. “You can have the bed, John.”

John turned to face Brian and shook his head. “I’m fine here. You guys take the bed.”

He started to put the earplugs in and Brian said, “Your mom said that she has a friend at work who can bring your twin bed over. Do you want to do that?”

“Yeah,” he said eagerly and Brian couldn’t help smiling at the kid’s enthusiasm. “Thanks, Uncle Brian.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, I thought I told you to stop calling me Uncle Brian.”

“Okay, Brian,” he said, smiling as he put the earplugs in his ears. 

Brian turned off the computer and lowered the volume on the ringer as he carried the portable phone up to their bedroom. “You think he’s going to call again?” Justin asked in a low voice.

“I don’t know,” Brian admitted. He let the towel drop to the floor and watched as Justin did the same. He slid into bed and waited silently as Justin slid in on his side. Brian moved closer to him and nestled his nose in Justin’s damp hair. “God, you smell good,” he murmured.

“You still horny?”

Brian hesitated a moment and then pulled the covers back as he stood. He proceeded to close all the panels that enclosed the bedroom before returning to bed. Justin watched his actions and wondered at them. Brian turned onto his side facing Justin. “I don’t want to fuck the kid up more, Justin. I don’t want to traumatize him.”

“I think the kid has a natural curiosity about what you and I do in bed, Brian. He asked me how often I jacked off, thinking about you. I think he’s confused and scared by what happened but I think he’s also intrigued by us, despite the vitriol he’s been fed by his mother and grandmother.”

Justin slid a hand between their bodies and trailed his fingers through the nest of Brian’s chestnut pubic hair. “What are you doing?” Brian whispered.

“Killing you with kindness.”

Brian turned onto his other side and reached for a condom and the bottle of lube when he hesitated. He looked over his shoulder at Justin and said, “I’m ready, are you?”

“What about talking to Miranda first? And the three months?”

“I don’t think I can wait that long.”

“I’m starting to feel guilty for suggesting we fuck raw.”

At the words, Brian lay back against the pillows and Justin moved so that he was lying astride him. He trailed his fingers through Justin’s hair and said, “I was pissed the first time you suggested it because you were so young. And I wasn’t exactly fucking only you. But ever since the diagnosis, I’ve been cutting back. And before the ride, I realized that a lot of times I only wanted to fuck you. There were times I went to the baths and could get hard but couldn’t get off.”

“Huh?”

“Fuck you, twat. It doesn’t happen to me often but it does happen.” Brian’s eyes dared him to make an old age crack. “And then I’d get home and you’d go down on me and it was like a frigging missile launch. One touch of your mouth on me and I’d shoot geysers.”

“What are you saying?”

“That it’s better with you than with anyone else. Because it means something and it’s not just fucking.”

Justin slowly shifted and felt Brian move underneath him. Their cocks brushed against each other and they met each other’s gaze. “Are you sure?”

“No. But I want to feel that with you. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone’s cum-load up my ass, Justin. I’ve always been the one delivering the load.”

Justin licked the long column of his throat and sucked on the place where throat met neck, then began to slowly progress down Brian’s torso. He twisted one of Brian’s nipples and felt the man wince at the pain, even as the nubbin began to harden under his touch. He did the same to the other and then replaced his finger with his mouth as he licked the area around the areola and then took the hardened point into his mouth, sucking lightly at first and then with greater intensity. Brian bucked on the bed and Justin paused for a moment, feeling him settle back down. “Don’t stop,” he hissed. The condom lay forgotten for the moment on the bed next to him as he was lost in the sensations Justin was providing to him. Leaving his nipples alone for the moment, he felt Justin’s tongue trail down his treasure line, nose nestling into his pubes. He couldn’t help shuddering and saw Justin look up at him. “Keep going,” he ordered.

Justin felt Brian’s cock under his cheek and avoided it with an effort that seemed Herculean in nature. Brian was fully aware that his lover was prolonging this as long as possible. Justin licked the curvature of his hip and then proceeded to trail his tongue along his thigh, finally reaching his ankle, licking the ankle bone. Brian couldn’t help groaning as his eyes went dark. He was nearly ready to beg to be fucked. Justin turned his attention to the other side of Brian’s body, noticing when Brian shifted, spreading his legs wider.

He paused and looked up at him. “Well?”

“Suck my dick,” Brian ordered.

“What do you want?”

“I want you to suck my cock,” he all but growled. He saw the faint hint of a smile grace Justin’s lips and nearly snarled at him. He knew the young blond was playing him and for the moment he couldn’t complain about being played.

“Really?”

“Hey, twat, I want you to suck my fucking cock. Now.”

“Yes, sir.”

Justin flicked his tongue over the sensitive skin encasing Brian’s balls and then drew one inside his mouth, rolling it slightly, tonguing it before turning his attention to the other. He could no longer tell which one was prosthetic and frankly, at this point in the game, he couldn’t have cared.

Brian writhed underneath the insistent motion of Justin’s tongue, hands fisting so tightly in Justin’s hair that he feared it might be painful for the young blond. He was so lost in the sensation that he gasped when he felt Justin’s hand brush against his cock as he continued to concentrate his attention on his sac.

Finally, Justin licked the vein that ran along the underside of Brian’s shaft, from base to tip. He opened his mouth and went down on him as Brian bucked up off the bed, forcing his cock deeper in Justin’s mouth. Justin, recognizing his lover’s need, relaxed his throat muscles. He didn’t want Brian to shoot just yet and he knew how close his lover was, so he pressed down on the spot behind his balls, to prevent an early orgasm.

Brian settled as Justin began to concentrate his attention on the flared head, gently flicking his tongue at the tip. “Jesus fucking Christ, Justin,” Brian moaned. He had never wanted his lover as much as he did at that moment. At that moment, Brian would have done just about anything Justin asked of him. No pride, no dignity, just lost in the sensation of his lover’s adoration of him. Brian was freely leaking pre-cum and felt Justin’s tongue swirl around the sensitive head. He gripped the sheets so tightly he feared he’d pull them loose from the mattress. 

Justin was fully aware of how close his lover was and slowly eased off, so that the head of Brian’s cock rested on his tongue. Then he let him spring free as Brian glanced at him in shock. “What—what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said, sitting back on his heels. “I just want to see you jack off.”

“You dirty boy.”

“Well, you once told me to have balls, so I’m asking you for what I want. I want you to bathe me in your jizz.”

Brian grinned at him and said, “I’ve taught you well, grasshopper.”

“Well?”

Brian paused for a moment and then smirked. He ran his hand up and down his shaft, using the pre-cum he was freely leaking as lubricant, eyes locked on his lover’s. He gently ran his hand up and down the shaft, noting just how sensitive he was. He could see from the gleam in Justin’s eyes that he was fully aware of the effect he was having on him. Cocky little fucker, Brian thought, as he began to move his hand faster on his cock.

Justin watched his lover whacking off and his tongue peeked out from between his two pink lips, hand drifting down to his own cock as he watched Brian. He was fully aware that he was closer than Brian was, that he’d been close to the edge since he’d sucked him. That taste was something he’d never get rid of; it was burned into his brain.

Brian’s hand was moving at a blur as Justin matched the frequency of his lover’s motions. He bit his lip as he felt his load surge up from his balls and began to shoot. His first shot landed on the tip of his nose, and his eyes turned inward trying to see where it was. “On me, Sunshine. Shoot on me,” Brian instructed as he moved his hand even faster, knowing as he did so that the sight of Justin shooting on him would push him over the edge.

Justin did as his lover ordered and milked his balls dry as Brian followed suit, moments later. Brian aimed high so that his jizz bathed Justin’s chin, some dripping down to land in the hollow of his throat, reminding him of a diamond. He glanced at his lover and saw the blond’s eyes were glazed with lust. Justin reached for the corner of the sheet to wipe the gleaming pearls from his chest and Brian shook his head. Giving him a curious glance, Brian said only, “Wet and sticky.”

Justin gave him a questioning glance and Brian sighed. At the familiar sound, Justin realized there was a story behind his lover’s request. “I once told Michael that it’s really love when you want to lie with your lover all wet and sticky after he’s shot.” Not sure what he expected, Brian became quiet after the admission. Sometimes Justin’s reactions were volatile when it came to Michael.

Justin straddled him, tongue tracing his bottom lip, nipping gently at it. He met Brian’s eyes and tilted his head back, a familiar move that was as much a request as an order. Brian recognized it for what it was and licked at the droplet of cum that had landed in the hollow his lover’s throat. He licked his lips and then kissed Justin, amused when Justin sucked the traces of cum from his tongue. 

“So you really love me?” Justin said when Brian broke the kiss.

“You’ve got no reason to doubt it,” Brian quietly admitted. “I may not say it all the time. But I couldn’t have gotten through these past few days without you by my side.”

“We’re better together than we are apart.”

Brian nodded and glanced down at his own torso which was streaked with Justin’s cum. “You were storing jizz, weren’t you?”

Justin laughed and then began to slowly lick the cum from Brian’s chest, some transferring from his torso to Justin’s chin as Brian’s eyes darkened again. Justin lifted his head and Brian pulled him towards him, ignoring the sudden flash of pain. He licked Justin’s chin and was rewarded when the blond smiled at him. He reached for the pack of cigarettes on the bedside table and lit one. He took a drag and then handed it to Justin. Justin took a drag, and then rested his head on Brian’s chest as the older man smoked silently. It may have been a cliché but it was an experience they’d shared together since the very beginning. When the cigarette was little more than a stub, Brian finally crushed it out. He slid down and Justin moved with him. Brian moved his legs apart and Justin was able to settle between them, Brian moving one leg so he anchored Justin in place, twining their limbs together. “I wanted you to fuck me,” he admitted. “But this was good too.”

“Glad you enjoyed it,” Justin said, fatigue creeping into his tone. 

“Sleep now, baby,” Brian said as he hit the button to turn off the blue neon lights. He wrapped his arms around Justin, holding the blond to him. He eased into sleep as the hour crept closer to dawn. 

John was the first to awaken, pulled from sleep by nature’s insistent call. He crept up the stairs, noticing that his uncle slept with Justin on top of him, arms holding him so close that he didn’t think anything could pry them apart. He noticed the wet towels on the floor in the bathroom and hung them up, figuring they’d been forgotten.

He peed and was creeping back into the bedroom to return to his pile of covers when he noticed that his uncle was awake. “You sleep okay?” Brian whispered, a hand caressing Justin’s creamy white back, an absent motion that conveyed the tenderness he felt for his lover.

“Yeah,” John whispered. “Thanks for not treating me like a scared kid.”

“I think you’re pretty fucking brave, kid,” Brian said, recognizing the words as ones he’d once uttered to Justin so long ago. It seemed a lifetime ago now.

John smiled slightly. “Um, if your offer still stands I’d like to go with you to Kinnetik.”

Brian nodded and said, “No problem. Cynthia will show you the ropes.”

“You have anything around here to eat for breakfast? I’m starving.”

Brian smiled and realized that he’d have another hungry young ‘un to feed. He could see the amount of his grocery bill increasing incrementally. “Yeah, there should be some cereal. We could catch something on the road if you wanted to.”

John smiled and spoke quietly, “You really love him, don’t you, uncle Brian?”

Brian pulled the sheet up over Justin as he noticed the blond’s skin was pimpling with goose bumps. “Yeah. I’d do just about anything for him, John. He’s my soul.”

John didn’t know quite what to say to that so he crept silently down the stairs. “Hey, kid,” Brian stage-whispered.

Turning around to face his uncle, John said, “Yeah?”

“You know how to make coffee?”

John nodded. Brian slipped out of bed and John flushed as he realized that Brian was fully nude. Noticing his nephew’s reaction, Brian grabbed for a pair of sweatpants. Never being embarrassed of his nudity and having flashed nearly everyone in their small community, Brian nevertheless felt guilty as he gave his nephew an unintentional view of the full Kinney package.

“Sorry,” Brian muttered.

John was speechless. “Um,” he murmured. Holy Christ, he thought. And Justin takes that up his ass?

Brian glanced at his nephew and then wryly said, “It’s not like you’ve never seen one before, kid. Stop gawking.”

Jolted out of his reverie, John could only glare at him. “I just—“ he began, then finally settled on saying, “Fuck you, Brian. I just didn’t expect to be flashed.”

For the first time, Brian considered the possibility that the priest’s words, however maliciously delivered, might have merit. He reached for a copy of the Rage comic which had JT melting Rage’s cold heart and tossed it to John. “What do you think about that?”

John flushed and looked down at the cover. His eyes lingered for a moment and Brian felt a dawn of recognition. If the kid wasn’t intrigued, he’d have dropped the comic to the floor and been obviously appalled. John flipped through the pages and stopped on a section that had JT paying lavish attention to Rage’s dick. He looked at his uncle and handed the comic back to him. His hands went to cover his package and then he turned tail and ran into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Brian followed him and could hear the great gulping sobs from inside the bathroom. Shit, Kinney, that wasn’t kind. He knew full well that Justin was the better person to handle this. He glanced at his sleeping lover who had cuddled his pillow like a teddy bear and then back at the bathroom door. Seemed it was up to him. He turned the knob, relieved when it opened. He’d figured the kid would lock the door behind him. He saw John standing in the shower jacking off. Well, fuck me, he thought, turning away. He knew the instant John realized he wasn’t alone in the bathroom. “Get the fuck out!”

“My bathroom, John. You need to jack off there’s no need to hide like a scared little girl in the bathroom. We’re all men, here.”

John gave his uncle a baleful look, then reached for a washcloth to wipe his dick clean. “My mom says it’s a nasty, filthy habit,” he finally said.

“It’s perfectly natural,” he responded. “You’ve got the Kinney package, John. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. You should be pretty fucking proud that you didn’t get stinted in that department.”

“You shouldn’t have looked.”

“You don’t really think I’m going to hurt you, do you?”

John hesitantly shook his head. “I’m just not used to someone as comfortable with their sexuality as you are. I’ve always been taught that masturbation is wrong, no matter the circumstance.”

“Did the comic book turn you on or was it just because it’s early in the morning and you sprung a wood?”

“I don’t know,” he answered miserably.

Brian took a deep breath and then said, “Do you want to find out?”

“Mom says I should find a good little Catholic girl and marry her and have babies. That’s what I should want.”

“What do you want, John? Forget about your mom and the church and your grandmother for a minute. Just think about what you, John Padraic Brennan, want.”

John crept out of the shower and closed the toilet, so he was sitting on it, the towel covering his genitals. He finally met his uncle’s eyes. “What the priest did made me feel dirty but I shot my load, Brian. When I looked at the picture on the comic, I got hard. But I get hard when I look at pictures of girls like Lindsay Lohan too. I think about sex all the time.”

“Natural. All teenage boys are horny, John. It’s a fact of life. I’d be worried if you weren’t jacking off.”

“I’m confused!”

Join the club, kid, Brian thought, but wisely refrained from saying it. “I knew when I was fourteen that I was gay, John. I’d go into the locker room and compare my dick to the other guys, knowing that I had most of them beat in that department. I got hard watching them soap themselves up, watching them soap their dick and balls. But when I saw the coach watching me through his office window one afternoon, I knew that here was someone who could grant me what I was dreaming about at night. The images that I was jacking off to didn’t involve girls. And it was good with the coach at first. He told me all the things I didn’t hear from my old man. And I’ll never forget the first time he fucked me.”

“Didn’t you ever date a girl, Brian?”

“My son’s mother, Lindsay. I dated her in college. We were involved for a little while and she got pregnant. She ended up losing the baby, though. And I knew she was a dyke before she did and then I dropped the news on her that I preferred dick.”

“It was weird when I kissed Stacy Burke at school, Brian,” John admitted. “She felt odd to me.”

Brian suppressed a sigh. “Experimentation is good. I did a lot of experimenting. I was fifteen the first time I fucked another guy, John. It changed me, but I knew that was what I wanted. That the mere thought of having my dick up another guy’s ass was what made me hard.”

John stared at his uncle and quietly said, “Is it okay that I don’t know who I want?”

“Yeah, kid, it’s okay. I’m not trying to push you into either mold. If you like girls, that’s fine. If you like boys, that’s fine. If you like both, that’s okay, too. But at some point you’re going to be confronted with a situation where you have control and you’re not being dominated by some fucking pervert like Father Patrick.”

“I saw your porn that day I took your bracelet,” John admitted. “And the beads.”

“I heard what you said to Justin about the beads. How do you know about that?”

“Um, Father Patrick showed me a magazine and then a video.”

Motherfucker, Brian thought, feeling the rage rise. “I’m sorry, John. This is no way for a kid to learn about his sexual identity.”

“You knew when you were fourteen,” John reminded him.

“Yeah, I did. That doesn’t mean I want you to follow in my footsteps, John. I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years. I’ve put myself in situations that were dangerous. I’ve played Russian roulette with my health.”

John stared hard at him, and Brian finally flinched under the gaze. “I’m terrified.”

“You can talk to me, you know. I’m not going to go run and get the Bible every time you have a question about sex. I’m not going to punish you for whacking off. And as long as you’re honest with me about where you’re going and what you’re doing, I’m not going to be riding your ass.” Brian paused and then said, “Okay, bad choice of words but you know what I mean. I’m not your mother, John. I’m probably the easiest person to talk to about sex because I’ve been where you’re standing. And you can talk to Justin. He’s a pretty cool guy.”

“Is he still going to California?”

“He says no but he still needs to talk to the producer.”

“Do you want him to go?”

“No,” Brian admitted.

“Scared to be alone with me?” asked John, with a smirk.

“Little asshole,” Brian said, and then grimaced as he realized he’d used one of Debbie’s favorite insults. “Sorry. No, I’m not scared to be alone with you. I’ll just miss him if he goes.”

“You’re really in love with him, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am. But I haven’t always felt that way about him. He’s always felt that way about me but it took me longer to come to the same conclusion.”

“Scared?”

“Yeah, I was fucking terrified of falling in love with Justin. Our relationship bothers a lot of people, John. He’s twenty-one now, but at the beginning, everyone thought I was nuts, including me.” He glanced at his nephew and said, “Get dressed and I’ll buy you breakfast.”

“What about Sunshine?” John said.

“My nickname for him,” Brian corrected. “That’s my nickname for him. Mikey calls him boy wonder but Sunshine is mine.”

Recognizing the deadly serious tone of his uncle’s voice, John nodded. “Can we get pancakes?”

“Yeah, kid, we can get pancakes,” Brian responded. He watched John make a hasty retreat, pulling on his jeans and then rifling through his backpack for a clean t-shirt. 

He sat down on the edge of the bed and glanced down at his sleeping lover. He tucked the sheet closer to Justin’s body and gently kissed him on the forehead. He wrote a note letting him know that he’d taken John to breakfast and then they were heading into Kinnetik. 

He opened the doors to his closet and removed a burgundy shirt and a charcoal tie, then reached for his Armani charcoal slacks and jacket. Finally dressed, he knelt down and retrieved a box from underneath his bed. He removed his cowry shell bracelet.

“Brian, what are you doing?” John asked.

Brian startled and then said, “Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to sneak up on people?”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” 

“I wanted to see why mom and grandma hated your life so much.”

“It never occurred to you to just ask me?”

“You hated me.” 

“Yeah, well,” Brian sighed. “Yeah, I guess I did. I haven’t handled dealing with you and your brother very well, have I?”

John shook his head and smiled ruefully. “Well, neither have I. I found the beads and some porn tapes when I looked under your bed when you were in the shower. I saw the fake cocks.”

“Dildos,” Brian corrected him, and then felt himself blush. “Those fake cocks are called dildos.”

“I do believe that the great sex god is embarrassed,” John crowed.

Reminded slightly of Justin at seventeen, by the mocking tone of John, Brian glared at him and said, “Let’s just go get some fucking breakfast.”

“Can you say a sentence without using that word, Brian?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never had to try,” he said, aware his tone was snarky.

“Want to make a bet?”

Brian’s eyes narrowed as he followed his nephew down the stairs. He stopped to grab his cell phone, his wallet, and his keys and then opened the loft door and closed it quietly behind him, stopping to lock it. Once they were en route to the restaurant, Brian asked, “So what’s the bet?”

“If you can go all day without saying the word ‘fucking’ or ‘fuck’, I’ll clean the loft.”

“And if I can’t?”

“You have to buy me an I-Pod.”

Brian laughed. “You’re on, kid.”

Since he fully expected to win the bet, Brian was full of his usual cockiness. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been. 

He watched with amusement as John dug into a pile of Belgian waffles. The kid definitely had an appetite and he ate as if he was starving. The waitress poured him another cup of coffee and Brian drank the coffee quietly.

When John finally ate the last saturated bite of waffle, Brian felt relief. He glanced at his watch and said, “You ready to go?”

John nodded. “So your office is an old bathhouse? What exactly does that mean?”

How to explain this delicately, he wondered. “It’s a place where gay men went to congregate and have anonymous sex. There were various rooms for various activities.”

John stared at him and Brian felt uncomfortable. “What else?”

“Um, some of the rooms had drains in the floor and others had sunken tubs for other activities. Some had showers.”

John sagely nodded and Brian felt relieved that his nephew wasn’t asking more prying questions. John was fully aware that his uncle had to watch his words in the explanation and thought that he’d have no trouble winning the wager. Somehow he’d figured out that his uncle hated losing.  
When Justin woke up, he found the loft empty. He rolled over and found the note Brian had left him. Padding naked downstairs, he felt slightly itchy and then remembered that he hadn’t showered after his late night sortie with Brian. He poured a bowl of cereal and then sat cross-legged on one of the pillows as he watched a morning cartoon.

He finished the cereal and was rinsing the bowl out when he heard a knock on the front door. Not expecting anyone, he padded naked to the front door, rationalizing that if Brian could do it so could he. He opened the door and was greeted with the unwelcome early morning visit of Hunter.

“Dude, go put some fucking pants on,” Hunter said, forcing his way inside.

Justin rolled his eyes and returned upstairs to put his sweatpants on. When he returned he found Hunter flipping through the channels.

“Why are you here?” Justin asked, in a world-weary tone.

Hunter inhaled and then smiled cockily. “You smell,” he said.

“How observant of you,” Justin drawled. “Brian and I fucked all night long. What do you want, Hunter? Did your daddy send you?”

Hunter glared at him and said, “No, Michael and the professor don’t know I’m here. I want to find out if you can fix the problem between Michael and the stud.”

“That’s between them, Hunter.”

“And you can’t tell me that you don’t have any influence with the stud, Boy Wonder. You are the one sharing his bed, after all.”

Justin narrowed his eyes and said, “What the fuck did Mikey tell you, rent-boy?”

“Just that Brian made him give him his key and told him that you were his family.”

“Your foster father likes to watch my lover in action, rent-boy. And don’t call me Boy Wonder. I hate that fucking nickname.”

“Then don’t call me rent-boy. I’m retired.”

“But you’d be more than willing to come out for one last performance if Brian gave you the slightest bit of encouragement.”

“Yep,” Hunter said, grinning.

“Not gonna happen. What’s going on with Michael and Brian has to be fixed by them. The last time I stepped in to fix things between them was the last time. Michael has fucked me over when it comes to me and Brian more times than I care to count. I have no desire to help him.”

Hunter glared at him and said, “You know that if you really cared about the stud, you’d fix things between him and his best friend.”

“Hunter, you have no idea how I feel about Brian. I’d do just about anything humanly possible for Brian. I love him that much. But I’m not going to step in to fix things between him and Michael. My relationship with Brian is not a three-way and neither is his relationship with Brian.”

“But—“

Justin shook his head. “Go on to school, Hunter. You tried. Stay out of this.”

Shrugging, Hunter said resignedly, “Okay, okay. You don’t have to be an asshole. I’m going.”

Justin shut the door behind Hunter and locked it. He picked up the portable phone and called the number for the superintendent. “Yes, this is Justin Taylor, Brian Kinney’s partner. We need to get the call box downstairs fixed and we also need the locks changed.”

He listened a moment and then said, “Thank you.”

Half an hour later, Justin was clean and on his way to school. While he hated public transportation, there was no other choice when he hated the idea of Brian buying him a car. But he was beginning to realize that he just might have to bend a little. The presence of John Brennan was changing everything.


	14. Complications of the Mind

Justin was halfway to school when his cell phone rang. He felt a slight smile trace his lips as he read the call display. “Hey,” his voice softened. “You okay?”

In the café, Brian felt some of the tension he felt ease away. Amazing how just the sound of Justin’s voice could calm him down, though he’d never admit to that fact. “Yeah,” he responded, taking a sip of coffee. “The kid is in the bathroom. He eats more than you, by the way. I didn’t think that was possible.”

Justin gripped the seat as the bus took a wide right turn, holding onto his messenger bag with the other hand. Public transportation sucked. “I’m glad things are going okay between you and John. I, um, I called the super about the callbox and getting the locks re-keyed.”

“You pick out a code, yet?” Brian asked, setting the empty coffee cup down and realizing that it was one of the few decisions about the loft that Justin hadn’t just ended up shoving back on him. That bore thinking about.

“I was thinking our initials but with the numbers that correspond to the letters. Not in order, of course. I think it’s easy for us to remember and won’t be that easy for Michael to guess. Not like our birthdays or 6969.”

Wishing desperately for a nicotine fix and irritated over the fact that he couldn’t just light up in the restaurant, Brian settled for pulling one out of his pack and sticking it behind his ear. “Brilliant, Sunshine. Make it so. Anything else happen after I booked with John?”

There was a slight hesitation and then Justin said, “The littlest hustler found showed up at the loft. He wanted my help in repairing the rift between you and Michael.”

“What’d you tell him?” Where the fuck is John? It doesn’t take that long to take a fucking piss, he thought, irritated.

“That you and Michael would have to work it on your own. That our relationship wasn’t a three-way.”

“Is that it?”

“Um, I might have mentioned the fact that Michael has fucked things up between us more times than I care to count.”

Justin became silent after his pronouncement and worried that he’d said too much. He needn’t have worried. Brian reached for one of the kid’s abandoned home fries and dragged it through the pool of ketchup on his plate, before popping it into his mouth.

“I’m too pissed at Michael right now to talk to him.” It was a moment before he added, “And you aren’t wrong.”

Justin nearly sighed in relief at Brian’s words. “You planning on keeping John with you the entire day?”

“Don’t know yet. He’s confused and scared and angry. A lot like me at his age, actually. But I had Mikey and Deb. I think I’ll just play it by ear. You want to meet for lunch?”

“Sure,” responded Justin. “Send me a text message to tell me where.”

Brian smiled as John finally emerged from the bathroom. He raised an eyebrow and John responded with the patented Kinney smirk. “Gotta go. Later.”

“Later.”

Brian stuffed the phone back in the pocket of his suit and met his nephew’s eyes. “Lose the bet yet?”

“Nope. You ready to go?”

At John’s nod, Brian tossed some bills down on the table and they left the restaurant. A few minutes later, they arrived at Kinnetik. Brian saw Cynthia’s midnight blue Accord and realized that his assistant was already there. Good, he thought. He glanced at his nephew who had a curious expression on his face.

“Something wrong?” Brian asked, reaching for his attaché case and glancing at his silent, brooding nephew.

“No, just thinking.”

“Thinking tends to get the Kinney men in trouble. If you want to talk, John, let me know.”

John nodded and followed Brian inside. He was immediately struck at how much light was let in through the blasted cube windows. “Hey, boss,” Cynthia said, resplendent in a midnight blue suit which accentuated the honey hue of her blond hair. She started to say something more when she noticed the teen standing next to him. She raised an eyebrow as she waited for an explanation.

“Cynthia, this is my nephew John Brennan. John, this is my assistant/creative director Cynthia McClellan.”

To her credit, Cynthia kept her composure though she was curious as to why her boss would have his sister’s oldest son in tow. It was an established fact that he didn’t get along too well with his family. She’d been there on more than one occasion when his sister had flown out of the office, irritation and agitation clear in every move. “Nice to meet you, John.”

“You too, Miss McClellan,” John said.

“Cynthia, please. Miss McClellan makes me feel too old and like some schoolmarm.”

“Well, you are old,” Brian snarled.

“Not as old as you,” she retorted, giving her boss a warning glance.

“Point taken. So I told him that we have some filing and copying that needs to be done. Can you set him up, please?”

Cynthia nodded and took John with her on an impromptu tour and then left him with a stack of documents to copy while she went back to her own desk. She paused outside Brian’s door and then knocked. “Come in,” he barked.

“So spill, Kinney? Why do you have your sister’s kid with you?”

“Long story, Cyn,” Brian said, finally looking up from the fax that Telson’s people had sent over. “He’s staying with me for a little while.”

“The dragon lady is allowing that?” Cynthia had been privy to Claire’s acidic tongue more times than she cared to recall. She’d much rather deal with a mercurial Brian than Claire, though there were days when she’d wanted to throttle him.

“She doesn’t have much of a choice. Look, I may have to shuffle some meetings and trips around. I may need you to be prepared to go to Chicago to meet with Brown at the end of this week.”

“He prefers dealing with you,” she reminded him.

“I’m aware of that. I’m also aware that you are a damn good adwoman, in your own right. And you would have hit the ‘glass ceiling’ at Vanguard had you stayed. Think of it as baptism by fire.”

“Okay. You need me to do anything else?”

“Keep him out of trouble. I need to list the ‘vette and as soon as Theodore comes in, I need to talk to him.”

“Sure boss,” Cynthia said, turning to leave his office.

“Hey, Cyn?”

“Yeah,” she said, pausing in the doorway.

“I need to talk to you about something. Can you close the door behind you?”

Doing so, Cynthia returned to his desk, and Brian said, “Sit. I’m not going to slit your throat, for Christ’s sake.”

Since she still looked nervous and he actually wasn’t intending that response for once, Brian took a deep breath. He reached for the sterling silver cigarette case that Justin had bought him for his birthday. Watching her boss with an idle curiosity and having to sit on her hands because she was nervous, Cynthia finally burst out with a, “Tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it.”

Brian barked a short laugh and then said, “You asked me about Telson. Remember?”

“Yeah. I wanted to know why we didn’t land the account when we were working for Marty. You were so reticent about talking about it and I know Ryder busted your balls when we didn’t get it.”

Brian inwardly winced; she was right. “Telson had a family, Cyn. But on business trips he liked to fuck men. He asked me to take him to Babylon and I did. Then he invited me to his hotel room. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that he was proposing a business meeting. I went to see him, knowing full well that he expected me to have sex with him to get the account. I proceeded to get comfortable and then the phone rang. One of his kids had gotten hurt and his wife was pretty hysterical, wanting him to come home. He was more interested in me and when I called down to the concierge to arrange transport to the airport, he was pissed. He asked how I was going to explain to Ryder that I didn’t land the account and I told him that we weren’t able to satisfy his requirements.”

“So we didn’t land the account because of your morality?” Brian wouldn’t fuck the guy so we lost his account? She wondered incredulously but wisely didn’t say her thoughts aloud.

“I prefer to think of it as a noble act. But I wouldn’t sleep with him and he pulled his business.”

“I don’t know whether to respect you or strangle you. After all, it wasn’t too long afterwards that you fucked the guy at the Atlas Awards.” Oh shit, she thought, realizing what she’d just revealed.

Brian cocked an eyebrow at her. “You watched?”

She colored and slowly nodded. “Um, yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry’s bullshit,” he responded. He was rather amused but decided to let her twist in the wind for a little while. “Water under the bridge. Not pissed.”

She pushed her chair back from his desk and said, “I’ll list the ‘vette and keep an eye on John. You taking all calls today or screening?”

“Put everyone through except Michael and Melanie.”

“Michael?” Cynthia asked.

Brian shuffled some pages on his desk, avoiding her questioning gaze, and finally ground out, “And Michael. That’s all. Close the door behind you.”

It was midway through the morning when he heard the tentative knock on his door. Looking up from the stack of ad copy and e-mail, Brian growled, “Come in at your own peril.”

Ted poked his head in and Brian relaxed. He set the pen down and motioned him inside.

“What’s up, boss?”

“Theodore, I need to know how much I can liquidate within the next couple of days.”

“Planning on making a big purchase?”

“Yeah, I’m planning on buying the loft underneath mine. I need to know how much I can offer as a down payment and I need to get a car for Justin.”

“I thought he was going to California,” Ted said, then realized he’d revealed too much.

Brian’s eyes narrowed and he fixed Ted with an intense glare that caused the other man to squirm under the gaze. “Who told you that?”

“Michael.”

Brian lit his tenth cigarette of the day, inhaling deeply, before blowing the smoke out in a perfect circle. He counted to fifty and then up to a hundred before responding. “It’s not definite. I asked him to move in with me and he said yes. I don’t know if he’s going to California.”

Ted, mild-mannered accountant that he was, had always sort of hero-worshiped Brian. He’d envied Brian and imagined what it would be liked to be fucked by Brian but this—this was absolutely different. Brian’s whole voice and demeanor got softer when he talked about Justin and he couldn’t miss the razor sharp edge when he talked about his best friend. Something is not alright in Michael-and-Brian land, Ted observed silently. “I’ll get the figures for you. I saw the kid in the copy room. He belong to you?”

At that, Brian smiled. “He’s my nephew, John. Long story.”

“The same John who accused you of sexual abuse?” Ted asked incredulously. Michael had shared all the gory details of that ride home after Brian spent the night in a holding cell.

“Yes, Theodore. Now go do whatever the fuck accountants do best and leave me to handle my own personal business.”

“Aye, aye, Captain Kinney,” Ted responded with a crisp salute.

By a quarter to noon, Brian was ready to kill something or someone. The ad copy was all wrong and he was getting a headache. The only saving grace was that Cynthia had managed to list the Corvette and John was doing a great job with copying and collating pages. Seemed the kid had a natural aptitude. All he needed was a little honing, Brian thought.

John poked his head in his uncle’s office door and said, “Um, Uncle Brian.”

Brian looked up and felt his features soften somewhat. “Yeah?”

“I’m hungry.”

Brian saved the letter he was drafting to Telson and put his system on standby before standing up and stretching. “Let me piss and then we’ll go. I told Justin we’d meet him for lunch.” He glanced back at his nephew and said, “You can go home with him, if you want. I’ll have Cynthia cut you a check for today.”

He was surprised and appreciative when John shook his head. “She’s really cool. And hot,” he added almost as an afterthought, amused to see his uncle shudder. “I’ll stay until you decide to go home.”

“You think Cynthia’s hot?”

“Well, yeah,” John said.

Brian shrugged his shoulders and disappeared into his private bathroom, wondering about teenagers and who they thought worthy of the label ‘hot’. At least, he hadn’t made the observation about Meg, Brian rationalized. And were he straight, Brian acknowledged, he probably would have banged Cynthia on principle, were it not for the possibility of a sexual-harassment suit.

Half an hour later, the trio were ensconced in a private booth at a French bistro that during the day didn’t require a dress code. For that, John and Justin were grateful while Brian was amused. He glanced at his lover and nephew and realized that this wasn’t what he’d imagined at the age of thirty-three. Hell, he hadn’t even thought that far ahead, thinking he’d end up going out in a blaze of glory. Shaking the mordant thoughts from his head before they could take root and end up ruining his appetite and lunch, Brian met the hazel eyes of his nephew and the blues of his lover’s.

“What?” he finally snapped, uncomfortable with their scrutiny.

“You’re testy,” Justin observed, receiving a withering glare from Brian which foretold bad things happening later. 

“John thinks Cynthia’s hot,” Brian said, ignoring the glare his nephew shot in his direction. So, it was childish and immature, but Brian was feeling itchy all over. And he knew it wasn’t from the fine blend of his suit. What the fuck is bothering me? He wondered.

Justin grinned, knowing full well that when Brian slipped into immaturity it was a sign of his discomfort. Only usually he did it when he was stoned or drunk so this was new even for Brian, who had more mood swings than Texas weather. Brian’s hand was fisted on top of the table and Justin reached out, gently brushing his palm across the top of Brian’s knuckles. At the slight touch, Brian’s hand unfurled like a butterfly’s wings and he intertwined his finger’s with Justin’s. 

It was only when John cleared his throat that the two adults remembered they weren’t alone. “What?” Brian snapped.

“PDA makes me uncomfortable,” John said, trading a sidelong glance with Justin, his partner in crime and mischief.

“It’s not like we’re fucking on the table, John,” Brian snarled, remembering too late the bet. His eyes narrowed at his nephew and then he found himself smiling. The kid was part Kinney, after all.

To his credit, John didn’t crow. He simply smirked at his uncle and said, “I-Pod.”

Brian snapped his menu open, pretending to lose himself in the menu options even though he knew perfectly well what he was going to order. He always ordered the same thing and he criticized others for predictability? Finally, he set the menu down to meet the amused faces of his dining companions.

“Fuck it,” Brian said. “You get the I-Pod. Anything else you want?”

John might have answered that, had Justin’s elbow not made impact with his side. Inhaling sharply, John simply shook his head. The limits of Brian’s generosity was not boundless and he was rapidly becoming aware of that fact. 

Later that evening, Brian and a tired John stumbled into the loft, looking as if the hounds of hell themselves were after them. Justin glanced at both of them and took the briefcase from Brian, saying only, “You go shower now. I’ll take care of the kid.”

“Dinner?” Brian asked, hopefully, allowing Justin to take his suit jacket. He would have smiled when Justin began to undo his tie but he was dead on his feet.

“Yeah, baby, I fixed dinner. Cassoulet. It’s a Cajun dish I think you’ll like it.”

“Hotlanta hiding here somewhere?”

Not amused at the reminder, Justin steered him in the direction of the bathroom. He looked at John who simply shrugged. “How’d it go?”

John took a seat at the bar and watched Justin add some cayenne pepper to the mixture. “He’s really good at what he does. I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, neither did I.”

“What?”

Justin turned the heat down under the pan and met John’s hazel eyes, noting how similar they were to Brian’s. If not for certain things, John could be Brian’s son. “I used to be really resentful of Brian and his job. We planned this great trip to Vermont a few years back and Brian ended up not being able to go because of business. I was really pissed off at him and ended up going without him. I came back and things were tense between us from then on.”

“You left him, right?”

“Not my finest hour. Yeah, I left him. Biggest mistake of my life. Too many people who say they love him have ended up hurting him, John. I promised him that when we got back together I’d never hurt him again.”

“Are you going to California?”

“Set the table, John,” Justin said, indicating the table that they’d set up in the nook. He and Brian rarely used the table, preferring to eat on the pillows. He handed John the napkins and silverware. While John was setting the table, Justin found Brian sitting on their bed.

“You okay?” he asked, sitting down next to him, wrapping an arm around Brian.

“I heard what you said about Vermont.”

Justin felt Brian lean into him and then said, “I was just telling him how I didn’t understand then that business often comes first. I didn’t understand your responsibilities.”

“You weren’t an obligation, Justin. I wanted to pay for you to go to the Institute, to see your dreams realized.”

“Did you give up a dream, Brian?”

“I didn’t dream a lot as a kid, Justin. I was an old man living in a child’s body by the time I was ten. I look at Gus and it’s so important to me that he have everything I didn’t as a child. I can’t ever fix our aborted trip to Vermont. You’ll never know how much I wanted to share that with you. And I was willing to take the hits to my reputation. The great Brian Kinney going on a romantic trip with his boyfriend.” Brian hesitated, and then said, “I want John to have a childhood, Justin. I don’t want him to graduate from high school feeling that there’s nobody in his corner.”

“He’s got you,” Justin said softly. “And me.”

John had paused in setting the table, hearing their conversation. He felt himself tearing up and realized that despite everything that had been said and done by he and his uncle, his uncle was still willing to have his back. He wasn’t willing to fuck that up. He crossed to the bottom of the stairs and said, “The table’s set. Do you guys want me to serve the cassoulet?”

It was Brian who stood first and shook his head. “I’ll help you.”

They finished dinner and John posed a hopeful question, “Dessert?”

Justin and Brian looked at each other and grinned. “How about bananas foster?”

“What’s that?”

“Bananas flamed with brandy and caramelized sugar. And vanilla ice cream.”

Brian groaned and said, “None for me. That’s an extra hour on the treadmill.”

“I’m sure you’ll work it off,” John said, with a knowing smirk.

“Go watch Barney,” Brian snapped, though he was more amused than irritated. He could see a lot of himself in John.

John simply stuck out his tongue and disappeared into the bathroom while Justin and Brian cleared the dishes. “So what happened today?”

“Cynthia listed the Corvette. I had Ted go over my financials and we can make an offer on the downstairs loft. I also want you to reconsider my offer to buy you a VW Bug.”

“Okay.”

“Because I think you’ll need a car and—” he paused and then looked at Justin. “Okay?”

“Okay. I was riding the bus this morning and realized that with John living with us and the potential of having Gus on a more permanent basis, it’s ridiculous for me to refuse on the basis of pride.”

“I’m not your sugar-daddy,” Brian warned.

“I’m aware of that. But you are cream-filled and I love your cream,” Justin said, leaning into his lover as Brian set a plate in the draining pan.

“You reminded me of that fact last night, dirty boy. But I still want to fuck you.”

John emerged a few minutes later and Brian gave him a questioning glance. “I thought you guys needed a chance to talk alone. Can I help with the dessert, Justin?”  
Surprised by the offer, Justin simply nodded. “Sure.” He turned to Brian and said, “And you?”

“I’m going to the gym.”

“Not the baths?”

“If I was going to the baths, I’d tell you. No, I’m going to work out. I may call Lindsay. She told me she found an apartment that she thought I’d approve of.”

“What about a condo or town house?”

Brian stared at him. “I told her no because if she and Smelly Mel do get back together, she’ll have another mortgage and I don’t want to wind up co-signing on something that will just end up in default.”

“That’s practical.”

Brian pecked him on the lips and went to change while Justin showed John the fine art of making bananas foster.


	15. Complications of the Mind

Brian was doing reps when a shadow cast him in darkness. He looked up and saw the glaring countenance of his best friend’s husband looking down at him. Brian reached for the towel and sat up. “Ben,” he said cautiously.

“You hurt him, Brian. You really hurt him.”

“He let himself into my home and proceeded to criticize my visitors. Then he had the nerve to say that Justin isn’t my family, that he’s just a trick. I have every right to be pissed off at him. I don’t need you stepping in to save your wife’s honor.”

He started to walk away when Ben’s words stopped him cold. “Sometimes I wish you had fucked him. I put a ring on his fucking finger and you still have this mysterious, mystical hold on him. We were the ones who fucked, Brian, and you’re still fucking me over.”

Brian turned back to face him and said, “I offered to fuck him, Ben. He turned me down flat. And what happened between us was a long time ago.”

“It still makes me hard. Can you deny that you get turned on remembering that weekend?”

“Not the point, Ben. But, to answer your question, no. I still remember most of what happened that weekend. It was fucking hot. What do you want me to do?”

“Fix this.”

Brian sighed and finally said, “He’s your husband. I’ve got a partner, Ben. I love Justin and I’m not going to allow some petty shit with Michael to fuck that up. Michael needs to grow the fuck up.”

“What if I gave you carte blanche?” Ben didn’t like making the suggestion but he knew that it still bothered Michael that he’d had something with Brian that Michael hadn’t had with Brian.

Brian hated himself for the moment he gave to considering Ben’s proposition. “Justin made the same suggestion. I’m going to tell you the same thing I told him. If I fucked Michael, I’d be cheating on him. I’d really be unfaithful to him.”

“Every time you fuck someone else you’re being unfaithful to him,” Ben pointed out, ever the practical one.

Shaking his head, Brian said, “No, because if I fucked Michael, we’d all know that it wasn’t just a trick. It would be something more. And it would cement things between me and Mikey. For a long time he was the one I needed, Ben. He was the one I’d call in the middle of the night when I was feeling on edge. He’s the one who picked up the pieces in the hospital after Justin got hurt. But Justin’s the one who was by my side when my mom found out that I like fucking guys. Justin’s the one who had my back when the shit went down with Stockwell and after I lost my job. Justin is the one who came back to me when I had cancer and fought for us. Justin is the person who gave me the incentive to push myself across that finish line when every muscle in my body was just screaming for me to give up. We’re not a dynamic duo, Ben. And we’re not a clusterfuck.”

Ben stared at Brian for a moment and then nodded slowly. “Okay, Brian. Okay.”

“You pissed?”

“No, just glad that you finally made a choice.”

“It would never have worked between me and Mikey, Ben. He and I would never have worked. He would never have the patience to deal with me when I close down emotionally. Justin has the strength that Michael doesn’t. And he loves me because of my faults. I love Justin, Ben. And it’s in a whole different category than what I feel for Michael. He forced me to make a choice and he doesn’t like the choice I made.”

“I bet Debbie doesn’t like it either.”

“I think Debbie understands. She’s known for a long time that I was in love with Justin, that if I was ever going to find someone to stick it out with me, it wouldn’t be her son.” Brian picked up his towel and glanced at Ben. “I won’t offer to fuck Michael again. Until he accepts the fact that I’ve grown up and am capable of making my own choices, I can’t talk to him or hang out with him. And keep the little hustler away from me and mine.”

“I understand,” Ben said, extending his hand to Brian. Then Brian’s words about Hunter penetrated his brain and he said, “Hunter paid you a visit?”

“He paid Justin a visit saying that it was up to Justin to fix things between me and Michael.”

“Christ, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

Shrugging, Brian said, “I know you didn’t know. I also know that Hunter came of his own impetus not because someone sent him. But he’s still a kid even if he’s a former hustler. Justin told him that he wouldn’t fix this between me and Michael because Michael’s fucked things up between us too many times. It’s the truth, Ben.”

“Got it,” Ben said, nodding sagely. “I’ll talk to my partner and my son. Family dinners are going to be awkward for a while, I guess.”

“No family dinners until my life gets a little less fucked up.” Brian glanced at the clock on the wall and cursed. “I’ve got to get back.”

He hit the showers and returned to the loft a half hour later to find Justin and John playing video games. “Hey, John, can you pause that for a moment?”

John made a sound of protest but hit the pause button on his controller, turning to face his uncle. “What?”

“My friend Miranda Jameson wants to talk to you and me.”

“A shrink?!”

Brian winced at the tone and then nodded. “Yes, she’s a shrink. But she’s also a really good friend of mine. She’s helped me and Justin get over some rough patches. And if you’re going to be staying here with me and Justin, we need to talk about some stuff.”

“More rules?” 

Brian and Justin exchanged smiles at the question, both remembering the discussion at Debbie’s table after Justin’s ill-fated flight to the Big Apple. “Yeah, more rules. But I don’t think it’s anything you can’t live with. It won’t be like living with the Warden, or your mom.”

“What about school?”

“I need to talk to the school but I think we can get you the makeup work and then enroll you next semester.”

“I don’t want to get too far behind.”

“How were your grades?” Did I just ask someone how his grades were? Brian avoided looking at Justin, knowing that the younger man’s eyes were bound to be sparkling with humor. It was a fucking joke, like a fucking French farcical comedy of epic proportions that Brian Aidan Kinney, the fucking sex god of Liberty Ave, was asking about someone’s grades.

“Some ‘A’s and some ‘B’s, a ‘C’ in my science class.”

“I can help with that,” Brian said. 

Justin grinned at him. “Don’t teach the kid how to make synthetic cum, Brian. Or how to make a stink bomb. The administration is likely to think he’s making some terrorist threat or some bullshit even if it is just a stupid prank.”

Brian glared at him while John watched with widened eyes. “Fuck you, twat,” Brian spat out. “I’m not gonna turn the kid into some fucking juvenile delinquent.”

“Simmer down, Mufasa.”

“Fuck you, Simba. I know how to raise a cub and I think I did a pretty damn good job. Look at you!”

Brian stood and stomped over to the drink cart, magnificent in his ill-conceived rage. He poured a few fingers of scotch into a crystal tumbler and clomped up the stairs, flopping down on his back in bed. “And he calls you a drama princess?” John whispered, glancing at Justin, who looked torn between amusement and irritation. Irritation seemed to be winning out over amusement.

“Yeah, he calls me a drama princess. And Brian can be a drama queen of epic proportions when he wants to be.”

“How long is he gonna sit up there and sulk?”

Justin shrugged and said, “Wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

In the bedroom, Brian set the tumbler down on his night table and got up to find the ornate box which held his party favors. He opened the box and withdrew an amber vial and a straw along with a mirror. He set the accoutrements out on the top of the dresser and proceeded to lay out a couple of lines. Justin was fully aware of his lover’s actions and so he found his boyfriend about to snort a line. “Don’t do it, Bri.”

“I can get high if I want to. You aren’t my mother,” Brian snarled at him.

“The kid doesn’t need to see you fucked up on anything more deadly than pot or whiskey, Brian. And I know that you are a consenting adult but he’s not. He’s pretty fucking fragile right now and he needs you. You are his family.”

“I just wanted to spend time with you. I didn’t intend to get wrapped up in a family drama that the Greek tragedians would have loved. All we need now is for you to go on a voyage and return home to find out that your lover has married your mom, or some shit like that.” But he picked up the mirror and carefully returned the contents to the vial. He glanced at Justin and said, “One of these days you aren’t going to be around to stop me from making a stupid decision, sunshine.”

“But that’s not today, Brian. Come watch a movie with us,” Justin suggested. “It’ll take your mind off your problem.”

“One of these days you’re not going to be able to talk me down, Justin.”

Justin stared at Brian and said, “You are losing it, Kinney. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, you strange, fucked-up man. And even when it’s bad between us it’s better than being alone and miserable.”

“You do realize, of course, how very fucked-up that is?” Brian asked, but he knew his nerves were beginning to settle. “How some would say that we play out the classic roles of sex addict and codependent?”

Justin emitted a squeak, that sounded very girly and had Brian giggling before he could stop the very unmasculine sound. He glared at Brian and that had Brian dissolving into a fresh fit of laughter. All they needed was the Doors’ song People Are Strange to start playing and the day would be complete.

Halfway through the movie, it was nearing nine o’clock and Brian was drifting into a state of near-slumber when the insistent buzzing of the downstairs intercom intruded. Brian’s head was pillowed on Justin’s lap and he said, “Don’t wanna get up.”

John looked at the two men, scowled, and then snatched the remote, hitting the pause button. “You two are pathetic,” he said, as he made his way to the intercom. “Who is it?”

“John, it’s your grandmother. Buzz me up, please, sweetheart. I want to talk to you.” Joan Kinney’s icy voice sounded tinny coming through the call box and he looked at Brian, who had suddenly returned to full consciousness at the sound of his mother’s voice.

“Your call, John.” He ignored the pinch Justin gave him and gave him a warning glance. This had to be John’s decision. Even if he thought his mother a she-wolf and no warmer than a viper, she was still John’s grandmother.

John stared at the intercom for long moments as if afraid his grandmother could be teleported up to the loft regardless of permission. He looked back at Brian, still laying in Justin’s lap, and pressed the intercom button again. “I don’t want to talk to you, Grandma.”

“I’ve got Father Tom with me, honey. He wants to talk to you and to your uncle.”

At Joan’s words, Brian shot up and made his way across to the intercom in record time. “Go away, old woman,” he growled. “And take the good Father with you. Where the fuck was he when all this shit was going down?”

“Brian, don’t blaspheme.”

“Mother, you lost the right to tell me what to do years ago. Leave us the fuck alone.”

“What do you think Department of Children and Families will think when they find out that my grandson is living with two homosexuals?”

At that moment, Brian was very, very glad that layers and floors of concrete lay between him and his mother. “Stay the fuck away from John, Mom. Claire has agreed to let him stay here and he’s safe.”

“Brian, it’s Father Tom. I want you to think about what you’re doing.”

Brian barked a laugh and glanced at his nephew who looked near to tears. “I don’t seem to recall you wearing your collar when you were on all fours, screaming for more, my dear friar. John is safe here and he’ll go home when he’s ready. Just leave us alone.”

Down on the street, Tom found himself the recipient of the patented Kinney death glare. Great, just fucking great, the priest thought. Outed by an angry ex-trick. “Is it true?” Joan asked, voice calm, too calm. “Did you have sex with my son?”

“Yes,” Father Tom bit out, meeting Joan’s glare directly, not flinching as she directed hostility towards him. If he weren’t a Christian, he’d kill Brian Kinney, he thought. “I had sex with your son twice, Joan.”

Joan gasped and depressed the intercom button. “Is that true, Brian?”

“Yes, Mom, it’s true,” Brian said. “I fucked your priest twice. I guess we’re both going to hell: your son and the man you wished was your son. Guess you never get what you want, old girl.”

John hit the intercom button and then said, “Go home, Grandma. I’m happy with Uncle Brian and Justin.”

“They’re corrupting your soul, sweetheart. Let me take you home to your mother, please.”

“No, Grandma. Go home. Leave us alone.”

“Goodbye, Saint Joan,” Brian drawled out, sarcastically. He watched his nephew cross to the pile of the pillows, flopping down on them. “Thanks for calling but we’re not buying martyrs tonight.”

He returned to Justin’s side and Justin smiled slightly. “Have I mentioned how proud I am of you?”

“No, baby, I don’t think you have. But it bears repeating,” Brian said, resting his head on Justin’s lap, feeling the blond trail his fingers through his hair.

John flipped the TV back to DVD mode and then the controller fell through his fingers as he began to sob quietly and incessantly. His shoulders shook and Brian bit back an acidic comment, realizing that now wasn’t the time for sarcasm. The kid was losing everything he held dear, after all, including a relationship with his grandmother.

“What the fuck do I do?” Brian whispered. “I’m not set up for this, sonny boy.”

“Do what you always do with me when I’m emotional,” Justin suggested, then frowned.

“I fuck you when you’re emotional,” Brian needlessly reminded him. “I can’t do that.”

“You are pathetic,” Justin said. “Let me up, you big galoof.”

Brian glared at him but sat up so Justin could move. Justin crawled up to John and wrapped an arm around the kid’s shoulders. “Hey, John, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

John continued to cry silently but the tears weren’t falling as rapidly. Justin looked at him and said, “Let’s go get some ice cream.”

“I’m going to get fat,” he protested.

“You’ll burn off the calories in an hour and you are like your uncle which means you have an unnatural metabolism.”

Brian smirked at the comment, finding the comment a compliment rather than a criticism. Rose-colored glasses and all that.

John reached for his sneakers and put them on. Justin crawled back to Brian and looked up at him with big blue eyes and Brian sighed. “Keys are on the counter, cash is in my wallet. Get more condoms on the way back.”

Justin pecked him on the cheek and Brian smirked. “You’re so easy,” Justin remarked.

“Keep it up, Sunshine, and we won’t have sex for a week,” Brian threatened.

Justin snorted and said, “That’s a promise that you won’t be able to keep. I think you need sex to breathe, Brian.”

“I do so love a high-protein breakfast in the morning,” Brian quipped.

John heard the latter remark and wrinkled his nose as his uncle’s meaning came home to him. Ugh.

When the door closed behind his lover and his nephew, Brian sighed and turned off the entertainment center. Somehow he figured that the adventures of Lara Croft would spill over into another night. He padded up the stairs, pulled off his jeans and climbed underneath the covers, falling fast asleep as the rain began to pound on the window panes outside, lulling Brian into a dreamless sleep.


	16. Complications of the Mind

When John and Justin finally spilled into the loft, Justin realized that his lover was asleep. The absence of him in the living room was a clue but it was the soft and rhythmic snoring coming from the bedroom that cinched it for him. John glanced at him and smiled, saying, “He know he do that?”

“He denies it whenever I remind him of the fact. It’s because of his deviated septum,” Justin says, not mentioning the fact that said deviated septum was a result of an encounter with Jack Kinney’s fist. “I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed.”

“Good night, Justin,” John said, flopping down onto the futon to wait for Justin to finish his nightly routine before making it into the bathroom himself. The encounter with his grandmother and priest, even though it hadn’t been face-to-face, had drained him emotionally. Eating ice cream with Justin had put the pain temporarily out of his mind, but the pain was still fresh enough to slice like a newly sharpened blade. Growing up sucked, he thought, and not in a positive, life-affirming way.

Justin slid into bed and heard Brian’s voice softly say, roughened by sleep, “Too far away. Want you closer.”

Since he was happy to oblige, Justin slid until he was in the crook of Brian’s arm. Later he’d swear that he’d heard Brian say ‘I love you’ even though the man persistently denied it. But Justin knew what he’d heard.

Three days later, Brian was ready to pull his hair out when his private line rang. He glanced at the caller display, saw Lindsay’s name, and was sorely tempted to ignore the blonde since his other blond was causing him such agitation. Hitting the speaker button, Brian snapped, “What?!”  
“Hey, fuck you too, Kinney. I’ve had a for shit day and I don’t need you being an asshole on top of it all,” Lindsay’s voice said, silk underlaid with steel. Brian hadn’t heard that tone from her in years.

“The merry munchers still fighting?” 

“Contrary to popular belief, dykes don’t live idyllic lives any more than fags or straights do, Brian. And yeah, I’m ready to kill Melanie. She’s trying to push me to spend more time with Jenny because she wants to go back to work.”

“Hello, separated. She doesn’t get to dictate who or what you do and Jenny’s her daughter.”

“She wants to fight you about Gus, Brian,” Lindsay’s words were quiet but had the effect of an atomic bomb. “She’s intending to fight really dirty, Brian.”

Brian set down the proposal he was redlining and picked up the phone, realizing that he didn’t want to shout at her on speaker. “Talk, Lindz.”

“Just that she’s intending on dragging every fuck you’ve ever had up. Bringing up the relationship you had with Justin when he was a minor and leaving him alone with Gus to go to a sex club. The drug use and the orgy you sponsored when Stockwell closed the backrooms.”

Brian bit back a curse and leaned back in his chair, lighting a cigarette. “What else?”

Lindsay paused a moment and said, “She’s planning on asking Michael for help, Brian. If you’re going to fix your friendship with him, I suggest you do it now.”

“I’m not running scared from a post-partum dyke, Lindsay. I’ll take the suggestion under advisement.” His words were calm but he felt his blood pressure rise as he contemplated the reality of Michael’s betrayal.

“I know how you feel about Mel, Bri, but she’s serious about keeping you away from our son. And by ours, I mean yours and mine. Don’t take this lightly.”

“Whose corner are you in?” he asked bluntly.

“Yours,” she responded without hesitation. “I’m on your side. Listen, Bri, I know how you feel about marriage but if you want a snowball’s chance in hell you might want to consider it for our son’s sake.”

Brian rubbed his temples and took a deep drag on the cigarette, reaching for the stress ball he kept in his desk drawer for just such occasions. “My domestic partnership agreement with Justin is filed with the Commonwealth, Lindsay. It’s all nice and legal. We filed it nearly a year ago; long before any of this shit happened. He and I don’t need to have a civil ceremony to prove we’re committed to each other. And John’s staying with us. I think that speaks well of us.”

“Okay,” she wearily said. “I just don’t want you to lose because of your damn Kinney pride, Bri. Too much is stake.”

“I’m well aware of the stakes. So you want to meet for lunch so I can see the apartment you’ll be sharing with my son?”  
“Yeah, twelve thirty. That work for you?”

Brian glanced down at the agenda Cynthia had given him upon his arrival in the office and nodded, and then said, “Yeah. Meet me here.”

“Fine,” Lindsay said, hanging up before he had the chance to berate her further. She hated fighting with Brian as much as she hated fighting with her wife, although at the moment she preferred Brian’s company to that of Melanie’s.

Later that day, Brian picked up his coffee cup, drained it, and then scowled fiercely at the copy the art department had given him for review. It was for shit, it was all for shit. He knew that his irritation was born more out of current events than inept staff but it was so much more fun to take it out of their ass.

“Cynthia,” he bellowed, lighting another cigarette as he waited for his creative director to pop her head into his office.

“You bellowed?” Cynthia snapped. “What is it, Brian?”

“The copy’s for shit. The coffee sucks and the agenda is overbooked for the week.”

Cynthia started to retort and then caught a glimpse of Brian’s face. “Go home, Brian,” she said instead, her voice gentle as she caught a glimpse of the exhaustion in his. “I’ll bring the kid home later.”

He stared at her and finally nodded. “If Lindsay calls, tell her that I’ve gone home and to meet me there.”

“I’ll do you one better: I’ll call Lindsay and tell her and I’ll call Justin and tell him to meet you at the loft.”

“Have I told you that if I weren’t gay I’d fuck you?” Brian asked.

“You are and you have. It’s flattering, Brian, but you know your heart belongs to a certain blond. Go home before you fire someone who doesn’t deserve a pink slip.”

He mock punched her cheek and said, “Thanks, kid.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. There better be a fine present for me when you and Justin come back from New York.”

Brian winced at the reminder and she caught the expression. “I don’t know if we’re going, Cyn. With everything going on it just seems like the wrong time.”

Cynthia uttered one word and it resonated with Brian. “Vermont. Remember Vermont, Brian.”

For Brian and Justin, Vermont was their Alamo, their Custer’s Last Stand, their burning of Atlanta, and Brian didn’t even respond negatively to the reminder. He simply closed his eyes and opened them slowly, narrowing them as he nodded. “Okay. I’ll bring you something in a little blue box.”

“I bet Justin wouldn’t mind something in a little blue box,” Cynthia teased.

“Not hetero, Cyn.” Brian said, grabbing his jacket, PDA, and keys from the top of the desk. “And Justin doesn’t need a ring to know how much I love him.”

She grinned at him and watched as he walked out of his office. Brian made record time back to the loft, taking off the Prada suit and dressing in his favorite jeans and a white t-shirt. He sat down on the floor and lit up a joint, while waiting for his lover to return, thankful for the time he could spend alone without the intrusion of his nephew. Sometimes Brian needed silence and that was a rare commodity in the Kinney household as of late. 

He crossed to the kitchen, opening the fridge, and smiled bemusedly at the contents. Seemed Justin had spared no expense in getting foods a teenager would like, having first-hand knowledge, having been a teenager himself so recently. Kids, Brian thought, taking another toke, drawing the smoke deep into his lungs. For once, Anita hadn’t screwed him over by giving him bad shit.   
He’d gotten the quality he’d paid for.

He was drifting into mellowness when a knock on the door startled him out of his haze. He left the roach smoldering in an ash tray and went to the door. He slid it open and then slammed it shut again. He leaned against the door, face flushed, and breathing hard. There were few things in life that truly frightened Brian but those that existed caused fear that ran deep in him. He slid the bolt closed and heard a voice say, “Kinney, let me in. I’m not going away.”

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Brian’s voice was a near whisper. “Just leave me the fuck alone.” He slid down to the floor, head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. He was near to keening and that was something he hadn’t done since the night Justin got hurt. He heard the footsteps fade away and felt relief wash over him, like a wave.

His cell phone began to ring and Brian sluggishly made his way over to the pile of pillows and picked it up. “ ‘ello,” he said, fearing whose voice it’d be on the other end of the line.

“It’s me.”

Justin.

He nearly sighed in utter relief. “Baby, can you come home?”

Justin heard the endearment and narrowed his eyes even though he knew Brian couldn’t see him. “What’s wrong?”

“Come home,” Brian repeated, breaking the connection.

Not for the first time, Justin wished that he had his own car and didn’t have to rely on public transportation. He’d be relieved when he could take receipt of the car he’d finally agreed to accept from Brian. He pushed a preprogrammed number and got the cab company. That would get him home faster and there was a note in Brian’s voice that he liked not at all.

Half an hour later, Justin was fumbling with portfolio and keys when a voice came from behind him, startling him into dropping both. He whipped around and gasped. “What the fuck do you want?”

“Such a way to greet a former trick. I guess you haven’t learned any manners, Sunshine. Isn’t that what he calls you, after all? I never knew your name, you know. Even when I had your dick down my throat, I didn’t know your name.”

Justin bent to pick up his keys, keeping a wary eye on Kip Thomas as he stood. “What do you want?”

“What I’ve always wanted. Brian Kinney’s balls. I’ll settle for helping his nemesis in the fight over his kid. Melanie Marcus, isn’t it?”

Justin felt himself go pale and gripped the side of the building as Kip laughed, a sound that he’d heard only in nightmares. “Goodbye, Justin,” Kip said, as he walked away, leaving the path of destruction in his wake. He finally got the key in the lock on the final try and ran up the stairs, forgoing the elevator in his haste to get to Brian.

He unlocked the loft door and was greeted with the sight of Brian huddled in a near fetal position on the floor, underneath the shelf that ran under the bank of windows overlooking Tremont. “Shit,” Justin cursed quietly, dropping everything. He forgot about the door for the moment, concerned more about Brian than them getting robbed. He knelt by Brian’s side, saw the hazel eyes dark with pain and fear, and cursed their enemies. 

“Justin,” Brian’s mouth barely moved, stumbling over the letters. He met his lover’s eyes and drew him into his lap, holding him so closely that Justin could feel Brian’s body shaking beneath him. He wrapped his own arms around Brian as the older man said, “I can’t lose him, Justin. I can’t lose him.”

“I know, baby. I know. It’s okay,” Justin said, hating to see him this vulnerable. 

Lindsay stood in the doorway to the loft and silently watched the man she loved with the man he loved. She’d seen them together many times but this was the first time it had really come home to her just how much they loved and needed each other, that they got their strength from each other. She scribbled a quick note and left it on the counter, knowing they’d find it and knowing neither of them had seen her, so lost in their own private pain.

Neither of them knew how long they sat there, limbs entwined. Brian finally broke away and looked ruefully at him. “I’m –” he began.

“Don’t you fucking dare apologize to me. You’re human, Brian. We’re in this together and I won’t let him hurt you.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be fine, Bri.” Justin crossed to the fridge, withdrawing two bottles of water. He tossed one to Brian on his way back and the man half-heartedly made an attempt to catch it. He noted the note on the counter and brought it back with him to Brian.

“What’s that?”  
“A note from Lindz saying that she’ll take a rain check.”

“Shit. I guess she saw us. I’m sure she’s wondering what that was all about.”

Justin took a swallow from his bottle of water and glanced at his lover who still looked shaken. “I ran into him outside the loft, Brian. He said that he’s been contacted by Melanie’s counsel about testifying on her behalf.”

“FUCK!” Brian shouted, heaving the water bottle across the room, where it landed, spilling droplets of water to pool on the hardwood floor. “FUCK!” he said again.

Justin avoided looking at Brian, remembering how he’d gotten Kip to drop the sexual harassment lawsuit against Brian. It didn’t cast either of them in a flattering light, the only saving grace might possibly be Justin’s youth and naïveté when it came to Brian’s life at the time. He stood and disappeared into the bedroom.

Brian marked his departure and then with a world-weary sigh followed him up the stairs, finding Justin lying on their bed, pillow cradled to his chest, like a teddy bear. “I’m not pissed at you,” he said finally, looking down at his lover. “This isn’t your fault, you know. It’s not even mine. This all came about because Melanie’s fucking jealous of me. Jealous of the fact that I shared something with Lindsay that she can’t replicate. And pissed at me because I want to spend time with my son, that I’m looking at Gus and seeing something more than just a contribution of jizz.”

Brian lay down next to him and said, “We knew this was going to be a dirty fight, Sunshine. The munchers aren’t squeaky clean either. Melanie’s had an affair, Lindsay’s had an affair. At least, you and I’ve been honest about our relationship from the get go. And our partnership agreement was in place long before I thought about having a more active role in Gus’s life.”

He trailed his fingers down Justin’s arm, feeling the fine blond hairs underneath his fingertips, and finally said, “You can still go to California. Get the fuck out of here and away from this soap opera.”

Justin flipped himself so that he straddled Brian, so that he was looking down at him. “No fucking way and leave you to face that fucking cunt by yourself? Not a chance. Thick and thin, Brian. Good times and bad.”

Brian winced and then smiled slightly. “Vows?”

“Promises, promises. Nothing more.”

“Lindsay suggested a commitment ceremony might reflect well with the courts.”

“No.”

“No?”

“You don’t want to get married and even if you did, we wouldn’t do it because of a custody fight. That would be the wrong reason. And you’re not that fucking desperate yet.” Justin paused for a moment and then said, “Where does Lindsay stand in all this?”

“Behind us. For the time being but I don’t exactly trust her.” It was Brian’s turn to hesitate and he did so for long moments as Justin rested his head upon his chest.

“I love you,” Justin whispered.

“Me too,” Brian whispered, closing his eyes lest the pain take him unaware. He couldn’t lose Gus, he just couldn’t. It wasn’t an option for him. Just like losing Justin wasn't an option for him.


	17. Complications of the Mind

Author's Note: Warning- this section is very long. I'm posting longer parts because there will be about a month-long hiatus.

* * *

When John arrived home, he found his uncle and his partner in an embrace that looked closer than if they’d actually been caught fucking. He glanced at Cynthia who looked embarrassed and then she said, “Let me write them a note. I’m taking you to dinner.”

“You don’t have to do that,” John said.

“I don’t want to wake them up. Do you?” she asked, having never seen her boss so nakedly vulnerable even when she’d seen him nude. She knew this was an incredibly private moment between her boss and his lover.

John glanced at Brian and Justin and finally shook his head. “No, I’m kind of hungry anyway.”

She slid the loft door closed behind them and, up in the bedroom, Brian began to stir. He gently dislodged Justin and heard the blond mutter a sleepy, “No, don’t wanna get up.”

Brian smiled slightly and said, “It’s okay, baby. You sleep.”

He reached for his pack of cigarettes and lit one, lighting it. He had thought he’d heard voices but since they were still alone in the loft figured that whoever it was had left. Justin stirred beside him and the beautiful blue eyes he adored slowly opened, focusing on his face. Brian looked down at him and said, “Are you sure you want this?”

Justin sat up and glared at him. “I love Gus, Brian. I’ve loved him since that night.”

“I had two babies that night,” Brian said, mind for the moment somewhere else. “My life changed in an instant.”

“I found the love of my life and gained a kid that night, Brian. I think both our lives changed in an instant. I’ve fought for you and I’ll be damned if I don’t stand and fight for our son. So stop pushing me away. I’m not fucking walking away from you.”

“Ease down, Sugar Ray.” Brian said, handing him the cigarette. Justin took a drag and glanced at his partner. He handed the cigarette back to Brian and then slid out of bed. He padded down to the kitchen, noticing the note and returned to Brian’s side, handing it wordlessly to him. “Shit,” Brian said, upon reading the note.

“I think you owe her a debt of gratitude, Brian. She’s saved us having to explain to John what’s going on and she said she’d call when they were on their way back.”

Without speaking, Brian stubbed out the cigarette. He turned back to his young lover, eyes intent upon Justin’s face as he began to unbutton his jeans. Justin watched with rapt attention as Brian unveiled himself. He’d seen this a thousand times but it still never failed to move him as his lover’s body was revealed. “What you doing?” Justin asked, his own voice husky with desire.  
“I think you know, little boy,” Brian said, tossing the jeans aside as he removed his t-shirt. He lay on his back, idly stroking himself, knowing that Justin couldn’t look away even if he’d wanted to. He got off on that heady sense of power that came from knowing that when the chips were down, there was no one Justin would rather fuck or be fucked by than him. 

Justin began to strip and Brian cautioned him, “Slowly. Slowly.”

“You want a show?” Justin asked.

“Remember the day Claire found out that I had cancer?”

Justin nodded slowly, unsure of his intentions. He needn’t have worried; Brian had no intention of using it against him, at least not in a malicious manner. “You teased me unmercifully. Now you can give me that show and I can follow through, sonny boy.”

Justin grinned at him and Brian answered him in kind, with a rare true Kinney smile. One arm behind his head and the other idly stroking his growing cock, Brian was the perfect picture of a patron awaiting a tribute. The fact that it was a beautiful blond boy just made it all the sweeter. Brian watched Justin’s alabaster skin become revealed inch by inch and caught his breath. Justin was lowering the cargo pants when Brian pulled him down to him, mouth crushing his beneath his own. Their tongues met and Justin swallowed his spit, causing him to smile in return and his eyes darken as his hands went down to cup Justin’s ass. Justin kicked free of the cargo pants, and broke the kiss, growling, “I want to fuck you.”

“Do with me what you will,” Brian said, preparing to enjoy it. Despite his protests to the contrary and his well-established reputation, there was only one cock that had been up his ass in years and that was Justin’s, a fact which gave the blond much pleasure. “I only have one request,” he said.

Justin’s eyes narrowed as he looked at Brian, sex incarnate. “What?”

“I know we both enjoy it fast and rough most of the time, Justin,” he began, then paused, seemingly uncomfortable which for a man who found little in life embarrassing was striking. “But I don’t mind a long, gentle fuck on occasion.”

It was the closest Brian Kinney could come to asking his lover to make love to him without losing face. Justin was enough of a man not to throw that fact back in his face. He simply licked Brian’s lower lip and traced the line of his jaw. When he got to his ear, Justin took the lobe between his teeth and gently nipped at him, while Brian gasped in pleasure, then licked the cartilage.

He turned his attention to the column of Brian’s throat, blazing a wet trail down the center of his chest, lapping over Brian’s navel, then darting his tongue inside to fuck the small indentation as he would his ass. He looked up to meet Brian’s eyes and saw that the man’s eyes were closed, face lax as he gave himself over to the pleasure he was deriving from his partner’s attention. Brian might deny it, Justin thought, but what we share is different than what he gets from tricks.

He licked Brian’s rib cage and then moved up his body to his nipples. He lapped the area around them and then finally sucked one inside his mouth, hard-sucking until he knew it was close to painful for Brian. Then he did the same to the other, until both were shining with saliva and standing out from his chest.

Brian put his hand on the back of Justin’s head and directed him back down to his cock, which was now angry and engorged. Justin flicked the tip of his tongue across the mushroom-cap of his head and then began to lick from base to tip, in long leisurely strokes. Brian moaned as Justin took him into his mouth, tongue tracing the vein that ran along the underside of his shaft. He allowed himself to go for long minutes as Justin paid homage to his favorite dick in the world, then finally said, “Stop,” on a guttural moan.

Justin eased off and looked up at Brian with a perplexed expression. “I want you to fuck me,” he said by way of explanation.

Justin nodded and Brian turned over, his expression one of perfect trust, a far cry from the first time he’d allowed Justin to top him. It was still infrequent enough that Justin relished each opportunity and as much as liked to fuck Brian, he still enjoyed Brian’s dick up his ass more. Justin ran his tongue the length of Brian’s back, licking the hollow at the base of his spine before parting his lover’s cheeks, inhaling then exhaling against Brian’s hole. He could feel him shudder and took a slight bit of pleasure out of the fact that he could induce that reaction from him. He traced the area around Brian’s hole and then lapped over it, making direct contact. Brian hissed and Justin knew he was gripping the pillow underneath his head tighter. It took a lot for Brian to submit to this; to accept this utter loss of control. Justin didn’t take the honor lightly and he didn’t regard it as his due for putting up with Brian. He made a point of his tongue and darted it inside, curling his tongue upwards in Brian’s hole, knowing when Brian pushed his ass back against his face that he wanted more.

“Fuck me,” Brian growled. 

Justin continued to eat Brian out and finally Brian’s dick was so hard he feared it would tear a hole through the mattress. “Fuck the shit out of me, Sunshine. PLEASE!!!!”

Not a man who begged, Justin knew that when Brian did so, he was dead fucking serious. Justin reached for a condom and Brian’s hand stayed his hand. Justin looked down at him curiously and said, “We’re supposed to talk to Miranda first.”

Brian let his hand drop to the bed and nodded, looking for all the world like a little boy denied his favorite treat. “Fine,” he muttered.

Justin kissed his shoulder and said, “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he said, secretly very pleased that the blond said it.

Justin lubed his cock and then slid the condom on, knowing how close he was. He placed his dick at Brian’s entrance and began the slow push in. Brian winced at the sudden, all too unfamiliar pain, and then gave himself over to it, trusting that Justin wouldn’t hurt him and getting comfort from the fact that the blond loved him hopelessly and with a desperation that bordered on obsession. He began to move inside Brian and on the upstroke, Brian pushed down on him. A hand drifted down to his own cock freely leaking pre-cum and Brian stroked in unison with Justin’s movements inside him. The tip of Justin’s cock brushed his prostate and both men couldn’t help but shudder at the sensation. Justin began to fuck Brian faster and then he couldn’t hold out any longer and he felt his balls unload his jism into the condom as he rode Brian to an orgasm below him. Brian shot on the 100-count linen sheets and felt Justin begin to withdraw and said a husky, “Wait a minute.”

Justin looked down at him curiously and knew that he would get no explanation from Brian. He simply waited and then Brian said, with a note of something akin to regret, “Okay,” as Justin began to withdraw slowly.

Justin made to toss the condom aside and Brian glanced at it, grinning at him. “Not bad, Sunshine.”

“I may be smaller but that doesn’t mean I don’t produce a lot of spunk, Brian,” he said, voice conveying pride and amusement.

“Point noted,” Brian said, as Justin turned to toss the condom in the waste basket. He started to lie down in his spot in the bed and Brian said, “Don’t go.”

“Not going anywhere,” Justin said.

“Guess we should shower,” Brian suggested. “Somehow the kid knows we have sex but I don’t think he wants firsthand knowledge of that thrown in his face.”

“Not many kids do,” Justin acknowledged, and took Brian’s hand, pulling him to a sitting position.

He headed into the bathroom and was opening the shower door when Brian said, “That was fucking hot, Justin. I know I don’t let you fuck me often but that was fucking amazing.”

“Just like it is with any other trick,” the instant the words left his mouth, Justin didn’t know why in the name of all that is holy he’d said it.

“No,” Brian said, voice low. “That only happens with you. And you know that’s the fucking case so why do you ride my ass about it? I’m not apologizing for fucking other men, Justin, and that knowledge has benefited you.”

“Yes, it has. I’m sorry, Brian. Don’t know where that came from.”

“I think I do,” Brian said, reaching around him to test the water temperature. He climbed inside and Justin followed him. He’d reached for the shampoo bottle and was lathering up Justin’s hair before he spoke, “It still bothers you that I’ve fucked my way through half of the gay men in the Pittsburgh phone book and not a few supposedly straight men. Yet you’ve reaped benefits from that selfsame knowledge. And that bugs the shit out of you.”

Justin leaned back against Brian as the man’s fingers massaged his scalp. “I know I’m not a trick but for a long time that’s all I was to you and you took great pleasure in pointing that out to me whenever you could, Brian. I still have lingering hurts over that.”

“And yet you’re the only person in my life who I would consider being utterly faithful to, Justin. Not a nameless trick whose overly used ass I enjoyed for one night or Michael, but you. You’re the one I’m fucking and the one I’m in love with. You know how long it was for me before I let you fuck me?”

“No,” Justin said, voice quiet.

“Every time I felt the urge I’d either get out the ten-inch dildo or the twelve-inch vibrator and ride that for all I was worth. Then I met you, a hot little blond twink, and I felt something I hadn’t felt for years. I trust you completely and implicitly. I haven’t always and I didn’t get back to that point for a long time after Ian but I do. And I’m never going to be the man you want me to be. But you’ve made me a better man for loving you, Justin. That’s something you can be proud of.”  
Justin winced as Brian’s fingers dug in with more pressure and bit back the urge to tell him it hurt. Sometimes a little pain was a good thing. And then betimes it wasn’t. He turned to face Brian and said only, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Brian. I think sometimes we fuck with each other because we don’t like things to be too comfortable between us.”

“Exactly, Sunshine. Things get too comfortable and cozy for either one of us and the other balks.” He fingered the pendant Justin wore at all times and said, “You know what this meant to me?”

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“Let me refresh your memory. Once upon a time, a beautiful blonde princess and a not so beautiful beast made a plan to go away to a beautiful country lodge where they’d fuck like minks and cuddle together by a fire. Then real life intervened and the beautiful blonde princess ran away because she got scared when the beast didn’t say what needed to be said. They made their way back to each other but they caused many hurts along the way. Then one day the beast gave the beautiful blonde princess a pendant symbolizing his love and what the princess means to him.” Brian glanced down at him and said, “I’m never going to give you everything you want but I can give you today and tomorrow and the next day.”

“I love you, Brian.”

“And sometimes the words are just that: words.”

“You don’t believe me?” Justin asked, voice clearly conveying hurt he had no ability to disguise, not when it came to Brian.

“I believe you. I just think that you need the words more than I do. It’s enough for me to have you in my life and in my bed and sharing my home. Fuck the world if they can’t accept that, Justin. It’s enough for us and that’s what matters.”

“You ever think about us sharing something other than the loft?”

Brian couldn’t help the shudder that went through his body at the question. He loved the loft; it was part of who he was. “No,” he answered shortly.

“Just a question,” Justin said, feeling somewhat deflated.

But they both knew it wasn’t just a question and it would lie there between them like a dead moose until it was discussed again. It wasn’t that Justin didn’t love the loft because he did, but sometimes he wanted something that was his and Brian’s not just Brian’s. Brian was well aware that there was still a part of Justin that hoped for the breeder dream and feared that Justin, on some level, was just settling for second best. He hated being second best.

As if he were privy to Brian’s thoughts, Justin looked up at him, noting the nearly aristocratic profile as Brian let the water pelt him. “I don’t want the white picket fence, Brian. But I don’t want to be forty and still living the bachelor’s life.”

Brian turned off the water with a savage jerk of his wrist and glanced at his lover. “We’ll talk about it. I’m not closing the door, Sunshine, but I’m not ready for anything more than buying the loft downstairs and opening this place up a bit so it’s more of a home for us.”

“I know,” Justin responded, feeling doubly guilty for doubting Brian. “It’s home to me too, Brian.”

“It’s the place we first made love,” Brian said, the words unintentionally coming out as mocking.

Justin glared at him and stomped out of the bathroom, the gesture fey. He dripped water on the bed, not caring, and Brian stood in the door to the bedroom and said, “I didn’t mean anything by it, Sunshine.”

“Yes, you did. I have these deep feelings and they make you uncomfortable so you belittle them and me.”

“For fuck’s sake, don’t be such a girl about it.” Brian said, reaching for the t-shirt and the jeans, the jeans molding to his still slightly damp skin. “I’m well aware of the fact that this is where we made love for the first time; I just don’t make a federal case out of it.”

Justin flopped onto his stomach and Brian sighed. “Don’t pout, it’s so unattractive.”

“You do it,” he shot back.

Since he had no response to that, Brian knelt by his side of the bed, saying softly, “Look at me.” Justin turned away and Brian ran a hand through his damp hair, in frustration. “Look at me, dammit.”

Finally Justin looked at him, the hurt clearly visible in his baby blues. “I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry. I fucking hate fighting with you.”

“I know, I know,” Justin said, “it makes your dick soft.”

“No, smartass. I hate fighting with you because it makes my heart hurt and I feel like I’m drowning when I think about how close I’ve come lately to losing you. There, is that open enough for you?” Brian asked, standing and leaving Justin alone with his thoughts to brood or whatever the fuck it was that country-club bred WASPs did. He knew what Irish Catholic, blue-collar boys did when they were hurt but somehow he thought it was different.

He disposed of the roach in the trash can underneath his desk and flipped through the DVDs, finally finding One-Eyed Jacks. He loved early Brando and put the disk in the tray, leaning back against the pillows to watch it. He knew every line in this film and as Justin heard the opening score, he was reminded of the day he’d come to the loft to tell Brian he wasn’t taking the money for the Institute. Brian’d been watching this film that day. Some people preferred to keep their pain private and some sought to open up wounds with a straight-edged blade. Guess which category Brian fell in?

Justin pulled on a hastily discarded pair of gray sweatpants and flopped down next to Brian. “Why do you love this film?”

“Because it’s about love and betrayal. It’s real and raw and doesn’t present a fairytale ending like most Hollywood flicks,” Brian said, as Justin rested his head on his shoulder. He turned so he could just lightly brush his lips across Justin’s cheek.

“I don’t like fighting with you either. I’m sorry if I was a drama princess, Brian. It’s just everything is changing and it’s fucking strange to think of us raising Claire’s kid after all the shit she’s put you through.”

“None of which is his fault, baby. And the custody fight is coming up which may be ugly. Somehow the munchers are going to drag up every negative thing that ever happened between us and use it against me. We need to present a united front.”

“And Michael?” Justin asked, hating to even bring him up, but knowing it was a loose end that needed to be tied up.

“Let me worry about Mikey. Ssh, I want to watch the movie,” Brian said, as Justin nestled into his side, curling up against him.

He’d just gotten to the fiesta scene when he heard the loft door slowly slide open. “Safe to come in?”

Brian turned and put a finger to his lips as he nodded. “Justin’s sleeping.” He saw Cynthia standing beside John and mouthed a “thank you” in her direction. She inclined her head and Brian realized that he either owed her a present or a bonus. He figured a bottle of Coco would suffice for her inconvenience.

John kicked off his sneakers as he thanked Cynthia for buying him dinner and slid the door closed as she left. He made his way across the loft to where Brian reclined and Justin slept, curled up next to him, and smiled slightly at the picture of the two men. He’d never realized just how much his uncle cared for his young lover. “What movie are you watching?” John asked, voice quiet.

“One-Eyed Jacks. Early Brando.”

“You mean before he got old and fat?”

Brian couldn’t help but smile at that. He nodded and said, “Ssh, it’s about halfway through.” He hit the play button and heard Justin sigh against his side. 

“Does he ever drool on you?”

“On occasion and I always tease him about it.” Brian glanced at his nephew and said, seemingly out of the blue, “You can fuck with me and give me shit about stuff but do not disrespect him. Got it?”

“Yeah,” John said, eyes wide. “Don’t get so medieval on me. I know not to talk shit about him besides, Brian, I like him. He’s cool and he’s in love with you for some fucked-up reason. He can’t be all bad.” He grinned wickedly and added, “Besides he’s so much younger than you.”

“Okay.”

By the time the end credits had begun to roll, John was fading fast and Justin was beginning to rouse. He made to stand up and Brian hit the stop button on the DVD player. He looked at his nephew and tossed the control in his direction. “If you want to watch TV, make sure the volume is low. Some of us have to get up early in the morning and go to work.”

John shot Brian a glare and then said, “If it’s okay with you, I’ll just stay here tomorrow.”

“Too much for you to work for your uncle? Harsh taskmaster?” Justin teased, yawning.

“No, I actually like working with Brian and Cynthia. It’s just I thought I’d clean up the loft for you two and it’s hard to do that with you two hanging around.”

“I lost the bet,” Brian responded, eyes narrowing as he wondered what the kid was up to. It was passing strange for a teenager to offer to clean up; he couldn’t even make Justin, a twenty-something, pick up after himself.

“Consider it a thank you.”

Brian shrugged and said, “Fine. Just don’t open the door to strangers and if you have any funny feelings or calls, I want you to call me or Justin. Cynthia has standing orders to put you right through even if I’m in a meeting. Got it?”

John nodded, and began flipping through channels, lowering the volume to a mere hum. “Good night, Brian. Justin.”

“Night, John.”

It was after one when Brian finally heard the television cut off and his nephew crawl into his nest of covers. He lay on his back and then finally got up to brood. He took up his favorite thinking/brooding/sulking position looking out the windows and heard footsteps behind him. Thinking it was Justin he turned around and then realized it was John. “What’s wrong, Uncle Brian?”

“Insomnia. It’s better when Justin’s here. A lot of the time I can’t sleep.”

“That must suck.”

“You think?” Brian snarked.

“I wasn’t trying to be a smart ass. So you just stand here all night until you feel tired?”

“When we had a sofa, I’d lay down on that and finally drift off to sleep. I’d wake up and find that I’d been covered with a blanket or the duvet. Nobody knows why I have this problem.”

“Could it have to do with lying awake at night waiting on Granddad to come home, not knowing if you were going to get the shit kicked out of you or not?”

Brian narrowed his eyes and finally said, “Possible. It’s also possible that I’m scared shitless of losing Justin and I stay awake because it’s the only way I know he’ll still be here in the morning.”  
“That’s sad,” John observed. “My mom always says to take hot milk. It helps her fall asleep.”

“Does she spike it?”

“It’s possible,” he said, and then narrowed his own eyes, in an expression that Brian recognized, “but I think if she was going to drink liquor with something it would be a soda not milk. I’m going back to bed.”

“Hey, kid,” Brian said, as he turned to find him pulling the covers up to his chin. “Thanks.”

“Any time.”

As was his usual routine, Brian was up at the ass-crack of dawn, slipping out of bed and showering and dressing without disturbing either Justin or John. He left a note along with some cash for John along with instructions for arming the loft if he decided to leave. Didn’t want a repeat of what had happened some three years earlier.

Ten minutes later, he was knocking on another apartment door. His knocking increased in frequency until it was more like a methodical banging.

The door was opened and Brian was greeted with a still half-asleep Hunter, who gazed at him with a slightly more perplexed expression than usual. “Hey, Brian. How’s it—”

“Not today,” Brian said, pushing past him and opening the door to the bedroom Michael and Ben shared. Ben sat up in bed at the intrusion and glared at him and then his expression softened in understanding.

He prodded his partner and Michael sleepily looked at him, and said, “What is it?”

“We’ve got company,” Ben said, sliding out of bed. He glanced at Hunter and said only, “Go get dressed, Hunter. I’ll buy you breakfast.”

“But I want to stay and watch the show,” Hunter said, then caught sight of Brian’s glowering countenance. “On second thought,” he hastily added, “I could eat.”

He and Ben went into the living room and shut the door behind them. Brian stood for a few minutes looking down at the still drowsing form of Michael and felt himself getting angrier and angrier. Finally fed up, he jerked the covers off and leaned down to yell in Michael’s ear, “Wake the fuck up, you little twat!”

Michael sat up, clutching for the covers, and then his chocolate lab eyes became fearful as he took in Brian’s expression. “Hi, Brian.”

“Don’t ‘hi, Brian’ me, you little asshole. You know I won’t ever fuck you so you decide to fuck me over instead. How did you and Smelly Mel track down Kip fucking Thomas?”

“Um, I don’t—”

“Michael, you really don’t want to fuck with me on this. I’ll ask you one more time: how the fuck did you track down Kip Thomas?”

“She found out he’d relocated to Atlanta. Called him and asked if he’d be willing to testify on her behalf in a custody case involving you.”

“And you didn’t try to talk her out of it?”

“She’s the mother of my daughter,” Michael needlessly reminded him.

Brian took a deep breath and stepped close to him, “You do not want to fuck with me, Michael.”

“I’m your best friend.”

“Sing a new tune, old buddy. With friends like you, I don’t need enemies. Keep your foster son away from me and mine.”

“He’ll only hurt you again.”

“That may be but it’s none of your fucking business, Michael.”

“I know things about you that could cost you custody of Gus.”

Brian grasped the collar of his Captain Astro t-shirt and pulled it tight as he said, “You fuck this up for me and I’ll cut your balls off, Michael.”

“You ought to be more concerned about the blond twink you call your boyfriend.”

“My partner, Michael. Partner in all the ways that really matter and that really burns your ass because it’s never been you. He fucked me last night and I begged him for it. I moaned and pleaded for him to fuck me with his hard eight and a ½ inches, Michael. Stop calling yourself my best friend because you’re not. Stay the fuck away from me and my family.”

“I thought Ma and me were your family.”

“So did I,” Brian said, sadly as he walked out the door to Michael’s vain protests resounding in his ears. So did I. He walked as if in a daze to his car and sat behind the wheel for long moments until a beat cop rolled up and asked him if there was a problem. Brian slowly shook his head and headed back to the loft. Perhaps the morning could be salvaged in some small way.

He walked into the loft and saw Justin sitting at the counter, eating a bowl of cereal. The blond looked at him and whatever Justin saw in his eyes scared him. “Brian,” he began.

Brian shook his head and went up the stairs, flopping on his stomach on the bed, not caring that his suit was getting wrinkled. He pulled his knees up to his chest and waited, knowing that Justin wouldn’t be far behind him. He wasn’t wrong. Justin spooned him, chest against his back, arms holding him close. “Want to tell me what’s wrong?” he whispered.

“I saw Michael,” Brian could barely get the words out. “He knew Melanie found Kip and didn’t warn me. He had the nerve to say that I should be worried about you fucking me over.”

“Bri, even if we weren’t together, I would never do or say anything to cause you to lose custody of your son. I love both of you too much to ever do that.”

“I know. Michael was there the night Gus was born. He was up on the roof that night with me when I got up on that ledge and still he thinks this is just some practice play date I’m having with my kid. You know, that night I found you in the backroom when we weren’t together?” Brian asked, waiting as Justin nodded. “He’d just found out that Melanie was pregnant, that the procedure to reverse her endometriosis had worked. I gave him a Cohiba as my way of toasting to fatherhood, because I figured it was something we could share, more than his adolescent love of comics.” And his adolescent love of me, he added silently.

Justin could well understand that but he just let Brian talk. “He said something about not knowing if he’d be a good father or not and I reminded him that he’d raised me. Then he said that he wanted to be a better father than I was, that he didn’t want to be a drop-in dad with money and toys. That he actually wanted to be a part of his daughter’s life. I left him standing in the bird’s nest and walked down to the basement where I found you fucking someone else. I was so raw that night that if you’d asked me how I felt about you, I wouldn’t have had the strength for any of my usual bullshit. He says he knows me so well and yet those casual words cut me to the quick, Justin. You’d think he’d understand how much I love Gus and yet he’s willing to cost me my son and doesn’t even see the irony in it.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Justin said, because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Brian lay his hand on top of Justin’s, hands intertwining close to his heart, and said, “You’ve always known I’d be a good dad if I just let myself and didn’t let thoughts of my old man torture me. Michael’s always thought it was a bad idea, a bad mix of drugs. That Brian Kinney just didn’t fit with fatherhood.”

“He’s a fucking moron, Brian.”

“And you’re the one standing by my side when all the shit hits. Amazing how that is?” Brian said. “For the first time, I feel like I’m not standing in the rain alone anymore. I’ve got someone who cares about me and it’s not about money or power or sex. It’s Brian Aidan Kinney that matters.”

Justin felt the tears well up in his eyes. “I’m sorry that you lost his friendship, Brian.”

Brian turned to face him, pulling him closer. “I have all the family and friends I need, Justin. With friends like Michael, I don’t need enemies. There are going to be two camps, and I don’t have the foggiest idea who’s going to still stand after the smoke clears. The only thing I do know is that you’ll be by my side.”

“I’m yours,” Justin said, kissing the knuckles of Brian’s right hand. “I always have been.”

Brian sighed and said, finally, “You were right about Michael’s treachery. I could have handled the shit with Ian had you been honest with me. Half of the trouble we’ve had is because Michael’s fingers have been in the pie. Our relationship is not a clusterfuck, at least not without invitation. And after all is said and done, you’re the one who loves me enough to let me go because you want me to be happy more than you want to control my destiny.”

“I never wanted you to lose his friendship, Brian.”

“I know. You’re a bigger person than Michael, Justin. You’ve got a bigger heart and if you saw me happy with someone else you’d be glad for me. You wouldn’t be so fucking resentful that you’d try to fuck things up for me on principle. Christ!”

Justin held him for a long time and finally Brian looked up, misery etched on his handsome, patrician face. Brian finally said, “We need to go to New York.”

“What about John?”

“I can stay at Mom’s,” John said quietly, standing at the top of the stairs.

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long,” John responded, flinching at the hostility directed towards him by his uncle.

Brian shook his head and said, “I’ll talk to Cynthia. Maybe you can stay with her for a couple of days. Or maybe Deb.” He looked at Justin and said, “What do you think, baby?”

“It won’t hurt to ask Cynthia. Deb will probably say no out of spite because poor wittle Mikey has been hurt by the big bad Brian.”

“I’ll ask Cynthia. And book our tickets, Sunshine.” He looked at John and said, “Mind giving us a moment?”

“Sure,” John said, “I’ll go up to the roof while you two talk.”

When the loft door closed behind John, Justin glanced at Brian. “What’s up?”

“You remember when I went to the White Party?”

Justin nodded. “Yeah, it was the same day as Lindsay and Melanie’s wedding.”

“Yeah. The last night I caught the wedding bouquet that was thrown by this drag queen. You know what it means among heteros, right?”

“Yes,” Justin said, slowly. He’d gone to enough weddings at the country club to know exactly what catching the bouquet meant.

“We’re together because we want to be and not because there are locks on our doors. We’re together because we’re better together than apart. And we’re together because we love each other.”

Justin held his breath. “This trip to New York is like a honeymoon of sorts for us, okay. I know I revile marriage and think it’s an antiquated concept. I have deep issues with marriage but I know you don’t necessarily share those views because you weren’t raised by wolves like me. I want this to be a trip we remember. Even if we don’t last, our memories of this trip will endure. You get what I’m saying?”

“It’s our Paris, Rick,” Justin said, paraphrasing a line from Casablanca.

“Yeah, Ilsa, it is.”  
Brian stood and reached down to lift Justin up. “You mind going to get the kid? I hate leaving him like this on such short notice but he’s safer with Cynthia than with Debbie. I don’t want him having any contact with Michael.”

“Understood, Captain Kinney.” Justin turned to leave when Brian said, “Thanks.”

Justin offered him a sad smile and crossed the loft to the door. He slid it open and made his way to the rooftop. He found John sprawling on one of the rusting lawn chairs. “Hey,” he said, sitting beside him on the other. “You okay?”

“You guys fight like an old married couple.”

“Don’t let your uncle hear you say that. I don’t think he’d like that much.”

“He loves you, you know. And it scares him.”

“I know. I fell in love with him when he wanted nothing to do with me and thought I knew nothing. Maybe I didn’t know anything but I knew I wanted him and was willing to do whatever it took to get him. Finally, I proved to him that love wasn’t bullshit and he gave me a beautiful, priceless dance that was his way of telling me he loved me. He may be cranky and grumpy and moody but he’s still an amazing person.”

“I know,” John said, standing up. “I wish I’d known that earlier, Justin. It would have been nice to have a man around to talk to when things got shitty with my mom. I don’t know if you noticed but Mom and Grandma are not easy to talk to.”

Justin wisely held his tongue. Yeah, he’d had occasion to notice that. “You okay with us going to New York? You don’t feel like we’re abandoning you?”

“No. I don’t mind staying with Cynthia. I had fun with her. She has all kinds of stories about Uncle Brian. I can’t believe all the shit he pulled.”

“Neither can I,” Justin said, wrapping an arm around John’s shoulders as they made their way down the stairs to the sixth floor. They walked into the loft to find Brian on the phone with the Waldorf Astoria making reservations for a suite.

“All they have is the Honeymoon Suite, honey. Will that suffice?” Brian asked, eyes sparkling with amusement. He was so ready to get the fuck out of this burg before it killed him and Justin.

“Yes, darling that’s fine,” Justin responded, sticking his tongue out at him. Brian could be incredibly silly on occasion; it was just rare to see that side of him when he didn’t have a fifth of whiskey in him or several joints.

Brian hung up the phone and grinned at nephew and partner. “Our flight is at five o’clock in the morning on Friday. We come back on the red-eye on Wednesday morning.” He turned to John and said, “Would you rather spend five days back at home with your mom or with Cynthia?”

“Cynthia,” he responded without hesitation.

“I think you’ve got a crush,” Brian teased.

“Fuck you,” John spat out, clearly embarrassed by his uncle’s observation.

“Don’t tease the kid, Bri. It’s not kind,” Justin said, stepping in before verbal warfare could commence.

“I’ll call Cynthia,” Brian finally said. “We have shopping to do.”

“You can do shopping in New York,” Justin reminded him.

“Not for me, silly wabbit. Shopping for you.”

“What’s wrong with what I wear?”

“Where to start?”

Justin glared at him and Brian smirked, an expression that Justin welcomed for once, as it heralded a return to good humor for Brian. Deciding it wasn’t worth the argument, because he didn’t mind being closeted in a small confined space with a hot Brian, Justin simply nodded and said, “Okay, shopping.”

“Can I go?”

There went the sinful thoughts that ran through both Justin and Brian’s heads, one more example of their synchronicity. “Um,” Brian began and then saw John’s expression fall. He glanced at Justin and the blond shrugged, letting him know that this was up to him. “It won’t be much fun. We’ll be going to Armani and Prada and Dolce & Gabbana.”

Damn, if the kid’s eyes didn’t light up. Brian reappraised his nephew and then said, in a tone heavy with resignation, “Fine, you may accompany us on this shopping trip.”

“Jeez, you sound like some British prig with something stuffed up his ass,” John said, then blushed as he realized what he’d said and to whom.

To their credit, Brian and Justin both began to laugh at the stilted tone adopted by Brian and John’s true to a kid’s response. “Um, sorry,” he offered.

“It’s okay,” Brian said, stifling another laugh. At least, the kid felt comfortable enough to joke around with them. That boded well for the future of their living arrangement. Plus this trip would give him and Justin some much needed time alone. And in the few days before the trip, they could squeeze in a visit to Miranda. Mayhap, Brian thought hopefully, he wouldn’t need to pack condoms and lube. It surprised him that he was the one who seemed to want that more than his lover. “I’m not pissed,” he said, returning his attention to the more pressing matter of his nephew.

Brian’s phone rang and he picked it up and said, “Kinney.”

“Where the fuck are you?!” Cynthia’s irate voice asked.

“Um, home. With my lover and nephew. Why?”

“Business. You own.”  
“I’m not coming in today,” he said, hanging up on Cynthia’s infuriated yelp.

Justin looked askance at him and said dryly, “She’ll tar and feather you when you go in tomorrow.”

Brian shrugged and said, “She’s the one who insisted I take you to New York, reminding me of Vermont.”

Justin nodded wisely and said nothing. John looked rather perplexed and then said, “I’m hungry.”

“Of course you are,” Brian said, dryly. “The Jeep Cherokee will be delivered in a couple of days and then we won’t have to move out of here in shifts.”

“Want me to call my mom and see if we can borrow her car?” Justin asked.

“Christ, that’s fucking embarrassing. Having to call my mother-in-law because my dick on wheels isn’t big enough for more than you and me, Sunshine.”

Justin giggled and Brian glared at him. “Come on, Bri, it’s funny. You’ve never admitted that the ‘vette is a dick on wheels before. I guess it was your midlife crisis car.”

“Fuck you,” Brian rejoined, hitting the speed dial button for Jennifer Taylor even as he glared anew at his lover. “Hey, Jen. It’s Brian. Look I’ve got a favor to ask of you.” A few minutes later, he hung up the phone, scowling.

“She turn you down?”

“No,” Brian said, “but the three of us are to have dinner with her and Molly tonight. That’s the price we pay for borrowing the Lexus.”

“She’s doing us a favor, Brian.”

“I know,” he grumped, “but I still have my pride.” 

Justin smiled at him and pushed the chair back from the desk and then sat astride him, while John watched with a seemingly stunned expression. He’d never seen such blatant affection from anyone, gay or straight, at least not in real life. He couldn’t imagine his mother ever loving anyone the way his uncle obviously loved Justin. He cupped Brian’s chin in his hand and kissed him, saying, “Yes, you do. And Mom loves you, otherwise she’d never have agreed. She’s seen how you drive.”

“Get off me,” he said, as Justin began to squirm on his lap. Brian gave him a warning glance and Justin read it aright as he stopped his movements and stood up before Brian presented John with another reminder of his uncle’s inherent sexuality. “She’ll be here in forty-five minutes.” He narrowed his gaze and asked, “Can you wait until then to eat?”

“Sure. Who’s Molly?” John asked curiously.

“My younger sister.”

“Really?”

“She’s fourteen,” Justin said, and then could have bitten his tongue off.

“Really?”

He narrowed his eyes and said, “Hands off. I know how you Kinney men operate.”

“She may not even be hot,” John rejoined, avoiding looking at his uncle.

Brian was highly amused. Interesting to see Justin become so territorial and protective over his little sister. “Seriously, Brennan, don’t even think about it.”

“At least it’d be keeping it in the family,” Brian said, and then Justin directed a heated glare at him that made him become quiet real fucking fast. “Mol could do worse.”

“Brian Aidan Kinney! Would you shut the fuck up?” Justin asked, in exasperation. “You’re not helping.”

“Oh, I didn’t know I was supposed to help you. And don’t call me by my full name. You’re my boyfriend not my parent.”

“Sometimes you need a parent,” Justin sniped at him.

Suddenly the air became a good ten degrees cooler as Brian stomped in the direction of the bathroom. Justin stared after him and thought, oh fuck, spare me from overly emotional babies. Then he followed after him. Hot on Brian’s heels he stood in the bathroom as Brian pissed. “Want to hold it for me?” Brian snarked, fully aware of his lover’s presence.

“Don’t be an asshole. I’m sorry that I said that. But you don’t need to queen out.”

Brian zipped up and turned to face him. “When I found out my dad had cancer, I went to the backroom. One guy offered to be my daddy. I was so wrecked over the old man that even though I hated him I was pretty fucking terrified by the thought of losing him. I shoved my way past him, saying only that I didn’t need a daddy. You know it’s a sore subject. You had parents who loved you, or at least one. I didn’t have that. Deb was the closest thing to a mom I’ve ever had. And now I’ve got your mom as my mother-in-law. I never wanted this from my life.”

“Tough shit. Brian, it’s not a crime to let people care about you. You’re not an island.”

“I was for nearly thirty years, Justin. And then you happened. Let me have my own pain.”

“It’s not in you to be a lypiphera.”

“A what?” Brian looked at him with an expression that clearly read that he thought Justin had lost his mind.

“It’s a Greek word that translates to mean ‘pain-bearer’. I read it in a Jacqueline Carey book called Kushiel’s Avatar.”

Curiosity roused, Brian said, “What’s it about?”  
“It’s about a courtesan who is also a spy. She has all these adventures and she’s a masochist. Born a child of the gods, she has a flaw that designates her as someone who loves pain, a person in whom the line between pain and pleasure are blurred. It’s a blessing and a curse, Bri. I didn’t mean to prod an open wound. Sometimes I say things carelessly.”

“So do I. And I thought we were thicker skinned than this, Justin.”

“We can cut each other deep and wound each other easily because we are closer to each other than anyone else. Brian, I would never deliberately hurt you.”

“Even if I asked you to?”

“No,” Justin said, shortly. He turned to leave the bathroom and then turned around. “I’m glad we’re going to New York, Brian.”

“Me too.”


	18. Complications of the Mind

Some of Brian's actions may seem out of character. Reviews are welcomed. Also, I apologize for the length of time it's taken me to post. Real life intervened. Thanks.

* * *

"Me too.” And Brian would never have believed the sense of relief and calm that came to him with that simple pronouncement. “Hey, Justin, would I like that series?”

“Possibly. I’ll pack the first one.”

“Don’t think I’ll be doing much reading,” Brian said deadpan.

“You never know,” Justin said, moving to the dresser to change into something that his mom wouldn’t criticize.

Brian smirked and saw Justin’s movements and finally said, “Why are you changing? You worried your mommy won’t approve of what you’re wearing?”

“Fuck off, Brian.”

Brian did so, figuring that if they were going to fight it wouldn’t be over something as minor as clothing.

Later that day, a tired and amused Brian flopped into a chair at the food court while John and Justin went to hit the arcade, leaving him with the bags of their purchases. He had spent more money than he’d intended and a lot of it had gone to John, surprisingly enough. He was closing his eyes to take a brief nap when his cell phone rang. He glared at the display and then finally picked it up, snarling, “What?”

“We need to talk,” Michael’s whiny voice said.

“Fuck you and the jackass you rode in on. I have nothing more to say to you.”

“You’re going to take his side over mine? You won’t even give me a chance to explain.”

Brian sat up and contemplated just severing the conversation but he had some perverse desire to see just how Michael would attempt to spin his blatant betrayal. “Explain away, Mikey.”

At the nickname, Michael breathed a sigh of relief. He can’t be too pissed if he’s calling me that, he thought. “He’s going to California in a few weeks, Brian. What are you going to do when he’s gone? You know that you’ll be fucking your way through the backroom the night he leaves.”

“Michael, how many times did I trick on the Liberty Ride?”

“Um,” Michael said, having to think about it. “Three times,” he suggested, not having a clue. He’d been too wrapped up in the idea of marrying Ben to worry about his best friend’s scorecard.

“Nice try. I didn’t fuck around on him, Michael. I could have but I didn’t. So explain away your behavior.”

“When he’s gone who will you have to talk to? And hang out with?”

Brian wanted desperately to tell Michael that Justin wasn’t going but knew it wasn’t his place and he wanted to be there when Justin dropped that bomb on sad little Mikey. “I have a job and a kid. And my nephew is staying with me.”

 

“Yeah, what the fuck is up with that?”

“Family business.”

“I’m your family.”

“Family doesn’t mean fucking the other person over. And contrary to popular belief, my life is not a novel for you to read whenever you please. I have a right to privacy.”

Michael knew he was rapidly losing ground and didn’t know how to fix it. “You need me,” he said, knowing he sounded desperate. “And you hate your nephews.”

“No, Michael, you’re the one person I don’t need in my life right now. And the topic is not up for discussion.”

“But Brian—”

“Go find your husband, Michael. I’m tired of playing this game. I’m not explaining my decision about either Justin or John to you. It’s none of your fucking business.”

“You wouldn’t have even crossed the fucking finish line if it wasn’t for me. You did that because I was there to push you forward and remind you of everyone who said you couldn’t do it. What will you do without me? Justin was off in California.”

At that, Brian began to laugh. Poor, naïve little Michael. Deluded little Michael. “I crossed that fucking finish line because I saw Justin was there. It had nothing to do with you, Michael. You’re so fucking pathetic. I crossed the finish line because I saw him and knew that my future lay with him and I wanted to finish because everyone said I couldn’t. My past lies with you. Grow the fuck up, Michael.” He hung up before Michael could say anything more.

He reached for his soda and drained it, wondering if he could convince lover and nephew to hit the road. He had little opportunity to debate it because a laughing Justin and John flopped into the two seats opposite him. “Hey,” he said.

Justin gave him a considering look and asked, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, let’s catch a movie.”

Justin pulled a few bills from the pocket of his jeans and handed them to John saying only to get him a soda. John started to protest, saw the expression on both of their faces, and then beat a hasty retreat. “Want to tell me what’s up?”

“Michael called,” Brian said.

“And?”

“He tried to take credit for me crossing the finish line at the Ride. And said that the minute you were in the air, I’d be fucking my brains out.”

“So why did you push yourself across that finish line?” Justin asked the question that he’d been wondering for days.

“You.”

Justin stared at him and said, “Me?”

Leaning back in the chair, he looked tired and like he’d just fought a final battle. Finally opening his eyes and meeting Justin’s gaze he said, “I don’t think you really understand the affect you have on me, Sunshine. My collarbone hurt like fire and then I saw you standing there and all I wanted to do was prove to you that I could still do it, that I was still the man you fell in love with. I had time to do a lot of thinking on that ride and it all came down to one simple factor: you. ” Lest Justin become too comfortable in the knowledge of the power he had over his lover, Brian added, “And I wanted to finish that fucking race because of all the people who said I shouldn’t and couldn’t make it.”

Not used to a needy Brian or an openly vulnerable Brian, Justin didn’t know what to say. Going over the events of the past few days in his head, Justin figured that sooner or later Brian was going to crash from the emotional strain. For once, he’d be there to pick up the pieces when Brian gave into emotional exhaustion. He knew that both of them needed this sojourn to New York, as much as they needed to breathe. And while the thought of hitting all the museums made him pretty ecstatic, he was equally as happy about spending some time with Brian away from the prying eyes of their so-called ‘family’.

Luckily or unluckily, depending on who you asked, John returned at that particular moment. He studied their faces and said, “You guys want me to hit the arcade again?”

“No. Any movies you want to see or do you want to head home?”

“Um, home. Can we stop by my mom’s house and pick up some stuff?”

Trading glances with Justin, Brian nodded and said, “Sure. You want me to come in?”

“Not unless you want to. When do we have that appointment with Dr. Jameson?”

“At four-thirty,” Brian answered. “She’ll probably want to talk to you alone and then to both of us.” 

Later that afternoon, Justin found himself alone in the loft. Bored with both John and Brian gone, he pulled up his e-mail and noticed a message from Brett Keller, asking him to call him. He’d been putting off this conversation for days but knew he could no longer do so. On one hand, he hated disappointing Brett but what was going on at home was more important. On the other hand, Michael’s reaction might just make everything worth it. He’d have a legitimate reason to bust the other man’s balls for the appalling manner in which he’d been treating Brian. 

He dialed Brett’s direct number at the studio, relieved when he got the man himself and not his voice mail. “Brett, it’s Justin Taylor.”

“Hey, excited about working on the movie?”

“Um, that’s actually why I called. I’m not going to be able to work on the movie, Brett.”

He could hear Brett inhale and braced himself for a tirade; he was pleasantly surprised to hear the other man begin to laugh. “That’s why I called you. The studio bigwigs want someone with a little more experience as art director. You’re still more than welcome on the set and I’ll fly you out whenever you want to come see how the shoot is progressing.”

“Thanks, Brett. I was really worried that you’d be pissed.”

 

“Everything okay in the Pitts?”

“Just some family stuff,” Justin reluctantly answered, not wanting to get into the details of the situation. 

“Well, I hope everything works out. Have you told Michael about this?”

“Nope.”

“Good luck,” Brett said. “Hey, Taylor, I’m sorry it didn’t work out but maybe it’s for the best.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he responded, noncommittally.

He hung up the phone with Brett and grabbed the keys to the ‘vette. Scribbling a quick note to Brian, he let his lover know he’d had an errand to run and would be back in time for dinner. He armed the alarm and locked the loft door behind him. 

It didn’t take him long to reach the Red Cape, knowing that Michael often kept banker’s hours. He was relieved to see the open sign still in the window. He pulled up in front and made sure to lock the car; Brian would kill him if anything happened to the Corvette before he sold it. 

Michael looked up from a stack of receipts he was going over and met Justin’s gaze with a steely glare of his own; it might have worked coming from Brian, but directed at him by Michael it was just pathetic. “Hello, Mikey.”

“Boy Wonder,” Michael said, sarcastically. “To what do I owe the dubious pleasure of your visit?”  
“Let’s cut the crap. You’re fucking with Brian and you hurt him.”

“No, Boy Wonder, that’s your department. You get his heart and then you walk out on him. I’ve never done that to him.”

“Dr. Dave,” Justin reminded him. “That’s not the issue. Brian’s raw and is going through a lot of shit right now and he doesn’t need you to fuck things up for him.”

“I’m not explaining my relationship with Brian to you, you fucking little twink. He will never give you the words you want so desperately.”

Justin smiled, a half-smile that caused Michael to back up a pace. He’d seen that look on Brian’s mien before but he’d never seen it on Justin’s. “You’ll never know, now will you?” he taunted.

Michael turned away to put the receipts back in a drawer and then turned back to face him, unsure of his ground where the young blond was concerned. “Brian is incapable of loving anyone other than Brian.” He paused and asked, “So when do you go to California?”

Justin waited a half-beat and then delivered the coup de grace. “I’m not,” he said. “I’m staying in Pittsburgh.”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Michael fairly screeched.

Justin only smiled and said, “I’m staying with Brian. I’m moving in with Brian. We’ve put a bid in on the loft downstairs.”

 

“Don’t get too comfortable,” Michael hissed. “It’s only a matter of time before he kicks you out on your bubble butt.” Even he knew that the fact that Brian and Justin were buying real estate spoke of a step in the direction of permanency.

“Michael, you’re so pathetic,” Justin drawled lazily, tone reminiscent of Brian at his most sarcastic.

It was clear that Michael didn’t miss the resemblance to his best friend’s tone and hated the fact that Justin had used an insult that he and Brian had fairly patented as teenagers. He turned to go and Michael said quietly, “He’s going to lose his son, Justin.”

“You fuck with Brian, you fuck with both of us.”

“You’re not his fucking husband,” spat Michael.

“No, Mikey, but I am his partner. And I’ll do whatever is necessary to keep Brian safe, happy, and protected. And at the end of the night, I’m the one sleeping in his arms. I’m the one sharing his bed and his life. Don’t fuck with him. I won’t warn you again.”

“I’m not scared of you.”

Justin turned to glare at Michael and quietly said, “He and I have dealt with bigger problems than a cockroach like you, Mikey. I remembered the prom, Michael. I remembered everything about that night and you ought to remember that he chose me. I know what you said to him at the party about how you thought he should have left me to bleed on that garage floor. You’re lucky all he did was give you a shiner. He could have fucking killed you. You couldn’t have hurt him more. You were there that fucking night; you saw him on the edge of absolute, sheer despair. Can you deny that there was some little part of you that watched Brian in complete nuclear meltdown and didn’t hope that I wouldn’t pull through?”

“You little fuck—”

“Uh, uh, uh,” Justin cautioned. “I protect what’s mine, Mikey. You’ve always been on my brown list but now you’re on my black list. I won’t let you hurt him again.”

“And what happens when you get tired of playing house with him and want someone younger and less fucked up than Brian? What happens then?”

“I left him once and it was the biggest mistake of my life. You told me once that I should have stayed gone. If that was what Brian wanted, he would never have let me back in. He was fucking miserable without me in his life and I was miserable without him. I love him, Michael. All his flaws and idiosyncrasies and everything about him. It’s not about sex with me and Brian. It’s about the fact that we have this connection that nobody understands, not even us. But it ties us together.”

“You’ll never have with him what Ben and I have.”

“And you don’t get it. I don’t want what you and Ben have, Michael. I want Brian. Any way I can get him, in any shape or condition. It doesn’t matter to me that he shuts me out or that he may fuck other people. At the end of the night, I’m the one he comes home to.”

“So what couples who trick together stay together?” Michael snapped at him.

 

“Yeah, Michael. Because he and I share something that you will never understand. Leave him the fuck alone until you understand that I’m not going anywhere. He’s more important to me than a fucking movie. He’s more important to me than a relationship with my dad. I’ve given up a lot to be with Brian and I don’t regret a fucking decision I’ve made. The only decision I regret is leaving him when we needed each other most.”

“So what’s the deal with Claire’s son?”

“Family business.”

“I’ve been his family for twenty years, you fucking little twat. Where the fuck were you when he crawled through my window after having the shit kicked out of him by his drunk old man? Where the hell were you when he cried about the coach moving out of district at the end of freshman year?”

“Where the fuck were you when his mom found out about him being gay? Where the hell were you when Stockwell and Vance dropped in on us unannounced? Where the fuck were you when he lost his fucking job?” Justin turned the questions back on him. “I’ll tell you. You were fucking gleeful when he was kicked off Stockwell’s campaign for being gay. I was the one who sat there and watched our calm, cool, calculated Brian lose it when he realized that he was gonna lose everything because he has principles. I was there when he told his sister about having cancer. I was there for him the night Stockwell lost the election. It was me who he embraced when those results came in. I’m there for him, Michael.”

“He needs me,” Michael protested.

“No, Michael, I need him,” a voice from behind them said. “I’m sorry that you can’t accept that. I’ve made my choice and it’s not you.”

Michael and Justin both turned to see Brian in the doorway, flipping the open sign to closed. “You can’t do that.”

“Let’s have a chat about things I can’t do, Mikey, shall we? I heard every fucking word you said.” Justin started to speak and Brian held up a hand for silence and Justin understood. “I never realized until tonight just how much you resent Justin. But I think back on that first night when I started to go down on him and the look in your eyes. I should have known then that my fate had already been sealed with his. Yeah, I was flying on E but I knew who I wanted and it burned your ass that it wasn’t you.”

“Well what the hell did you expect? You’d kiss me with a fucking tab of E on your tongue and then you’d fondle me in the stall at Babylon. You gave me every reason to hope that someday you’d come to your senses. And then the little blond twink came into our lives and suddenly I wasn’t so important anymore. I’ve seen you through a lot of shit, Brian. Even on that trip to rescue the brat, you gave me reason to hope. And you nearly fucked me the night your dad died.”

“And I fucked the shit out of him in that hotel room, Michael, until he was screaming and begging me for more, harder and faster. I would have killed for a fucking camcorder that day to tape us fucking. He was not a trick at that point only I was too selfish and deluded to realize it. I loved him back then, Michael, and I didn’t realize it because I didn’t have a clue what love was. And there was a part of you that nearly didn’t hold back that night my dad died. Sad thing is I hoped, really hoped, that Justin would be there that night.”

“I loved you.”

 

“No, Michael, you love the idea of me. Lindsay loves the idea of me. Gus and Justin are probably the only two person in the whole fucking world who actually love me for me. And I don’t want what you and Ben have. It doesn’t matter how many ceremonies you go through to prove your love to each other, Justin knows how I feel about him. He knows because I’ve told him in all the ways that matter. He keeps me grounded. And when I have a nuclear meltdown, he’s the one who brings me back from the edge.”

“I keep you grounded.”

“And he allows me to fly when I need to. He understands that sometimes I just need to get the fuck away. And sometimes I want him to fly with me because even an eagle doesn’t always want to be alone. I’m not going to start spouting lesbianic shit or schmaltz but he’s right. He was the one who got my bracelet back from my nephew and came to give it to me, when we weren’t together. He’s the one who had the balls to recognize that he made a mistake and came to find me when he realized that Ian wasn’t who he really wanted. I didn’t let him back in my life because he begged or pleaded. If he’d done that, I probably wouldn’t have let him come back. He came to me like a man, admitting his mistake and letting me know that he recognized me for me and wasn’t pushing for any substitutions. When you printed the comic about JT melting Rage’s cold heart and JT was going down on him, Justin came to me that night. He gave me a blow job and then stood there when the trick asked him who he was. I said it was hard to define and then Justin said that he was the guy I fuck more than once. He’s my partner, Michael. I considered him my partner when I went to Chicago to land that account instead of going with him to Vermont. Do you know how many times I have regretted that? That one simple decision cost me valuable time with him.”

“I didn’t think you’d want me to interfere.”

“Fuck that. You’re a weak little faggot who didn’t have the balls to stand up to a scared teenage kid.”

“A scared teenage kid?” Michael screeched. “That kid accused you of fondling him, Brian.”

“I’m aware of my history with my nephews, thank you. I don’t need a refresher course in Kinney family history. It’s not any of your concern why John is staying with me. And you’ve crossed the line one too many times when it comes to me and Justin. You intentionally misled him and then came to tell me that he knew about me being sick.”

“I was trying to be a good friend.”

“No,” Brian said, shaking his head. “You were trying to insure that your place by my side was locked in stone, reminding Justin that his position was transient. What you forgot is that I often push those I love off cliffs because I think that’s what is best for them. You pushed Justin off a cliff because you wanted me for yourself.”

“Brian, he’s snowed you into believing that he’s the good guy in all of this and I’m Mephistopheles.”

“Mikey, I’m impressed you know who Mephistopheles is but I figure that’s because you like the musical Cats. No, you’re the one who did such a brilliant job of snowing me. And it might have worked had I not realized that when the chips are down, the one person who won’t intentionally fuck me over is Justin.” Brian glanced at his lover who’d stayed silent throughout the confrontation.

“So you’re willing to throw away our friendship because of a little blond piece of ass?” Michael bit out.

 

“No, I’m willing to throw away our friendship because you’re pathetic. I offered once to fuck you and you turned me down. Thing is if you’d said yes, I would have lost Justin because I’d have cheated on him.”

“Every time you fuck another guy, you’re cheating on him.”

Justin and Brian exchanged glances and Brian inclined his head slightly, letting Justin know he could field this one. “No, he isn’t. The only way he’d cheat on me is with someone we both know is something more than just a casual trick. I forgot that, Michael. Thank God, I remembered that fact.”

Brian wrapped an arm around Justin’s waist and they faced Michael who had gone white. “Michael, leave us the fuck alone. I’m happy for the first time in my life and it’s sure as hell not because of you. Go hang out with Smelly Mel and your daughter. Leave me and mine alone. I won’t warn you again.”

“You’re going to lose Gus,” Michael warned.

Justin felt Brian tense and then said, “We’re the ones who are in a committed relationship, Michael.”

“It’s a sham, a façade because you hate the term lovers.”

Brian started to answer and felt an answering pressure from Justin, knowing the gesture was a cautionary reminder that some things were better left unsaid until they needed to be revealed. 

“Goodbye, Mikey,” Brian said, opening the door and letting Justin go through it first. They walked around the corner in silence and Brian leaned against an unlit lamppost.

“I—”

“Come here,” he said quietly. Justin moved towards him and Brian clasped him in an embrace. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Having my back and keeping me from killing the little son of a bitch.”

“Debbie’s gonna ream you out for hurting her poor wittle Mikey.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a long time coming, sonny boy. If I didn’t have you in my life, I’d be devastated over this. I’d be crawling into a bottle of Beam right now or fucking my way through the entire starting line-up of the Steelers.”

“You regret it?”

Brian hesitated for a moment, inhaling, then slowly exhaling before answering, “No. Well, I regret that he forced my hand. But I think this is a long time coming. He’s going to go crying to Emmett and Theodore, saying how mean I was to him. How mean you were to him.”

“So you cut him off at the pass. You go to Em and Ted first, telling them your side of the story.”

“Ted’ll back any move Michael makes,” Brian reminded him. “Remember the shrine I told you about that Ted had?”

 

Justin shuddered and Brian grinned at him. “Exactly.”

“I think Em will be behind you, Bri. He won’t forget that it was you who reminded him that losing Ted wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. He respects you. In a lot of ways, you are similar.”

Brian raised an eyebrow and glared down at him. “I know you did not just compare me to a flamboyant queen.”

“Oh calm down,” Justin said, suppressing a giggle. “I just meant that you are open and proud of your sexuality and don’t give a shit what people say about you. Look at how Em handled the thing with Drew Boyd.”

“Don’t remind me,” Brian said, still smarting over that little incident. “I wanted to kill that fucker and it was a damn good thing that I didn’t know he was fucking Emmett until after he bought his way out of the contract with Kinnetik.”

“So you weren’t the slightest bit attracted to him?”

“I might have said something about him selling an awful lot of Kleenex, Sunshine. But I don’t like fucking someone with an ego as big as mine. And Drew Boyd had that in spades.”

They continued to walk and then Justin stopped on the sidewalk. “I drove here in the Corvette.” He stared at Brian and said, “How’d you know I was here?”

“You left your e-mail account up with the message from Keller. So what happened with him?”

“Studio bigwigs want someone with more experience so he was calling to let me know that the offer was rescinded.”

Brian nearly grinned and then schooled his features. Justin noticed the action and the hasty cover and said, “It’s okay if you’re happy.”

“Fucking ecstatic is more like it, Sunshine. So how’d she handle?”

“Great. I miss the jeep but I don’t think I’ll miss the Corvette.”

Brian studied him as they reached the ‘vette and posed a question, face not betraying the emotions that lay behind it. “You know why I sold the jeep, right?”

“Too many memories of us fucking in the jeep? Too many memories of me jacking off or blowing you while you were driving?”

“Got it in one. You get an ‘A’ plus, sonny boy. I knew there was a reason I keep you around.”

Justin got in the passenger seat, knowing that Brian needed to drive, to maintain some semblance of control. “So did you leave John at the loft?”

“Yeah, he’s happy with his I-Pod. I didn’t realize how easy it was to keep him entertained. He’s kind of stoked about eating dinner with your mom and Molly.”

“I was serious earlier, Brian. I don’t want John to put the moves on her.”

 

“I don’t think you need to worry about that. He’s too bruised right now to even think about making a play for her. This shit with the priest has laid him bare. And I think if my mom suggested he do penance, John might actually welcome the experience of being scourged. He feels that fucking guilty over something that isn’t even his fault.”

“How did the session go with Miranda?”

“Not bad.”

“Not bad?”

Brian glanced at him and said, “If John wants to talk about it, he will. I’m not gonna turn around and betray his confidence. Not even to you, Sunshine.”

Justin fell silent, lost in his own thoughts, and then felt the reassuring presence of Brian’s palm on his, fingers interlaced. It was such a casual touch but one that could keep them connected even when other things weren’t possible.


	19. Complications of the Mind

Some of Brian's actions may seem out of character. Reviews are welcomed. Also, the medical condition is fully grounded in the realm of fantasy - no such condition exists.

* * *

At seven o’clock that evening, Brian and Justin sat uneasily on the couch in Jennifer Taylor’s living room. John sat in an easy chair and Molly sat Indian-style on the floor. The two teenagers glanced at each other occasionally and finally Jennifer said, “Why don’t you two go surf the net? Dinner will be ready in about half an hour.”

Justin’s expression turned dark as John and Molly disappeared upstairs. “Mom!” he protested.

Giving him a bland expression, Jennifer opened her eyes wide and asked, “What’s wrong, honey?”

Pouting, Justin said, “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”

Jennifer looked at Brian and he squirmed under her insistent gaze. “Stop staring please. It makes me itchy.”

“Want something to drink?” she asked, ever the polite hostess.

“Double bourbon on the rocks,” Brian said, ignoring the look his partner gave him. “Stop acting like a nervous father,” he hissed under his breath. 

When Jennifer returned, she asked, “So when are you going to California, sweetheart?”

“Um, I’m not,” he said.

“What?” she asked, glancing at Brian who shrugged his shoulders. “Why?”

“The studio honchos want someone with more experience.”

“Are you disappointed?”

“Kind of.” Justin reached for Brian’s glass of whiskey and took a deep swallow. 

 

Jennifer smiled at him and noted that her son’s partner didn’t even bat an eyelash at the familiarity of the gesture but then she realized they shared even more intimate things so drinking after each other was nothing. Still, she kind of missed that sort of casual intimacy that came with being lovers. “Um, Jen,” Brian began. “We’re going to New York on Friday.”

“Business trip?”

Brian swallowed deeply and it was his turn to reach for the glass. “No, a honeymoon of sorts,” he said, biting the words off as if it were a pencil snapping in two.

“Honeymoon?” she repeated, glancing at him. “You two have something you want to tell me?”

Justin glared at Brian and then said, “It’s an opportunity for us to spend some time together away from the Pitts. We’re not getting married, Mom.”

“Oh,” Jennifer said, unaware that her expression conveyed disappointment in that simple pronouncement. She wouldn’t mind seeing her son and Brian exchange vows, she realized, thinking of how far they’d all come. How much they’d all weathered together and the storms that Brian and Justin were bound to face in the future. “You two need someone to watch John?”

“I was going to ask Cynthia,” Brian said. “But if you’re offering—” he let his words trail off and she glanced askance at him.

“For pity’s sake, Brian. It’s not an imposition and I don’t mind keeping an eye on him.”

“But—” he began and then stopped unsure of what he’d intended to say.

“You’re going to hurt my feelings,” she warned him. “We’re family, remember.”

At the simple words, Brian stood wordlessly and crossed to the doors that opened onto a small patio. He opened the doors and stepped outside, closing the doors behind him. Jennifer looked at her son and asked, “Was it something I said?”

Slowly Justin shook his head and glanced out at his lover standing alone on the patio. “No, Mom. Just let him be.”

“Did something happen today?” she asked, unable or unwilling to let the subject drop for the sake of all involved. It was something that came with being a mother, Justin thought.

Justin dragged his eyes back to meet his mother’s warm gaze and finally said, “He found out that Michael is going to support Melanie to keep him away from Gus. That his best friend isn’t so much of a friend as he once thought.”

“Are you two okay?” Jennifer asked, knowing how important Michael was to Brian. She glanced at her son-in-law standing by himself on the patio and wondered at the wounds that ran deep within Brian’s soul.

They watched Brian pull a crumpled pack of cigarettes from his pocket and light up. “He looks so sad,” she observed. “And so alone.”

“For a long time Michael was all he had, Mom. He’s mourning a loss in the only way Brian knows how. I’m just surprised that he’s coping like this.”

 

“Pain management?” 

Justin narrowed his eyes at his mother and said, “You’ve been talking to Debbie.” His voice was full of reproach and Jennifer shifted under the accusing gaze.

“I know that Brian often went to the bars when he was hurt to fuck someone. I know that he often drinks or gets high when the pain gets to be too much.” She glanced at her son and finally said, “Shouldn’t you go out there?”

Justin shook his head. “He’ll come back in when he’s ready.”

As if Brian had heard the words, he turned to look at them. From his place outside, Brian took a deep drag on the cigarette and finally sat down on one of the chairs, quietly smoking. Left alone with his thoughts was often a negative but today he needed the solitude. He was sure his mother-in-law was wondering at his behavior and curious as to why his lover wasn’t outside with him.

Brian finally tossed the cigarette aside and stood. He opened the door and returned to the living room. “If you want to smoke,” Jennifer began, “you don’t have to go outside.”

Justin stared at his mom but remained silent. Amazing how things had changed, he observed. Brian gave a brusque nod, returning to his seat on the couch. He put one hand on the sofa and Justin placed his on top. Brian gently squeezed and Jennifer bit her lip. She’d never seen Brian with all his defenses down but somehow her son had breached his armor. “Honey,” she said quietly, “why don’t you go check on the kids?”

Justin nodded and left the living room to check on John and Molly, leaving Brian and Jennifer alone to talk. Brian studied his hands as if they were a fascinating piece of object d’art. She stood and said, “You mind helping me with the food?”

Brian dragged his gaze from his hands upward to land on her face. He offered a hesitant smile and then nodded. He followed her into the kitchen, leaning against the counter, as she pulled down plates and glasses. She handed him the plates and Brian set them at the respective places. He wondered for a brief moment who sat at the head of her table now that Craig was gone and then dismissed it. No need to torture himself with that reminder. She removed a crystal ashtray from the nether regions of the cabinet and handed it to Brian wordlessly.

“Thanks,” he said quietly.

Jennifer gave him an appraising glance and said, “John’s welcome to crash here tonight, Brian. You look exhausted.”

“Thanks for the offer but I’m not pawning him off on you. He’s my nephew.”

“I care about you, Brian. All I meant was that he’s more than welcome to crash in the extra bedroom.”

“Sorry for being an asshole,” Brian said, feeling somewhat sheepish for his churlish behavior. “It’s been a long day and I am wiped. If your offer still stands about taking the kid while Sunshine and I are in New York, I’d like to drop him off on Thursday night. We have a 5 a.m. flight.”

“Why so early?” she asked, curiosity winning out over her reluctance to pry.

 

Brian smiled slightly. He pulled out his cigarettes and extracted one, looking at her for permission. She nodded, “Go ahead.”

Lighting up gratefully, he said, “The last time Justin was in New York he didn’t have an opportunity to see much of the sights. And he got hurt before we could go to the Bahamas. And then business got in the way of us going to Vermont. I’m trying my damndest to make up for the vacations together we’ve lost. This one is not going to get fucked up. I intend to make this the best five days of his life, Jen. It’s—he’s important to me.”

“Got it,” she said. She removed a dish from the oven and Brian inhaled and then raised an eyebrow. 

“Deb’s vegetarian lasagna?” he asked.

Jennifer nodded. “I know how you feel about carbs but I figured you might forgo your rule if I made this without meat.”

Touched, Brian spoke around the sudden lump in his throat, “Thanks.”

“Mind going and getting Justin?” 

Silently, Brian shook his head, crushing out his cigarette. He stepped towards her and then said quietly, “Thank you, Mother Taylor.”

“You used to say that so sarcastically,” she observed.

Brian looked at her and smiled. “You’ve had the dubious pleasure of making the acquaintance of my mother, Jen. I know you wondered why I made the point of introducing you to her as my mother-in-law.”

“The thought did cross my mind,” she admitted.

“I don’t know that Justin and I will ever move beyond being partners but he’s the closest thing I’ve got to a husband, Jen. And you’re the closest thing I’ve got to a mom other than Debbie. It wasn’t meant sarcastically or to demean or ridicule you. I dislike my mother with a passion that borders on pathos but I don’t feel that way about you.”

“I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me, Brian.”

“Don’t spread that around,” he cautioned her, then lightened the words with a grin. 

He crossed to the foot of the stairs and then made his way up. He paused in the doorway to the first bedroom, finding Justin sacked out on the bed, snoring lightly. He closed the door behind him and lay down on the bed beside him. Poor kid, he thought, as he wondered just how much trouble he’d get into if he seduced his lover with his mother cooking dinner downstairs. Bad Brian, bad Brian, bad Brian, his good angel said. But his bad angel thought it was a good idea. Fortunately for all concerned, the door swung open and John burst in, stopping dead in his tracks as he saw them.

He backed out, closing the door behind him. He and Molly went downstairs where her mom was prepping the salad. Jennifer looked at her daughter and John and said, “Where are Brian and Justin?”

It was John who answered. “Justin’s asleep in the guest room and I think Brian’s close to it.”

 

“I’ll go get Jus,” Molly volunteered, eager for the opportunity to torment her older brother. 

Jennifer narrowed her eyes and finally just shook her head. “Leave the boys alone, Molly. Dinner will keep and I can send the leftovers home with your brother.”

“I want to talk to Brian,” Molly protested. “I like Brian.”

John snorted and was the recipient of a Molly Taylor glare. “What is your damage?” she snapped at him.

“Don’t be such a girl,” John said, reaching to nip a piece of lettuce from the salad only to have his hand swatted by Jennifer. He had to admit the dinner smelled better than anything his mother had ever attempted to cook. And the only really decent thing his grandmother could cook was the chocolate chocolate chip cake that she could only make when she wasn’t three-sheets to the wind.

“Okay, kids,” Jennifer said, cutting a healthy slab of lasagna for John and a smaller portion for her and Molly. “Let’s eat.”

“You don’t want to call the guys down?” Molly asked, hopefully.

“Let them sleep, honey. I think they need it.”

“I know they need it,” John said, then flushed as he realized what he’d revealed. His uncle was gonna kill him, he thought.

The rhythmic sound of Justin’s light snoring lulled Brian into sleep as he curled around him. When Justin awoke, it was to find that a blanket had been put over them and he wasn’t alone in bed. He glanced at the digital clock and uttered a muffled curse. He gently untangled himself from Brian and quietly opened the door, walking to the master bedroom. His mom was in bed reading and Justin tapped on the door. She looked up and smiled at him. “Hi, honey.”

“Where’s John?” he asked, voice sleep-roughened.

“He’s asleep on the couch downstairs. Go back to bed, honey. I’ll take you guys home in the morning.” She put a finger in the book to mark her place and said, “There’s lasagna in the fridge downstairs if you and Brian get hungry.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Justin said, turning to return to the guest room. He closed the door behind him and encountered a visibly sleepy and cranky Brian. “I woke up and you weren’t there,” he grumbled.

“Come back to bed, Brian.”

“John?”

“Downstairs couch. Come on, Bri.”

Unusually docile, Brian let himself be led back to the bedroom. He waited as Justin turned down the covers and they both undressed, sliding naked underneath the covers. Brian made a strange sound as Justin settled in his arms and it prompted the blond to ask a question. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m someone’s son-in-law,” Brian said, still vaguely unnerved at the thought.

 

“I know.” Brian fretted about things at the oddest of times, Justin observed. “Go to sleep.”

“Want to fuck you.”

Justin glanced at him, realizing after a moment that he was serious as a heart attack. “We can’t have sex in my mother’s house,” he hissed at him.

“Why not? She knows we fuck,” Brian reminded him. “And she knows we do it a lot. We fucked in Michael’s old bedroom.”

“That was different,” Justin said, but couldn’t really figure out how that was different, only knowing that it was.

“Fine,” Brian finally said, irritation clear in his voice.

“We don’t have anything with us.”

Brian turned onto his side and looked at Justin. “Justin. You can’t tell me that you don’t want to feel me inside you without latex. I’m offering.”

Justin couldn’t explain his reluctance and he knew he was close to pissing Brian off. He sat up and looked at his lover. “It doesn’t seem right somehow.”

Brian huffed and closed his eyes as he heard Justin settle in bed. Justin’s torso against his back, Brian felt Justin’s arms creep around him. “I love you. I know it was my idea but I want it to be right.”

“Goodnight, Justin. We have an appointment with Miranda tomorrow afternoon.”

Around three, Brian pulled on his jeans and padded downstairs. He walked into the kitchen and removed the container of leftovers. He pulled out a beer and nuked the lasagna. He was eating when he saw a blond head sitting across the table from him. “Why are you pissed?” asked Justin, speaking quietly because John was still sleeping.

“I don’t really know. It just feels like you’re rejecting me.”

“We have sex nearly every time either of us are in the mood and sometimes when we’re not. Christ, Brian, our sex life should be studied by Masters & Johnson. I don’t like feeling guilty for wanting to be sure we’re ready. I know that it would have been a huge mistake to fuck bareback when I originally suggested it. We weren’t in that place yet. I think we are now.”

“What are you waiting for? A Goodyear blimp to fly across the sky with a banner that reads ‘Brian loves Justin’?” Brian asked sarcastically. He took a last bite of lasagna and leaned back in his chair.

“Fuck you, Brian,” Justin said, pushing his chair back, unable to hide the telltale sniffle. He crossed the room hearing the muttered curse from behind him. He was halfway up the stairs when Brian turned him around to face him, pulling him flush against his body. “What do you need from me?”

“I don’t know,” Justin said, miserably. “It’s just I don’t want us to fuck raw for the first time in the guestroom at my mother’s house. Can you understand that or are you too horny to see reason?”

 

“Shit, Justin,” Brian said on an exhaled breath, releasing him. Then a realization occurred to him and he met the shining blue eyes of his lover. “You want it to happen in New York,” he said quietly. “You want there to be champagne and rose petals and just you and me without the possibility of interruption. You want this to be our moment of perfect happiness.”

“Yeah,” Justin finally said. “I know you think I’m some silly little faggot for wanting that.”

“Shut up.”

“Brian—”

“Shut up, little boy. I get it.” He reached for Justin’s hand and took it, leading him into the bedroom, closing the door behind them. Justin crawled into bed first, facing away from him and Brian growled in frustration. “Don’t run away from me.”

“Where the fuck would I go?” he snarked.

Brian sighed and climbed back into bed, pulling the covers up over them. “I understand it. I never told you what I had planned for us the night of prom, did I?”

Justin shook his head and reluctantly turned to face his lover. “What did you have planned?”

“Champagne. We were going to fuck all night long and I was ready to let you fuck me. I was ready to face the dawn with you. And then my plans got shot because of that sick, twisted little fuck. And we lost out on the Bahamas.”

“Would you have gone with me?”

Brian smirked. “If you’d asked me, yes. Still think I know fuck-all about romance?”

For the rest of his life, Justin was going to regret saying those words to Brian. “And Vermont?”

“I was going to tell you that I considered you my partner. That wasn’t just us getting away from the Pitts because we needed it; it was a change in the dynamics of our relationship. That pendant you’re wearing is the closest I can come to promising you anything, Justin. I wanted to go on that trip just as much as you did. So New York is really fucking important to me, too. I want those memories to hold onto even if we fade away, Justin. We’re in it for the long haul but that doesn’t mean that we’ll stay together for ever. There will be men we both meet who test the mettle of our relationship. I understand you wanting to wait. I just wish you’d tell me.”

“I thought you’d laugh at me,” he whispered.

Sighing, Brian kissed his forehead. “My silly little boy. My silly little Sunshine. Don’t you know by now that there is little that I find stupid about you? I love you.”

“So you keep saying,” Justin teased quietly.

Brian halfheartedly glared at him. “Go back to sleep, drama princess.”

“ ‘kay,” Justin said, as he drifted back into sleep.

 

Jennifer woke up the next morning to the aroma of coffee brewing. Wrinkling her nose with surprise and unexpected pleasure, it occurred to her that there was only one possible person who had a coffee jones so early in the morning. She pulled on a robe, her good one—not the battered one that she wore out to get the newspaper—and didn’t want to dwell on the reason for that overlong.

She slipped on her slippers and walked downstairs to find Brian at the table, cigarette in hand, newspaper spread out in front of him, and a cup of coffee at his elbow. He looked up sheepishly and said, “I kind of made myself at home.”

Since she could see that and she wanted coffee so much she could kiss him, she simply nodded. Noticing what he was reading, she raised an eyebrow. “The sports page, Brian?”

“I have a client who is a major player in the sports world. I try to keep up and I catch the occasional Steelers game.” He paused and said, “What—you expected me to read the Arts & Leisure section?”

Jennifer blushed and Brian grinned mischievously at her, and she realized belatedly that he was teasing her. It was nice, she reflected, that he was comfortable enough with her now that he could drop his guard and not automatically deflect. “Justin and I work the crossword puzzle on Sundays. We trade off.”

She went to the coffee pot and poured herself a mug, then sat down at the table opposite him. “I’m glad you two are together. I walked into the guest room last night and saw how close you too were.”

Brian frowned slightly and she hurried to explain, “No, nothing like that. It’s just nice seeing how comfortable you are with each other. I never got that sense when he was—well, when he wasn’t with you.”

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, eh?”

“No,” she said shortly. “Want me to fix you some breakfast?”

“I usually just grab an English muffin or a bagel.”

“And sometimes you forgo breakfast altogether.”

“How’d you know?”

“I was married to a Type-A personality, Brian, for twenty years. I see the same drive in your eyes that I saw in Craig’s. Oh, I’m not comparing you to that bastard. I’m just saying that you two share a ruthless business acumen and a drive for success that propels you forwards.”

Settling back in his chair, Brian felt some of the tension ease out of his body. “I never intended for any of this to happen. I never intended to cause Justin to lose his dad. I hated my old man but Justin had the love of his from day one until I walked into his life.” He took a last drag off the cigarette and crushed it out with a ferocity that surprised her.

“Remember me saying I’m onto you when you told me about you being sick?”

Brian nodded and she smiled at him as she got up from the table and went to the refrigerator to remove eggs, butter, and milk. She looked back at him and said, “I consider you my son, Brian. And I think Molly idolizes you. She’s proud that her brother has such a handsome, successful partner.”

Brian blushed, uncomfortable with the effusive praise. Jennifer got out the skillet and proceeded to briskly whisk the eggs together and then returned to the fridge to remove the bacon. “I—um, I like her too. I think she’s a good kid.”

“Thanks.”

Brian took a sip from his cup of coffee and asked, “How was John last night?”

“Your nephew was good. He and Molly teased each other a lot. I think it’s good for him to have a safe place to land away from the pressures.”

“It sucks that he needs a soft place to land, Jen.”

“You had one,” she reminded him softly. 

“It’s what saved me,” he admitted. “Having Deb and Mikey there saved me.”

“I don’t want to pry but if things were that bad why didn’t social services step in to get you out?”

“It’s different today. But I didn’t want Pop to get into any trouble and Mom would just say I was lying. That it was just regular punishment for bad behavior.”

“But it wasn’t normal punishment.”

“No,” Brian agreed, “it wasn’t. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about this.”

Jennifer hesitated a brief moment and gave him a reassuring glance. Reluctantly he continued, “I got a ‘B’ on a math test when Pop wanted me to get an A. A frigging ‘B’, Jen. Not a low, borderline ‘B’ but a high ‘B’. Didn’t matter to him. He saw the test grade and called me downstairs. He told me to go out to the garage and strip down. Then he proceeded to get the bull whip that he’d gotten from some distant relative in Texas or bumfuck Oklahoma and began to lash me with it. I don’t know how many times he hit me but I do know that I blacked out from the pain. I woke up, cold and naked, and alone in our fucking garage. I walked into the house and nobody was there. They’d gone out for some fucking reason.”

Jennifer gasped and Brian smiled sardonically at her instinctive reaction. A hand went to her mouth and she grasped at the edge of the counter. “Oh my God, Brian.”

“It wasn’t unusual, Jen. Then there were the times he’d tie my wrists around a column in the garage and beat me with a fucking belt. And then he’d hit me.” He avoided looking at her, knowing that he’d see the sympathy that all the Taylors were so good at. He didn’t want or need that. “Just an ordinary day in the Kinney household.” He wasn’t about to share the horrors that Claire had experienced.

“What about your mom?”

He barked a short laugh and said, “She’d get lost in a bottle of sherry, thankful that it was me who got the brunt of Pop’s anger and not her.”

“Why did he hate you so much?” she breathed out.

Brian’s mouth twisted in a snarl. “Because I was the boy who lived.”

 

She turned back to the skillet, checking on the eggs, aware that tears were coursing down her face.

In the living room, John shivered underneath his pile of blankets. He suddenly understood his uncle a little better. He couldn’t believe that the man who’d taught him how to play darts was the same man who had so brutalized his son. It cast a whole new light on his grandfather and his grandmother.

Finally he sat up and walked to the downstairs bathroom. When he returned to the living room, he saw Brian’s eyes were trained on him though he rather thought his uncle wasn’t really seeing him but a blank space. Jennifer turned around, spooning eggs onto two plates, and smiled at John. She saw Brian’s vacant expression and said quietly, “John, go get Justin. Now.”

John nodded and fairly ran up the stairs. He opened the bedroom door and said, “Justin. Wake up.”

Justin stirred sleepily in bed and then slowly, very slowly, opened his eyes. He saw the scared expression of John and said, “What’s wrong?”

“Brian.”

Hastily grabbing a pair of sweatpants that he’d intentionally left at his mom’s, Justin took the stairs two at a time, ahead of John. He knelt at his lover’s feet and looked up at his mother. “What happened?”

“He was telling me about his childhood and all of a sudden he just zoned out.”

“Fuck!” Justin said vehemently.

Jennifer stifled an immediate chastisement and realized now wasn’t the time. Her son was concerned about his lover. “Bri,” Justin said, spreading his hands on Brian’s thighs. “Come on back to me.”

“Does this happen a lot?” Jennifer asked, worry clear in her tone.

“No,” Justin said shortly. “It only happens when he goes into emotional overload and his body just decides Brian’s had enough.” He looked at his mom and John. “Can you two give us some space?”

Jennifer nodded and looked at the teenager. “We’ll be upstairs, honey. Take your time.” For the first time, she saw the fragility in Brian that lay underneath all the steel that he presented to the public.

When they were alone, Justin kissed him. He wrapped his arms around Brian, noting how cold the other man felt. No, he realized, this wasn’t good. “Come on, baby. I need you,” Justin had to force himself to remain calm, to not allow himself to panic. Panicking would do no one any good, least of all Brian himself.

Justin sat there with him, slowly nearly a full-blown panic, when he heard Brian’s voice, say shakily, “Sunshine?”

“Yeah, Bri. I’m here.”

“I’m cold,” he observed, sounding like a child.

 

It was when Brian was like this that terrified Justin the most. He’d been with Brian through more mood swings than Mother Nature had seasons but when he shut down like he did it was terrifying. And way too close to catatonia for comfort. “I’m so cold,” he repeated.

“Come on,” Justin said. “Can you stand?”

“Think so,” he said, feeling as if he were lost in a hazy fog. He tried to stand and his knees buckled. Justin cursed and then took a tighter grip on his lover. It was not easy getting Brian mobile but he’d gotten him upstairs when Brian was too tweaked or too drunk to make it under his own steam. Too many times to count. “Oops,” he said, then giggled slightly. The sound went through Justin like a chill.

They slowly made their way across the living room and finally up the stairs. He stopped in front of his mom’s bedroom and said, “Mom, can you and John clear out? I’ll explain later. Just keep Mollusk out of here for the near future.”

“Honey, is he okay?”

“He will be,” Justin said, as he steered Brian in the direction of his mom’s bathroom. Usually a hot shower helped but Justin figured that a steamy bath would suffice today. He hated the fact that the loft didn’t have a bathtub. It was the single thing that he wanted to install when he and Brian closed on the loft downstairs.

He heard the door close behind his mother and John and then closed the bathroom door behind them. “Justin,” Brian’s voice was all too quivery, a prelude to an ancient, even more crotchety Brian. God help us all.

“Yeah, baby. I’m here.”

“ ‘kay.”

He stripped Brian out of the jeans and began to run the bathtub, relieved when the temperature approached a near scalding heat. He closed the drain and helped Brian in while he tossed his sweatpants aside, climbing in. Brian’s head lolled back as he leaned against the wall, his mouth open slightly. “Jesus, Bri,” Justin said, his voice almost inaudible. He was thankful that his mother had installed a huge garden tub instead of a standard-size tub. He turned to face Brian, smoothing an errant strand of hair aside. 

He wasn’t sure how long they sat in the bathtub together but he did know when Brian looped his arms about him, pulling him close. “Did I scare you?” Brian finally asked, his voice slowly returning to normal.

“Yeah, you scared me but more importantly than that, you terrified your nephew. And scared the shit out of my mom.”

“Hey,” Brian protested. “I didn’t intend to scare either of them. I don’t exactly have control of this, Justin.”

“It’s like a fucking waking coma, Brian. I wish you’d find out what the fuck causes it,” Justin said, finally giving into the panic he’d held in check for so long.

“Okay, okay, don’t DQ out on me.”

 

Justin turned to glare at him. “My lover goes into a state and every single time it happens it gets worse and worse. Brian, what if it happens and I’m not around? What if this happens again and you actually lapse into catatonia? I can’t fucking handle losing you!” he yelled.

Stunned by the force of Justin’s reaction, Brian wisely kept silent. Then he said, “Okay, I’ll go get a CAT and a PET and a MRI to find out. And you can go with me.”

“Well, thank you, oh great one, for giving me permission to find out what the fuck is wrong with my lover. Jesus, Brian, sometimes you just piss the hell out of me. You went to the doctor immediately when you knew something was wrong that could seriously impact your sex life but this you won’t get into. Where the fuck are your fucking priorities?”

It was a foregone conclusion that the DQ moment Brian had been hoping to avoid was in full-swing. Justin’s eyes blazed with temper and then he just began to full out sob, crumpling in Brian’s embrace. “Ssh, baby, it’s okay,” Brian said, as Justin leaned against him, tears falling on his bare torso.

“If you ask me if it’s my fucking allergies, I’ll have to seriously hurt you,” Justin growled, voice muffled.

He figured laughing was not a wise option at the moment so he said, “It’s okay.”

Finally Justin settled down and pulled away from him, giving him a baleful look, letting Brian know that the worst of the storm had passed but there was more on the forecast. He met the glare and said quietly, “I was telling your mom about the times Pop beat me. Then I just went numb. It’s like I lose all sensation, Justin. If it’s fucking scary to you, it’s scary to me too.”

“Yes, I know, Mr. Control Freak. If this were happening to me, you know goddamn well that you’d have called an ambulance and have a whole battery of tests run. But because it’s you, well, that’s different for some fucked up reason. Jesus, Brian, do you have a death wish?”

“Not anymore.”

Justin quieted at that, staring at him. 

“You think I didn’t consider it after you left me? And after I got the diagnosis and realized I was gonna lose a ball and you, all in one fell swoop? I’m not Rage, Justin. You cut me and I bleed. And I’m not a stranger to suicidal thoughts.”

“I know. You think I don’t worry that someday I’m going to come home and find you swinging from the rafters, Brian? That thought causes me to have nightmares. That someday you’re just going to decide that enough is enough and you don’t want to fight anymore and so you are gonna take the ultimate control over your destiny.”

Brian didn’t know quite what to say to that and he didn’t know that words were necessary. He started to crack a joke but realized that with the mood his blond was in it was more than likely to backfire on him. Finally, he said quietly and with deliberation, “I would not put you through that pain, Justin.”

“Pardon me, if I get little comfort from that statement.”

“Hey, twat, cut it out. I’m not gonna check out on you. I promise.”

 

Justin stared at him and finally said, “I—God, Brian. Do you know how scared I get when I think of having you in bed with me one day and then sitting in a fucking cemetery watching them lower you into the ground?”

“Did your fight with Michael transfer drag queen blood into you along with nervous Italian?” Brian asked, trying valiantly to make a joke. “Stop queening out, baby.” He sighed and then added a, “Please.”

Justin stood, glaring fiercely down at Brian, who looked all too vulnerable sitting there naked. And this was a man who embraced nudity without the slightest worry about modesty. “I’m going to go eat breakfast. You sit there.”

“Are you punishing me?” Brian asked. “I don’t do this on purpose, Justin.”

Justin sighed, opened a cabinet and then sighed with disbelief as he scanned the contents. He finally turned around to face Brian with a tube and a box. Brian grinned at him. “Want to fuck in the bathtub?” he suggested, leering suggestively at him.

“I’m still pissed off at you,” Justin said, but the edge of his temper was becoming much blunter. “And it’s my mom’s house.”

“So, it’s not like we’ll leave jizz stains in here, Justin. That’s the good thing about bathtubs. They have drains and all the evidence will just drain away. Come on, baby. Please?”

When Brian resorted to pleading, there was little Justin could deny him. But he still felt vaguely uncomfortable. He looked down at Brian and saw his lover was hardening in anticipation. He bit his lip and then handed the condom and lube to Brian. “You win,” he said, climbing back into the bathtub.

Brian kissed him hard, tongues dancing in a primal dance that was as instinctive to them now as any other sexual act they engaged in. Justin responded in kind, eyes locked on Brian’s, as Brian broke the kiss to nip at his neck. “Don’t break the flesh,” Justin cautioned.

“Is it okay, if I give you a hicky?”

“Marking your territory?” 

“Absofuckinlutely.” 

“Well, then,” Justin said, smiling as he tilted his head to give Brian better access, “go right ahead.” 

Justin’s own cock was growing hard against his belly and Brian smiled knowingly at him. So predictable. Finally, he told Justin to move so he could put the condom on. Justin turned so his back was to him, and Brian put his hands on his hips to guide him down onto his dick. Both men sighed as Justin took the full nine and a ½ inches into him. “Jesus Christ, baby, you’re so fucking tight,” Brian ground out, then said nothing as Justin began to swivel his hips. Justin began to move up and down and Brian said, “Ride me, little boy. Ride my dick.”

He knew that Justin was pulling on his own cock as Brian fucked his tight little hole. Justin slammed down on him and Brian smiled at the sensation. It wasn’t long before Justin made sure that the tip of Brian’s dick was brushing against his prostate, his money spot. “Shoot baby,” Brian said, aware he was close but wanting Justin to get off first.

 

Justin bit his lip as he began to shoot, continuing to move up and down on Brian’s dick, knowing that Brian had to be getting close but was waiting for him to ride it out. That was the thing most people didn’t realize about Brian: he might have a reputation as a top but he made sure that the bottom got off. It wasn’t all about his pleasure. Brian muffled his own shout against Justin’s shoulder as he unloaded into the condom, unaware of just how much his own balls had been storing. Cum streaked the tile wall and Brian grinned at the sight as he slipped out of Justin’s hole. He pulled off the condom and tossed it into the waste basket.

“Mom’s gonna wonder about that,” Justin observed, too satiated to even care.

“Do you care?”

“Uh uh,” Justin said, suddenly aware that the water had grown cool. “I’m sure they are wondering about us.”

He made to stand and then reached for a washcloth to wipe the remnants from the tile wall. It wasn’t a gift he intended to leave for his mom. God only knew how long it’d been since Jennifer had gotten some. Brian accepted Justin’s help to stand up and they dried each other off. Justin was poised to open the door when Brian spoke quietly. “Sunshine, I’ll make an appointment to see a neurologist when we get back from the Big Apple.”

“Okay,” Justin said, relieved that Brian wasn’t going to allow his stupid, stubborn pride to prevent himself from getting checked out by a reliable physician.

Brian was well aware of his lover’s mood despite the hot fuck they’d just shared. The only thing hotter would be if it had been raw. And Brian nearly groaned aloud at the thought because he found that he wanted that with Justin more than almost anything in the world and once he’d nearly throttled the kid for suggesting it. What the fuck is happening to me? he wondered.

Finally emerging downstairs, they found John downstairs watching television while Jennifer puttered around in the kitchen. “Mollusk get off to school?” Justin asked.

“Yeah,” Jennifer said, finally turning around to face her son and son-in-law. She noticed that Brian couldn’t quite meet her eye and the truth crashed in on her. They’d had sex in her bathroom! 

“You two want breakfast? Or did Brian already get a high protein snack this morning?” Jennifer’s question was unnecessarily snarky and the two men glanced at each other, both scenting trouble in the wind.

“Um, Mom. You pissed at us?”

Jennifer took a deep breath and exhaled as she glared daggers at Brian. It was a look he hadn’t seen since they’d reconciled and frankly he hated being the recipient of the Taylor death glare. “Just tell me that you two cleaned up afterwards.”

Oh yeah, definitely trouble, Brian thought. And he realized that she was pissed off at him. “Um, yes ma’am, we cleaned up after ourselves.” He looked at Justin. “Right, honey?”

Justin glared at him and said, “Um, I left something upstairs. I’ll be right back.” He was going to fucking kill Brian for making him dispose of the fucking evidence. 

 

Brian sat down at the kitchen table and was quiet, thinking that if he remained silent he wouldn’t be noticed. No such luck. Jennifer slammed a plate of eggs and bacon down in front of him and then slammed a cabinet door. “Jennifer, did I do something to make you angry?” he asked, taking a bite of egg reluctantly, wondering absently if she’d poisoned his food.

“You scared the shit out of me, Brian. I don’t like it when my son-in-law goes catatonic in front of me and then comes out of it only when he’s in a steamy hot bath and then fucks my son in my bathroom. So yeah I’m pissed at you. But I’m also grateful that we aren’t visiting you in a hospital, you stubborn man.”

“I’m going to get checked out after we get back from New York. Your son already read me the riot act, Mom,” Brian said, hoping desperately that the attempt at charm would soothe Mama Taylor’s ruffled feathers. It hadn’t escaped his notice that she’d referred to him as a son.

Jennifer started to rant again and then realized what he’d called her. Well hell, she thought, how can I be mad at him when he just called me Mom? He took another bite of eggs and wondered if he could coax her into pouring him a cup of coffee. “You promise me that you are going to find out what causes that to happen, Brian?”

“Yes,” he said. “Your son was scared shitless too, you know.”

Jennifer could just bet he was. She crossed to look out into her backyard and then finally said, “I don’t want to lose you, Brian. My son loves you and somehow I’ve come to love you too. So find out what’s going on, please.”

“You’re not going to tell me that I should call my mother?”

Jennifer laughed shortly. “I’ve met your mother, Brian. There are snakes warmer than your mother. No, somehow I don’t think Joan Kinney would bat an eyelash if she found out something was wrong with you. On the other hand, Debbie and I would be the ones beside ourselves if something happened to you.”

Justin had reappeared to hear the tail end of their conversation. His eyes widened as he heard his mother’s words. Somehow Brian had charmed his mother and he found that he was so relieved by that fact. He’d gotten under her skin and she cared about what happened to him now. He wondered if Brian was as happy to know that as he was. God knew it was about fucking time.

Mid-afternoon, John was settled at Brian’s computer working on something and Brian and Justin were bored. Unable to engage in their favorite activity, they looked at each other and simultaneously smiled at each other. “You guys can go out, you know,” John said, not looking up from the keyboard, fingers flying across the keys.

“Trying to get rid of us?” Brian asked.

John sighed and finally looked up from whatever it was that he was working on so prodigiously. “I’m cramping your style, Brian. Why don’t you call the Doc and see if she can squeeze you two in earlier?”

Well, that was actually a brilliant idea, Brian thought. He gently dislodged Justin who made a slight sound of protest and then dialed Miranda’s number. ‘Hey, Isabella. Can Miranda squeeze me and Justin in any earlier?”

“She actually had a cancellation. Can you two come in now?”

 

“Yeah. Not a problem,” Brian said. He hung up the phone and glanced down at Justin’s prostrate form. “Get up, sonny boy. The good doctor had a cancellation and can see us now.”

Justin beamed a bright, brilliant smile at him, reminding Brian once again why Debbie had dubbed him Sunshine. He held out his hand and Brian helped him to his feet. As they were on their way out of the loft, Brian turned back to his nephew and said, “Don’t surf any porn sites.”

Then he shut the door behind him as Justin went into a gale of laughter. “I can’t believe you just told him that,” he finally managed to say.

“Why?” Brian asked, trying to keep a straight face. Okay, that set him off. He pulled the grate down and pushed Justin into a corner of the elevator. “I’ll be fucking glad when he has his own space. I don’t mind having the kid around but I miss being able to walk around the loft naked and not having to worry about a kid who has gone through hell at the hands of some miscreant. I miss us being able to fuck wherever and whenever we wanted, being free to make as much noise as possible. I miss hearing you shout my name when you shoot, Justin.”

“We don’t have to leave the hotel room,” Justin said. “We can fuck all day.”

“My dick will be rubbed raw and your ass will be sore. Nope, we fucked like energizer bunnies one day and remember how sore you were? We’re going to see the sights, Sunshine.”

“You had taken Viagra, Brian!”

“I’m well aware of that fact, Justin. I’m also aware of what else happened that day. Fastest way to make my dick soft and me angry is to bring up my mother. So just don’t.”

Justin nodded, realizing that there were some boundaries that just shouldn’t be pushed. “We going to talk about today?” he hesitantly asked.

Brian didn’t answer until they were in the Corvette. “Yeah, we need to talk about today. Miranda will want to know that I freaked out. She’ll probably insist that I go in and do the tests now instead of waiting until we get back.” He sighed with feeling and added, “We need this trip for us, Justin. We’re both of us raw. This shit with Mikey and John and Gus is hard.”

“You don’t have to be strong, Brian. You’re not fighting this battle alone.”

 

“I know that but it’s of some small comfort. My best friend for twenty years is completely okay with fucking me over and doesn’t see that as wrong.” Brian punched up the volume on a Metallica song and Justin winced. He only listened to the heavy metal when he was stressing about something.

Once in Miranda’s office, Brian and Justin looked in two different directions. Miranda marked the studied expressions of her patient and his lover and bit back a fierce comment. This wasn’t healthy, dammit.

“Brian, do you want to start? I know you mentioned something about you and Justin considering having unprotected sex? I can’t begin to tell you how concerned that makes me.” Miranda spoke, fully aware of the judgmental note in her voice.

Brian glared at her and said, “Miranda, I’m not fucking Caligula. I don’t have orgies and for a long time Justin has been the only one I’ve been fucking. I’m not stupid enough to engage in unprotected sex.”

 

“So is this a step towards monogamy and solid commitment to Justin?”

Justin heard Brian sigh and then finally he said, “Yeah, it’s a fucking commitment to Justin, no pun intended. The only time I engage in unprotected sex with a party other than Justin is when I’m getting blown. Otherwise, I always suit up.”

Well accustomed to Brian’s bluntness when it came to his sexual activity and experience, Miranda simply made a notation. “So why do you want this now?”

Brian hesitated a moment and then looked down at his feet, big feet encased in $500 dollar shoes. 

Miranda recognized the maneuver as classic Kinney avoidance and so turned her attention to his partner. “Justin?” she prods gently.

Justin looked at his hands and finally drags his pretty blue eyes up to meet her emerald green eyes. There is no give in Miranda’s gaze and he realizes that she’s dead serious when she expresses concern about their sex life. “He told me he loves me, Miranda. We’re partners in every sense of the word. We’re buying the loft downstairs. We’re taking care of his nephew and we’re seeking partial custody of our son. I asked this when I was nineteen and was so fucking green. So naïve. But Brian and I have both changed now.”

“What’s changed?” she asked.

It was Brian who answered. “I finally realized that the only one I really want to be fucking is him. That I just go through the motions to get off and with him it’s true intimacy. It’s a spiritual encounter when we have sex. I love him and I didn’t think that would ever happen to me. He’s not walking away from me and I’m not running for the hills. This was my idea. It was a fantasy to him and a scary thought for me.”

“Why now?”

“Because I’m willing to forgo the tricking or at least try to. If something happens it happens, but both of us know that we would never put the other’s health at risk. I’m not going to play Russian roulette with his health. We’re clean. We’re both clean, Miranda. I know he didn’t fuck raw with the fiddler.”

“Is that true?” she asked, cutting him off.

“Yes, it’s true. Ethan asked me and I told him no.”

“Why? I thought you were in love with him.”

Justin smiled uncomfortably and said, “Not the way I love Brian. It would have felt like I was really cheating on Brian if I had fucked Ethan bareback. And I guess I realized that if we ever did get back together, I would be risking Brian’s health if something did change between us. I’m okay with us fucking with condoms, Miranda. But we’re partners now. I think he considers me his—”

“Wife,” Brian said. “Or husband. Mate. We aren’t gonna have a civil ceremony with all our friends and family – frankly I can’t take that. But I love him, Miranda. And if ever this was going to happen, the time is right. I’m thirty-three. I’m not going to be prime real estate much longer and I’ve found the person who’s going to love me when I’m older.”

“Is this an ego thing?” Miranda asked before Justin had a chance to do so.

“No fucking way,” Brian snapped at her. “So are you my whateverthefuck?”

 

“I actually don’t mind you calling me your wife even though I know you meant it as an insult,” Justin said. “I’ve always been the little woman in our relationship,” Justin said, looking at Miranda.

“It wasn’t meant to be a slam at you, sonny boy. I was just irritated with the good doctor’s view that this is some ego trip. That I’m risking both of our lives because I think I’m too old to pull the good tricks. That’s bullshit.”

“Jesus, Brian,” Miranda started. “I didn’t mean to piss you off. It’s just I’m well aware of your sexual history and it’s just strange to think of you only fucking one man.”

“I’m aware of his sexual history,” Justin said, allowing his irritation to show. “I know he hustled. I know he’s had upwards of two thousand tricks, possibly more. I also know that he’s pathologically careful. I also know that he would never consider this if he wasn’t dead certain that we are going to last. I never set out to be Mrs. Brian Kinney but it’s turning out that way. And I’ll be damned if I let anyone dictate the terms of my relationship with Brian. Fuck that. We get enough of that from Michael. We don’t need it from you too, Miranda.”

“Do you want this, Justin?” she asked, ignoring his outburst for the moment. He was entitled to a drama princess moment.

Justin gripped the edge of his chair and Brian reached for his hand, grasping it in his bigger one. The two men exchanged a look and Miranda could nearly read the future in that look. She’d never seen that look on Brian Kinney’s face before and it boggled her mind that it was Justin who had put that look on his face. “Yeah,” he said, voice firm as he looked directly at her, “this is what I want. This trip to New York is our honeymoon. It’s our Paris, Miranda. I love Brian. I trust Brian and I’m not leaving Brian, come hell or high water or fucking Republicans. Or Michael.”

At that Miranda cracked a slight smile. Brian gripped his hand tighter and said, “I never wanted a relationship. I certainly never thought I’d end up with a wife or partner but somehow along the line Justin has moved from annoyance trick to ward to lover to boyfriend to lover to partner and now to somewhat of a spouse. Despite everything, he’s stuck. And I don’t want him to go away, Miranda. I’m happy with him and fuck everyone who thinks that he’s using me. He and I know better. We’ve weathered an awful lot of shit together and he’s still by my side. I love him, Doc. And you know better than anyone how difficult it is for me to say those words and not think of them as trite and overused and more worthy of a Hallmark card than coming out of my mouth. We’re ready for this.”

Miranda looked at both Brian and Justin and then said, “Justin, can you give us a moment?”

“Why?” the question came from Brian.

“I need to talk to you for a minute.”

Brian reluctantly let go of Justin’s hand and said, “You mind?”

Justin shook his head, kissing Brian, and then left, closing the door quietly behind him. Brian stood and walked to the other side of Miranda’s desk, looking out the window, his back to her. “Brian?”

He turned and finally said, “What?”

“Is this what you really want? You have always said monogamy was bullshit, that fucking was the only real thing in your life.”

 

Brian sat in the chair behind her desk, pulling the enameled cigarette box towards him and withdrawing one. “Where’s your lighter?” he asked.

“Top drawer,” she responded. “Don’t change the subject. And if you’re going to smoke in here open the window, please.”

Brian did so and then lit the cigarette. He sighed and met her unflinching gaze. “I’m the one who brought this up, Miranda. Justin has dropped it and I’ve been tempted the past couple of days and he’s been the one to remind me that we promised to talk to you first.”

“Do you trust him?”

“Yeah, I trust him. I don’t think he’s going to bail on me again. We’ve fought a few times in the last couple of days but nothing major and we’ve worked it out. Buying the loft downstairs will give us space and he won’t have to run home to Mommy or Daphne when we get edgy with each other.”

“And you? When you feel penned in by the reality of commitment to Justin, are you going to run to the baths or Babylon?”

Brian glared at her. “Why does everyone think that the minute things get somewhat bad between us I’m going to run and fuck the nearest guy?”

“I don’t know, Brian. Maybe past behavior has established a fucking pattern, pun intended.” She paused and said, “I know I’m crossing the professional line here but I don’t want to see you hurt. I was there after you reconciled with Justin and saw how raw you were. I know you love him and I know he loves you but you guys don’t have the best track record and I think fucking raw is putting a band-aid on your relationship like straight couples use a baby.”

“Fuck you, Miranda,” Brian said, grinding out the cigarette. “I’m leaving.”

“Brian,” she cautioned, “this is exactly why I don’t think having unprotected sex with him is a good idea.”

“My decision,” he said flatly.

“Yeah, Kinney, I know it’s your decision. I also know that you have no prior history of commitment. And Justin’s relationship with Ethan notwithstanding neither does he.”

“He wears the fucking pendant I got him,” he reminded her. “What do you want me to do, Miranda? Give him a fucking claddagh ring? Would that make you feel any better?”

“Have you thought about it?” she asked. “Thought about giving him a claddagh ring?”

He sat back down and lit another cigarette, studying the scratched surface of the mahogany desk. “You need to refinish this,” he observed. Then he returned to the topic at hand and looked at the print behind her, before finally meeting her gaze. “Yes,” he admitted quietly. “I’ve thought about giving him a claddagh ring but every time I think we’re in that place something happens to remind me that the idea is fucking crazy. When I bought him that pendant, it crystallized a lot of emotions for me. I was peaceful when I bought it.”

“Does Justin make you feel peaceful?”

 

“I don’t know that I ever feel peaceful, Miranda. I do know that he’s one of the few people who will ride out the storms with me. I don’t know that he’d even accept a claddagh ring from me. Lindz suggested a commitment ceremony because it would look better to the courts when he and I seek joint custody of Gus.”

“Did you talk to Justin about it?”

“He said he didn’t need it,” Brian responded, taking a drag off the cigarette and avoiding her eyes.

“Brian, look at me, please.”

Hazel eyes met green and Miranda asked a question she’d never imagined asking Brian Kinney in a million years. “Do you need it?”

“I don’t want to stand in front of friends and family pledging eternal love to him and all that schmaltzy shit. But I remember him asking me if I ever thought it would be us when Lindz and Mel got married. I didn’t answer and he made some crack about how stranger things have happened. I think what Justin and I have doesn’t need some certification but in some ways I would like to know that we’re for keeps, that we’ll stand the test of time.”

Miranda sighed and tossed the file on the ottoman in front of her. She kicked off her heels and said, “Go to New York, Bri. Drive to Toronto if the mood strikes you. But you need to admit that you still have worries about his commitment to you and your relationship. Talk to him.”

Brian took another drag off the cigarette and said quietly, “I went to the White Party a few years back. Justin was supposed to go with me but he stayed for the girls’ wedding. I caught the bouquet that this drag queen tossed out into the audience. I held it and danced with it and didn’t drop the fucking thing. If ever I have found the other part of my heart and, mind you, I don’t know if I have, then Justin is it for me. He’s the only person I would ever consider partnering up with. He gets me, Miranda. And the thought of losing him again, letting the possibility of a future slip through my fingers, scares the hell out of me. I’m not willing to risk it.”

“But you’re willing to risk your future, possibly your life, on a gamble?” she asked.

“He’s a safe gamble, Miranda. I’ve got a parachute and I’m not worried about it not opening. He’ll be there to catch me if I fall.”

“Ultimately it’s your decision,” she said, still harboring doubts and reservations about his decision. “Anything else happen that I should know about?”

He paused and said, “I was telling Jen a little about my childhood and I went into a state. The closest thing I can describe it as is catatonia. I’m there but it’s like I’m not there. The only thing that snaps me out of it is being in a hot shower. I don’t understand it. I scared Justin and his mom and my nephew.”

“I want you to go see a doctor,” Miranda began. She couldn’t imagine her life without Brian Kinney in it even though he caused her considerable agitation.

“He and I are going to New York for five days. Upon our arrival back in the Pitts, I will go see a neurologist. He will go with me because as he put it, I went immediately to a doctor when I realized I had a problem that would affect my sex life. But I’ve put this off.”

 

“Will you let me give you some names, at least?” she asked, well aware of his stubbornness.

“Yeah.”

His easy acceptance surprised her but then everything Brian had said and done over the course of their session had surprised her. “You’re clean?” she asked. “I don’t mean just HIV. I mean across the board: are you completely clean?”

“Yeah, Miranda. We’re both clean.”

She sighed and finally said, “I’m not endorsing this decision, Bri. But if you trust him enough to lay your life at his feet and not worry that he’s going to crush your heart, then take the step. Ultimately, it’s your choice.”

“I’ll always worry that he’s going to crush my heart, Miranda. He’s ripped it out of my chest before but he’s also sewn up the raw, gaping wounds. I trust him.”

“Where are you staying?”

Brian grinned like a mischievous kid when he said, “The Honeymoon Suite at the Waldorf Astoria.”

“Wow, Brian. I never knew you were a romantic.”

“Yeah well, I prefer to be thought of as a cold-hearted asshole.” He took a final pull of the cigarette and said, “He remembered the prom, Miranda. He remembers what I was telling him with that dance. He knows now why remembering that dance was so important to me.”

While it didn’t change everything, it went a long way towards explaining Brian’s behavior. She watched him grind out the cigarette. “I’m happy for you, Brian. I’ll see you when you get back, right?”

“Yeah, Doc. You’ll still get your weekly dose of the Kinney income from me.”

“Fuck you, Brian. It’s not about the money, you know that.”

“There’s the infamous Jameson temper I know and love,” he quipped. He turned serious as he said, “I wouldn’t be doing this if I thought it was the wrong thing. If I thought for an instant that I was putting his life at risk, I’d back off. The last thing in the world I want is to hurt him, Doc. We fight—Christ, I guess we fight like an old married couple. But at the end of the day, I want to come home to him and have him regale me with stories about him and Daphne. I want him in my bed and I want to share my life with him. I’d be so much more upset about losing Michael if I wasn’t confident of Justin’s love for me.”

“What’s different about Justin’s love for you than Michael’s?”

Brian spoke without hesitation. “Justin would be willing to walk away from me if he saw I had the chance of being happy with someone else. It doesn’t matter who it is, if Michael saw I had that chance, he’d do everything in his power to sabotage it. Because as long as I was miserable and unhappy and fucking my way through Pittsburgh, Michael was confident of his role in my life.”

“And now?”

 

“Now I don’t want anything to do with Michael and his adolescent bullshit. He’s married now, Miranda. He’s someone’s wife and he’s got a foster son who would dearly love it if I fucked him. And I’ve got Justin. I’m not giving that up for anyone, least of all Michael.”

“I want you to be happy.”

“I am.”

The simple statement required no further response from Miranda and she simply nodded, watching as he scribbled out a check to her. She watched him close the door behind him and hoped that he knew what he was doing.


	20. Complications of the Mind

Brian drove back to the loft in utter silence with Justin wondering at his sudden mood and wondering if it wouldn¡¦t be better if he just crashed elsewhere. Then he dismissed the thought; he wasn¡¦t running away from Brian. When Brian pulled into the garage, he finally spoke, ¡§I need to call Claire and give her Jen¡¦s number so she¡¦ll know that John is safe.¡¨

¡§He could just stay here,¡¨ Justin began and then cut himself off at the darkness of Brian¡¦s expression. ¡§Or not.¡¨

¡§The pervert knows where I live. My mother knows he¡¦s staying with me. And I so don¡¦t trust Father Tom. But I trust your mom implicitly, Justin. John will be fine with Jen. And I think Claire will be okay with him staying with my mother-in-law.¡¨ Left unspoken was that Brian thought he needed some adult supervision or guidance while he was gone but it was such an un-Brian thing to say that it was better left unsaid.

He began to climb out of the car and Justin said quietly, ¡§Brian, we don¡¦t have to do anything you don¡¦t want to do.¡¨

¡§Get out,¡¨ Brian said, voice suddenly harsh. Justin did so, a little nervous at the tone of Brian¡¦s voice. It never boded well for him. He knew Brian would never physically hurt him but still it made him nervous.

¡§What?¡¨ he asked, aware that his voice nearly trembled.

Brian looked at him in frustration and finally said, ¡§You love me, right?¡¨

Justin stared at him and took a step towards the man. ¡§Yes. Why?¡¨ It made him uneasy when Brian asked for confirmation of his feelings because the other man did so seldom. 

For all his bravado, an insecure little boy still hovered within Brian. That part of Brian was the part of him that brought out all of Justin¡¦s protective instincts for he hated to see Brian hurt. ¡§Nothing. Never mind.¡¨

¡§Brian?¡¨ Justin asked, voice tentative. He got no response as the man walked towards the door that led into the building. He followed him and wondered at his sudden mood shift. When the elevator reached the top floor, Brian raised the grate and nearly slammed it back down again. Can¡¦t fight fate, he thought, resigned. All he wanted to do was sleep and then he saw a familiar blonde head and felt the walls begin to close in on him.

¡§Hello, Lindsay,¡¨ he finally said. ¡§Hi, Sonny Boy.¡¨

¡§Daddy,¡¨ Gus said, as he ran into Brian¡¦s arms. Brian swung him up and then looked at Lindsay, expression conveying intense irritation and fury. Couldn¡¦t the woman have called first?

¡§Couldn¡¦t you have called first?¡¨ he asked aloud.

¡§You didn¡¦t have your cell phone on and John said you weren¡¦t home.¡¨

¡§Yeah, Miranda doesn¡¦t allow cell phones to be on during a session.¡¨ He handed Gus off to Justin and unlocked the door. 

¡§Why didn¡¦t you go inside?¡¨ he asked.

¡§My key didn¡¦t work,¡¨ she explained. ¡§Why doesn¡¦t my key work, Brian?¡¨

Justin put Gus down and Gus ran in the direction of the pillows, leaving the adults to talk. Brian headed towards the fridge removing two bottles of beer, one for him and one for Justin. ¡§Brian,¡¨ Lindsay began.

Brian took a swallow from the bottle of beer and met her eyes. ¡§Your key doesn¡¦t work because Justin and I had the door re-keyed.¡¨

¡§When do I get a copy of the new key?¡¨

Brian looked at Justin and Justin knew that he had to field this question because he was the only one who could remain calm. ¡§You don¡¦t,¡¨ Justin said. ¡§There are three copies of the key, Lindsay. One for each of the people who live here.¡¨

¡§I want a copy of the key,¡¨ Lindsay said, as if she were perfectly entitled.

¡§No,¡¨ Brian snapped at her. ¡§I didn¡¦t have a key to Muncher Villa. And its bullshit that people can just walk in here at any time and catch us doing whatever.¡¨

¡§Like I haven¡¦t seen you fucking,¡¨ she snapped at him. ¡§I need a key for emergency situations.¡¨

¡§Have you suddenly gone deaf?¡¨ he asked, pleased that his voice was level. ¡§I¡¦m not giving you a fucking key, Lindz. You can whine all you want but I¡¦m not giving you a key. And don¡¦t play the ¡¥I¡¦m the mother of your kid¡¦ card.¡¨

Recognizing that she was on his last nerve, she fell silent and then said, ¡§I was hoping you could watch Gus for a few more days.¡¨

¡§No,¡¨ Brian said truculently, not offering any explanation.

¡§He¡¦s your son¡X¡¨ she said.

Brian set down the beer bottle and stood. ¡§Yes, he is. I remember that, Lindsay. I have made plans to go to New York¡X¡¨ he began, irritated when she cut him off.

¡§That¡¦s just wonderful. Going off to play when your son needs you.¡¨

Brian¡¦s eyes flashed with temper and Justin tensed. Brian looked at him and Justin took a step closer to him as Brian wrapped an arm around him. ¡§We¡¦re going on our honeymoon, Lindsay. Jen¡¦s going to take care of John for the five days we¡¦re gone. You will have to make other arrangements for our son. As much as I love Gus, you are the primary custodial parent as you and the cunt took great pains to remind me. Now please go home.¡¨

She started to say something more and the expression on Justin¡¦s face warned her it wouldn¡¦t be wise to push her luck. ¡§Can I at least have the number of the hotel where you and Justin will be staying?¡¨

 

¡§The Waldorf=Astoria, Lindz. Honeymoon suite,¡¨ Brian bit out, turning away to disappear into the bathroom, bottle of beer in hand.

Lindsay looked at Justin. ¡§He¡¦s in a mood,¡¨ she observed. ¡§Sure you don¡¦t want to come home with me, honey?¡¨

Justin smiled slightly. ¡§My days of running from a moody Brian are done, Lindz. We¡¦ll be fine. Take Gus home and we¡¦ll call you when we get back. We¡¦re leaving really early Friday morning so we¡¦re dropping John off at my mom¡¦s Thursday night.¡¨

Lindsay looked in the direction of the bathroom and then back at Justin. ¡§How¡¦s he doing, honey?¡¨

¡§He¡¦s fine, Lindz.¡¨

¡§I don¡¦t like leaving you alone with him when he¡¦s in a mood,¡¨ she said. ¡§He could really hurt you.¡¨

Justin nearly laughed at the words, though he knew she was sincere. Instead he said, ¡§I¡¦m well aware of Brian¡¦s thorns, Lindsay. Seriously, it¡¦ll be okay. We¡¦ll talk when he and I get back.¡¨

¡§Honeymoon, huh?¡¨ she asked, looking at her son who was busy crawling all over John who didn¡¦t look too uncomfortable dealing with his young cousin.

¡§Of sorts,¡¨ Justin admitted. ¡§Please don¡¦t spread it around, Lindsay. You know how Brian feels about other people getting up in our business. He¡¦s dealing with enough shit right now that he doesn¡¦t need everyone ragging on him about being sentimental. He¡¦ll look at it as a sure sign that I¡¦ve cock-whipped him.¡¨

Understanding that the young blond was deadly serious, she finally nodded. ¡§Take care of him,¡¨ she said quietly. She left Justin standing in the kitchen while she went to grab her son. She and a fretful Gus waved as they went to the door and closed it behind them. Noticing that John was occupied again with whatever he was watching and paying no attention to him, Justin disappeared into the bathroom, after his lover.

He found Brian putting moisturizer on his face and refrained from smiling. ¡§She gone?¡¨ he asked, without looking at Justin.

¡§Yeah, Bri. She¡¦s gone.¡¨

¡§I guess we¡¦ll come back to find all of Liberty Ave knows that the great stud has finally been cock-whipped by the young blond,¡¨ he said bitterly.

¡§Brian, I told her not to say anything about this being a ¡¥honeymoon¡¦ for us. I think she¡¦ll respect that.¡¨

Brian barked a laugh and finally met his lover¡¦s eyes. ¡§This is Lindsay we¡¦re talking about. She won¡¦t keep quiet about this. It¡¦s too big.¡¨

¡§Maybe we should just trust her,¡¨ Justin said. He met Brian¡¦s level gaze and then looked away. He didn¡¦t want to fight with him, not about this.

Brian gave him a look as if he thought he was crazy and then stalked out of the bathroom, stopping in the bedroom to take off his shirt. He walked downstairs and met John¡¦s inquisitive gaze. ¡§What¡¦s up, Brian?¡¨ the kid asked.

¡§Nothing. What are you watching?¡¨

¡§Some shit. I¡¦m hungry.¡¨

¡§You know where the take-out menus are and the petty cash. You don¡¦t have to ask me about food.¡¨

John laughed and said, ¡§I¡¦ve seen the contents of your refrigerator, Brian. You may be gay but you are definitely a bachelor. Naked chef you aren¡¦t.¡¨

Brian raised an eyebrow and set his bottle of beer down on the floor. ¡§You happy?¡¨

John reached a hand out for his uncle¡¦s beer and Brian narrowed his eyes and swatted his hand away. ¡§I told your mom no corrupting influences.¡¨

John snorted a laugh and Justin watched the interaction between them from the top of the stairs. He looked back at the blue neon tube lights and then at the framed sketch of Brian he¡¦d drawn so long ago. He knew Brian wanted to hang it in the nook but he wanted it in their bedroom. He tossed the sketch on the bed, noticing the rumpled covers and his pillow so close to Brian¡¦s. So much had changed between them and even if Brian was joking, he knew that this was the closest thing to a honeymoon he would get.

He picked up an abandoned sketch pad and began to idly sketch John and Brian, pleased that they had discovered some common ground.

Unaware of being observed, Brian waited for John¡¦s answer. ¡§Yeah, I¡¦m happy. And not just because you bought me new clothes and CDs and the I-Pod. I know I¡¦ve been an asshole to you but you opened your home up to me. I like hanging out with you and Justin.¡¨

¡§You okay with staying with Jen while Justin and I are gone?¡¨

¡§I¡¦d prefer staying with Cynthia,¡¨ the brat responded with a smirk, ¡§but Justin¡¦s mom is cool. Molly¡¦s not bad either.¡¨

¡§Best behavior,¡¨ Brian warned.

¡§I know. I¡¦m not going to piss you off, Brian. And I know you guys need some time to adjust to having me around. But I¡¦d rather be here with you two than with my mom.¡¨

¡§Things that bad at home?¡¨ Brian asked.

¡§Mom¡¦s just tightly wound,¡¨ John said, reluctant to actively criticize his mother. ¡§She¡¦s got good intentions but Dad left her in a bad predicament when he walked out on us. And she depended on those child support payments. Now she works all those hours and it¡¦s hard for her to keep track of us kids.¡¨

¡§She should have known something was up,¡¨ Brian said, then bit his tongue. 

¡§What happened isn¡¦t her fault, Brian. She didn¡¦t know that the priest was a perv underneath the robes. And I should have told someone sooner.¡¨ John couldn¡¦t believe he was defending his mom but his uncle had a very low opinion of his sister and he didn¡¦t exactly want to contribute to it.

¡§Why did you come to me?¡¨

John looked down at the floor and then reluctantly met his uncle¡¦s eyes. ¡§I didn¡¦t have a choice. I was desperate and I know that you wanted to kill me when I accused you. I was scared and it was happening to Petey and I knew Mom wouldn¡¦t believe me.¡¨ His voice cracked at the end and Brian was reminded once again of just how young the kid really was despite all his bravado. ¡§And I don¡¦t have a dad.¡¨

¡§It¡¦s okay, John. You¡¦re safe with me and Justin. And that fucker won¡¦t hurt you again.¡¨

John blinked away tears and asked, ¡§Did Granddad really do all those things to you that you told Mrs. Taylor?¡¨

¡§You heard me?¡¨ Brian asked. Oh holy fuck. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

John nodded and Brian said, not willing to lie to the kid, ¡§Yeah, he did and more. My dad was a grade-A asshole drunk or sober. He hated me for being born, John. Hated me because he didn¡¦t want another fucking kid and he¡¦d told my mother to get an abortion.¡¨

¡§So what you said at the wake was true?¡¨

¡§Every bitter word. One thing about me, John, is that I never sugarcoat the truth and I always say what I mean. I won¡¦t bullshit you.¡¨

¡§What about school?¡¨

¡§You want to do public school?¡¨

John shrugged and Brian smiled slightly. ¡§I got kicked out of parochial school, John. I met Mikey in public school. But I understand if you want to finish up in private school. I can afford it.¡¨ Even though the thought of another tuition bill made him wince.

¡§Can I think about it?¡¨

¡§Sure,¡¨ Brian said, draining the bottle of beer. He moved to stand and looked down at his nephew. ¡§What did you want to eat?¡¨

¡§Indian?¡¨ John asked, hopefully.

¡§Fine,¡¨ he said, looking in the direction of the bedroom. ¡§Hey, Sunshine, Indian okay with you?¡¨ He noticed the blond furiously sketching and climbed up the stairs. ¡§What are you working on?¡¨

Justin looked at him and said, ¡§You and John. Indian¡¦s fine.¡¨

Brian noticed the sketch on the bed and said, ¡§You want to hang it up in here?¡¨

Nodding, he met his gaze. ¡§You mind?¡¨

¡§No. I think it¡¦s a great idea.¡¨ Brian kissed him softly and then knelt by the side of the bed, withdrawing the box he¡¦d been going through a few days earlier. He withdrew the cowry shell bracelet and Justin wondered what he was going to do with it. He didn¡¦t have to wait long for his answer.

Brian returned downstairs and sat down next to John, long legs spread out in front of him. Brian fingered the cowry shells and handed the bracelet to John. ¡§I can¡¦t¡X¡¨ John began but his uncle shook his head.

¡§I don¡¦t need it anymore. And there was a reason you wanted it enough to steal it from me. I want you to have it, John. No strings attached.¡¨ 

John lifted his arm and Brian asked, ¡§Which wrist do you want it on?¡¨

¡§Um, the right, I guess.¡¨

¡§It¡¦s the one I always wore it on,¡¨ Brian observed. ¡§It¡¦s a little loose on you but I don¡¦t think you¡¦ll lose it.¡¨

He was astounded when John hugged him. ¡§Thank you,¡¨ John whispered against his neck. ¡§Thank you.¡¨

Uncomfortable with the outward display of emotion, Brian moved to pull back without hurting the kid¡¦s feelings. He looked at the green eyes and smiled slightly. ¡§I¡X¡¨ Brian started to speak and then suddenly couldn¡¦t. Finally finding the words, he said, ¡§For a long time I needed that reminder that I was okay, that I was alive, that I¡¦d survived whatever Jack Kinney threw at me. I think you need it more than I do, John.¡¨

John nodded, fingertip tracing the shells as Brian stood and walked into the kitchen. He leaned against the counter and watched Justin come down the stairs, knowing that his lover had heard everything he¡¦d said. Justin nudged him with a hip and Brian looked at him. ¡§You did a good thing, Brian,¡¨ Justin whispered.

Smiling slightly, Brian spoke quietly, ¡§If you¡¦d gone to California, I was going to pack the bracelet in your stuff to remind you of me and home.¡¨

¡§I think John needs it more, Brian.¡¨ Justin said, touched by the thought. ¡§You know, Brian, I don¡¦t need you to be romantic 24/7. But I love it when you are.¡¨

¡§Are you looking forward to New York?¡¨ he asked, relieved that Justin didn¡¦t need him to be romantic and sentimental all the time because frankly he wasn¡¦t sure he could do it. He¡¦d about reached his quota.

¡§Yeah, cause this time I know I¡¦ll be there with you and it¡¦ll be for the right reasons.¡¨ Justin removed a menu from one of the drawers and started to walk over to John when Brian¡¦s fingers hooked his pants, drawing him back to him. ¡§What?¡¨ he asked.

¡§I bitched about coming to find you, saying it wasn¡¦t my responsibility. When I found you in that hotel room, I was relieved. I hated the idea that something might have happened to you.¡¨

¡§I know.¡¨ 

 

Meanwhile, at the Liberty Diner„m

Ted and Emmett were having an early dinner when Michael blew in. ¡§Hey, Ma,¡¨ he said, catching Debbie¡¦s eye.

She waved and he slid into the booth across from his two friends. ¡§Hey, honey,¡¨ Emmett said.

¡§Hey, Em. Hi, Ted,¡¨ Michael said. ¡§Guess what the asshole did now.¡¨

Emmett and Ted exchanged glances and finally Emmett asked, ¡§What?¡¨

¡§He told me to get the fuck out of his life. He made me give him the key to the loft and told me he¡¦d chosen Justin. That Justin is his partner.¡¨

Since all of that was fairly obvious to the other two and Emmett privately thought it was about time that Brian put a Prada boot down when it came to Michael¡¦s interference, he said, ¡§Well, honey, I think he¡¦s right.¡¨

¡§What?!¡¨ Michael screeched. ¡§And the twat isn¡¦t going to California, after all.¡¨

¡§I know,¡¨ Ted said. ¡§They leave for New York in a few days,¡¨ he said, and then could have bitten his tongue off. Brian was so going to kill him for spilling that pearl of wisdom to Michael. He knew how pissed his boss was at his supposed best friend.

¡§How¡¦d the twink talk him into that?¡¨ Michael asked, visibly enraged. He twisted his wedding ring on his left ring finger as he spoke.

¡§I¡XI don¡¦t know,¡¨ Ted said, trying to save face. Not for anything would he admit that his boss was looking at it as a honeymoon of sorts for him and Justin. He liked his dick and balls, thank you very much.

¡§Emmett?¡¨ Michael asked, turning his attention to the one member of the group who couldn¡¦t keep his mouth closed about anything.

Not willing to betray either Justin or Brian, Emmett mimed locking his mouth with a key and tossing it away. ¡§Don¡¦t know, honey.¡¨

¡§You know his demon spawn nephew is staying with him?¡¨ Michael asked.

Emmett and Ted exchanged another look. ¡§Um, Teddy, don¡¦t we have tickets to that dinner theatre thing?¡¨

¡§Yeah,¡¨ he said, glancing at his watch. ¡§We¡¦ll be late if we don¡¦t leave now.¡¨ He looked at Michael and said, ¡§Sorry we¡¦ve got to go, Michael. Talk to you later.¡¨

Debbie watched Emmett and Ted leave and then looked at her son, sitting alone in the booth. She maneuvered her way over to him and sat across the table from him. ¡§You okay, honey?¡¨

 

¡§He cut me off,¡¨ Michael said. ¡§He chose the twink over me. He chose a piece of blond boy ass over me¡Xme his best friend¡X¡¨

¡§Yes, I know, honey, your best friend in the whole wide world. I¡¦m well aware of your relationship with Brian. What I want to know is why in the world you would begrudge him happiness?¡¨ She lifted his hand and pointed to his ring, ¡§You¡¦re married to Ben, Michael. Brian¡¦s got his own life.¡¨

¡§He chose Justin over me,¡¨ Michael said, a tear trickling down from his eye and rolling down his cheek.

¡§About fuckin¡¦ time, if you ask me,¡¨ Debbie said.

¡§Ma!¡¨

¡§Give him space. He¡¦s dealing with his own shit right now, Michael. He and Justin are going through some stuff and it doesn¡¦t involve you. He¡¦s got a partner and he¡¦s happy, Michael. Leave Brian alone.¡¨

¡§But Ma,¡¨ Michael whined.

Debbie slid out of the booth and looked down at her son. While she loved Michael dearly, she sometimes wanted to smack some sense into him. ¡§Michael, pushing him on this will only make things worse for you.¡¨

¡§He¡¦s got the nephew who accused him of fondling staying with him.¡¨

¡§Yeah, Michael, I know. Leave him alone.¡¨

Since Michael had no intention of heeding anyone¡¦s advice and forgetting for the moment that he was supposed to be deliriously happy with Ben, Michael left the diner and headed to the loft. He pushed in the security code and was irritated when it was denied. He tried a few other combinations to no avail. Then he pushed Brian¡¦s buzzer and heard him say, ¡§Yeah?¡¨

¡§Brian, let me in. It¡¦s Michael.¡¨

Brian looked at Justin and Justin shrugged, letting Brian know it was his call. ¡§Go home to your husband, Michael. Leave me the fuck alone.¡¨

¡§But Brian¡X¡¨

¡§Leave before I call the cops and tell them you¡¦re harassing me,¡¨ Brian said, the words not far from the truth. 

At the street level, Michael saw a delivery guy trudging up the sidewalk and his eyes lit up. A way in, he thought, noticing it wasn¡¦t Brian¡¦s regular delivery guy but that didn¡¦t matter to him. The guy buzzed Brian¡¦s loft and Michael heard Brian buzz him up. Catching the door, Michael watched as the guy took the stairs, opting to wait a few minutes before taking the elevator up. It never occurred to him that Brian rarely said something he didn¡¦t mean.

 

He heard the delivery guy taking the stairs on his way down and Michael slipped into the elevator, unnoticed. 

Brian, Justin, and John were trading dishes on the floor when they heard the knock on the door. 

¡§What the fuck?¡¨ Brian muttered. The guy¡¦s tip was big enough. More than enough not to constitute a return visit. He stood and crossed the loft to the door, sliding it open and wishing that he hadn¡¦t. 

Justin saw that it was Michael at the same time as Brian did and cursed under his breath. This wasn¡¦t going to be pretty, he thought. John had a perplexed expression on his face; even he knew not to fuck with Brian when he told you something in that tone of voice. He picked up the container of coconut chicken and waited for the explosion. He almost wished he had popcorn for this. On with the show.

¡§Michael,¡¨ Brian growled. ¡§How the fuck did you get into the building?¡¨

¡§Followed the delivery guy in.¡¨ He said, and then said in an accusatory tone, ¡§You changed the code.¡¨

¡§No shit. Give me one good reason why I shouldn¡¦t toss you down the fucking stairs, Michael.¡¨

Michael backed up a step and Justin stepped forward, putting a proprietary arm around Brian. Brian was fully aware of the intent that lay behind his lover¡¦s action and accepted the gesture without comment. Michael¡¦s expression went dark and then he said, ¡§I¡¦m your best friend.¡¨

¡§And I¡¦m his wife,¡¨ Justin said, not daring to glance at his partner. ¡§Go home to your husband, Michael. Go home to the little hustler. Leave us alone.¡¨

¡§Brian, he called himself your wife. Aren¡¦t you going to say something?¡¨ He couldn¡¦t believe the liberty the twink had just taken.

Brian smiled slightly and looked directly at Michael. ¡§It¡¦s the truth, Michael. I¡¦ve said it sarcastically in the past but it¡¦s somewhat true.¡¨

¡§You¡¦ve lost your fucking mind, Brian,¡¨ Michael breathed out, shock in his expression. ¡§You hate the idea of commitment, of ties that bind. You think marriage for queers is stupid. What kind of snow job has he done on you? More importantly, where¡¦s the coke?¡¨

Brian turned to glance at his nephew who had picked up a piece of naan and was dragging it through chili sauce. He saw John take a bite and then lapse into a coughing fit, reaching for the closest drink, which happened be Brian¡¦s bottle of beer. When the teen stopped choking and his face returned to something akin to normal, Brian said, ¡§Has Justin said anything wrong, John?¡¨

John shook his head, clearing his throat, and said, ¡§Nope. Justin said everything right.¡¨ He lifted his arm and Michael¡¦s gaze fell on the bracelet. He gasped and took another step backwards.

¡§What¡¦s wrong, Mikey?¡¨ Brian asked, returning his attention to his best friend.

¡§I¡¦ve stumbled into an episode of The Twilight Zone,¡¨ Michael muttered. ¡§I think I just saw your nephew wearing your bracelet.¡¨

 

Brian laughed and smirked. ¡§You did.¡¨ He paused a moment and then asked, ¡§Are you the only one who can be happy, Michael?¡¨

¡§No¡X¡¨

¡§It will never be you, Michael,¡¨ Justin said. ¡§I give Brian what you can¡¦t.¡¨

¡§Spectacular head?¡¨ Michael shot back. As parting shots go, it wasn¡¦t much of one. But he didn¡¦t have much material to work with, and let¡¦s face it, Michael wasn¡¦t the most imaginative or intellectual of the bunch. Brian had met models with more intellect than Michael Novotny, and that was saying a lot because as a breed models weren¡¦t known for brains.

¡§Well, yes, that¡¦s true,¡¨ Brian observed, smiling at the blond. ¡§No, he loves me for me. And I trust him not to fuck me over. I trust him to be at my back when I need him most. He¡¦s not pathetic.¡¨

¡§His ass can¡¦t be that hot,¡¨ Michael sputtered.

¡§Wouldn¡¦t you like to know?¡¨ Brian asked. He turned serious for a moment, finding little amusing in this little encounter. ¡§I would never have let you fuck me, Michael. Frankly, I don¡¦t think you¡¦re that good.¡¨

As the words left Brian¡¦s mouth, Michael¡¦s hand shot towards him, nearly making impact when Justin deflected the blow, inches from Brian¡¦s already broken nose. ¡§Get the fuck out of here,¡¨ Justin hissed. Play time was over. All chips were down when Michael tried to hurt Brian.

¡§Brian, I¡X¡¨

¡§Don¡¦t call, don¡¦t stop by, don¡¦t e-mail me. You see me at the diner or on the street and you walk the other fucking way. If you see me in the backroom at Babylon, whether I¡¦m with Justin or not, you leave. You see me anywhere and you walk the other fucking direction. Got it?¡¨ There was no bend in Brian¡¦s voice, as cold as the wind off the Arctic Circle. His face was implacable.

Michael stared at him and then at Justin, whose own face was a mirror of his partner¡¦s. ¡§Yeah,¡¨ he whispered, ¡§I hear you loud and clear.¡¨ The words left his mouth and he sniffled, the tears beginning to fall. He turned away, the sobs coming faster and louder. He walked towards the elevator hitting the down button when he heard Justin¡¦s voice from behind him. ¡§Take the stairs, Michael. By the way, our partnership is over. Do whatever you want to do with Rage. I don¡¦t want to see you.¡¨

Michael didn¡¦t respond, vision obscured by tears, as he fled down the stairs. He collapsed against the wall outside the building, dissolving in tears.

Brian was utterly silent as he closed the door. He walked up the stairs, changed into a sleeveless black shirt that conformed to his chest, and grabbed his jacket and keys. It was an outfit he wore when he had one intention in mind and only one intention. Justin marked his actions and didn¡¦t say anything. Brian had to do this his way and Justin wasn¡¦t going to interfere. Not when it came to this. Not when it came to him saying goodbye to Michael.

¡§I¡¦m going out,¡¨ Brian said, voice devoid of emotion.

 

¡§You have protection?¡¨ Justin asked, knowing full well what his lover was going to do and understanding why. Pain management.

Brian put a hand in his jacket and pulled out a fistful of condoms, nodding. ¡§Yeah, I have protection.¡¨

¡§Call me if you need me to come get you. I don¡¦t care how late it is and where you are. Don¡¦t drive home if you can¡¦t.¡¨

¡§Okay.¡¨

John watched in stunned silence as his uncle crossed to the door and walked out. He stared at Justin who watched him go. ¡§Justin?¡¨ His name was a question on the teen¡¦s lips.

¡§He¡¦ll be okay,¡¨ Justin said, wanting to reassure the teen but not believing it for an instant. Brian was absolutely shattered. He walked up the stairs, going to the closet he shared with Brian, and removed the black satin robe that his lover favored. The robe smelled of Brian: musk, whiskey, and the mingled aromas of pot and cigarettes. He wrapped the robe around him and returned downstairs.

¡§Shouldn¡¦t you go with him?¡¨ John asked.

¡§There are times when my presence is the last thing Brian needs. I know when to allow him his space.¡¨

¡§Strange way to have a relationship,¡¨ John observed.

¡§Yes,¡¨ Justin agreed. ¡§But it¡¦s our relationship, John. I don¡¦t want to talk anymore. Okay?¡¨

The teen nodded and Justin halfheartedly began to eat, having lost most of his appetite. He was more worried about Brian than he wanted to let on. He finished eating and began to put up most of the leftovers with John¡¦s assistance, eyes falling on the cowry shell bracelet. ¡§You take care of that bracelet, John.¡¨

¡§I will.¡¨

Justin nodded and then went to the drink cart, pouring himself a glass of Beam. John watched him and said nothing. They were both mourning, in much different ways. And he figured Justin was mourning for his uncle not that asshole Novotny. Didn¡¦t seem to him as if there was much love lost between them.

BABYLON„m

Brian walked in to Babylon, the rhythmic pulsating music washing over him. He gave the coat check guy his jacket and keys. The crowd parted for him as it always did when Brian Kinney walked in. He made his way to the bar, finding Emmett and Ted. Great, he thought, not really wanting to give a recap to Abbott and Costello.

¡§Hi, honey,¡¨ Emmett chirped, and then saw the expression on Brian¡¦s face. He smelled trouble, like those old bloodhounds his grandma used to raise.

 

Ted wisely said nothing, knowing his mere presence was occasionally enough to set his moody boss off. He took a slug from his bottle of Samuel Adams and with a glance at Emmett slipped away. Emmett always had better luck with Brian for some reason. Emmett noted that Teddy had left him and the big bad Kinney alone and wished for a brief moment that he hadn¡¦t. ¡§Buy you a drink?¡¨ he asked, as Brian leaned his elbows on the bar.

¡§Double Chivas,¡¨ Brian said, voice barely audible even considering the loud music. The bartender, recognizing Brian and wondering why his boyfriend wasn¡¦t with him, slid Brian the drink. He acknowledged it with a slight incline of his head and turned around, so that his back was to the bar.

¡§Want to tell me what¡¦s wrong?¡¨ Emmett asked, dropping the queenly affectation he often adopted. He could sense that something was very wrong with the King of Babylon. ¡§Where¡¦s your consort, honey?¡¨

¡§At home,¡¨ Brian muttered. He finally made eye contact with Emmett and Emmett could see the pain writ in the beautiful hazel eyes. ¡§Want to get out of here?¡¨

Emmett scanned the crowd, knowing that he would never find Ted. And he also knew that Brian needed someone with him or he¡¦d make a desperate and foolish mistake. The man had a self-destructive streak as wide as the Mississippi and as deep. ¡§Yeah,¡¨ he said. They made their way through the crowd and Brian stopped only to pick up his jacket and keys. Once in the fresh air, Brian glanced at him.

Cracking a slight smile that was as far from his usual smirk as it could get, Brian said, ¡§I need to talk.¡¨

Emmett could count the times Brian Kinney had said that on one hand, and he didn¡¦t even need to use his whole hand. ¡§Okay,¡¨ he said. He followed Brian to the car, matching Brian¡¦s stride. Brian slid into the driver¡¦s seat and unlocked the door. Turning on the car, the heavy bass line of early Metallica assaulted Emmett¡¦s senses but he knew better than to suggest Barbra or the Divine Miss M. He didn¡¦t intend to be tossed out of the car on his pretty little ass. He was silent as Brian drove north, heading towards the river. Brian finally parked and Emmett followed him to the bench he preferred.

Brian sank down on the bench, wishing he had a bottle of Beam with him, but he hadn¡¦t wanted to stop at a liquor store. He¡¦d just needed to get the fuck out of the loft. It wasn¡¦t so much that he wanted to get away from Justin because none of this was his lover¡¦s fault, it was just that memories of him and Michael hung like stale cigarette smoke in the air.

¡§Brian,¡¨ Emmett¡¦s voice brought him back to himself and he glanced at the man sitting next to him.

Brian could never talk to Theodore but he could talk to Emmett. ¡§I ended my friendship with Michael tonight, Emmett.¡¨

¡§I figured as much. I¡¦m sorry, Brian.¡¨

¡§I thought when he got hitched to the hunky professor he¡¦d let me be happy and live my own life.¡¨

Emmett heard the sadness in Brian¡¦s voice and hurt for the other man. God knew Brian Kinney had pissed him off on occasion but even he didn¡¦t like to see him hurt. ¡§He showed up at the loft tonight after I told him I didn¡¦t want any contact with him.¡¨

 

Emmett could imagine how well that¡¦d gone. Brian did not suffer fools gladly and when he wanted to be left alone, he wanted to be left alone. Michael lived under the delusion that applied to everyone but him. ¡§What happened?¡¨ Emmett asked.

Brian dug in his jacket pocket for a pack of cigarettes and sighed. ¡§You mind?¡¨

¡§Who me, honey? No, you go right ahead and light up. Who am I to tell you no?¡¨

Brian lighted a cigarette and inhaled, drawing the smoke deep into his lungs. He¡¦d smoked more in the past couple of days than he had in the past few months. Strange what stress drove him to do and it wasn¡¦t lost on him that he¡¦d opted to talk rather than trick and talking wasn¡¦t what had driven him to Babylon in the first place. ¡§He told me that Justin was just a little twink to me and that he¡¦d hurt me again. That I needed him. And that we didn¡¦t have what he has with Ben.¡¨ Brian paused, taking another drag, and gazed out over the water. ¡§Of course, we don¡¦t have what he has with Ben. The professor is a fucking saint for taking on Michael, knowing full well that he has unresolved feelings for me. And I know I¡¦m not easy but somehow Justin loves me in spite of that.¡¨

Emmett didn¡¦t know what to say. Sometimes the sheer stupidity of Michael boggled the mind. ¡§Have things changed with Sunshine?¡¨

Brian smiled slightly. ¡§I consider his mom my mother-in-law. And I guess you could say that he¡¦s the closest thing to a husband as I¡¦ll ever have. So yeah, things have changed.¡¨

¡§Honey, I¡¦m happy for you and Sunshine. It would never have worked with you and Michael. Frankly, I¡¦m surprised you haven¡¦t chosen before now.¡¨

¡§I didn¡¦t want to choose between Michael and Justin. I didn¡¦t want to lose my best friend over the man I happened to fall in love with. I loved Michael for a lot of years but it would never have reached the level of intensity that I have with Justin. And fuck Michael for being so desperate to hang on to me that he tried to sabotage things with us.¡¨

¡§You¡¦re pissed at him.¡¨

¡§Well, duh,¡¨ Brian shot back. ¡§Yeah, I¡¦m pissed at him. It¡¦s like he¡¦s only happy when I¡¦m miserable and miserable when I¡¦m happy. And he¡¦s been jealous of Justin since day fucking one. He¡¦s had a long time to grow accustomed to the fact that he¡¦s not going anywhere. I shouldn¡¦t have had to choose between them. Why do I have to lose one to have the other? Justin would never have forced this choice.¡¨

¡§I don¡¦t know, baby. It isn¡¦t fair but most of what¡¦s happened in your life hasn¡¦t been fair. Realizing you loved him in the same night that you almost lost him was hell. Having him leave you for someone else was hell. Finding out that you had cancer almost cost you him. You, more than anyone, deserve happiness, Brian. You¡¦ve had far too little of it in your life and the fates just keep throwing more in your way. But you¡¦re not navigating the waters alone, sweetie. You¡¦ve got Justin and that kid loves you more than is rational.¡¨

Brian finally looked at him, tossing the cigarette away. ¡§I haven¡¦t always been kind to you.¡¨

¡§Well no, you haven¡¦t. But you shoot straight from the hip, honey, and I have to admire you for that. You use your sense of humor as a weapon and you have such contempt for happy couples like Teddy and I used to be. You¡¦re unapologetically honest and I have to respect you for that.¡¨

¡§I called you Mrs. Schmidt, didn¡¦t I?¡¨ Brian asked, remembering Emmett¡¦s visit when Ted¡¦s porn site had been dismantled, begging him for help which he¡¦d denied in a manner true to form. He also remembered stepping in to make sure that Stockwell didn¡¦t press the issue and try Theodore in the court of public opinion.

Emmett nodded and Brian smiled ruefully. ¡§And now I kind of have a Mrs. Kinney. Shit, how fucked up is that?¡¨

¡§Pretty fucked up. But that blond will do just about anything for you, Brian. Beg, steal, or borrow because you¡¦re all that matters to him. He¡¦s willing to let you have a friendship with Michael because he knows how important it is to you.¡¨

¡§Michael tried to hit me tonight,¡¨ he said, needing to stop Emmett from continuing down that path. He needed space away from Michael, space to decide whether it was a permanent step he needed to take.

Emmett¡¦s eyes went wide and his mouth gaped open. ¡§He what?!¡¨

¡§He tried to hit me.¡¨

¡§Well, fuck him,¡¨ Emmett said, remembering how unsympathetic Michael had been regarding his feelings after Teddy had gotten out of rehab and was hanging around with Blake. ¡§Good riddance.¡¨ He couldn¡¦t believe that MICHAEL had tried to hit Brian.

¡§I guess I need to go home, don¡¦t I?¡¨ Brian asked. He was feeling more grounded now, more normal, less like he was about to fly apart.

¡§He¡¦ll face the dawn with you, honey. And I think that¡¦s what we all want: someone to sit there with us in the darkness and wait for the light. Even you.¡¨

Brian sighed and stood, looking at Emmett. ¡§You want me to drop you off at Babylon or at Deb¡¦s?¡¨

¡§Oh, I think my night of dancing is over, sweetheart. You can drop me off around the corner from Deb¡¦s.¡¨

¡§I can drop you off at the front door,¡¨ Brian said, feeling a bit like an illicit date.

They began to walk back to the ¡¥vette and Emmett said, ¡§You want to face Deb tonight? Are you up for that?¡¨

Brian realized with a shudder that he¡¦d forgotten about that. ¡§You don¡¦t mind me dropping you off around the corner? I can¡¦t deal with another encounter with a Novotny tonight, Emmett. I have had my quota.¡¨

¡§New York will be good for you and Sunshine. You¡¦ll return refreshed and nobody deserves this more, baby.¡¨

Brian handed Emmett the CD changer once they¡¦d gotten in the car and said, ¡§Anything but People.¡¨

 

Emmett smiled and said, ¡§I remember.¡¨

He gave a curt nod and twenty minutes later he was dropping Emmett off at the curb, dismissing the slight pang of guilt he felt as irrational. He reached for his cell and dialed the number for the loft. He heard Justin¡¦s sleepy voice and said, ¡§Hey, baby. I¡¦m on my way home.¡¨

Justin sat up in bed and glanced at the time. It was much earlier than he¡¦d anticipated. ¡§You¡¦re sober,¡¨ he said.

¡§As a judge,¡¨ Brian said, stopping at a stoplight. ¡§No tweaking either.¡¨

¡§Where¡¦d you end up?¡¨ Justin asked, figuring the baths or Babylon.

¡§Babylon, but I didn¡¦t stay. I ended up cutting out of there and going to the river.¡¨

¡§Alone?¡¨

¡§With our favorite queen.¡¨

It took Justin a minute to realize who Brian meant and then he gaped at the phone. ¡§Emmett? You went to the river with Emmett?¡¨ he squeaked.

¡§I didn¡¦t fuck Emmett, Sonny Boy. Christ, I wouldn¡¦t do that. No, we talked. That¡¦s all. We talked and now I¡¦m coming home to you.¡¨

¡§I guess I owe him.¡¨ Justin said.

¡§Oh, the queen wants a pretty little bauble from Tiffany & Co or something along those lines. He¡¦s actually a really good friend.¡¨

Justin had learned that years before but he wasn¡¦t surprised that it took Brian more time to realize these things. The man had a strange learning curve. ¡§Yeah, he is. Hurry home.¡¨

¡§Yeah,¡¨ Brian said, navigating through what appeared to be a late night traffic snarl. He circumvented it and hit the main feeder road that intersected Fuller. He pulled up to the curb, forgoing the garage for the night, when he saw the figure sitting huddled up on the stairs. Recognizing the brown hair and the woebegone expression even from the street, he bit back a curse. He reached for his cell phone and dialed Carl¡¦s office number.

When the aging detective picked up, Brian said, ¡§Horvath, its Kinney. Your stepson is sitting outside my loft. We had a fight. Can you get a radio car to drive by and roust his sorry ass?¡¨

¡§Why don¡¦t you handle it?¡¨ Carl said, scowling at the stack of paperwork on his desk.

¡§Because you¡¦ll be booking me for assault & battery,¡¨ Brian snapped. ¡§If I have to handle it, he¡¦ll probably end up in Allegheny General and I¡¦ll be spending the night in a holding cell. I don¡¦t want to call my partner to bail me out.¡¨

 

¡§Okay, okay. You want to tell me what happened?¡¨

¡§He insulted my partner¡¦s honor,¡¨ Brian snarled, ending the conversation before Carl could ask any questions. He pulled out into traffic again, knowing that he¡¦d been seen by Michael, and went to the parking garage.

A few minutes later, he opened the loft door. He noticed that the kid was curled up sleeping and his lover was sitting up in bed, in his robe. He locked the door behind him and armed the alarm system. He quietly crossed the loft to the bedroom, meeting Justin¡¦s questioning gaze. ¡§You look comfortable,¡¨ he remarked, noticing how the darkness of the robe offset the paleness of the blond. He wanted to lose himself in Justin¡¦s arms, forget about everything and everyone that seemed determined to put nails in the road for them.

Justin started to slip out of the robe and Brian shook his head. ¡§It¡¦s fine.¡¨ He sat down on the edge of the bed to unzip his boots. He left them where they were rather than putting them back in the closet. Then he took off his shirt and his jeans. He crawled into bed, allowing Justin to tuck him in. 

¡§I¡¦m¡X¡¨ Justin began and Brian put a finger to his lips to quell his words.

¡§Don¡¦t you fucking dare apologize to me for defending me. Not ever.¡¨

¡§Am I your ¡¥wife¡¦?¡¨ Justin asked quietly, knowing that he¡¦d slipped into the role of taking care of Brian as easily as he¡¦d slid into the role of submissive.

¡§I prefer life partner but I guess you fit in that niche. Does that bother you?¡¨ It should bother me more, dammit, Brian thought.

Justin shook his head, and then rested it on Brian¡¦s shoulder. ¡§You ever think about cutting loose?¡¨

¡§What do you mean?¡¨ Brian asked, meeting his eyes.

¡§Leaving the Pitts?¡¨

Brian stared at him. ¡§Well, I always wanted to move to New York. But that was before I lost my job with Vance and thought Stockwell¡¦s backers were going to pave my way. But now I¡¦ve got Kinnetik and I¡¦ve put down roots. Why?¡¨

¡§I¡¦ve got a year and a half left of school, Brian. John hates it here in Pittsburgh. And New York has always been your dream.¡¨

¡§A pipe dream.¡¨ He narrowed his eyes at his lover and said quietly, ¡§What are you leading up to, Sunshine?¡¨

¡§I could finish up art school in New York. You could open a satellite office in New York. We could buy a loft that has three bedrooms in Soho or Midtown. Selling the loft would give us a sizeable nest egg.¡¨

Brian sat up in bed and flipped the switch to turn the blues back on. ¡§You went through our financials?¡¨

 

¡§Yeah,¡¨ Justin admitted. ¡§You pissed?¡¨

¡§No,¡¨ Brian said, ¡§just a little surprised. You¡¦ve never taken an interest before. Always wanted to keep your assets separate from mine. It¡¦s always been my contention that we shared the money but you always wanted that degree of separation, not wanting to depend on me. What¡¦s changed?¡¨

¡§Other than Gus and Kinnetik, what are the reasons to stay in Pittsburgh?¡¨ Justin asked, watching Brian¡¦s face closely.

Brian thought for a moment and then said, ¡§I can¡¦t think of any. I¡¦ve fucked my way through most of the gay population and some of the straight. My business is going good and I¡¦ve established a business reputation. But I still can¡¦t swing opening a satellite office unless I land a few more clients on the scale of Brown.¡¨

¡§What about Telson?¡¨

Brian tensed and glanced at him. ¡§Telson¡¦s big but not that big.¡¨

¡§Hundreds of thousands?¡¨

¡§Closer to $10 million with a $1 million dollar advertising budget. The only problem I have with Telson is he wants to fuck me. I wouldn¡¦t put out when I was working for Ryder and I¡¦m not putting out now to land the account.¡¨

¡§Okay, say you land Telson,¡¨ Justin said, thinking a moment and carefully not thinking about the possibility of Brian fucking the old breeder. ¡§How many other clients would you need?¡¨

¡§Two or three who are multimillion dollar conglomerates.¡¨ He stared at him and said, ¡§You¡¦re serious.¡¨

¡§Dead fucking serious, Brian.¡¨

¡§What about your mom and Daphne?¡¨

¡§I can fly home.¡¨

¡§And Gus?¡¨

¡§I haven¡¦t forgotten about Gus, Brian. He could split time with us and Lindsay.¡¨

¡§You have a time frame for this?¡¨ Brian couldn¡¦t believe he was actually considering this but the idea of getting out of Pittsburgh might be the healthiest thing for everyone. And it was an endgame Michael would never expect.

¡§A year?¡¨

¡§Jesus,¡¨ he sighed. ¡§We put an offer in on the downstairs loft. It¡¦s in escrow. We¡¦d lose our deposit if we pull out now.¡¨ He winced thinking at the potential loss of a considerable amount of money.

¡§We keep it as an investment and lease it out. Regardless, we need space for the kids.¡¨

¡§You really want this, don¡¦t you?¡¨

Justin pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. ¡§Yeah, I do. But if you¡¦re not a 100% behind this then I won¡¦t push it. Finding out what¡¦s going to happen with Gus and with my dad is more important than moving to New York.¡¨

¡§We can draw up a business plan, Justin. Have you on board as the art director. Draw up a two-year prospectus. We¡¦d need to talk to Theodore. It¡¦s actually not a bad idea. I don¡¦t know how I¡¦ll talk Claire into it. And if his dad comes back into the picture, having taken John out of state may cause all sorts of problems.¡¨

¡§Not if you get appointed his guardian ad litem, and Claire signs off on it.¡¨

¡§Justin, how much research did you do?¡¨ he asked, surprised by the intensity and thought that Justin had put into this. He hadn¡¦t expected to come home to this proposition though he wasn¡¦t completely adverse to the idea.

¡§A lot. This isn¡¦t about what happened earlier, Brian. I just don¡¦t really see either one of us being truly happy when we have so few people on our side. And being around Debbie for prolonged periods of time if we aren¡¦t talking to Michael is going to be impossible. Can you imagine the family dinners?¡¨

¡§Yeah,¡¨ Brian nodded. ¡§I dropped Emmett off around the corner.¡¨

¡§Brian,¡¨ Justin said, not bothering to hide his shock.

¡§Hey, it was his idea. You think I liked feeling like a date some mother didn¡¦t approve of,¡¨ he said, then glanced at him. ¡§Okay, don¡¦t answer that.¡¨

To his credit, Justin only snickered, remembering mornings he¡¦d returned to Deb¡¦s at dawn after a night of nonstop fucking with Brian. ¡§So you¡¦ll think about it?¡¨

¡§Yeah, I¡¦ll consider it. It¡¦s actually not a bad idea. And if things hadn¡¦t gone down the way they did with Vance and Stockwell, we¡¦d already be in New York. You know that.¡¨

Justin smiled at him and slid the robe off, his alabaster body slowly revealed in the dappling moonlight let in through the windows. Brian met his gaze and drew him down to him. ¡§I love you,¡¨ Justin whispered.

¡§I know,¡¨ Brian whispered, not returning the words but knowing that it was how he felt, and comforted by the knowledge that now that Justin knew, it wasn¡¦t necessary for him to say it all the time.


End file.
